Tears for Christmas

The timing of the way the Lord sends His word is always perfect. I always hear what I need to hear at just the right time. This Christmas is shaping up to be a rather painful one. My sister and I arrived home to Missouri last evening. There was already a cloud hanging over us due to my dad’s cancer, but the Lord has been gracious to keep our heart and hope in Him. My personal hope was that this Christmas would be more pleasant than the last. So far this is not the case. I knew my mom had not been doing very well. My dad took her to the ER last week and they said she had something viral and refused to admit her into the hospital (they made this diagnosis without running any tests). The extent of her condition was not communicated to me, so I was not prepared for what I came home to. When I walked in the door, she was sitting in her rocking chair – pale and rigid with wide eyes full of fear. She can barely move and barely speak. She has suffered more than anyone I know and sometimes it’s hard to see God’s good purposes in that. Even now she is writhing in agony as she tries to sleep, and my heart is breaking…

There have been a few other things that have happened– disappointments and hard conversations – that have added to the sorrow. As I was journaling last night, I told the Lord how much I needed Him to meet me in the pain. I have not the strength for these things, but He says that His grace is sufficient. I needed a fresh wave of His mercy and grace. God heard my prayer. In my inbox this morning were two emails that met me where I was. One was a blog post from Dr. Mohler about those who mourn during Christmas time. He says:

Christmas is especially for those who mourn and suffer grief, for the message of Christmas is nothing less than the death of death in the death and resurrection of Christ.

Yes. Christmas gives us hope for the Man of Sorrows entered our suffering and sorrow to secure for our everlasting joy and healing. The other was a blog post from my pastor about believing in Jesus’ ability and willingness to heal.

Do you go through your day as if the miracle you need is just too much to hope for let alone ask for?  Do you find yourself continuing to ask for the supernatural, but not believing in your heart that God can actually do it? 

I can all too well relate to this. The circumstances have been bitter as of late and under of the weight of them I am struggling to cling to the truth that God is working in these things for good (Romans 8:28), that He intends to answer and heal and restore. But this is what Scripture teaches us about His character. He longs to show grace and mercy (Isaiah 30:18) and He is good and does good (Psalm 119:68). Christmas is the ultimate expression of God’s disposition toward us to do us good. In the birth, life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ, God meets our deepest need and gives us our greatest hope. So even though circumstances may be hard and painful, I can still have joy because it was secured forever by Jesus Christ when He chose to take on flesh forever in order to save us in every possible way. The night may be dark, but morning is coming and there is joy in the dawn.

So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you. John 16:22

Pondering Christmas

I can’t believe Christmas is upon us and this year is almost over. This year, and these past few months in particular, have flown by. December is passing just as quickly, but not without some reflections on the reason for Christmas. Each year the Lord teaches me something new or takes me deeper into the depths of the incarnation of Christ (for that is what this time of year is supposed to be celebrating).

For the past several years, Christmas has been different in my family. In actuality, it’s not as pleasant and fun as it used to be and many of our traditions (what little we had) have slowly died away. My sister and I, however, have started our own traditions. We try to be intentional each year about fixing our minds and hearts on Jesus Christ, and the Lord, in His wisdom and abundant grace, is more than willing to give us resources and creative ideas in pondering the birth of the Son of God. This year my sister and I have been going through John Piper’s free advent book called Good News of Great Joy. It contains 25 short little devotionals meant to prepare your heart to purposely (it doesn’t happen by accident) see Christ during the Christmas season, and I believe it is helping us just do that.

Besides that, the Lord has gripped me this year with the purpose of His coming. He came to die. It is no secret that we are all going to die some time (Hebrews 9:27), but His purpose for being born was to die (Matthew 20:28; Hebrews 2:14). And that’s why there is Christmas.

And Jesus answered them, “The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified. Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life...Now is my soul troubled. And what shall I say? ‘Father, save me from this hour’? But for this purpose I have come to this hour...Now is the judgment of this world; now will the ruler of this world be cast out. And I, when I am lifted up from the earth, will draw all people to myself.” He said this to show by what kind of death he was going to die. John 12:23-25, 27-28a, 31-33

At Rolling Fields, our pastors are preaching on the necessity of Christmas. This past Sunday, Pastor Aaron preached from the familiar passage of Philippians chapter two, but in doing so he focused not only on verses 5-11, but he included verses 1-16 in order for us to grasp and feel the weight of Paul’s main point. While verses 5-11 teach us much about the humility and reason for the coming of Christ, the Apostle Paul did not write them in isolation. It’s easy (for me anyway) to break up the paragraphs and forget they are one continuous thought. In the original Greek, there were no paragraph breaks and no paragraph headings. The text was meant to be read as a whole. Pastor Aaron was talking about church unity and how we are commanded to consider others as more important than ourselves (which is counter-intuitive). This is the point Paul is driving towards; it is the reason he includes the example of Christ’s humility. Christ, being in the very nature God and in the very presence of God (John 1:1), did not consider His own rights, but humbled Himself by taking on human flesh, by becoming one of us, by becoming like us so that He could identify with us in every way (Hebrews 4:15-16) and thus save us. Jesus Christ considered our needs (He considered us!) as more important that Himself so that He might save each of us. He emptied Himself of the glory His deserved in order to enter our mess of a world and save us wandering and hostile/indifferent sinners.

"There is nothing about us that makes us deserve to be in the presence of God, and if the One who did deserve to be in the presence of God would empty Himself, be found in the form of a man, come as a servant - why did Christ do it? For our greatest need! Life. We are dead in our sin and our trespasses apart form Christ's work." Pastor Aaron

Another thing that I have been pondering is this: we all too often question the goodness of God, but never think twice of questioning the goodness of humanity. I know a friend that is having trouble getting a job in the healthcare profession because when asked on a psychiatric test required for employment if she believes that human beings are innately good and she responds no, she is rejected for employment and told “her values don’t line up with theirs.” When you look at society, the assumption seems to be that humans are innately good and that God’s goodness is questionable. But that is not what Scripture or experience teaches. Scripture says that our hearts are deceitfully wicked (Jeremiah 17:6), that we are tempted by our own evil desires (James 1:13-15), and that there is no one that is good (Psalm 14:1-3; Romans 3:10-18). The truth is that we are all innately evil, but because of God’s grace the expression of that evil is restrained. The same sin that is so readily apparent in heinous crimes (like that of last Friday), is in each of us. It is only by God’s grace that we aren’t as bad as we could be. But that’s why there is Christmas. We need new hearts. We need new desires. We need a remedy. And the bad news is that that remedy is not something we can conjure up. As Pastor Andy says, “God is not concerned with making bad people good, but with making dead people alive.” So we are dead and cannot help ourselves.

This is where Christmas comes in. Christmas is the remedy. God the Father saw our helpless state and decided to send His Son. Jesus Christ left His rightful place in heaven where He was worshiped by countless angels. He left the place He deserved and belonged in order to come to us – to enter a womb, to take on human flesh, to be born in human likeness, to obey God’s law perfectly, to fulfill all that God requires of us, to be perfect for us, so that He could die for us and take our punishment, so that we would be united with Him and God the Father forever. This is the message and hope of Christmas. Jesus Christ was born for the purpose of dying so that you and I could become the righteousness, the children, the inheritance of God. He came to make us, who were dead, alive to God. And this is very good news. This is the hope of Christmas. Oh, taste and see that He is good!

Hard Things

Frodo: “I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.
Gandalf: “So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”

The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

Tomorrow marks two years since I graduated from seminary. That’s crazy to think about. A lot has happened since that time, and it doesn’t seem like I am that much closer to going overseas. There have been a lot of delays, and disappointments, and bad news. In short, there have been a lot of hard things. And while this year has been better than the last, this continues to be the general theme. But even the hard things are from God.

“Shall we receive good from God, and shall we not receive evil [or disaster]?” In all this Job did not sin with his lips. Job 2:10

This truth is very comforting and gives me hope because no matter what happens in my life, I know that it has first passed through the sovereign and always loving hands of my Savior. It means that there is a purpose for the hard things. Namely, a deeper and more intimate knowledge of Jesus Christ, and conformity to His likeness – things that I desire and things that God is more than pleased to give me.

It’s sometimes very easy, though, to lose sight of this hope; to get stuck in the muck and the mire of present circumstances. Honestly, these past few weeks have been rather rough. My dad and my uncle were both diagnosed with cancer in the same week. One of my very best friends and one of the leading families in my church (with whom I’m close) are both moving away in less than a month. Then there are the daily burdens of ministry, the delays to getting overseas, and fighting sin that add to the weight. It has been in the midst of these things that the Lord has been pleased to expose the rebellion and pride and selfishness in my own heart. I am daily reminded of how limited I am in strength and wisdom, and how much I need God’s sustaining grace.

When the cares of my heart are many,
        your consolations cheer my soul. Psalm 94:19

And His grace is more than sufficient for these things. He has not left me alone in these struggles. Instead, He is persistently pursuing me and beckoning me to fight for joy. Of the latter, I admit, I have not been doing a very good job. I have found it quite easy to overlook the many evidences of God’s grace as I focus on the painful circumstances that have been flooding my way. But Christ never lets me stray to far before he resets my focus and attention back to Him. He did so this week through a number of friends and teachers in the faith. The Lord showed me during a Bible study that I have not been taking thoughts captive. And when I say this, I mean thoughts toward myself (what some people like to call “self-talk”). I have been listening to myself a lot more than I should be. And when I was confronted with this through a book our group is studying, I could clearly see the lies for what they were and how they were further adding to these burdens. In this book, the author talked about how we need to remember that even though things may not be going well with us, things are well with our souls. In fact, things will always be well with the soul of a believer because he/she is forever right with God and can now choose to say “no” to sin and do what’s right. There are many times when my soul doesn’t “feel” well, so I have to believe it is well by faith. So, basically, I need to be preaching the gospel to myself instead of listening to myself…which is a full-time job.

The Lord graciously reminded me of His glorious gospel through the preaching of His word this morning at Rolling Fields. Because of the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ, my victory and deliverance is secured. There will be a Day when there will be no more tears or heartache or brokenness or disappointments or delays or bad news (Revelation 21:1-8). There will be no more hard things. But even now there is victory and deliverance. For those in Christ, we are secure and safe. We have a new song right now to sing. The hard things are still very much present and real, but Jesus Christ has secured for us indescribable joy in Him. He has freed us to be who He created us to be. He has destroyed the power of sin, so that we no longer carry the burden, guilt, and penalty for sin. Even when the odds are stacked against us, Christ is for us, so we ultimately win. So that we can say in faith and with confidence, "Even so, it is well with my soul."

Under-realized

The sky of my life has been gray these past few days. The storm clouds keep rolling in trying to block the light of the Son. There are many things on my heart and mind that I will not share in detail here, but they are heavy and painful and I would appreciate your prayers*.

Through these things the Lord has been showing me how much I underestimate Him and how much I overestimate myself. The Lord first grabbed my attention with this a while back when a speaker in chapel warned against having either an over-realized eschatology or an under-realized eschatology. I am definitely not the former. I am fully aware that God’s kingdom is not here. There is too much pain and heartache and suffering and things-gone-wrong, for the reign of Christ to be in full-force. But an under-realized eschatology? I had never thought of it that way before and, at the time I heard the message, I could definitely pinpoint specific areas of my life where my life and attitude wasn’t resting in the power of Christ to hear and answer and save and transform. Oh, I was praying. I was reading my Bible. I was interceding for others. I was serving in and outside of my church. But I was also not really expecting God to answer my prayers. I was looking at the darkness in one particular ministry situation and wondering if God would really change the people that seemed so comfortable in their life apart from Him. I was too focused on the hardness of life and the mire of sin to think that God could/would change it. That is under-realized eschatology. That is a lack of faith. And that is sin.

So what do you do when the Lord convicts you of such a sin? Repent and go back to the basics. Focus on the truth. The truth is that Christ has conquered sin and death and is ruling and reigning at the right hand of God. The truth is that God desires all people to be saved. The truth is that God’s ways are higher than mine and He is often working in ways I cannot perceive. The truth is that God delights in hearing and responding to my prayers. The truth is that the Holy Spirit is guiding my prayers. The truth is that God is sovereign and good and has all-power and all-authority and He does all that He pleases and all that He pleases is good.

Another basic is that my eyes need to be fixed on the eternal, on Christ. While the things that I see and experience are real, Christ is more real. He is over those things. He allows those things. He is working in and through those things for His own glory and my good. Jesus is the constant in any given situation. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever, and His promises never fail. My health may fail. My job may end. My circumstances may worsen. My relationships may change or end. But Jesus is the same through it all. The Bible tells me to consider Him; to fix my eyes on Him; to focus on Him; to place my hope in Him; and to cast my cares on Him because He will sustain me and because He desires my good.

It is exactly in Jesus’ powerful working in response to my prayers that reveals my lack of faith that He will answer, because I am almost caught of guard when He does respond. For instance, I have been praying several specific things regarding two of my cousins and my dad, and one Sunday they all went to my home church together. That’s right: all at one time. And I couldn’t believe it. And the Lord was like, “Isn’t that what you’ve been requesting for each of them?” Well, yeah, but I still didn’t see that one coming. I mean, God answered three separate, specific prayers in one swoop. I’m still amazed.

Then, most recently, I prayed a rather dangerous and hard prayer last week. One that I am seeing answered this week in ways that I never would have imagined (or prayed for actually), and the Lord is beckoning me to trust His good intentions and plans in the midst of the current situation. My pastor’s blog post was very timely to strengthen my faith in light of this. In the pain and the struggling, I need not comfort myself with Christian platitudes or mask it with superficial pleasantries, but, instead, I should consider Christ. I should consider all the ways the Lord may be working to answer the cry of my heart last week, and how He may be working for His glory in my family, and how He may be working to give me and my family more of Christ.

    But, as it is written,
    “What no eye has seen, nor ear heard,
        nor the heart of man imagined,
   what God has prepared for those who love him” 1 Corinthians 2:9

Finally, all of these things are helping me to see that I have an under-realized view of my own brokenness and frailty (basically, an over-realized view of myself). Here is the truth: I am broken. I would rarely ever tell you that, but it’s true. I am a broken and fragile human being that needs the grace of Jesus Christ every single day, and His grace is sufficient for all of these things. So often I think I have to be strong for so many people: my sister, my family, my church family, the people I minister to, but the truth is I cannot be and God doesn’t call me to be. He calls me to rest in His strength and then He will strengthen me to help others. And it’s very well true that He could use others to strengthen me (a.k.a. be strong for me). It’s a lot of responsibility (and it’s prideful) to think that I must be strong for others. And it points to me rather than pointing to my God. I am not sufficient for any of these things, but Christ is. May He show Himself to be through this broken and fragile human being.

But [Jesus] said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

*One of these things is that my dad was diagnosed today with a tumor. Please pray for his healing and for my family. Thank you.

Not Just for Me

Last weekend I went on a beautiful road trip down to Georgia. The drive was a visual delight as most of the trees had turned shades of yellow and orange and red. Autumn is such a lovely time of the year.
One of the things I like to do on long drives is listen to sermons. My sweet sister prepared a couple of CDs for me of John Piper’s preaching on Romans 8:28.

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28   

This verse has become very dear to me and continues to be so as I continue this journey with Jesus Christ. Sometimes this verse is what sustains me on painful days and dark nights. There was a point earlier this year when I began doubting this verse. In my limited wisdom and perspective, I could not see God working for my good in the midst of the situations and trials I found myself in. I couldn’t see Him at work and couldn’t imagine how He could bring beauty from the ashes that surrounded me. But God is gracious and faithful and patient even when His children waver in trusting in Him or His promises. He gently showed me that I had a choice: I could believe and claim this promise by faith or I could continue to doubt Him and forsake the only one in whom hope and life are found. Because God’s grace and mercy is limitless and because He sustains His children and nothing can separate us from Him, He gave me endurance and strength to believe this promise by faith, even if it was just a mustard seed of faith.

So I began believing this verse again and resting in the character of God through which the Lord grew my trust in His sovereignty and goodness and through which He comforted me through the sorrow and pain. But what Piper brought to my attention is that this verse gives not only comfort for the past, it is also provides hope for the future. Look at the context of this verse. The Apostle Paul is talking about persecution and suffering and sorrow and impending death, and, yet, he says that no one can be against us. How can this be? The truth is there are many things against us and there are many things that can harm us, but, ultimately, we are eternally united with Christ and our victory is secure. We can stand firm because He is our unshakable foundation. The worst thing that can happen to us is death, but even that ushers us into the presence of God where we will behold the face of Jesus Christ. So this verse gives hope for the future because we can confidently do what God calls us to do, no matter what the risk or danger may be, precisely because God is currently working in all things for our good and is working in whatever may happen for our good. And that’s a pretty awesome promise.

The Lord is also showing me, though, that the things in my life – whether struggles or joys – are not always for me. Now they will, of course, affect me because they are happening in my life, but sometimes God allows things into my life so that He can work in the lives of others. So even though He will still use the circumstance for my good, He may be working ultimately in and through the situation I am going through to ultimately affect someone else’s life for their good. My pastor stated this truth much better in this blog post, which I encourage you to read.

There are many examples of this in Scripture. I want to point out just a few of them. I will list them, not chronologically, but from the amount of the evidence of how these individuals could see God working through their circumstance. In other words, how clearly they saw that God was allowing hard things in their lives in order to save the lives of others.

First there is Joseph (Genesis 37-50). His is one of my all-time favorite stories in the Bible. I love the way that the Lord worked through His life and I love the way that Joseph never seemed to falter in his faith in God. Joseph was 17 and the favorite son of his father. He had 10 half-brothers who hated him for his favored status. They sinfully plotted to kill him, but wound up changing their minds and selling him into slavery instead. He became the servant to Pharaoh’s captain of the guard in Egypt. The Lord prospered him in his work and he found great favor with his master – that is, until his master’s wife falsely accused him of trying to rape her. This accusation sent him to prison. Again, the Lord prospered him in his work and he found great favor with the prison guard. He had a glimmer of hope of getting out when he correctly interpreted a dream one of the Pharaoh’s servants had, but he was soon forgotten. Finally, the Pharaoh himself had a dream and he was called upon to interpret it. When he did so, Pharaoh made him the number two ruler in the land. God had brought him from slavery to be the second most powerful man in Egypt. When his was reunited with his father and brothers, he did not use his power to enact vengeance. He did not hold what they did to him against them. Instead, he recognized that God had worked through those tragic circumstances to save others. Here is what Joseph said to his brothers:

And now do not be distressed or angry with yourselves because you sold me here, for God sent me before you to preserve life. For the famine has been in the land these two years, and there are yet five years in which there will be neither plowing nor harvest. And God sent me before you to preserve for you a remnant on earth, and to keep alive for you many survivors. So it was not you who sent me here, but God. He has made me a father to Pharaoh, and lord of all his house and ruler over all the land of Egypt. Genesis 45:5-8

Another example is Esther (the Book of Esther). She was a young, beautiful Jewish girl. In fact, she was the most beautiful woman in the Persian Empire. The king had just got rid of his wife for disobeying him and was looking to replace her, so he held a sort-of beauty contest and chose Esther to be his new queen. As Piper points out, this isn’t a good thing. She was a Jewish woman who loved God and had a promising future, but now she has just become part of a pagan king’s harem. It is not like she was at home daydreaming about marrying the king. He was no prince charming. But the Lord was working through her situation to save many lives. She had been brought to the palace, to this point in history for “such a time as this” (Esther 4:14) and God used her to intercede for the Jewish people when one of the king’s men wanted to annihilate them.

Finally, there is Leah (Genesis 29-30 - Thank you, Melissa, for drawing her story to my attention!). Her story is harder because it is much more bleak and she never really sees the good that comes from her life, but God does use her. She was one of the wives of Jacob and desperately wanted his love, except he loved his other wife (her sister) Rachel more. When God blessed her with conceiving several sons, almost every time she would say, “Now my husband will love me,” but he didn’t. Even though she bore Jacob six sons, she did not draw his affection away from Rachel. And so was the story of her life. She never lived to see the good that God was working from her situation. In fact, the good that came from her life wasn’t realized until thousands of years later. You see she was the mother of Judah and through his line came the promised Messiah, Jesus Christ, the Son of God. So although she did not receive the favor she longed for from her husband, she did find favor with God. He saw her affliction; He saw how she was overlooked by her husband; and He chose to use one of her sons as the family line for His Son. He did this so that many people would be save.

David Platt put it like this: “What if God ordained suffering and persecution in our lives for the salvation of others?” And that is what we see in these examples. Joseph experienced much hardship. He was separated from his family of origin, betrayed, enslaved, falsely accused, imprisoned, and forgotten, and God ordained and used all of these things to position him as the second most powerful man in Egypt in order that his family, the people of Israel, might be saved. Esther was made the wife of a pagan king who was not Kosher or God-fearing so that God would use her to save the people of Israel. And Leah was trapped in a loveless marriage, deceitfully arranged by her father, which was ordained and used by God to bring about the family line from the people of Israel through which He would send His Son and save the world. God’s purposes are so much bigger than us and He chooses to include us in His kingdom story of redeeming the nations. Joseph, Esther, Leah – all used to save a people…and save the world because from this people the Messiah would come.

And all of this points ultimately to Jesus Christ, God’s very own son. He is called the man of sorrows. He was misunderstood. He was rejected by many. He was called demon-possessed and a drunkard. He was falsely accused and arrested. He was beaten beyond recognition and nailed to a a cross. He was spit upon and mocked. He was slaughtered. And this was all ordained and used by God so that many people would be saved. Because He did not stay dead. He rose from the grave three days later in power and glory. God ordained suffering and persecution and death in the life of His Son for the salvation of sinful people like you and me. This is extremely good news for us. The suffering of Christ was not for Him, it was for us. And sometimes our suffering is not for us as well.

The S Word

The Lord has taught me a lot of lessons lately that have been hard and, um, well, unpleasant.

Patience, perseverance, suffering, silence, trust, my sinfulness, being vulnerable with others, waiting…

Add another one to that list: submission. Yes, I said it. It is a word that strikes fear into the hearts of most women – especially liberal women. Now I don’t consider myself liberal by any means and I didn’t think I had a problem with submission - that is, until Jesus showed me I did. He has used my job, my family and, most recently, the organization I am applying to work overseas with to reveal the rebellion in my heart. Yeah, I don’t have a problem with submission when it comes to people who I’m on the same page with (professors, pastors/elders and most people in authority over me) or when we disagree but it doesn't affect me directly. I submit to their authority with joy. But the Lord has placed some people in my life that I struggle submitting to joyfully. It’s a painful reality. And what’s worse is that I am ultimately balking against the authority of God because He, in His wisdom and grace, places people in authority over me (Romans 13:1). Sigh. I've been doing a lot of repenting lately.

So even though I may not agree with the methods or logic of some of the God-given authorities in my life, I am to submit to them. That is the example you see in Scripture and it is commanded in Scripture (Titus 3:1; 1 Peter 2:13). Now this isn’t to say you submit even when the person in charge tells you to do something that defies God’s Word – the Scripture is clear that we always obey God rather than man (Acts 5:29) – but it is to say that when it is not an issue of denying Christ or His Word, but rather a matter of preference or personality, then submission is the command from the Lord…even when the authority is wrong or mistreats you (1 Peter 2:18-25). Check out this example from Genesis 16. Sarai did not have children, even though God had promised her and her husband Abram that He would give them children. She waited and she waited, but still no children. So she took matters into her own hands. She had her servant girl, Hagar, sleep with Abram in order to have children by her. But when Hagar became pregnant, the two women despised each other, and Sarah began mistreating her. Eventually Hagar ran away. She could run from Sarai, but not from God.

The angel of the LORD found [Hagar] by a spring of water in the wilderness, the spring on the way to Shur. And he said, “Hagar, servant of Sarai, where have you come from and where are you going?” She said, “I am fleeing from my mistress Sarai.” The angel of the LORD said to her, “Return to your mistress and submit to her.” Genesis 16:7-9

This doesn’t mean that Sarai was justified in her actions, but it does mean that we are supposed to submit even when those over us misunderstand us or treat us harshly. Because God is sovereign, He can work through even the harshest authority. God promised to make Hagar’s son into a great nation and part of that plan included her living with Sarai and Abram for a time. The Lord is very purposeful in arranging every detail of our lives. Who can tell what plans the Lord might have for us and the authorities He has over us?

Now submission is a hard thing for us (and it’s not just women – submission is hard for all people). We like to be in control. We like to call the shots. And basically it comes down to the fact that we are – here are two more S-words – selfish sinners. We believe we have to right to be understood. We believe we have to right to be treated fairly. We believe we have the right to peace and happiness. We believe we have the right to do what we think is right. So anyone that infringes on that right is wrong and our natural response is to rebel (and this can be in actions, words, attitude and/or thoughts). We live in a culture that demands rights: abortion rights, women’s rights, gay-marriage rights, education rights, etc. That’s why these are such hot issues because when the government or an organization or a religious body tries to place parameters on these so-called rights, they are seen as imposing on peoples’ inherent “rights.”

What the Lord is showing me is that I have no rights. The only "right" I have, the only thing I deserve is to be separated from God and eternally punished, which is what we all deserve (Romans 3:23). When you look at it that way, we are all actually doing far better than we deserve. But God is a gracious and just and merciful God and instead of giving us what we deserve, He sent His perfect Son, Jesus Christ, to take our punishment and restore us to Him, so that those who believe in Jesus might be saved (Romans 5:8; Acts 16:31). In that great exchange, we believers still don't have any rights in the way we think of rights as Americans. We have been bought with the precious and priceless blood of Christ and we are His (1 Corinthians 6:20, 7:23; 1 Peter 1:18-21). We give up all our perceived "rights" when we come to Him. Our will is to do His. Plus, He rewards us with a set of different "rights" that are far better than we could have imagined (Rev. 22:14).

Another truth is that there is freedom in submission. When we honor the authorities God has placed over us (whether that be in government or in the work place or at church or in a family), there is actually peace and joy and stability. We, as people, are sheep that need guidance in every area of our lives. Jesus is our ultimate Shepherd, but He has placed people under Him to shepherd His people. This is because we are, in all reality, helpless and pitiful and are incapable of calling the shots for very long in our own lives. So, yeah, those over us may not be perfect, but neither are we. There may be some that may be hard to submit to, but we sometimes aren’t that easy to lead. The difficulties we face in submission are another reminder that we’re not Home yet. We’re still awaiting the perfect King, the perfect Husband, the perfect Teacher, the perfect Leader, Jesus Christ, who will lead us into everlasting peace and righteousness (Philippians 3:20; Revelation 7:17).

Great is Thy Faithfulness

    “For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven
        and do not return there but water the earth,
    making it bring forth and sprout,
        giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater,
    so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth;
        it shall not return to me empty,
    but it shall accomplish that which I purpose,
        and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it. Isaiah 55:10-11

The Lord has overwhelmed me this week with His grace and faithfulness in such a way that I’m not sure that I’ll recover from it…nor do I want to. He has reminded me that He has heard my every prayer even when heaven was silent and no answer seemed to be coming. But He was working in ways I could not see to bring about the answers in His own way and in His own timing.

First, there is my friend from India. I haven't seen her for about a year and a half, but I haven’t stopped praying for her salvation (though I have been tempted to stop). The Lord has saw fit to bring her back into my life. She “happened” to call my sister two weeks ago and, while they were talking, she got my number, which she apparently had lost. I then found out that she “happens” to live less than a mile from me (we have both moved since the last time we saw each other). We hung out this weekend over coffee, and the Lord graciously gave me the opportunity and the boldness to share the gospel of Jesus Christ with her. She told me that she didn’t know what god she was praying to, but knew that there was a higher power/energy directing her life. The Lord brought Acts 17 to my mind and He empowered me to share with her how God created her and brought her to where she is now in life so that she would seek Him and find her way to Him because He is not far from her (Acts 17:27).

Second, there is my cousin. I started praying for his salvation over 10 years ago. My home church of Meadow Heights challenged the congregation to pray for someone daily at a certain time each day for a certain length of time. The Lord laid him on my heart, and have been praying for him almost daily ever since. His picture is in my Bible as a constant reminder to ask God to save him. His name is written under the carpet of Meadow Heights in faith that God would save him and bring him to that church. The Lord has given me numerous opportunities to talk to him about Christ at family get-togethers, and when he stopped coming to those, the Lord gave me the idea to send him a birthday card every year in which the Lord will lead me to some word of Scripture to share with him. During this past year, I started praying that the Lord will bring someone into his life to share Christ with him more regularly. The Lord did just that. My dad's and cousin’s paths began crossing almost every week and my dad would talk about Christ with him. Then, last Sunday, my cousin surrendered his life to the Lord. I have been praying and hoping and longing for this for such a long time that I almost feel as if my life's work is complete. The Lord, indeed, is mighty to save (Isaiah 63:1).

Finally, there is a young woman I met on a short-term trip to Central Asia. My church, Rolling Fields, sends a team to Central Asia every October. My sister and I went last October. This year’s team just got back yesterday. They asked me if I remember meeting a certain young woman from last year. I told them I did, and they told me that she has placed her faith in Christ. The Lord is so faithful to hear and answer our every request. I have been praying for her since I met her and asking the Lord to bring her from the darkness of Islam into the light of Christ. Most of the time, you never see the fruit of short-term trips, but the Lord graciously allowed us to see a glimpse of His sovereign grace through the testimony of this young woman.

I am so encouraged by the Lord’s faithfulness to answer these prayers. It is tempting sometimes to stop praying for people or things when there is no perceived answer. And, quite honestly, praying can seem so insignificant compared to other methods of ministry. BUT it’s not. Prayer is God’s ordained means to spread the fragrance of Jesus Christ to a lost and dying world. We are to pray for laborers (Luke 10:2) and for wisdom (James 1:5) and for boldness (Ephesians 6:19) and for opportunities to share the gospel (Colossians 4:3) and for the salvation of those around us (Romans 10:1). Basically, we are to pray for God’s will to be done on earth (Matthew 6:10)! The Lord has used the above answers to prayer to increase my faith, to encourage me to come boldly before Him with my requests, and to persevere in prayer for the people and things I have been praying for for such a long time.

And [Jesus] told them a parable to the effect that they ought always to pray and not lose heart. Luke 18:1

These things are not to point to me at all. They are evidences of God's grace. I know I am/was not the only one investing or praying, but the Lord did allow me to be a small part of what He is/was doing in each of their lives (mainly through prayer). Plus, no matter what I do or say, I cannot save anyone. Only God can do that. “Not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit, says the Lord” (Zechariah 4:6; cf. John 3:3-8). This is all the Lord’s work. He ordains the times and places of where we dwell and He determines our steps to fulfill His purposes (Acts 17:26; Proverbs 16:9). Our job is obedience.

What then is Apollos? What is Paul? Servants through whom you believed, as the Lord assigned to each. I planted, Apollos watered, but God gave the growth. So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God who gives the growth. He who plants and he who waters are one, and each will receive his wages according to his labor. For we are God's fellow workers. You are God's field, God's building.1 Corinthians 3:5-9

The God Who Sees Me

So she called the name of the LORD who spoke to her, “You are a God of seeing [Hb. ’El Ro’i],” for she said, “Truly here I have seen Him who looks after me.” Genesis 16:13 I just got back from a woman’s conference. The Lord met me there in powerful ways and He gave me much to think about. One of the truths He reminded me of was the fact that He sees me. In my struggles, in my serving, in my strivings, in my circumstances, in my weakness, He sees. I am not lost to Him. He notices me and He chooses to come and meet me at the point of my need. This is how he did so last Friday.

I went to the True Woman conference with three ladies that are very dear to me. For the break-out sessions, we chose to go to different ones in order to learn different things and then share them with one another later. I went to Joni Eareckson Tada’s breakout session called “The God I Love: A Lifetime of Walking with Jesus.” I know she usually has much to saw about suffering and endurance and, since the Lord has been teaching me a lot about those subjects, I decided to see what she had to say.

The session started off with a give-a-away of a few of her books. Nancy Leigh DeMoss, who was interviewing her, would ask a question and then give a book to someone she saw who raised her hand. The second book she gave away was Joni’s book entitled A Place of Healing: Wrestling with the Mysteries of Suffering, Pain, and God’s Sovereignty. Nancy said something like, “Raise your hand if you have a loved one who is suffering. If so this book will be very helpful for you.” Immediately, tears started flowing down my face as I thought about my mom and my sister. And they continued to flow during the rest of the session. I raised my hand, but nobody saw me. In fact, the lights were turned down very low and I sat near the back. This made me feel free to cry because, I thought to myself, no one sees me…or at least nobody that knows me does.

One of the many things the Lord has done in my heart over these past two years is make me very tender towards people who are suffering and hurting. While I used to hardly ever cry, now I feel like I cry at everything (not really, but it feels that way sometimes): couples struggling with infertility; aborted babies and the women who abort them; men struggling with pornography; miscarriages; terminal illness. The world has definitely gone wrong and the Father is giving me a heart of compassion like He has so that I can and will weep with those who weep.

As the session came to a close, we began singing the old, but beautiful hymn, “Man of Sorrows.” Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a lady coming toward me. She sat next to me, gave me a hug, and said, “I saw you raise your hand earlier. Do you have a loved one who is suffering?” I told her yes and told her who. She asked for my name and the names of my mom and sister in order to pray for us. Then she reached into her pocket, pulled out a $20 bill, handed it to me, and said, “Get whatever book you need.” When she left me, another lady came up to me and did the same thing. Then the Lord said to me, “I see you. It may be dark in here and you may not know anyone, but I see your tears. You are not lost to me.”

The Lord is merciful and gracious,slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. Psalm 103:8

Journey Through Revelation

I have been deeply studying the Book of Revelation these past couple of months, which is perfect because that “happens” to be the book my pastor is preaching through and my small group is studying. Most churches and Christians tend to shy away from this book because of its hard-to-decipher imagery and symbolism, which is a shame because the Book of Revelation is filled with so much hope and comfort for struggling and suffering Christians. It’s easy to get bogged down in the details: who/what is the beast? Who are the 144,000 sealed believers? Will there be a brand new heavens and earth or a renewed heavens and earth? Etc, etc. In the sanctuary of my church, as my pastor preaches through this book, are four big signs with one word each that say: Don’t Miss The Point. Decoding Revelation is not why God gave us this book. He gave us this book to encourage us to persevere in the faith, to reveal His sovereign purposes, and to show that our faith is secure and we will be victorious in the end. The point of this book is, as my pastor says, God’s pursuit of presence with His people. From Genesis to Revelation, you see God gloriously and sovereignly working out this purpose. He desires to be among His chosen people and nothing will thwart that purpose. It will happen. Christ will receive the reward for which He was slain (21:1-4, 9-14)!

My personal study through this book has been very enlightening. I have seen several overarching truths that are repeated throughout the book.

1. Jesus Christ is supreme. He is God. He calls Himself the “Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end” (2:8; 22:13), which are the same words that God the Father uses to identify Himself (1:8; 21:6). He receives worship from angels and believers and the four living creatures (5:9-13; 7:10). He has all knowledge (symbolized by His seven eyes in 5:6) by which He he accurately judges His churches in chapters 2 and 3. He has all power and authority by which He unleashes God’s wrath (5:7; 6:1) and executes final judgment on all of creation (19:11-21; 20:11-15). He alone can accomplish and secure the redemption of His people (chapter 5). In this there is hope.

2. God is completely sovereign over all hearts and events. Over and over again, when Revelation talks about the devil and his minions causing destruction, it says they were “allowed” (9:5; 13:5, 7, 14, 15; 16:8) or “given” (6:4, 8; 7:2; 9:1, 3). There is nothing outside of God's control. He is sovereign over both the good and the evil. While God is in no way the source of evil, He uses it to accomplish His always good purposes. As much as Satan tries whatever He can to destroy God’s people and thwart God’s plan, he actually winds up furthering God’s redemptive purposes as God uses it for the good of His people, the glory of His name, and the spread of His gospel (Romans 8:28). In this there is hope.

3. God is patience in slowly pouring out His wrath. The truth is that all human beings are separated from God and deserve immediate His punishment and wrath (Romans 3:23), and there is nothing we can do about it. This is the bad news, but the good news is that God does not delight in punishment, but in steadfast love and mercy, and He desires that all people be saved (Jeremiah 9:4; Ezekiel 18:32; 2 Peter 3:9) and He provided the way of salvation through the life, death and resurrection of His Son, Jesus Christ (John 14:6; Romans 5:8). Because of this He is very patient with us and does not immediately pour out His just wrath upon us. In the Book of Revelation, you see Him slowly pour out His wrath in the opening of the seven seals and then in the blowing of the seven trumpets and then in the pouring out of the seven bowls. He would be right and just to immediately judge us for our sins (Romans 1-3) and give us no time to repent. We do not deserve even one seal or trumpet or bowl, but God is infinitely patient and loving and He delays His just anger in order that many more people might be saved. In this there is hope.

4. Human beings are extremely wicked and sinful. Although God in His infinite patience gives people time to repent, they do not. They even recognize that He is the one bringing the plagues that are causing them torment, but they still refuse to repent and turn to Him (2:21; 16:9, 11, 21). They, instead, curse Him and continue to worship their own idols. We are born God-haters. There is no one that is innately good. We may be good compared to others, but even that is by God’s grace as He restrains evil. We are not as bad as we could be, but even more than that we are nothing in comparison to a perfectly holy and good God. We are rebellious and selfish and prideful and we reject God and make ourselves the god over our own lives. God would be right and just to have annihilated the whole human race after the fall in Genesis 3. But He didn’t. Do you see the grace in that? He chose to allow us to live so that He could save a people for Himself. He knew before creation that we would rebel against Him, but He chose to create us anyway, and He purposed in advance that He would save us by slaughtering His own Son, Jesus Christ (Ephesians 1:4; Revelation 13:8). In this there is hope.

5. God’s people are not exempt from suffering. The health and wealth gospel, which is really no gospel at all, is wrong. Joel Osteen is wrong. This is not our best life now and God does not will that His people live safe, comfortable, trouble-free lives. Just look at the examples throughout Scripture and throughout history. Joseph, Daniel, the Prophets, Jesus, Stephen, Paul, Jason Martyr, David Brainerd, Jim Elliot, and countless other unknown Christians have suffered, and even died, for their faith in Christ. God ordains that His people suffer (John 15:20; Acts 14:22; 1 Thess. 3:3; 2 Tim. 3:12). In His mysterious wisdom and plan, He uses the suffering of His people to spread the Gospel of Jesus Christ to the nations. In Revelation 6:11, we see that God has an appointed number of His people that will die for their faith. God does not save His people from suffering and persecution, but He sustains them through it. In this there is hope.

6. Our salvation is secure and we will see His face! This is my absolute favorite promise in Scripture. One day I will see my Savior, Jesus Christ, face-to-face (1 Corinthians 13:12; 1 John 3:2; Revelation 22:4)! There will be no more sin to blind my eyes or temptations to distract my gaze, but I will see Him as He is in all of His beauty and perfection and glory. And I will join in with the song of the redeemed. In this there is hope!

    “Worthy is the Lamb who was slain,
    to receive power and wealth and wisdom and might
    and honor and glory and blessing!” Revelation 5:12

Lessons Learned in the Light: Fellowship

The first half of the year, I did a blog series on the lessons I have learned in the dark. And while I do feel like I am still somewhat in the dark, the Lord has allowed a few beautiful rays of light to shine. The lessons I am learning are deep and hard, but immensely sweet (especially in hindsight :). For the remaining months of this year, I would like to focus on the lessons the Lord is teaching me in the light.

This lesson is about faithfulness. Not my faithfulness, because my faithfulness, I’m ashamed to say, is not always so steadfast, but the Lord’s faithfulness. He never fails nor does His Word. Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever (Hebrews 13:8). I discussed them some in one of my last posts, but I want to focus on in particular is God’s faithfulness to love and care for me through other people, namely the Body of Christ.

Over the past few weeks I have watched God love me through others in numerous ways. One of my closest friends and her husband took me on a hike to pray over me and encourage me through Scripture. My pastor’s wife and dear friend brought me lunch at work to talk with me about the things I had been struggling with. A prayer warrior from my church said she “felt” my burdens and has led others in my church to pray for me, even though I had not really expressed to her the turmoil I felt. And there have been others who has expressed concern for me and whom the Holy Spirit has led to pray for me.

This is the gift of being part of the body of Christ expressed through a local church. Since I don’t tend to stay in one place for long, I had the mindset of not going deeper with people, not setting down roots, but, oh, how I have missed out because of that! I heard one missionary say that he learned to go deep quickly with people because he knew his time with them was short, which is exactly the opposite of what I was doing. Yes, saying goodbye is hard, but the sweetness of deep, Christ-centered fellowship is worth it. The Lord has allowed me to be part of a small congregation in which I see the Book of Acts come to life. My church family really does care about each other and prays for each other and desires to be together. This is especially expressed through my small group where we gather every other week to study God’s Word, pray for one another, share a meal, and spend hours just hanging out. We confess our sins and share our struggles and testify to the work of God’s grace in our lives. This doesn't come naturally, but we have each been intentional and, through the grace of the Lord, we are going deeper with Christ and one another. It is a beautiful thing.

But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin. 1 John 1:7

Making Chinese dumplings with my small group

 And they devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and the prayers. Acts 2:42

Let Me be a Biblical Woman

My sister and I just registered for our first women’s conference, which is not something I ever thought I’d say. I used to avoid women’s conferences (and most other women ministry activities) like the plague, because I thought they equaled theological fluff and materialism and manicures and other things that turn my stomach. But the Lord has been teaching me (and my sister – for her story click here) what true women’s ministry is and revealing our erroneous and prideful prejudices. So this is the story of my journey so far.

First, let me say, that the majority of the influences in my life have been male (especially when it comes to spiritual influences) – my dad, pastors, professors, authors, etc. To me this was the norm, so this makes me predisposed, I guess, to preferring male leadership. I wasn’t really even aware of the idea of women’s ministry until I came to seminary (more on that in a moment). At my home church, we all learned together. There was neither male nor female, single nor married, poor nor rich, but all studied the Word together without distinction. ;)   

Furthermore, I grew up in a home where gender roles were only separated by home responsibilities. Men do the work outside (mow the lawn, fix the car) and women do the work inside the home (clean the house, cook dinner). So from home, my sister and I learned that we were supposed to try to look pretty, learn how to cook and keep house. My dad didn’t really like for those lines to be blurred, but he didn’t have any boys, so I helped him at times with construction and mechanical work. And so he passed his interests in cars and fixing things onto his daughters (although I don’t think he meant to).

So that’s some of my background…and then I came to seminary. I remember being struck by many of the ladies I saw on campus: perfect hair and make-up, dresses and skirts, and heels. I remember thinking, “I don’t fit in here” (though, ironically, because of my job, I am now one those girls – ha!). I started learning about women’s ministry and women’s programs and a whole host of other things that were foreign to me and, at that time, I didn't understand why they were necessary. And a lot of what I saw on the surface seemed just that – surface level. I went to a women’s event/meeting that helped solidify my presuppositions, so I decided to stay within my area of study and let those ladies have their fun.

But, while I was in South Asia, I met an amazing woman who became my mentor for the six months I was there. Now this is not to say I hadn’t met some great women beforehand (like at my church) because I had, but this was the first time I had actually been discipled by a strong, godly woman. Then I began to notice that there were many like-minded women who are passionate about the gospel and not about other…things.

When I returned to Louisville, my small group had split from co-ed to all men/all women and so I joined the ladies of my group to study David Platt’s Radical. And, once again, I was reminded that there are women who are hungry for the Word, who want to grow in their knowledge of Christ, and who want to live their lives for Him. So there seemed to be this dichotomy between some of the women I met at the seminary and the women I served and served with in ministry.

The dichotomy was heightened when I went to a seminary women’s get-together. It was one of my attempts to break out of the anti-social lull I had been in since I had returned from South Asia. Plus, free Starbucks was involved. :) There was probably about 20 women who showed up along with the host (female) professor. The professor was giving us some advice and this is what she said, “Ladies, when you go to class, don’t go in a hoodie, without makeup, etc. Get up and fix your hair and put on your make-up and dress nicely because these men in your class could one day be your future employers.” I was like, "Really?" I can think of a few Scriptures to counteract that, and it’s not like that is something women need to be told – we have a natural concern for our visible appearance.

Now some of my attitude towards women’s ministry, I realize, is pride, and some is misunderstanding, but the Lord has graciously shown me that real women’s ministry is not about the powder or the pearls, but about leading women to be who He created them to be. God did create mankind to be both male and female (Genesis 1:27), and each reflect His glory a little differently. Leading women means helping them to see and celebrate and magnify those differences so that Christ is magnified through our womanhood. That’s a pretty amazing thing. The Lord has given me some beautiful and rich and deep godly woman friends and prayer partners, and I am so thankful for them. He is allowing me to serve women through Scarlet Hope and through leading the women in my small group (which is again composed of both men and women). These women are hungry for the gospel and are striving to make much of Christ in every area of their lives. And, as for this conference, I am actually excited about it - I have so much to learn! :)

Regaining Perspective

The Lord has been ever so gracious to refresh, revive and renew my spirit these past few weeks. The enemy had done a very good job of completely sidelining me and I had lost my eternal perspective and focus (which the Lord graciously revealed to me).

It’s amazing what a few weeks of focused time with the Lord can do! My heart was wandering far from the Lord in the midst of my busy schedule and spiritual oppression and the heavy burdens of life. I felt like I was dying on the inside, slowing slipping away, but as I continued to call out to the Lord, He answered me in His own time and way.

The Lord led me to a Piper book called When the Darkness Does Not Lift, and through it revealed to me what was going on in and around me. Through the awareness of my sinfulness, and the suffering of my loved ones, and spiritual warfare, I had gotten lost in the dark. I could not see God; I was failing to trust Him; and I had forgotten what I had learned while in the light. I was focusing on the things that are seen instead of the things that are unseen (2 Cor. 4:16-18) and I had stopped fighting for joy. Instead of trusting and resting in the sovereignty of Christ, I was living in reaction mode. It wasn’t pretty and it wasn’t good and it most definitely wasn’t Christ-honoring. I had lost sight of my great Treasure, who is Jesus Christ.

As I read through the Psalms and identified with the words of David and the other psalmists who cry to God for help, I wondered why God wasn’t answering me. God says He saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18), but where was He? The Lord gently reminded me that David had to wait to be answered too, like in Psalm 40:

   I waited patiently for the LORD;        he inclined to me and heard my cry.
    He drew me up from the pit of destruction,
        out of the miry bog,
    and set my feet upon a rock,
        making my steps secure.
    He put a new song in my mouth,
        a song of praise to our God.
    Many will see and fear,
        and put their trust in the LORD. Psalm 40:1-3

I often read the Psalms and think that God responded immediately, but if I would compare them with the rest of Scripture, I would see that God usually waits to respond. He does this for our good and for His glory. He does this to grow our trust and faith in Him. He does this because His ways and timing are always perfect. He does this because He knows what’s best.

The Lord has been lovingly reminding me lately that He is working for my good and has good things in store for me (Romans 8:28), and that I need to believe that in faith, even when things don’t make sense and when circumstances would seem to prove otherwise. David Platt says, “What if in your suffering and in your sorrow, Christ is working for your satisfaction?” And, you know, what? Jesus is my satisfaction, and the Lord is working through everything that I am going through so that I will know Him more deeply and intimately. He is going to reveal Himself to me in ways I could never have imagined (Ephesians 3:20). The thought of this brings me incredible joy.

But, first, I must wait. The continual word from the Lord this past year and a half or so has been, “Wait.” He is preparing me for whatever is in store, but God is not just working in my life in a way that will effect me. God is working in and through my life to work in the lives of others as well. He holds every detain in the palm of His hand. Nothing is lost to Him. I find this incredibly encouraging and comforting. I am currently in another delay in the process to get overseas. I will be in the States for at least another year, but I know that ultimately this is God’s delay. He wants to keep me in Louisville for another year, and I have no doubt He will reveal that reason in due time. So, even though the waiting is frustrating, it is also exciting, because, for the first time in awhile, I believe that God has good things in store. :)

All of Grace

This evening I went to coffee with a friend. I ordered decaf, but my body is telling me it wasn’t decaf. So even though I should be asleep and want to be asleep, I’m not asleep. :(

My two weeks off from ministry to spend focused time with the Lord is coming to a close. It has been full of ups and downs, but the Lord is so gracious to reveal to me several things and to refocus my heart and attention on Him. For this I am very thankful. This refocusing is something I knew I desperately needed and knew that I wouldn’t be able to do on my own. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak (Matthew 26:41).

The questions from the Lord over these past few months have been sharp and pointed:

Where is your faith? (Luke 8:25) You were running well, who hindered you? (Galatians 5:7) Did I not tell you that if you believed you would see the glory of God?” (John 11:40)

The Lord has been exhorting me to stand firm and be steadfast in Him (1 Corinthians 15:58), and to not lose heart, but to look to the things that are unseen (2 Corinthians 4:16-18), which is what I have not been doing. I have been severely distracted by the situations and circumstances and sin that so pervade my life personally and so pervade this world in general. But the Lord is helping me to throw that all to the side (Hebrews 12:1-2) and to cast my burdens on Him (Psalm 55:22; Matthew 11:28-30). He is setting my heart free.

I will run in the way of your commandments when you enlarge my heart! Psalm 119:32

Jesus Christ is very kind and very patient. He has been showing me during these past two weeks how much I am not trusting Him. But through it all, He has been sustaining me by His grace. It is true that the whole of Christian life is all of grace. He chose me by His grace. He saved me by His grace. And He keeps me and will keep me to the end by His grace. This is very good news (and the gospel means good news) because I have seen in myself the inability to keep myself. I have seen the horror of my own unfaithfulness. BUT He is faithful even when I am not (2 Timothy 2:13) and He is more than able to keep me from falling and failing (Jude 24-25).

My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow Me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of My hand. John 10:27-28

Overspent

I must admit that I have experienced some dark days of the soul this past month or more. The Lord continues to reveal to me my sin and it is so vile that at times I feel physically sick. To top that off I have felt far from the Lord. Not that He has changed or distanced Himself, but I have. It hurts to even say that. Without even realizing it, I have taken continual steps away from the Lord and now I don’t know how to get back. But the Lord is ever-so gracious and, even though I have wandered, He has not let me out of His sight. He knows how to bring me back. He always seeks after His children (Matthew 8:12). He sought us out at first when we were living in rebellion against Him (Isaiah 53:6), and He continues to pursue our hearts as we wander away and get entangled with the cares of this life. I am so thankful that the Lord always completes the work He starts (Philippians 1:6).

While I was studying Matthew, one of the cross-references led me to this passage in Revelation:

“I know your works, your toil and your patient endurance, and how you cannot bear with those who are evil, but have tested those who call themselves apostles and are not, and found them to be false. I know you are enduring patiently and bearing up for my name's sake, and you have not grown weary. But I have this against you, that you have abandoned the love you had at first. Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent, and do the works you did at first. If not, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place, unless you repent.” Revelation 2:2-5

These words cut right to my heart (Hebrews 4:12). Even though Jesus said these words to the church in Ephesus two thousand years ago, He meant them for me at that moment. He was right: my love for Him had faded and I needed do the things that stirred my affections for Him. I needed to be in His Word. Now I have been keeping my daily quiet times, but they were more like snacks as compared to the feast that I so desperately needed. I was giving away way more in ministry and service than I was taking in through God's Word and I was burnt out. I needed to spend some extended amounts of time with Jesus.

But when? As I looked at my schedule, there was hardly a moment to spare. Many of the activities that had been waiting to be scheduled all seemed to fall in consecutive days over the past few weeks. All I wanted now was to spend hours alone with Christ, but I couldn’t. I was to busy. Through this the Lord help me realize that I had bought into a lie. I had convinced myself that since I was single, I needed to be spent for the gospel (which I’ve posted about before here and here). And while there is truth to that, I also need to be using this time to go deeper with Christ. There is such a thing as being overspent for the gospel. While the Lord does want me to serve Him and spread the message and hope of Christ, He is more interested in my heart. Once again, I’ve been a Martha and not a Mary.

Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet and listened to his teaching. But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me.” But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.” Luke 10:38-42

I cannot even tell you how many times the Lord has convicted me with this passage over the last ten years. My default is Martha, but I do long to be a Mary. The Lord knows I need help, though. :) He has been graciously showing me things that I can weed out of my schedule, so that I can spend more time with Him. I have taken the next two weeks off from ministry for this very purpose, and I am excited to see what the Lord does!

Therefore say to them, Thus declares the Lord of hosts: Return to me, says the Lord of hosts, and I will return to you, says the Lord of hosts. Zechariah 1:3

Guarded Heart

I have been a position several times lately to give dating advice, which I find rather ironic considering my limited experience in that regard. But the Lord’s Word is sufficient for all areas and circumstances of life and so, I guess, in some respects I am fully equipped to speak truth to my sisters in Christ regarding dating.

One of the benefits of being a single woman in my late twenties is that I know that dating and relationships and marriages aren’t just one big fairy tale. That bubble was burst long ago. The Lord has also shown me the culture’s influence in my ideas and standards of dating so that I have gotten rid of a lot of unessential expectations and qualifications that find no basis in God’s Word, so that when a friend does ask me my thoughts on her dating a Christian brother who’s asked her out, I have three questions I generally ask:

1. Are you interested? I mean, don’t just say yes because it feels good to be pursued. Don’t let him take you out if you already know you don’t want to go on a second date.
2. Do you respect him/do you think you could follow his leadership? I realize that this question requires some kind of previous interaction with the guy, so it may not be answerable at first, but it is a question to keep in mind.
3. Is God leading you to date this person? This is the question that trumps the other questions, regardless of how the first two are answered.

One little piece of advice I am more hesitant to give, however, is one that I cannot even tell you how many times I’ve had said to me (and, yes, I have said it numerous times to other ladies as well), and, that is, “Guard your heart.” This phrase derives from Proverbs 4:23 (NIV):

Above all else, guard your heart,
for everything you do flows from it.

Now this verse is actually not in the context of relationships at all. It is, instead, calling believers to protect what kind of influences we allow into our lives because what we allow to influence us will shape us. Proverbs is all about walking in wisdom and to do that we must know and fear and obey the Lord. Nonetheless, this phrase is a common one in the dating world (I am not sure if it is with guys, but it definitely is with women).

Now I think the general meaning behind this phrase when applied to dating is “be careful, don’t let your feelings run away with you, don’t read into things, etc.” But the phrase itself is not very practical or clear advice. My sinful heart hears those words and says, “Guard your heart = disconnect yourself from all emotion so you don’t get hurt,” and so that’s what I did in the past and it's what I’m learning not to do now.

Now I have that natural sinful tendency anyway without any prompting. This is very anti-biblical (hence the adjective sinful). God tells us to love others and we can only love others by letting them into our lives, being vulnerable, and letting our guard down, so to speak. This applies to every kind of relationship. The truth is, relationships are messy and will be painful at some point. There is no way to guard against that unless you become anti-social altogether (which is also unbiblical and unnatural – God made us to be in relationship with both Him and others). In any relationship – whether with family or friends or dating – your heart and feelings are going to become involved. You will become attached. That’s just how it works. It’s deceptive to believe otherwise (and I am mainly preaching to myself here!), but, then again, sin is deceitful. That’s its nature and power, but God in His mercy exposes our sin for what it is and frees us with the truth (John 8:32) of His Word and the provision of Jesus Christ (Romans 8:2; Galatians 5:1).

The truth is we do not have the power to guard our hearts in this way and the Bible doesn’t command us to do this. Instead, the Bible commands us to guard our affections so that Christ and only Christ is central. He should be the object of all our love and devotion and thoughts and concern and desire. Him and Him alone. Not friends, not family, not dating relationships, or any other person or thing. They do not satisfy and they do not ultimately last. Jesus Christ alone satisfies us and He satisfies us forever (John 4:13-14).

    You open your hand;
        You satisfy the desire of every living thing. Psalm 145:16

For more on this topic see these articles from Revive Our Hearts and True Woman.

My Good Shepherd

Not to long ago, I posted about being God’s sheep. Since then, the Lord has been really been hitting me with how He is my Shepherd and what that means. Today, He pressed it upon my heart to study Psalm 23. It’s a very familiar passage to many, but it’s one I haven’t really meditated on too much until recently.

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
        He makes me lie down in green pastures.
    He leads me beside still waters.
        He restores my soul.
    He leads me in paths of righteousness
        for his name's sake.
    Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
        I will fear no evil,
    for you are with me;
        your rod and your staff,
        they comfort me.
    You prepare a table before me
        in the presence of my enemies;
    you anoint my head with oil;
        my cup overflows.
    Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
        all the days of my life,
    and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD
        forever. Psalm 23

God uses the imagery of being the Shepherd of His people throughout the Bible (Psalm 100:3, Isaiah 40:11, Ezekiel 34:11-31, Matthew 9:36, John 10:1-18, Hebrews 13:20-21, 1 Peter 2:25, Revelation 7:17). A good shepherd provides for and protects and knows his sheep. Jesus is our Good Shepherd (John 10:11). He knows us better than we know ourselves (Psalm 139). He gives us everything we need (verse 1; Psalm 34: 9, 10). He protects us from every kind of danger (Psalm 91:14; 1 Peter 2:25). He does what is best for His sheep (John 10:15). Like sheep, we can sometimes be very disobedient, distracted, ugly (on the inside), needy, and naive. God is very kind not to leave us as helpless, lost sheep. Instead, He seeks us out and brings us into His fold (Psalm 119:176). Jesus said there is much rejoicing in heaven when a sheep is found and restored to the fold (Matthew 18:12-14).
While reading this Psalm, I was struck by how Christ is not only the Shepherd in this passage, but He is also the provision this passage talks about. He leads us to Himself. He is the one in whom we have no lack. He is the rest for which we long. He brings restoration to our wayward souls. He is the path of righteousness. He overcame the evil one and grants us peace in the valley of deep darkness. He gives us access into the house of the Lord. And what really hit me is that He is the table that was prepared.

“You prepare a table before me…” - One of the cross-references for this verse is Psalm 78:19, which quotes the Israelites asking, “Can God spread a table in the wilderness?” The Israelites asked this as they were wandering in the wilderness. They were very hungry and thought they were going to starve do death. Now, remember, they had just witnessed God’s awesome power in delivering them from slavery in Egypt and they had just seen God give them water out of a rock when they were thirsty. Now they ask, “Can God save us again? Did He deliver us in order to kill us off in the desert?” God if faithful and does again meet their needs. After they had wandered in the desert for 40 years (because of their disobedience), the Lord told them why He allowed them to wander for so long:

And you shall remember the whole way that the LORD your God has led you these forty years in the wilderness, that he might humble you, testing you to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep his commandments or not. And he humbled you and let you hunger and fed you with manna, which you did not know, nor did your fathers know, that he might make you know that man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD. Deuteronomy 8:2-3

God was teaching them that He was all they needed; that He would supply all their needs; that He was sufficient. Isn’t that the same lesson He wants to teach all of His sheep? So God wanted more for them that physical bread; He wanted to give them the bread of His Word. He wants the same for us. Jesus Christ is that Bread (John 6:35). He is the Word made flesh (John 1:1, 14) and His flesh gives us life (John 6:54; Matthew 26:26). God wants us to feast on Him. It is in Christ that the goodness of God overflows to us (verse 5; Ephesians 1:3). He is the table prepared.

Like before when I talked about two different masters (Jesus or sin), there are two different shepherds. You either have one or the other; there is no in-between. Jesus is the true Shepherd, but unless/until we know Him, Death is our Shepherd (Psalm 49:14). Psalm 49 describes our helpless state. We are wise in our own eyes and live as though death will not touch us. No one can help us because our life is costly (verses 7, 8). No man can save us. But God can and He did by becoming a man to rescue us from death. He is perfect and can pay the full cost of our ransom. He snatches us from the path of destruction – a path we are all on until Christ saves us. He does this by living a perfect life for us and then dying the death we deserve, taking our punishment. Jesus Christ is the Good Shepherd who gives His life for His sheep.

An Unexpected Treat

It's been forever since I've been to the races. When I was in high school, my family and I went to the dirt track almost every weekend. My sister and I have been discussing how we "need" to go to a race and are actually supposed to be going sometime this summer with a few friends (and I do mean few; race fans are scarce in the seminary world :). This past Thursday, however, my sister and I were given free tickets to this weekend's NASCAR race. We were stoked. Although I used to avidly follow NASCAR on TV, I had never been to a race. Until this weekend. And it was so much fun!

The Lord is incredibly kind in His dealings with us. Not only does He gives us every spiritual blessing in Christ (Ephesians 1:3), but He gives us nonspiritual blessings as well. Every good gift comes from Him (James 1:17), and I would consider this a good gift. :) Not only that, but I am amazed at how tailored God's gifts are. He didn't give my sister and me free tickets to, let's say, the ballet, but to something we enjoy: racing. Jesus knows His people really well and enjoys blessing us in every way...even with something as insignificant as racing.

Deeper Understanding

I am currently in Southern Missouri soaking up the countryside and taking a much needed breather from the daily demands and responsibilities of life. The Lord has been ever so gracious to answer mine and Kristi's prayers for a restful and relaxing weekend with beautiful weather.

The Lord has recently revealed to me something that I have allowed to become an idol in my life, namely, the understanding of what He has been doing. One of the verses the Lord continues to use in my life is Proverbs 3:5-6:

    Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
        and do not lean on your own understanding.
    In all your ways acknowledge him,
        and he will make straight your paths.

These are words I strive to live by. I do not want to make decisions in my own strength, but in His strength. I do not want to rely on my own limited wisdom, but on the infinite wisdom of my sovereign God. But what the Lord has shown me is that instead of fully trusting Him, I have been relying on my understanding of what I think He is doing. I have been tying to connect the dots of how He is working and figure out what He is doing, and when I connect a few dots, I run with it. But the Lord doesn't want me to trust in how I perceive Him to be working; He wants me to trust HIM. This is hard. I like answers and desperately want them, so much so that my focus has shifted from Christ to trying to figure out what He's doing. As messed up as this sounds (and sin is messed up!), I have made trying to understand what God is doing (which is in itself a good thing) into an idol (which is sin). The Lord has been very kindly and gently showing me this over the past few weeks, but He hit me with it full-force this morning at Meadow Heights. Pastor Bryan was giving an update on the fire that occurred at the AV campus and in so doing was testifying to the sovereignty of God over the fire and the delay that will now occur with future expansion plans. He shared this verse, which the Lord led him to in his personal study:

The Lord directs our steps,
so why try to understand everything along the way? Proverbs 20:24 NLT

Guilty, guilty, guilty. I am really struggling with this, and it's frustrating. Why can't I just rest in the Lord? He knows what He's doing and He doesn't need my help and He doesn't need my understanding of what He's doing. In my pride, I have been occupying myself with things to great and too wonderful for me (Job 42:3; Psalm 131:1). Verse seven of Proverbs three continues with this warning: "Be not wise in your own eyes." Which is what I have been doing. The truth is that the secret things belong to the Lord and only what He chooses to reveal is what is mine (Deuteronomy 29:29). He has given me everything I need to walk in faithfulness to Him (2 Peter 1:3). I need nothing else and any understanding He chooses to give me is a gift from Him.

One connection He has allowed me to make was when I was recently reading through my past journal entries of the last couple of years. As I was reading, I realized that the trials and lessons and struggles that I have faced these past 18 months or so have been a direct result of things for which I have been praying. Although, admittedly, they were not the answers I envisioned, the Lord has been graciously answering the cries of my heart for more of Him and less of me (John 3:30). It is a testament to the fact that we don't always fully understand what we're praying for (John 10:38). Here is a sampling of the requests that the Lord has been pleased to answer:

“make me like Christ in every way”
“give me patience”
“teach me how to wait” (For real, who prays for that???)
“kill my pride”
“make me more humble”
“break me”
“be my only satisfaction”
"help me to be more vulnerable with others"
“remove all the dross from my life”
"remove all the idols of my life”

Etc, etc. The Lord is obviously pleased with these kinds of prayers because He has been answering all of them at one time. I look at these and I’m like, “Rachel, these are good things to pray, but did you have to ask for them all at once?” :) But, obviously, it was the Lord’s will for me to do so. It is the will of the Father to make each of His children more like Christ (1 Thessalonians 4:3). His Holy Spirit gave me these desires and led me to pray what I did. And I would pray them all over again and I will continue to pray them because, even though they bring the refining and disciplining hand of the Lord, I know that the end result (more of Christ) is worth it. Even in the midst of the pain that these answered prayers have caused there is great joy because I know that the Lord is fulfilling His purposes in and through me (Psalm 138:8). In John 16:24, Jesus tells us to ask so that we will receive so that our joy may be full. The ESV footnote to this verse says:

Ask, and you will receive reminds believers that frequent answers to prayer will give Jesus' followers great joy as they see God actively at work in the world in answer to their prayers.

And it's true. It is encouraging to see that the Lord is answering my prayers for more of Christ. Everything He allows in my life is for that purpose. He works all things for good (Romans 8:28). Nothing comes into my life that does not first pass through His sovereign hand. In this there is hope and joy and freedom and, although I cannot say I am thankful for the pain or the circumstances themselves, I am thankful for the what Jesus is doing in me and for what He is teaching me. Pray that I will fully embrace all that He is doing and trust Him more fully.

There are many more lessons that I have learned in the darkness of these past 18 months, but the ones in this blog series have been the dominant ones and I pray that the Lord will continue to work these lessons deep within me and use them to further His kingdom purposes in making much of Christ.

What I tell you in the dark, say in the light, and what you hear whispered, proclaim on the housetops. Matthew 10:27