Death Changes Everything

Death changes everything. It interrupts daily life. It changes relationships. It alters family traditions. It leaves an unfillable void. Nothing seems to be the same in its wake. And, as time goes on, it seems as if you see how much impact the death of a loved one has on the entire family.

Yesterday, was my Grandma Hovis's funeral (dad's mom). And, even though it was her funeral, I mourned more for my dad than for her. There were too many similarities: same funeral home, same preacher, and same graveyard. It's amazing what still catches me off guard and brings me to tears regarding my dad. I knew how the service would go for the most part, but I wasn't prepared for these words in my Grandma's obituary, which was read out loud: "Proceeded in death by...Gary Hovis." I lost it. It was such a stark reminder of what seems to be not fair - parents burying their children - and of my own personal loss. My grandparents, though, have buried three children and lost numerous other relatives over the years. They were, unfortunately, well acquainted with loss and grief.

My grandma: Naomi Hovis (1923-2016)

My Grandma Hovis professed to be a believer in Jesus Christ, so she, like my dad, finally has her Reward. We can all mourn with hope because she is not gone forever. She is experiencing no more suffering and no more pain. And she has her mind back (oh the joy!). She has been reunited with all those whom she knew who were also believers. They are all rejoicing together as they worship Jesus Christ and rest in His glorious presence. More than seeing lost loved ones, more than escaping this messed up world, more than experiencing wholeness and healing and sinlessness and relief, the true prize of Heaven is being with Jesus and experiencing unbroken and unending fellowship with Him; of seeing Him face to face in all of His glory.

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God. Matthew 5:8
Well done, good and faithful servant...enter into the joy of your Master. Matthew 25:23
In [God's] presence, there is fullness of joy; at [God's] right hand are pleasures forevermore. Psalm 16:11
"Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be His people, and God Himself with be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall me no more, neither shall there me mourning nor crying nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away...Behold, I am making all things new." Revelation 21:3-5

So I don't know how things will change in my family now that my grandma is gone. There is much healing to be done. For my grandpa, who was married to her for 66 years, everything has changed. He' the one I feel for most. He can't stay by himself, so not only is his wife and companion gone, but he also has a different caregiver and different home. Things will never be the same for him. Pray for him, please.

In some ways, the Hovis family is still reeling and healing from the loss of my dad (over two years ago now). Relationships look different than they did then. There is more bickering and more bitterness and more interpersonal conflict, it seems, among the siblings. People just don't seem to be as close, and it makes my heart sad. I am not saying that my dad made his family perfect, but he did seem to be a stabilizer or peacemaker of sorts. He had a way of speaking wisdom and clarity into situations. He also spoke his mind. And I am sure he would have some things to say about the turmoil that is happening within different families in the Hovis clan. But, I cannot change how things are and I shouldn't mourn over what could be. God, in His great wisdom and grace, has seen fit to ordain things the way He has. I cannot hope in my family or in situations getting better, but I can hope in the One who makes all things new and who can bring wholeness out of brokenness. He has a plan for me and my relatives - for all of us. Let us seek Him first and He will take care of these other things. Maybe (and hopefully) God will use these losses to turn many hearts in my family to Him. Oh what a day that will be!

Where to Set Your Hope

And now, O Lord, for what do I wait?
My hope is in you. Psalm 39:7

It has been about 10 years since I sensed God calling me to serve Him overseas. Yet here I am still in the United States, learning much, being further prepared and refined, waiting to be deployed. After struggling with the idea of leaving my family and the familiarity and comfort of life in Southeast Missouri (not to mention the United States) and talking to my pastor and telling my parents, I surrendered to the Lord’s beckoning and began to seek Him for the next step. My reluctance quickly changed to eagerness to pack up and go. But that wasn’t the next step that God had for me. I mean, I was to pack up and go, but it wasn’t to go to a foreign country; it was to move to Louisville, Kentucky, for further schooling. I didn’t know it at the time, but I had a lot to learn (and unlearn). So the Lord led me to Louisville to study at Southern Seminary and, as much as I wanted to be done with school, I absolutely loved my time at Southern.

When I graduated 3 years ago (where does the time go?!), I thought, “Finally. It’s time to go.” So I started the application process to serve abroad. Yet here I am still in Louisville, Kentucky. I still had (have) much to learn (and relearn), but this time the lessons came outside of a formal education. The classroom this time was life and Jesus walked (and carried) me through some of the most difficult years of my life in order to humble me and test me; to teach me to hunger for Him and depend on Him and feed from His Word (Deuteronomy 8:2-5).

Looking back, I can see the Lord's great wisdom and kindness in keeping me in the States as He has. There is no doubt that I am where I am supposed to be in this moment. For how long, I do not know, but the Lord continues to tell me to wait. And so that is what I will do until I receive my marching orders. Even though just a few months ago, I thought I might be leaving soon, God has made it clear that that is not the plan for the immediate future. There are several things happening in my life that make it clear that I should wait: my mom's health, my sister's engagement, something else (or should I say someone) that has entered my life...

Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12

So why I am rambling about and recounting all this? It’s because it is so easy to shift my hope, my aim, as I seek to follow the Lord and be obedient to what I believe He has called me to. It’s so easy to place my hope in the plan He may have for me or in circumstances or in relationships or in whatever I think God may be doing instead of in God Himself. But the truth is every single other thing will disappoint. Every single one. People disappoint. Ministry is hard. Plans get derailed. Circumstances change. But Christ is a sure foundation and hope. He will never disappoint. Sure, those who long for His coming may feel the reality of the proverb above, but they are still assured that it will be realized. Every other hope that is deferred will make our heart sick, but also sad and given to despair because all hope apart from Christ is not guaranteed.

The Lord has been reminding me of this lately. I can become so discontent with my job as I greatly desire to be in full-time ministry. I can become so frustrated with all the seemingly endless roadblocks to going overseas. I can become so weary in trusting God for direction. I can become so faint in praying and believing for my mom’s healing. I can become so impatient in waiting for things to unfold. But none of those things are the ultimate foundation and end goal of my hope (though I lose sight of that at times). I am not to pin my hope on full-time ministry or serving God overseas or in the prospect of marriage. None of which are bad desires in and of themselves, but they all point to something greater. The fulfillment of them can satisfy for a time. They may add to the tree of life mentioned in the proverb above, but they are not the tree of life. They do not give life; only Christ does that. He IS life. In the Christian life, Hope is a Person and His name is Jesus Christ. The Apostle Peter tells us believers to set our hope fully on Christ (1 Peter 1:13). He alone can satisfy completely and endlessly. Ministry and overseas service and marriage find their meaning and purpose and aim in Him. “For from Him and to Him and through Him are all things” (Romans 11:36).

So the verse I started this post with rings true. “And now, O Lord, for what do I wait?” In actuality I am waiting on a lot: direction, clarity, confirmation, my mom’s healing, fruit in ministry, Jesus’ return/going to be with Him…But what I’m waiting on doesn’t really matter ultimately. God is working out all the details of fulfillment when it comes to those things. And as I wait for Him to act instead of looking to the circumstances themselves, He promises to give me strength (Psalm 40:31). So then what am I really waiting for? Because “my hope is in You.” I need not wait on them, but on Him. These other things pale in comparison to knowing Jesus and being known my Him. It’s hard to keep that truth central and my focus where it should be, but this should be the aim and foundation of my life and I pray continually that it is. 

Whom have I in heaven but you?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. Psalm 73:25

Jesus, make this true of me.

Two things: My mom is visiting me and my sister for a week!

Also, today marks the 6th month since my dad’s passing. If you don’t mind, please say a quick prayer for me and my family. 

Dearly Loved

This is the message that a friend wrote on my calendar for me to find when I returned in September from Missouri: “You are dearly loved.” It is a phrase that kept popping up during those surrounding weeks from those dear to me and even from one of Spurgeon’s Morning and Evening devotionals. And I did feel loved, as people had poured into me for months (see previous post), carrying me through some of my most difficult hours. God revealed the depths of the relationships He had given me during that time. But, more importantly, God was revealing His love for me through His people. He was reminding me that I am dearly loved by Him (more on that in a moment).

Along with the above message, the Lord kept bringing a particular verse to my attention through my daily devotionals, other people, songs, and even a signature line at the bottom of an email:

The Lord your God is in your midst,
a mighty one who will save;
he will rejoice over you with gladness;
he will quiet you by his love;
he will exult over you with loud singing. Zephaniah 3:17

In the hardness, God wanted to remind me that He delights in me; even though I was in a deep valley, teetering on despair, He was singing over me. And He was (is) with me. That is a sweet verse and I gladly welcomed the reminder.

Then more hard weeks followed. Disappointments. Bad News. Failing Faith. Exposed sin. Zephaniah 3:17 forgotten. Most days felt like a struggle or a fog and the presence of Christ seemed far away. All I could see was my life crumbling around me and the wickedness of my own heart rising in response (selfishness, doubts, cynicism, bitterness, anger, etc.). Added to these things was an almost constant internal spiritual warfare. But Christ had a purpose in allowing all of these things into my life. Namely, He wants to magnify His grace as He refines me and reveals more of Himself (in, through and to me).

But it is hard to keep focus on that purpose in the heat of the fire. I realized that I was struggling and the Holy Spirit was prompting me to spend more time in the Word, but I felt like there was a veil keeping me from seeing Christ and His promises clearly. So, over the past week, I started praying for a fresh vision of Christ. And I believe the Father is answering that prayer and here’s why. First, Pastor Bryan prayed that for me and my sister this past weekend. He didn’t know I was desiring that, but God did. Second, the speaker in chapel today said something to that affect at the beginning of his sermon (and can I just say that that sermon was exactly what I needed to hear; pretty much a sum of all that God is teaching me, which I am describing in this post!). Third, God is constantly reminding me of His presence. I mean, constantly: almost daily in my devotionals, in His Word, through other people, and in the past three sermons I have heard. It’s like He is saying, “Just open your eyes, I am here!” Even when I can’t see Him, He is present. Even when I can’t sense Him, He is present. Even when I feel forsaken, He is present. How do I know that? Because the Bible tells me so (Joshua 1:9, Psalm 46:5; Zephaniah 3:17 above, Matthew 28:20, Hebrews 13:5, etc.; cf. Matthew 1:23).

Admittedly, these are much more pleasant lessons to learn than those of patience and waiting and endurance (though I’m learning the former in the midst of the latter). And it goes to show you that you never “arrive.” These are basic, yet deeply-profound truths. Even though I’ve been to seminary and have been following Jesus for a little over a decade, I still need to be reminded of them over and over again:

1. God loves me (Romans 5:8)
2. God is with me (Matthew 28:20)
3. God has a plan for my life (Jeremiah 29:11)

The first one is probably the most difficult one for me to grasp. I have trouble connecting with it. Maybe it's because I'm not a super-sappy kind of person. Maybe it's because I have heard this truth so flippantly used over and over again. I know mentally that God loves me and believe that He does based on Scripture, as a theological truth, but I have trouble feeling it, receiving it, letting it affect me daily (if that makes sense). I don't wake up saying, "God loves me" (though, maybe I should!). I mean, I get that God is just. I get that He is sovereign. I get that He is holy and perfect and true and worthy. But that He loves me specifically and personally (and not just generally), that’s another story. This is something I know that I’ve been deficient in for awhile and something the Lord is slowly growing me in. I know it is something I will never understand completely (see Ephesians 3:18-19), but I also know there is much room for growth. And it’s not like the Lord doesn’t demonstrate His personal love and care for me regularly (like all the examples noted above). The deficiency is in me. I’m having a connection problem. I know that I am dearly loved by Jesus Christ, but I want to feel it, sense it, soak in it. So, if you don’t mind, please pray these words for me from the Apostle Paul:

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Ephesians 3:14-19

Under-realized

The sky of my life has been gray these past few days. The storm clouds keep rolling in trying to block the light of the Son. There are many things on my heart and mind that I will not share in detail here, but they are heavy and painful and I would appreciate your prayers*.

Through these things the Lord has been showing me how much I underestimate Him and how much I overestimate myself. The Lord first grabbed my attention with this a while back when a speaker in chapel warned against having either an over-realized eschatology or an under-realized eschatology. I am definitely not the former. I am fully aware that God’s kingdom is not here. There is too much pain and heartache and suffering and things-gone-wrong, for the reign of Christ to be in full-force. But an under-realized eschatology? I had never thought of it that way before and, at the time I heard the message, I could definitely pinpoint specific areas of my life where my life and attitude wasn’t resting in the power of Christ to hear and answer and save and transform. Oh, I was praying. I was reading my Bible. I was interceding for others. I was serving in and outside of my church. But I was also not really expecting God to answer my prayers. I was looking at the darkness in one particular ministry situation and wondering if God would really change the people that seemed so comfortable in their life apart from Him. I was too focused on the hardness of life and the mire of sin to think that God could/would change it. That is under-realized eschatology. That is a lack of faith. And that is sin.

So what do you do when the Lord convicts you of such a sin? Repent and go back to the basics. Focus on the truth. The truth is that Christ has conquered sin and death and is ruling and reigning at the right hand of God. The truth is that God desires all people to be saved. The truth is that God’s ways are higher than mine and He is often working in ways I cannot perceive. The truth is that God delights in hearing and responding to my prayers. The truth is that the Holy Spirit is guiding my prayers. The truth is that God is sovereign and good and has all-power and all-authority and He does all that He pleases and all that He pleases is good.

Another basic is that my eyes need to be fixed on the eternal, on Christ. While the things that I see and experience are real, Christ is more real. He is over those things. He allows those things. He is working in and through those things for His own glory and my good. Jesus is the constant in any given situation. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever, and His promises never fail. My health may fail. My job may end. My circumstances may worsen. My relationships may change or end. But Jesus is the same through it all. The Bible tells me to consider Him; to fix my eyes on Him; to focus on Him; to place my hope in Him; and to cast my cares on Him because He will sustain me and because He desires my good.

It is exactly in Jesus’ powerful working in response to my prayers that reveals my lack of faith that He will answer, because I am almost caught of guard when He does respond. For instance, I have been praying several specific things regarding two of my cousins and my dad, and one Sunday they all went to my home church together. That’s right: all at one time. And I couldn’t believe it. And the Lord was like, “Isn’t that what you’ve been requesting for each of them?” Well, yeah, but I still didn’t see that one coming. I mean, God answered three separate, specific prayers in one swoop. I’m still amazed.

Then, most recently, I prayed a rather dangerous and hard prayer last week. One that I am seeing answered this week in ways that I never would have imagined (or prayed for actually), and the Lord is beckoning me to trust His good intentions and plans in the midst of the current situation. My pastor’s blog post was very timely to strengthen my faith in light of this. In the pain and the struggling, I need not comfort myself with Christian platitudes or mask it with superficial pleasantries, but, instead, I should consider Christ. I should consider all the ways the Lord may be working to answer the cry of my heart last week, and how He may be working for His glory in my family, and how He may be working to give me and my family more of Christ.

    But, as it is written,
    “What no eye has seen, nor ear heard,
        nor the heart of man imagined,
   what God has prepared for those who love him” 1 Corinthians 2:9

Finally, all of these things are helping me to see that I have an under-realized view of my own brokenness and frailty (basically, an over-realized view of myself). Here is the truth: I am broken. I would rarely ever tell you that, but it’s true. I am a broken and fragile human being that needs the grace of Jesus Christ every single day, and His grace is sufficient for all of these things. So often I think I have to be strong for so many people: my sister, my family, my church family, the people I minister to, but the truth is I cannot be and God doesn’t call me to be. He calls me to rest in His strength and then He will strengthen me to help others. And it’s very well true that He could use others to strengthen me (a.k.a. be strong for me). It’s a lot of responsibility (and it’s prideful) to think that I must be strong for others. And it points to me rather than pointing to my God. I am not sufficient for any of these things, but Christ is. May He show Himself to be through this broken and fragile human being.

But [Jesus] said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

*One of these things is that my dad was diagnosed today with a tumor. Please pray for his healing and for my family. Thank you.

Remembering and Revealing...

I do not usually keep anniversaries of events or stuff like that, but the Lord has been pleased to remind me of certain things He has done in my life and when I consider how long it has been, they "happen" to be at milestone-type years.

Five years ago, the Lord did two pretty significant things in my life. The first is that I began to sense Him leading me to serving Him overseas. I struggled with this call for several months: was it really His voice or just my imagination? Is He for sure? What would I do? Where would I go? How could He use a shy, country girl like me for His kingdom? As I read Dr. Sills's book, the Lord has been reconfirming His calling on my life. What that looks like exactly, I have no idea, but I trust the Great Shepherd to direct me into His perfect will.

Also five years ago, the Lord revealed to me and began dealing with me about an incredible vice in my life. I had some serious issues with body image and food that were taking complete control of my life. It became my "god." I was not anorexic or bulimic so I didn't even realize I had a problem until the Lord shined His glorious light on it. I was a sophomore at Missouri Baptist University in Saint Louis at the time, and on Wednesday nights I would ride home to Fredericktown with some friends to attend church. It was during one of these services that the Lord showed me my problem. I don't remember the sermon, but I do remember that we were asked to write down something that we needed to surrender to God and lay it at the alter. This was the first step in a long process of recovery. The biggest breakthrough came when the Lord led me to a book about the very thing I was dealing with. It was called Life Inside the "Thin Cage" by Constance Rhodes. I discovered it while looking up something for my mom on a Christian bookstore website. At the bottom of the page was a link that read: "I don't have an eating disorder. I just watch what I eat..." I clicked on the link and read about the book and KNEW I had to buy it. So I did. The author was a Christian woman who used to have the same misconceptions about food and body image that I was experiencing. I couldn't believe it. It blew my mind that other people struggled in this manner. She labeled this subclinical eating disorder as Chronic Dieting which is characterized with an obsession with watching what you eat, declaring some foods to be "safe" and other to be "off-limits" and other made-up rules for eating. For me, it began with wanting to "get into shape" and be "healthy", but then somewhere along the line it became something way more. I started adding rules...lots of them (when to eat/not eat, what to eat/not eat, punishment for breaking rules, etc.). Added to this were the lies of the enemy and the standards of the media/culture. I was then trapped in my own self-made prison and filled with shame that I ever got in that position to begin with. The Lord Jesus Christ, however, is the Chain Breaker. Check out this portion from Psalm 107:

Fools because of their transgression, and because of their iniquities, are afflicted.
Their soul abhorreth all manner of meat; and they draw near unto the gates of death.
Then they cry unto the LORD in their trouble, and he saveth them out of their distresses.
He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.
Oh that men would praise the LORD for his goodness, and for his wonderful works to the children of men!
And let them sacrifice the sacrifices of thanksgiving, and declare his works with
rejoicing. (v.17-22)

That is what He did in my life. He delivered me from my destructions and saved me from my distresses. He used His Word and He used a book. If you have something you are dealing with, He can handle it. Give it to Him. He will save you when you turn to Him. He always knows the best way.

The Lord is a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.
And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, O LORD, have not
forsaken those who seek you. Psalm 9:8-10

Father, I thank you that You have a plan for my life and that you did not leave me to myself but always lead and guide me. You are the Great Shepherd and Healer. Thank you for breaking me out of the prison I created for myself and continue to lead me into Your Truth and into Your Will. Use the trials and circumstances in my life as a testament to Your goodness and as a way to further the name of Christ. Thank you Jesus for eternally taking on flesh and becoming one of us so that You might save us. You are beautiful and I love you. Amen.

I will give thanks to the Lord with my whole heart; I will recount all of your
wonderful deeds. Pslam 9:1

Before I end (I know this post is long enough already), I have a prayer request. My cousin Shawn has been very ill. I am not clear on all the details, but His stomach has knots in it and bacteria, bile is leaking into his stomach, he is unable to keep down food so he has lost a lot of weight and the other day he passed out. He has also missed many days of work. To top things off, he had an allergic reaction to the medicine the doctors gave him. Please pray for his healing, for the Lord to give the doctors wisdom, for his wife and for the Lord to provide for them financially as he misses work. Thank you.