From Pride to Praise

Yesterday I turned 33. I know that's not really considered a milestone age, but I couldn't help thinking that this was the age that Jesus Christ died. He lived a short life and it was a hard life in the sense of being misunderstood and rejected and carrying the weight and sorrows of the world. His life ended abruptly by betrayal, an unjust trial, severe beatings and humiliation, and crucifixion. He died that we might live. His life purchased my life and restored me to God. I can live because of Him.

I have to admit my life is not what I imagined it would be at this point. That's been hard for me to accept in many ways, which shows my arrogance in thinking that I know better than God what is best for me. I was hit with this truth during last Sunday's sermon at Renaissance. We had a guest preacher who preached from James 4:13-17, about boasting about the future. He did not sugar coat what Jesus through James is condemning us Christians for: we arrogantly think we can make our plans without regard to God and when things don't go our way, we get bent out of shape. The preacher said that God, in His grace, sometimes painfully chips away at our plans to expose and crush this arrogance so that the arrogance doesn't crush us. Ultimately, Jesus Christ died for our arrogance on the cross.

I can see this arrogance in my own life. I had a particular vision of what I wanted my life and ministry to look like. And when God started messing with my plans, then I struggled. I became confused and grumbled against the Lord's leading, and sometimes I fell into despair. I was more sold out to my own vision of the future than I was to following Jesus wherever He may lead. I had my hands clenched tightly around my plans and over these past couple of years, Jesus has been prying my fingers off those plans. And it hurt. I felt like a failure. I felt like I was missing God's will, that I had gone down the wrong path. But the truth is that I was balking against God's work in my life because it didn't fit nicely into the path I had designed for myself. There is nothing inherently wrong with the dreams I had, but there was in my heart attitude towards them. In my zeal to serve God overseas and in dreaming about ministry, I had begun to idolize and worship them instead of continually seeking God and His guidance and allowing Him to guide and shape my heart.

Although the Lord has been teaching me to surrender to Him in all areas of life, this especially hit home while listening to this sermon. My problem was not only idolizing my plans, but my problem is arrogance. I thought I was wiser than God when it came to knowing how to best use my life. I wanted Him to bow down to my plans and make them successful like He was some genie who was at my bidding. This realization was hard and heavy. But God is so very kind to reveal these heart attitudes to me, so that I could repent and begin living in the freedom He has called me to in Christ.

I have continued to think about these things over the past few days. And yesterday it hit me: although my life isn't what I envisioned, God has blessed me with so many good things. I do like what He is doing in my life. I am thankful I am where I am. And with that realization comes so much freedom. I don't have to worry or wonder whether my life looks a certain way. Jesus only requires me to be faithful to Him and that means heeding His Word and following Him. He is not as concerned about the destination (career, ministry, etc) as I am; He is more concerned with the process of me getting there (knowing Him deeper, growing in Christlikeness and in community, being faithful, dying to myself). So, yes, I am not in Asia; I am not in full-time ministry; I have no idea if the dreams I am surrendering to God will ever be fulfilled; BUT God has blessed me with everything I need in Christ Jesus. He has been teaching me about living in His grace and living life in community. He has blessed me with a very sweet marriage to a godly man and we have a baby boy on the way. He gives me constant opportunities to minister to others in a variety of ways. He is good and does good (Psalm 119:68). I have so much to be thankful for.

Just Embrace It

Time and tide wait for no man, but time always stands still for a woman of thirty. Robert Frost

Last Friday, I turned 30. It’s hard to believe that I have been alive for three decades. [What am I doing with my life?] My life looks different than I thought it would at this age. I thought I would be married. I thought I would be overseas. I never imagined that my dad would be gone. But Jesus has planned and established every one of my steps, so I am exactly where He wants me to be. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Indeed, with the psalmist I can say, “The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places” (Psalm 16:6).

Although there are things that have happened in my life that are not good in and of themselves, God’s pronouncement over them is good because He is working in them for my good (Psalm 119:68; Romans 8:28; 2 Corinthians 4:16-18). And He has graciously allowed me to do some pretty incredible things and He still chooses to use me, usually in ways that I don’t even in realize, and I trust and pray that He will continue to do so. Without Christ, my life would look WAY different. I am so thankful that He chose me and saved me and has allowed me to know Him. All true joy and peace and satisfaction are found in Him. I realize that more and more with each passing year.

It’s been my experience that most people who turn 30 hate it. They get depressed or they freak out or they dread it. But to me it’s just another birthday. I’ve decided to embrace it. I mean, I don’t feel 30 and I don’t look 30, judging by the number of people who think I am in my late teens or early twenties or by the shock on their faces when they find out my real age (though, if I have too many more years like this one I will look my age! ;). Getting older means one glorious truth: I am one year close to my true Home. :)

I usually don’t do anything to celebrate my birthday in any formal way (I haven’t done that since I was 12 or 13) nor do I particularly care about my birthday. It’s usually around or even on Thanksgiving, which is my favorite time of year so that is celebration enough for me. But this year was a milestone birthday so my sister and one of my close friends wanted to make it memorable. It was. The details of it were a surprise, but they made a reservation at The Old Spaghetti Factory in downtown Louisville where we celebrated with some of my dearest friends (and, thankfully, there was no corporate singing of Happy Birthday). It was cool to see the ladies from different areas of my life (Rolling Fields, Scarlet Hope, and SBTS) in one room. Normally those aspects of my life never collide.

Mostly, this birthday has been a reminder to reflect on the Lord's grace and goodness displayed in my life. That in itself is a grace from the Lord as He has been gently reminding me of all that He has done and continues to do. He has done a lot in my heart these last few weeks to restore my hope in Him, particularly in regards to the future. I just want to be used by Christ and consumed with Him (though I lose focus of that at times), and I know that is what He wants too. That is my birthday “wish” this year (and every year).