Another Loss

“I shall go to him, but he will not return to me.” 2 Samuel 12:23

This is a deeply personal post. I am sharing because, even though I wouldn’t choose these circumstances, this is how the Lord has chosen to work in my life. I try to be honest that living the Christian life, that following Jesus, is not about a life of ease and comfort. Suffering and affliction come to believers and unbelievers alike, in many shapes and forms, and yet with different purposes. In the life of the one who believes in Jesus Christ, suffering and affliction is a tool that God uses to draw His people closer to Himself (Hos. 6:1-3; Heb. 4:15-16), to increase their trust in Him (2 Cor. 1:9), to teach them (Psalm 119:67, 71), to discipline them (Heb. 12:7-11), to allow them to share in Christ’s sufferings (Phil. 3:8-11; 2 Tim. 1:8), and to allow them to identify with and comfort others (2 Cor. 1:2-7) – to name a few. It is not for punishment. Christ took every ounce of punishment for those who place their trust in Him. And it is not arbitrary or meaningless (2 Cor. 4:16-18). The life and death of Jesus gives meaning to even the most minute and mundane things. God always seems to be a million things at once in our lives, so whatever circumstances we may find ourselves in, they are not pointless.

These are the things that God is reminding me as my husband and I face a painful loss. Death visited us again in January. This time in a way that is harder to understand and express. About a month ago, Daniel and I found out we were pregnant. We were excited (and scared), but so thankful for such a quick answer to prayer. And, suddenly, before we could even begin to wrap our minds around this little gift of life, it was over. At 8 weeks (a week ago today), I miscarried. The talk of painting one of the bedrooms for a nursery, guessing if it would be a boy or girl, and already beginning to care for this tiny addition to our family was all over in an instant.

But God is faithful and He is near. He is not a God who is far away and is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses and sufferings. The Bible says He is close to the broken-hearted (Psalm 34:18). In fact, He entered into and identified with our sufferings by sending His Son, Jesus. Jesus was called a Man of Sorrows (Isaiah 53:3). He was tempted in every way were are, yet He did not sin (Hebrews 4:15). He knows intimately what we are going through and He has been very near to us, pursuing us through His Word and through His people and surrounding us with His presence.

In fact, God began pursuing my heart and preparing me for this loss in the days leading up to the miscarriage (and the days following). Through songs and Bible reading and the radio and the devotional I am reading, He has been calling me to do one thing: Praise (the one thing that doesn’t come naturally in times like these. No matter what would happen with the baby (because by the time last weekend came, we knew there was something wrong), God was asking me to trust Him and to commit to praise Him. He was asking me to adopt the words of Job as my own. Job lost all his possession, his ten children, his heath, and his status in the blink of an eye. And yet this is how he responded:

Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head and fell on the ground and worshiped. And he said, “Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” Job 1:20-21

God asked me to do the same. As I was listening to the Shane and Shane song below, God was essentially ask me, “Will you praise me no matter what? Are you willing to worship me even when I take away?” My heart, although trembling, cried out a firm Yes. I choose to trust You, Lord. I choose to remember that Your ways are higher and thoughts are greater, and that You will not withhold from me anything that is good for me.”

I am currently studying through the Psalms, and even there God was beckoning me to praise Him:

“Praise the Lord! Praise the name of the Lord, give praise, O servants of the Lord…Praise the Lord, for the Lord is good; sing to His name, for it is pleasant.” Psalm 135:1, 3
“Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good, His steadfast love endures forever.” Psalm 136:1

So, with God’s help and strength, that is what Daniel and I have been trying to do. We don’t pretend to understand why we had a miscarriage. We don’t pretend that this isn’t hard or painful, because it is very much so. We don’t pretend we haven’t been tempted to self-pity or bitterness or envy because we have (or, at least, I have). But we do choose to take God at His Word and trust that He is working in such dark circumstances and that He is in control of life and death and that He will work in and through this for our good. And I have no doubt that God will use this loss to make the love and message of Jesus shine brightly in our lives. I have already seen signs of Him doing so. 

God’s Best???

"The bud may have a bitter taste, but sweet will be the flower" - William Cowper

Over the summer, Daniel and I read a book on marriage by Timothy Keller called The Meaning of Marriage. We both desire a marriage that reflects the great love Jesus Christ has for His people. One of my biggest takeaways from that book is the fact that Jesus is the example for both the role of the husband and the role of the wife. He demonstrates what servant leadership and loving sacrifice looks like (in relation to us) for the husband. And He shows us what humble and joyful submission looks like (in relation to the Father) for the wife. I absolutely love that, and think it is so empowering and encouraging as a new wife to see that the way Jesus relates to the Father is the pattern for how I am to relate to Daniel.

Anyway, that really doesn’t have anything to do with the subject of this post. That was just a little freebie.

One of the chapters in the book was on singleness. Keller quoted a woman, who was single but desired to be married, who said she learned that singleness was God’s current best for her. If it wasn’t, she’d be married. I agreed with her. That was my thinking while I was single (which was until I was 30 – almost 31): If God promises to withhold no good thing from those who follow Jesus (Psalm 84:11), then He was not withholding marriage from me. Therefore, singleness was God’s best for me until He deemed otherwise and sent me a husband. I still believe that to be true.

But Daniel challenged me on that statement (“This is God’s best for me”) by asking me about a situation we know about where a husband cheated on his wife before they got married and throughout their first year of marriage until he was exposed. They are now separated. So Daniel posed the question, “Is that God’s best for this young woman?” It’s a fair question. God obviously allowed the marriage to take place and knew about the affair the whole time. So was that His best for this woman who is a believer – one of His daughters?

That question haunted me all week. When talking with a friend and my sister who were struggling in different ways, I thought, "Is this God's best?" When reading the book of Judges in the Bible, I read about a man who believed in God but foolishly vowed  to sacrifice whatever first came out of his house if God would give him victory in war (see Judges 11). God gave him the victory and when he returned, his beloved daughter ran out of the house to greet him. The man decided to keep his vow (a sin I believe) by sacrificing his daughter to God (the Bible says God would never require one to sacrifice their children to him – Deut. 18:10 and 2 Kings 17:17 for example). Was this God’s best for her? And what about my dad? A lot of what I believed about what has happened to be the past several years hung on the answer to this question. I didn’t want to live in a lie.

Thankfully, God met me in this question. He helped me to lean into Him instead of letting doubts drive me from Him (like in times past). He brought these truths to my mind from the Bible:

• When Joseph – a man who believed in God and had great character – was sold into slavery by his jealous brothers, and then was lied about and thrown into prison for a crime he didn’t commit, and then forgotten about by someone who promised to get him out of prison (none of these look like God’s best right?), he trusted God. After many years and a turn in events (all brought about by the hands of a sovereign God), he was released from prison and became one of the most powerful men in Egypt. Instead of seeking vengeance on all who had done him wrong, he realized God’s good purposes for him and for the nation of Israel. Joseph said that they all meant it for evil but God meant it for good (Genesis 50:20). God intended all that for good. It was best for Joseph (but not immediately) and for the nation of Israel, His people. And it was all for the glory of God.
• The Apostle Paul tells us that God works all things (including evil and unpleasant circumstances) to fit into a pattern for good for those who love Him and belong to Him (Romans 8:28).
• Psalm 119:68 reminds us that God is good and does good. Sometimes it might not look good to us at first, but He beckons us to trust Him and to remember His great promises (like the one in the previous point).

These are just a few of the verses that God brought to mind. But He also spoke to me from a couple of sermons. One being from John Piper called “This Illness is for the Glory of God.” In it, he describes what love is:

“So what is love? What does it mean to be loved by Jesus? Love means giving us what we need most. And what we need most is not healing, but a full and endless experience of the glory of God. Love means giving us what will bring us the fullest and longest joy. And what is that? What will give you full and eternal joy? The answer of this text is clear: a revelation to your soul of the glory of God—seeing and admiring and marveling at and savoring the glory God in Jesus Christ. When someone is willing to die—or let your brother die—to give you (and your brother) that, he loves you.
Love is doing whatever you have to do to help people see and treasure the glory of God as their supreme joy—to help people see and be satisfied with the glory of God…
These are the two great purposes of all things: God’s demonstration of his glory in Christ, and human beings treasuring that glory above all things…God is doing more than you know.

So what is God’s best? The problem with that question is that it’s not the right question. God’s best is found in Revelation 21-22 when Jesus comes back to judge the earth, to rid it of evil, and to completely renew the earth and His people. There will be no more tears or pain or suffering or death. We will have perfect fellowship with Him forever. That is God’s best. In the meantime, we see glimpses of God’s renewal but we also live in a world full of suffering and pain and death. The circumstances we are in themselves may not be God’s best. But God is still working for the good of His people and the fame of His name. He has good purposes in the horrible things we experience and suffer, and He allows them for a reason. The goal of these things is God’s best. And God’s best for us is Himself, and He will do and allow whatever means necessary – no matter how horrific or painful – to draw us to Him and make us more like Jesus Christ. That is what true love does: it does whatever is necessary to magnify Christ. And it does whatever will be ultimately best for the beloved. Like Piper said, “God is doing more than you know.”Let's lean into that and remind each other of that continually.

Sacrifice

“We are the sheep of His pasture. ‘Enter into His gates with thanksgiving, and into His courts with praise’ [Psalm 100:4]. And what is their purpose inside those courts? To bleat melodies and enjoy the company of the flock? No. Those sheep were destined for the altar. Their pasture feeding had been for one purpose, to test them and fatten them for bloody sacrifice. Give Him thanks then, that you have been counted worthy of His altars. Enter into the work with praise.” – Jim Elliot quoted in Shadow of the Almighty

Back in the month of May [Yes; it has taken me this long to get around to writing this], while reading through my Bible reading plan and while traveling to Missouri for Mother’s Day, God continually brought one word to my attention: sacrifice.

Over the course of May 6th through 8th, I read the following verses:

• Offer to God a sacrifice of thanksgiving, and perform your vows to the Most High…The one who offers thanksgiving as his sacrifice glorifies me; to one who orders his way rightly I will show the salvation of God! Psalm 50:14, 23
• The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise…then will you delight in right sacrifices,in burnt offerings and whole burnt offerings; then bulls will be offered on your altar. Psalm 51:17, 19
• I appeal to you therefore, brothers,by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Romans 12:1
• Do not neglect to do good and to share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God…Now may the God of peace who brought again from the dead our Lord Jesus, the great shepherd of the sheep, by the blood of the eternal covenant, equip you with everything good that you may do his will, working in us that which is pleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory forever and ever. Amen. Hebrews 13:16, 20-21

And also the next week on May 14th, I read:

• As you come to him, a living stone rejected by men but in the sight of God chosen and precious, you yourselves like living stones are being built up as a spiritual house, to be a holy priesthood, to offer spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ. 1 Peter 2:4-5

When I see a common theme or word repeatedly in a short amount of time, I think it’s important to lean in and listen to what God is trying to say. He’s obviously trying to get my attention.  He is the most diligent and purposeful Teacher.

I read these verses during a time when I was discouraged and downcast. Life at the time seemed hard. I was not content. I complained inwardly about my job (was I doing any good there?) and about Pittsburgh (all the reasons why I don’t like it) and about Daniel being gone and barely getting to communicate with him. I was still going to church and small group and reading my Bible and praying and even serving in ministry, but my heart was a wreck.

So what was God saying to me? I think it was: “I delight in inward sacrifice. These are the sacrifices that please Me.” I was sacrificing my time and energy for these spiritual disciplines (which we should do!) without checking my heart in the process. God says to King Saul when he disobeyed him:

“Has the Lord as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices, as in obeying the voice of the Lord? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice,and to listen than the fat of rams.” 1 Samuel 15:22

Don’t get me wrong, we should sacrifice time and energy (and probably more than we normally do) in reading our Bibles and praying and serving and fellowshipping with other believers, but God sees behind our actions and cares more about our hearts. More than any external sacrifices we can make, God says these are the sacrifices that please Him: the sacrifice of thanksgiving, the sacrifice of a broken heart and contrite (repentant) spirit, the sacrifice of every ounce of our lives (living sacrifice), which includes our relationships and plans and jobs and finances and hobbies and every single aspect of who we are. Doing good and sharing what we have with others are also sacrifices that bring delight to God. These are spiritual sacrifices that are acceptable in God’s sight. They please Him. Imagine! We can bring delight to the most Powerful and Beautiful and Holy Being in the universe by being thankful and humbling ourselves before Him!

God is good to us. We have no reason to grumble and complain. We have no reason ultimately to despair. When we do, we dishonor Him. But when we look past our circumstances and feelings, we see that this life is only “light” and “momentary” (2 Corinthians 4:16-18). God has given us every spiritual blessing in Jesus Christ (Ephesians 1:3). He saved us from darkness and death and eternal separation from Him. He displayed His great love for us by going to great and costly lengths to restore us to Himself. When we have Jesus Christ, we have everything. Therefore, there is no reason to complain. There is no reason to not be content. By God’s grace and power, we can learn to be thankful (James 1:3) and learn to be content (Philippians 4:13) no matter what.

And because Jesus greatly sacrificed Himself for us, holding nothing back, we can sacrifice ourselves completely – inwardly and outwardly; mind, body, and soul; thoughts, attitudes, emotions, and actions – for Him. Why wouldn’t we want to? For the love of Christ transforms and compels us to live for God and others just the way He did. In sacrificing what we think we deserve or our preoccupation with our circumstances, we aren’t actually sacrificing anything at all. It is in giving up all the things that we tend to cling to that we will gain more than we could ever imagine. Our Savior gave up everything for us. He expects no less in return. "Give Him thanks then, that you have been counted worthy of His altars. Enter into the work with praise."

Love Fulfills the Law

One of the things that the Lord has been pressing upon my heart these last several weeks is how love fulfills His law (His perfect standard, requirements, and will). “Every sin is a failure in love” (Elyse Fitzpatrick, Because He Loves Me). No wonder Jesus can say that to love God with all one’s heart, soul, mind, and strength, and to love one’s neighbor as oneself sums up the entirety of God’s law (Matthew 22:34-40; cf. Matthew 7:12). He said these were were the greatest commandment. The Apostle Paul says the same thing:

Owe no one anything, except to love each other, for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law. For the commandments, “You shall not commit adultery, You shall not murder, You shall not steal, You shall not covet,” and any other commandment, are summed up in this word: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” Love does no wrong to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfilling of the law. Romans 13:8-10

And again:

For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” Galatians 5:13-14

This is incredibly hard for us. We love God and others far from perfectly. We tend to focus on our own little kingdoms and put our own desires, preferences, and needs before those of others. We are selfish to the core and selfish people don’t love others perfectly  (which is what God requires of us), no matter how hard we may try or desire. Which means – and this is the bad news – we constantly break God’s standard, storing up for ourselves His just wrath (Romans 2:5; John 3:36).

But, thankfully, there is good news. There is a remedy available purchased by God Himself. The Bible says He is love (1 John 4:8), and He showed His great love for us “in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8). Jesus came to earth to live the perfectly life that we could not. He loved and served God perfectly and He loved and served others perfectly. He always put the needs of others before His own, so much so that He willingly gave His life to save people from sin and death and eternal punishment (which the Christian world will be celebrating next Sunday). Jesus Christ fulfilled the righteous requirement of the law, so that those of us who follow Him would have His perfect record of loving others credited to us (Romans 8:4). He loved God and others perfectly for us.

Now He commands us to imitate Him. He calls us to love as He loved (John 13:34). And how did He love? He loved sacrificially, humbling, and to the uttermost.

Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus,who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Romans 2:3-8

This is a high calling. But we are not to try to do it on our own. Those who know and love God have His Spirit in them, which gives them the desire and ability to obey His commands (Romans 8:9; Philippians 2:13). And this love that we display for God by loving others is an overflow of the work He has already done for and in us. We can love and serve others, we can consider their interests above our own, exactly because we have been loved, forgiven, adopted, accepted, and given a hope and future in Jesus Christ. We are secure in Him, so we have no need to be jealous or strive to make our name great or defend our reputation or fear rejection or failure because in Christ we have a new name, a new identity, an eternal home, and we have been forever accepted by God. This is what every human heart longs for ultimately – acceptance/belongingness, security, and purpose. If you are in Christ, you have all of those things and more (see Ephesians 1:3).

What does this look like? It varies depending on where you are and what you are doing on a daily basis, but at the bare-bones level, it simply means serving others, treating others the way you want to be treated (Matthew 7:12). One practical example, one in which I failed out, comes to mind. As the Lord was starting to bring all the above to my mind, He used a concrete example to burn it into my mind. I was driving to work one day and saw someone’s garbage can in the middle of the opposing lane. It was a windy day and the wind had rolled it out onto the road. I watched as cars swerved to go around it. Later, on my way home from work, the trash can was still in the road – this time in my lane. I watched as the two cars in front of me swerved to go around it. The thought “came” to me that I should pull over and move the trash can to the side of the road. I thought about it, but when the moment came, I drove around it instead. As I pondered my decision, I asked myself, “Is it okay that I didn’t move that trash can out of the way? Was it my responsibility to?” Then the Lord’s words came rushing to my mind about loving one’s neighbor and doing good to one’s neighbor, which fulfills the law. The question isn’t, “Is it my responsibility?”, but, “What is the most loving action here?” To which the answer would of course be: pull over and pick up the trash can.

Before ending, I would also like to point out that loving others is proof that we belong to God. If someone claims to know Christ, to be a Christian, and doesn’t show love to others (not perfectly, of course, but consistently), then it is questionable if he or she knows Christ at all. At least that is what the Apostle John says:

By this it is evident who are the children of God, and who are the children of the devil: whoever does not practice righteousness is not of God, nor is the one who does not love his brother. 1 John 3:10

Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. 1 John 4:8

If anyone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen. 1 John 4:20

As our word grows colder and more selfish and loveless, the words of Christ will seem even truer:

By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” John 13:35

The world will know that we are Christians by our love for one another. Thank God for His great love displayed most potently in the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ! Take this week before Easter Sunday to meditate on this demonstration of God's great love (John 3:16).

One Thing is Necessary

It has been a very busy season of life (evidenced by my significant lack of posts). I truly believe I am doing the things that the Lord wants me to do, but I have been tired and spent and struggling to trust the goodness of Christ, struggling to "fight the good fight of faith" (1 Timothy 6:12).

When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul. Psalm 94:19

It has also been an emotionally hard season of life. There are so many things going on that it’s hard to keep my focus on the One Thing that is necessary (Luke 10:42; Psalm 27:4). And because of that, I have been a wreck on the inside. One minute I am excited and happy about all that God is doing (I mean, I am getting married :), and the next minute I’m fighting tears and feel that my heart is breaking with all the burdens and grief that this past year as brought. It’s a rollercoaster of emotions to say the least.

Father’s Day and Dad’s birthday have come and gone, and I have been missing my dad a lot. It feels like I'm losing him all over again. I have been concerned for Mom and Kristi, wondering how they will fare without me (as if their well-being depended upon me). There are so many things to tend to and relationships to invest in – and the days are dwindling in which to do so. Then there is the spiritual warfare/oppression I’ve felt – like an invisible weight on my shoulders - and all the anxieties and fears and doubts about the future. I am usually ready to pack up and leave for wherever God is leading, but I've been dragging my heels just a bit. Maybe I’ve been trusting in comfort and familiarity in the midst of this past storm more than I realized. Or maybe that’s why they say not to make major life changes within the first year of losing someone…

As usual, I am learning to navigate these emotions and share them. While God has taught me much about being vulnerable with others and sharing my burdens with my brothers and sisters in Christ (Galatians 6:2), my natural tendency is to close up and withdraw, to put on my I’ve-got-it-together face and smile, and to ignore/suppress my feelings altogether (because, honestly, I don’t trust them). So I think I’ve regressed a little in that area and I’m having to re-learn the same lessons that God taught me these past few years.
But, as usual, Jesus met me in my struggles – in my pain and doubts and fears and circumstances. He has been showing me through His Word and through His people how much I have not been trusting Him and how I need to seek Him above all other things and how I need to cast my cares on Him (1 Peter 5:7; Matthew 11:28; Phil. 4:6-8). Two main ways He did that was through a Scripture passage in the Old Testament and through ReConnect at church.

The passage was 2 Chronicles 14:-15. It is the story of Asa, who was king of Judah. He was a faithful king who feared and served God. He took away all the pagan gods and commanded the people to seek and obey the one, true, and living God. And because he and the nation of Judah sought the Lord, the Lord gave them peace on every side. This was contrasted with the time period before when the nation did not seek God and had no peace at all. Furthermore, King Asa was humbly dependent upon the Lord when they were being attacked by their enemies and the Lord rewarded him by fighting for the nation of Judah and delivering them. As the I read this, the Lord pressed upon me the need to seek Him above all that is going on. He revealed to me that I didn’t have peace because I wasn’t looking to Him and depending upon Him. Instead, I was consumed with my circumstances, trying to handle everything on my own. One Thing was necessary – I needed turn my focus to the Lord. Only then would I have peace (Isaiah 26:3-4).

Then a few days later we had ReConnect at Rolling Fields (a special service we have when there is a 5th Sunday). Pastor Andy led us in a study of Psalm 22. We read through the psalm, noting the emotions that David felt and how he was focused on his circumstances, how  he would then turn his focus to the Lord and remember His faithfulness, only to switch back to focusing on his circumstances again (looks like he was on a roller coaster like me). He ended the psalm by re-directing and setting his gaze on the Lord and choosing to praise His name even though his circumstances had not changed. He remembered that God was working in his troubles for a purpose that he could not yet see, and He remembered that he had a responsibility to share God’s goodness and truth with others. He remembered that making God known among the nations was the aim. I needed to remember that too.

So I've been continually giving my cares to the Lord and slowly sharing them with others. And the Lord has been giving me His peace that surpassing all understanding (Philippians 4:6-8). The circumstances haven't really changed, but God has re-directed my focus. He is bigger than my circumstances. He is sovereign over my circumstances. And He has already gone before me into the future to work all of these things out for my good and His glory (Romans 8:28). There is no God like Him.

Therefore, preparing your minds for action, and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. 1 Peter 1:13

Where to Set Your Hope

And now, O Lord, for what do I wait?
My hope is in you. Psalm 39:7

It has been about 10 years since I sensed God calling me to serve Him overseas. Yet here I am still in the United States, learning much, being further prepared and refined, waiting to be deployed. After struggling with the idea of leaving my family and the familiarity and comfort of life in Southeast Missouri (not to mention the United States) and talking to my pastor and telling my parents, I surrendered to the Lord’s beckoning and began to seek Him for the next step. My reluctance quickly changed to eagerness to pack up and go. But that wasn’t the next step that God had for me. I mean, I was to pack up and go, but it wasn’t to go to a foreign country; it was to move to Louisville, Kentucky, for further schooling. I didn’t know it at the time, but I had a lot to learn (and unlearn). So the Lord led me to Louisville to study at Southern Seminary and, as much as I wanted to be done with school, I absolutely loved my time at Southern.

When I graduated 3 years ago (where does the time go?!), I thought, “Finally. It’s time to go.” So I started the application process to serve abroad. Yet here I am still in Louisville, Kentucky. I still had (have) much to learn (and relearn), but this time the lessons came outside of a formal education. The classroom this time was life and Jesus walked (and carried) me through some of the most difficult years of my life in order to humble me and test me; to teach me to hunger for Him and depend on Him and feed from His Word (Deuteronomy 8:2-5).

Looking back, I can see the Lord's great wisdom and kindness in keeping me in the States as He has. There is no doubt that I am where I am supposed to be in this moment. For how long, I do not know, but the Lord continues to tell me to wait. And so that is what I will do until I receive my marching orders. Even though just a few months ago, I thought I might be leaving soon, God has made it clear that that is not the plan for the immediate future. There are several things happening in my life that make it clear that I should wait: my mom's health, my sister's engagement, something else (or should I say someone) that has entered my life...

Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12

So why I am rambling about and recounting all this? It’s because it is so easy to shift my hope, my aim, as I seek to follow the Lord and be obedient to what I believe He has called me to. It’s so easy to place my hope in the plan He may have for me or in circumstances or in relationships or in whatever I think God may be doing instead of in God Himself. But the truth is every single other thing will disappoint. Every single one. People disappoint. Ministry is hard. Plans get derailed. Circumstances change. But Christ is a sure foundation and hope. He will never disappoint. Sure, those who long for His coming may feel the reality of the proverb above, but they are still assured that it will be realized. Every other hope that is deferred will make our heart sick, but also sad and given to despair because all hope apart from Christ is not guaranteed.

The Lord has been reminding me of this lately. I can become so discontent with my job as I greatly desire to be in full-time ministry. I can become so frustrated with all the seemingly endless roadblocks to going overseas. I can become so weary in trusting God for direction. I can become so faint in praying and believing for my mom’s healing. I can become so impatient in waiting for things to unfold. But none of those things are the ultimate foundation and end goal of my hope (though I lose sight of that at times). I am not to pin my hope on full-time ministry or serving God overseas or in the prospect of marriage. None of which are bad desires in and of themselves, but they all point to something greater. The fulfillment of them can satisfy for a time. They may add to the tree of life mentioned in the proverb above, but they are not the tree of life. They do not give life; only Christ does that. He IS life. In the Christian life, Hope is a Person and His name is Jesus Christ. The Apostle Peter tells us believers to set our hope fully on Christ (1 Peter 1:13). He alone can satisfy completely and endlessly. Ministry and overseas service and marriage find their meaning and purpose and aim in Him. “For from Him and to Him and through Him are all things” (Romans 11:36).

So the verse I started this post with rings true. “And now, O Lord, for what do I wait?” In actuality I am waiting on a lot: direction, clarity, confirmation, my mom’s healing, fruit in ministry, Jesus’ return/going to be with Him…But what I’m waiting on doesn’t really matter ultimately. God is working out all the details of fulfillment when it comes to those things. And as I wait for Him to act instead of looking to the circumstances themselves, He promises to give me strength (Psalm 40:31). So then what am I really waiting for? Because “my hope is in You.” I need not wait on them, but on Him. These other things pale in comparison to knowing Jesus and being known my Him. It’s hard to keep that truth central and my focus where it should be, but this should be the aim and foundation of my life and I pray continually that it is. 

Whom have I in heaven but you?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. Psalm 73:25

Jesus, make this true of me.

Two things: My mom is visiting me and my sister for a week!

Also, today marks the 6th month since my dad’s passing. If you don’t mind, please say a quick prayer for me and my family. 

“Ears You Have Dug for Me”

This world is broken. I hear/read about it every day. I experience it in ministry. I see it in my own heart. The world is broken. People are broken. I am broken.

I am broken and I have been broken (Hosea 6:1). The Lord has done a lot in my life over the last three years to bring me to where I am now. Even though I would not want to relive the heartaches, pains, and disappointments of the last few years, I wouldn’t trade the lessons for anything. God knows the best way to get the attention of each of His children. Out of a heart of compassion and mercy, He sometimes allows His people to experience suffering and difficult times to refine them, increase their faith, and reveal even more of Himself to them. These have been some of the results I have seen in my own life.

It is good for me that I was afflicted,
that I might learn your statutes…
If your law had not been my delight,
I would have perished in my affliction. Psalm 119:71, 92

I noticed during my time in South Asia, as I was teaching ESL to Muslims who opposed the truth of Christ, that the Lord was deepening my faith in His Word. It was an inner strength I could feel building within me as I defended God’s Truth and based my life on His Word. This conviction only deepened during the hardships I later faced and I have seen the mercy of God use it to give me a boldness and firmness when sharing the gospel that I had never had before. I believe this firmness and boldness is a direct result of all that God has allowed me to go through recently. It is a result of being forced to depend on God for everything; of realizing that I am not self-sufficient and that I need Him for everything – truths I knew mentally but wasn’t living out in my day-to-day life. But one of God’s many graces is that He does not let us live in self-deception; believing the lie that we are okay the way we are. He brings our sins to the forefront so that we might turn from them and experience more of the “abundant life” that He offers us in Christ (John 10:10). This abundant life does not necessarily mean a life of material things or comfort and ease, but one that is living in intimate communion with the Lord of the universe—Jesus Christ. He is Life and Freedom and Joy and the source of every good thing (James 1:17). And the way to know Him intimately is through His Word, the Bible.

Your words were found, and I ate them,
and your words became to me a joy
and the delight of my heart,
for I am called by your name,
O Lord, God of hosts. Jeremiah 15:16

And so through my time in South Asia and recent trials, the words of God have become to me a joy and the delight of my heart – just as the Prophet Jeremiah said above. I love God’s Word. It is the primary way in which God speaks to me and it is the foundation of all I do and believe. It is the only absolute truth (1 Peter 1:24-25) and tells us all we need to know about God, ourselves, our world, and how we can be saved from the punishment we deserve (2 Timothy 3:16-17). The Word of God is food for my soul; indeed, it is more important than the food I eat. I can go longer without food than without Scripture. My soul begins to shrivel rather quickly if I go more than one day without feasting on God’s Word.

And he humbled you and let you hunger and fed you with manna, which you did not know, nor did your fathers know, that he might make you know that man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. Deuteronomy 8:3

But feeding on God’s Word does not happen by accident. It takes intentionality and discipline. It also take the help of the Lord (remember: we are dependent upon Him for everything). He gives us the desire and will. He – as the psalmist says – opens our ear to hear and understand His Word (Psalm 40:6; also Job 33:16). Literally in the Hebrew the phrase “open ear” means “ears you have dug for me.” I like that imagery. Sometimes God’s digs ears for us through affliction (like Psalm 119:71 above) or trials or other circumstances. We may have physical ears, but Jesus has to give us spiritual ears so that we can hear His voice, understand His words – ears trained to contain His truth and long for His truth. That is why I think the imagery of digging works so well. Our spiritual ears must be opened and dug deep to contain the greatness of God’s Word. I guess God could just open our ears in an instant…but I doubt we would treasure His Word so much without the journey it takes to make us depend upon and treasure His Word. We (or maybe it’s just me) usually don’t learn the lesson of dependence easily.

So this year I have decided to read through the Bible using a chronological reading plan. I also plan to study the book of Psalms in depth (because I need more than just four chapters a day). I encourage you to make a plan for reading the Bible this year as well if you haven’t already. It’s only January 19th, so it’s not too late to start. You won’t regret it. I promise. :)

Grace upon Grace

For from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace. – John 1:16

God is a very gracious God. He longs to show people grace. He does not delight in the death of the wicked and He desires for all people to know Him. Once a person becomes a believer, God’s grace toward them continues. His grace is displayed throughout our salvation, justification, sanctification, and then, finally, our glorification. There is no part of the Christian walk that God’s grace does not cover. John Piper says that God’s glory is most shown through His display of free grace. And if we pay attention, His grace is at work all around us. He is constantly wooing, disciplining, teaching, warning, and guiding because of His grace. As I have considered the past few months, there are two clear ways I have seen the grace and kindness of God displayed.

The first is the grace of God displayed in my dad’s life. Dad would have been the first to tell you that he backslid in his walk with the Lord. He wasn’t were he once was with God. The cares of this world, his flesh, and other things had distracted him from his first love. He was still a believer, but he wasn’t walking in the fullness of God. He was more or less going through the motions. This went on for many years. He still had a yearning for Christ, but I think there was some kind of disconnect, like he was lost in his circumstances. But God is a gracious God and He never loses one of His own. He will draw His people back to him in one way or another. Last summer (2012), my dad rededicated himself to the Lord. He began reading his Bible more, spending more time with the Lord, telling others about Christ – in short, cultivating his relationship with the Lord. And the Lord promises that those who draw near to Him, He will likewise draw near to (James 4:8). God started speaking to him and showing him things. My dad felt very close to the Lord and he was very excited about it. This is grace. It was very kind of God to draw my dad back to him in the last year of his life. God didn’t have to do this, but He chose to, and I praise Him for that.

I, on the other hand, wondered why God was showing Dad things and what-not when he still wasn’t going to church or doing such and such. I was praying about that one day and the Lord said, “It’s because I love him.” Of course! Yes ,we should persevere in the spiritual disciplines – Bible reading, fasting, praying, fellowship with other believers (primarily expressed through attending a local church body), giving, evangelism, etc. – but they do not save us. They don’t make God love us any more or any less. They do not earn us more favor with Him and God does not require that we do them all or do them perfectly in order for Him to bless us with His presence. Jesus loves to show us His love. He loves to pour out on His people grace upon grace. I saw Him do that in my dad. Jesus was so kind to draw my dad back to Him during his final months, delighting my dad with His presence. And the effect on my dad was evident: he became more humble, he started tithing and giving more, he rediscovered what was truly important, and he was quick to apologize and ask for forgiveness (which he rarely did before). That’s what happens when you meet with Jesus. He changes you. You cannot meet with Jesus and not be changed.

As I considered these things, I realized that God drew my dad back to Him and allowed him to suffer like he did because He was preparing Dad for glory. The Apostle Paul says that “through many tribulations we much enter the kingdom of God” (Acts 14:22). Jesus was refining my dad for eternity, for perfect fellowship with his Creator, for seeing Him face-to-face. Jesus was making him “fit” for glory. And even though my dad suffered a great deal, his suffering does not compare to the glory that is now revealed to him (Romans 8:18). He is currently experiencing God’s grace in all of its fullness. And that, my friends, is God’s grace at its peak.

The second way I have seen the grace of God lately is in my own personal walk with Him. Granted, He pours out His grace on me daily in undeserved measure, but I have been keenly aware of “the riches of His grace in kindness” (Ephesians 2:7) compared to the coldness of my apathetic and weary heart. Last weekend (December 1st), even though I wasn’t spending the time in the Bible I normally do and I was having short devotions and even though I was distracted, tired, and apathetic, God still met me in a powerful way at Meadow Heights. He allowed me to sense His presence. He gave me His peace and joy. And He met me powerfully with His Word through a sermon that met me right where I was. The sermon was on Lamentations 3:20-26, which “happened” to be the exact verses in my devotional reading that morning from Jesus Calling. Several of the points in the sermon were exactly what I had been thinking about the day before (.e. there is a better Day coming). I was so surprised but also overjoyed that the Lord met me in this way. And it was not because I deserved it or earned it. I had been going through the motions through most of the previous week and had not been putting much effort into seeking God. And even though that is a horrible thing to do because Jesus is so precious and lovely and worthy and even though I had to repent of such an apathetic attitude, God did not draw away from me. He gave me exactly what I needed to jump-start my failing heart: Himself. Of course, we should seek God above all else, making our relationship with Him our top priority…but we don’t do these things perfectly nor do these things make God love us any more or less. He loves to display His love. He loves to pour out upon us grace upon grace. When our sin abounds, His grace abounds all the more (Romans 5:20). This does not mean that we should not strive for holiness and obedience. The Apostle Paul was clear about that (Romans 6:1-2)! But it does mean that God is bigger than our disobedience and sin and apathy and backsliding. There is nothing than can separate us from His love. Nothing.

For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39

Overwhelmed - in a good way

I am saying this not because of what He has done and does for me (though He is very amazing in that) or because life is “going my way” right now (because, frankly, it’s not as far as circumstances go), but because Jesus is amazing in His essence, in who He is, in His many perfections. When I asked the Father to give me a fresh vision of Jesus, He didn’t change my circumstances or take the pain away, but instead reminded me of who Jesus is and of all that I have in Him (Ephesians 1:3-14).

Dictionary definition of amazing:  “to overwhelm with surprise or sudden wonder; astonish greatly.”

Everything about Jesus Christ is more than I (we) could ever ask for or imagine (Ephesians 3:20). His goodness is beyond my comprehension. His love His greater than I could dare to hope. His mercy is unfailing and His faithfulness is more sure than the sun’s appearance tomorrow morning. He is full of compassion and mercy, which the Bibles says will never fail (Lamentations 3:22-23). His grace is inexhaustible (thanks to Pastor Andy for that reminder) and sufficient for my every need and beyond (2 Corinthians 12:9).

As the Lord removed the scales from my eyes so I could see Him more clearly, He especially reminded me of these three things: His power, His presence, and His patience. (3 P’s – you like that?) The power of Jesus Christ is unlimited and cannot be thwarted. No one can stay His hand or can call Him into account (Daniel 4:35). He has conquered death and Satan and sin and one day soon His rule will be dominant and visible to all (Isaiah 9:7; Philippians 2:9-11). His very word can dissolve mountains and subdue kingdoms and bring the dead to life. Jesus Christ is the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and End of all things (Romans 11:36; Ephesians 1:16; Revelation 22:13). And He is in control of all things and infuses every single event with purpose and meaning. He has the power to make something out of nothing and bring beauty out of ashes. He is able to make all things to work together for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28). With such a God as this, there is no need to fear or worry or be anxious or hopeless…ever.

And, yet, Jesus is very personal. He knows me better than I know myself. In fact, He knew me and chose me before He created time and space and the world we know (Ephesians 1:3-4). He planned every one of my days before there was even one of them (Psalm 139:16). He is near to all who call upon Him (Psalm 145:18). So near, in fact, that He chooses to dwell within them (Ephesians 3:17; Colossians 1:27). His presence is constant; there is no place I can go to escape Him (Psalm 139:7-12). He is intimately and meticulously involved in the details of our lives (no matter how trivial or mundane or horrendous they may seem), working in them His particular purposes (though we cannot always perceive Him) with the goal of drawing us to Himself. In His great mercy and compassion, Jesus meets us in our grief and brokenness and rebellion. He enters our darkness to bring us to light. He walks with us through the valleys and sustains us in the wilderness. What we need is what He is (in His essence): Comforter, Healer, Savior, Guide, Rest, Restorer, Redeemer, Protector, Provider, King, etc. He is the I AM (Exodus 3:14). He is the fullness of all things and from that fullness we, who are believers, receive grace in ever-increasing measure (John 1:16). With such a God as this, we will never be alone or forsaken or in want...ever.

And when we seek Him, when we long to know Him, when we cry out to Him, Jesus reveals Himself to us (Jeremiah 29:13). He is always ready to respond and receive and forgive over and over and over again; no matter how many times we mess up or wander off or forget who He is and what He has done. Jesus is very, very patient (Exodus, 34:6; Isaiah 30:18; 2 Peter 3:9). And in His patience, when I was forgetful of His goodness and ungrateful and losing sight of hope, He reminded me of who He was. He did not treat me as I deserved, but gently led me back to Himself. With such a God as this, we should never be afraid to return to Him or run to Him for help. He will never cast us off...ever.

These meditations are an overflow of two things: an answer to prayer and time in the Word. I had asked God to give me a renewed vision of Christ and He, in His kindness, did so by meeting me very sweetly and most preciously through His Word. God’s Word, the Bible, reveals Jesus to us. It has transforming power to remove strongholds, to open blind or veiled eyes, to soften hardened hearts, to melt away fear, and to bring rest and restoration (Hebrews 4:12). It has this power because the Scriptures are the very words of God, and, therefore, they are life and bring life (John 6:63). God’s Word reveals Jesus to us because Jesus is the Word made flesh (John 1:14). Every single promise of God found in the Bible finds its fulfillment in Jesus Christ (2 Corinthians 1:20).

And all of this is just a taste of what’s to come. One day the glory and knowledge of the Lord will cover the whole earth and all we see Him for who He is (Habakkuk 2:14; 1 John 3:2; Revelation 1:7). There will be no more distractions or confusion or brokenness. It will just be HIM in all of His fulness dwelling in the midst of His people (those who treasure Him now and are longing for His return).

It will be said on that day,
“Behold, this is our God; we have waited for him, that he might save us.
This is the Lord; we have waited for him;
let us be glad and rejoice in his salvation.” Isaiah 25:9

Times of Refreshing

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance… Ecclesiastes 3:1-4

The past two weeks, the Lord has been incredibly kind to keep my schedule pretty clear so that I can spend extra time with Him. And, let me tell you, I needed this time. I mentioned in my previous post that the Lord kept reminding me of His presence. He was beckoning me to rest in His presence, which is what I knew I needed. There is healing in the presence of Jesus that can be found nowhere else. I had been really struggling in the weeks following my dead’s death to trust the Lord for His grace and goodness (Ephesians 3:20; Romans 8:28), to count it all joy (James 1:2), to be thankful in all things (Ephesians 5:20), and to keep my eyes on Jesus (Hebrews 12:2). My faith was small and my perspective skewed, but times of refreshing come in the presence of the Lord (Acts 3:20).

So sensing the prompting of the Lord and the urgency of His call to draw near to Him, I sat aside a few days last week to rest and be in the Word. The Lord was kind to add to those days and give me some more of them this week. God’s promises are true: His Word does not return void (Isaiah 55:11) and when you draw near to Him, He draws near to you (James 4:8), which is what happened. In a way that cannot be explained apart from His grace, the Lord adjusted my focus and attitude, renewed my hope, realigned my priorities, and healed my brokenness, giving me a clearer vision of Him just as I had asked. He drew me out of the muck and the mire that I found myself in and set my feet on the Rock, filling my mouth with praise (Psalm 40:1-3). Even though my circumstances didn’t change, Jesus Christ has given me His unexplainable peace and joy. The change was in me. Jesus always works from the inside out.

As the Lord gave me comfort and strength, I sensed Him gently telling me, “Okay. You’ve had your time. It’s time to move forward.” It was time for me to stop being withdrawn and to start being about His work again. This is not to say that my grieving is over or that there is no pain because that is not the case, but it is to say that I cannot stay where I was. There is a time for more concentrated mourning and processing, but you cannot stay there forever. That’s not healthy or beneficial for anyone. The call to move forward came at the perfect time (as always), as I was already supposed to resume teaching the kids at church that Sunday. And the healing the Lord brought in that week prepared and strengthen me to dive back into that role as well as make a few hospital visits and reconnect with friends over the weekend. The time has come for the things that have been on hold (ministry, my future) to move to the forefront of my thoughts, as they slowly have been doing. Serving overseas has been more and more on my mind, and I have been praying about mentoring with Scarlet Hope for most of the year, and I believe the Lord is leading me to take steps forward in both of these areas.

But involving myself in these things and other ways of serving the Lord does not take the place of my need to be in His presence. His call to move forward doesn't negate my need to be silent in His presence and seek His face. By no means!

Seek the Lord and his strength;

seek his presence continually! Psalm 105:4

I can only serve Jesus when I spend time in the presence of Jesus. He empowers me to do His work. I will never outgrow my dependence upon Him for rest and strength and guidance, etc. Spending time with Jesus Christ is always the better portion, which will never be taken away from His people (Luke 10:42). Furthermore, the Lord's presence is our aim as Christians (Revelation 21:3). His presence will be our portion forever!

Good People Don’t Go to Heaven

Good people don’t go to heaven. This truth has been bouncing around in my head for several weeks now. I realize it is a scandalous statement that goes against everything we believe as humans, especially humans living in the American culture, but, according to the Word of God, it is true. I cannot tell you the number of people who have told me in recent weeks that they are “good people” or that someone they know is a “good person” when talking to them about their status with God. And, by human and societal standards, I suppose they are good. In fact, I used to believe the very same thing about myself before Jesus saved me and showed me otherwise. God’s Word, however, tells us something very different:

As it is written:
“None is righteous, no, not one;
no one understands;
no one seeks for God.
All have turned aside; together they have become worthless;
no one does good,
not even one.” Romans 3:10-11 (cf. Psalm 14:1-3; 53:1-3)

No one is good except God alone. Mark 10:18; Luke 18:19

Whether doctor, factory worker, homemaker, strip-club dancer, or whatever, each one thinks, “I’m a good person.” And, sure, compared to somebody else, we might be “good,” but not compared to God. He is perfect. He is the definition of good. These two men say it well:

“The terrible condition of man’s heart will never be recognized by people who assess it only in relation to other people…our depravity is a condition in relation to God primarily, and only secondarily in relation to man. This is the great awakening that needs to happen for people to see the extent of their sin and the greatness of the Savior.” John Piper, “Whatever is Not from Faith is Sin – Really?”

We should not be surprised that the secular world confuses sinners and sociopaths, prison and hell. Christians, however, must understand the differences. One need not be a monster, by human definition, to go to hell. The sinfulness of “normal” humanity is quite enough for that. But there are monsters among us, and Ariel Castro’s crimes and his lack of moral understanding put him in that category as well.” Dr. Mohler’s blog post, “'‘I Am Not a Monster’ – Ariel Castro as Sinner and Sociopath”

God is the essence of perfection and so is His standard. He requires perfection. You don’t have to be a sociopath to be deserving of hell. You need only to be a sinner, and we all qualify for that. So where does that leave us? I haven’t met anyone who says they are perfect. Usually they say, “Well, I’m not perfect…” But that’s the standard and absolutely no one meets it. No one. We all offend God in more ways that we could ever realize and He requires those who offend Him to be punished. So what do we do? What can we do? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

We have all become like one who is unclean,
and all our righteous deeds are like a polluted garment.
We all fade like a leaf,
and our iniquities, like the wind, take us away. Isaiah 64:6

All of our righteous deeds, our good deeds – the ones we depend on to outweigh our bad deeds and make us right with God – these deeds are like dirty, soiled rags to God. They are worthless and they earn us nothing in His sight; nothing, that is, but death.

For there is no distinction: for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, Romans 3:23

For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 6:23

BUT. Did you notice the “but” in that last verse? We cannot do anything to make ourselves good, to make ourselves right with God, to save ourselves from His anger and fury. But God can. As Pastor Bryan said last week, “A good God came to be good for us.” He so loved the world that He gave His Son Jesus Christ to die for us, to take our punishment, so that whoever believes in Jesus will have eternal life (John 3:16). They are set free and declared not guilty. The perfect record of Jesus Christ, who obeyed God completely and loved others perfectly, becomes ours, and He becomes our sin and takes our punishment (2 Corinthians 5:21). This is how we become “good” in God’s sight. C.S. Lewis calls it “the great exchange.” You can spend your whole live serving others, but you won’t pay off the debt you owe to God. You can go to church every week, but that still won’t cut it. You can give all your money to the poor, but that won’t work either. You can be a very moral person, but it gets you nowhere. God sets the standard, and His standard is perfection. And He sets the terms, and the term is that we turn from our sins and believe in His Son Jesus Christ who loved us and gave His life for us so that we may live (Ephesians 5:2). There is no other name under heaven by which we can be saved (Acts 4:12). He is the only way. This is good news! This is a good God. This is how you can be good in God’s eyes. Repent and believe and be saved.

Where to Set Your Heart and Mind

As I have been reading the Bible and my daily devotional, I have noticed a reoccurring phrase: “set your heart/mind on…” (or its antithesis: set not your heart/mind on…). This has grabbed my attention every time because it is so easy to set my heart/mind on other things besides on where it needs to be, which is on Christ Jesus Himself. This is the verse that first grabbed my attention regarding this:

Put no trust in extortion;
set no vain hopes on robbery;
if riches increase, set not your heart on them. Psalm 62:10 ESV

Riches may increase, but we are not to set our hearts on them. We should be thankful for them and praise God for them, but we should not let them be our heart’s desire or let them consume us. But I think riches can be replaced with any other thing that we are tempted to set our hearts on. Money is not the only thing to trip us up. When things like material goods, positive/improving circumstances, relationships, respect/fame/honor, dating prospects, time off/vacations, children, ministry opportunities increase, we should not set our hearts on them.

But that’s no easy task. Our hearts are easily distracted and very prone to wander. Just in the past few days I have been battling this; this time in the form of medical help. My sister and I took my dad to his chemo treatment on Tuesday. He has been in unrelenting pain these past few weeks, so he told his doctor this when he saw him before the treatment. The doctor prescribed him a 12-hour pain medication to manage the pain with his other pain pills. We were pretty excited about this, but then the next day came when my dad took his first pill. He threw up the rest of the day (because it’s a 12-hour, time-released pill). My dad was (and still is) in complete misery and we were all very disappointed and discouraged. But the Lord brought the verse above to my mind, gently reminding me not to set my hope on medicine or doctors or anything else.  
So what does it even mean to set your heart or mind on something? Well, according to the always-handy Internet, this is the definition of these phrases:

“set your heart on” – to desire or greatly long for
“set your mind on” – to focus all your attention or pour all your energy into

So basically to set your mind/heart on something is to give it your full attention and affection and to make it the object of your desire. There is only one who deserves such devotion and His name is Jesus Christ. He is to be the focal point of our lives. We are to love Him with all of our heart, soul, mind, and strength (Mark 12:3). So it is no wonder that Scripture tells us what and what not to focus our heart and mind on.

And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well. Luke 12:29-31 NIV

Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. Colossians 3:2-4 ESV

For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. Romans 8:5 ESV

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 ESV

From that time Jesus began to show his disciples that he must go to Jerusalem and suffer many things from the elders and chief priests and scribes, and be killed, and on the third day be raised. And Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him, saying, “Far be it from you, Lord! This shall never happen to you.” But he turned and said to Peter, “Get behind me, Satan! You are a hindrance to me. For you are not setting your mind on the things of God, but on the things of man.” Matthew 16:21-23

Brothers, join in imitating me [the Apostle Paul], and keep your eyes on those who walk according to the example you have in us. For many, of whom I have often told you and now tell you even with tears, walk as enemies of the cross of Christ. Their end is destruction, their god is their belly, and they glory in their shame, with minds set on earthly things. Philippians 3:17-19

So set your mind and heart on the unseen, on heaven, on eternal things, which basically means we have to trust the Lord and take what He says in His Word as true over whatever we can see and hear and feel and sense. We have to remember that God’s ways are not our ways and His thoughts aren’t our thoughts (Isaiah 55:8), and trust that He is working all things to the good for us that are His (Romans 8:28). But who is sufficient for these things? God is. He gives us the strength and the faith and the desire to set on mind and heart on Him. Like Romans 8:5 says above, those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. The Holy Spirit helps us in this. He directs us and prompts us and rebukes us to keep us focused on the Lord Jesus, and we work with Him by filling our mind with Scripture and following His lead, instead of filling our hearts and minds with the influences of the world. And, not only that, but God promises to guard our hearts and minds in Jesus Christ as we place our focus and trust Him (Philippians 4:7). Where we set our hearts and minds is crucial. It is a matter of life and death, as each verse above demonstrates. The stakes are high and God is jealous to have all of your affection and attention. But He doesn't leave us on our own. He equips us and empowers us. He gives us all the resources we need to live the life He has called us to live. He even gives us Himself. So let's give Him all of us.

The Lord is Good to All

In the last post, I mentioned how the Lord has been teaching me about His goodness. It has been a very long and hard lesson, but one that has come to be very sweet. I think it’s really impossible to try to explain the goodness of the Lord or to even recount what He has been teaching me in this regard, but I would like to share even just a morsel of this deep truth that He has been showing me.

You are good and do good;
teach me your statutes. Psalm 119:68

The Lord confronted me last year with my disbelief in His goodness. I would not have actually admitted that I did not trust the Lord’s goodness, but my troubled thoughts and attitude revealed otherwise. It all started with a thought, a question, a doubt about the goodness of God (from the enemy no doubt). Instead of dismissing the lie immediately, however, I pondered it. I did not obey the Scripture about taking thoughts captive (2 Corinthians 10:5), and, as a result, allowed the thought to take root. The Lord, however, was quick to bring His Word. When I went to church that weekend, the sermon title was, “God is Good and Does Good,” from the psalm above. I was like, “Of course that is the message this weekend.” Then I started doing a study with a friend through Nancy Leigh DeMoss’s book, Lies Women Believe and the Truth that Sets Them Free, and the first lie she addressed in the book was, “God is not really good. If He were, He would…” Do you see the kindness (and goodness) of the Lord in this? He seen my struggle and sent His Truth speedily to meet me. I would like to say that that was the end of doubting His goodness, but it was only the beginning. Since that time, I have been tempted over and over to believe that the Lord is not good – or, at least,  that He is not good to me. And since that time, the Lord has continually convicted me, pursued me, and taken me deeper and deeper into the truth of His goodness.

I will rejoice in doing them good, and I will plant them in this land in faithfulness, with all my heart and all my soul. Jeremiah 32:41

The Lord’s goodness is a fundamental truth. It is important to believe that the Lord is both sovereign and good, and losing sight of one or the other makes for some pretty dark nights of the soul. Admittedly, there have been several times when I had considered walking away from everything, thinking that I just could not do this anymore. But you know what? The Lord never lets go of His own  (2 Timothy 2:13). Furthermore, where else would I go? Jesus Christ alone has the words of Life and Truth (John 6:68; 14:6). I have seen and experienced that there is no person or thing or belief system that satisfies and sustains and transforms and renews like He does. He is life (Colossians 3:4). So, recently, the Lord has brought to my attention that I should not even allow questioning His goodness to be an option (which sounds like a no brainer). Up until now that is exactly what I have been doing, but, instead, Jesus calls me to trust Him. And that’s exactly what it all comes down to, doesn’t it? Trust the Lord. Trust His Word. What He says is true, no matter how things look on the outside. And Scripture is clear that God alone is good. He not only does good (Psalm 119:68); He not only gives good (James 1:17), but He IS good.

And Jesus said to him, “Why do you call me good? No one is good except God alone. Mark 10:18

Goodness is intricate to God’s nature. [By the way, Jesus is not saying that He Himself is not good. He is pointing out that only God is innately good, so for Jesus to be called good means that He is equal with God, which, of course, He is.] The problem is that we define goodness based on our own ideologies and limited perspective. We want to know why tragic things happen and why our desires are not met. Why questions are not bad in and of themselves, but the truth is we don’t always get to know why. Answers are a privilege, not a right. So when answers don’t come, we are quick to blame God and question His character.

God is absolute righteousness, love, goodness, and justice. Most errors related to this issue [ascribing evil to God] occur because of our human tendency to impose an external standard–a human construction of goodness–upon God. But good does not so much define God as God defines good. – Dr. Mohler’s blog post, “The Goodness of God and the Reality of Evil”

I love that: good does not define God, but God defines good. Reading this was like an ah-ha moment for me. God is good and therefore He defines it, and He reveals what goodness is through His perfect and inerrant Word. Over and over again, the Bible says that, “The Lord is good, for His steadfast love endures forever” (Psalm 100:5; 106:1; 2 Chronicle 5:13; Ezra 3:11; Jeremiah 33:11, etc.). Scripture proclaims this truth over and over because we need to hear it over and over.

Oh, how abundant is your goodness,
which you have stored up for those who fear you
and worked for those who take refuge in you,
in the sight of the children of mankind!
In the cover of your presence you hide them. Psalm 31:19

The Lord brought this verse to my mind this week as I was pondering His goodness. I love the three ways the psalmist describes the goodness of Christ in this verse. First, he says that God’s goodness is abundant. It is not limited; it is infinite like God is. Furthermore, it is stored up for God’s people (notice the qualifier). This shows His intention to do His people good. Even when life is difficult, God has goodness stored up for us, which may or may not be poured out in this lifetime, but it will most definitely be revealed in full when Christ returns. Finally, God works out this goodness for His people (again, notice the qualifier – this promise is not for all people). This reminds me of Romans 8:28 where the Apostle Paul says that God works all things (both good and bad) together for good for those who love God and are chosen in Christ. So God is working out His goodness in the lives of those who have trusted in Christ. And His goodness is most gloriously displayed in the life and death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. God worked His goodness in the midst of gruesome and unspeakable events as Jesus Christ, the only perfect man to walk this earth, was betrayed, mistreated, beaten, mocked, falsely accused, misunderstood, slaughtered, and resurrected so that God could offer salvation to sinful human, among whom there is no one good, not even one (Romans 3:12). So God made His Son Jesus Christ (who is perfectly good and righteous) to be sin, so that in Christ we (who are unrighteousness and in whom no goodness is found) might become the righteousness of God. Indeed, Psalm 145:9 rings true: “The Lord is good to all, and His mercy is over all that He has made.”

One Day at a Time

During this past week or so the Lord has helped me regain perspective because, honestly, since the last post I had really been struggling. My thoughts were dark, my vision was limited, and my faith was wavering. God’s promises seemed to loom on the distant horizon far from reach. Roots of bitterness were starting to creep in and my heart was hardening, and I had not the strength to fight it. I knew what I needed to do – namely, focus on God, remember His promises, and be thankful – but I felt as if I was standing at a wall with no way over or around. I was stuck in the muck and the mire.

The Lord Jesus, however, is incredibly and infinitely gracious. He saw me struggling. He heard my whimpered prayers. He knew better than I did the depths of my sinful heart-attitude and the frailty of my faith. And He met me right where I was. He sent His Word and His people (often in combination) to pull me up out of the muck and mire and to set my feet upon the rock, which is Himself. I am always so amazed at how God in His sovereignty and wisdom sends me His Word at just the right time. One friend spoke the truth of John 9 to me (these things are happening "that the works of God might be displayed"). My pastor preached the sermon that I desperately needed to hear and exposed all the doubts and fears that were swimming in my heart. The radio (which I rarely listen to) played songs that pointedly addressed my circumstances and sin and weariness. Then there were the perfectly-timed texts filled with Scriptures that reminded me of the truths I had forgotten, and the people who God burdened to pray for me. These are all evidences of the love and care and provision and grace of Christ. He is faithful even when we are not. He is the perfect Groom who pursues His wayward Bride. He is the only Sovereign for whom nothing escapes His attention. He is the gentle Shepherd who never, ever loses one of His won. In sum, He is Perfection, and He is everything I need (and want!).

One of the things the Lord has been reminding me of is the truth that He gives me grace for Today. He doesn’t give me grace for tomorrow or any other time in the future, but for the day at hand. And, as I have been reminded by several people lately, He also doesn’t give grace for my imagination, and, lately, my imagination has been in overdrive. I am a planner by default, but for a while now I haven’t been able to plan much past the current day. I am in waiting mode in almost every area of my life – waiting for the next step, waiting for the next piece of news, waiting for the next set of test results. So my entire future seems to be just hanging in the balance. And, of course, I guess this is the way it always actually is (from the human perspective) because God alone knows the future and He alone establishes my steps, no matter how much I plan and think ahead. Life is always filled with uncertainties because we do not know what the next day, the next moment will bring. Oswald Chambers calls this living in "gracious uncertainty," and says it is a natural part of the spiritual life. We may have general ideas about what lies ahead, but we won’t actual know until the next moment happens. And isn’t this even what Jesus taught?

Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. Matthew 6:34

Yes. I am to live day by day. God’s grace is more than sufficient for today, and He lavishly gives me the daily grace and strength I need when I need it. Jesus Christ is the only certainty. Everything else may give way, but He alone is my hope and stay (as the old hymn goes). And the fact that I hate this state of limbo reveals that I am not trusting the provision of my heavenly Father. It reveals that I put too much trust and confidence in plans and planning, instead of placing all my trust in Christ alone. (This is not to say that plans and planning are bad because they are not and they have their place when they are rightly submitted to God).

And this leads me to another reminder from the Lord: I need to be disciplined in my thinking. As the Apostle Paul says, I need to take every thought captive to obey Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5). This means when I start thinking about a painful future without my dad or when I start to wonder how honoring my parents in their ill health meshes with moving permanently overseas or start creating a host of future scenarios and what-ifs, I need to stop the thought process, remember (or look it up) the truth found in God’s Word, and start thinking about the character of God and His unfailing promises.

Finally, through all of this and underpinning all other lessons is the constant and continual reminder that I can’t do this. I cannot do this. I have not the strength. I have not the stamina. I have not the faith. I have not the wisdom. The situations that the Lord has allowed into my life, the path that He has me on, I simply have no ability in and of myself to do or even face. I literally and desperately need the grace and strength of Jesus every single hour, evening single moment. I need His grace. I need His wisdom. I need His guidance. I need His Word. I need HIM. And the great thing is that I have Him. He is mine and He promises in His Word that His grace is sufficient for me, that He is my ever-present help, that He will strengthen me, that He is with me and in me, that He is for me, and that He delights to do me good and will do me good for the glory of His name. And, furthermore, when I am weak, He is very, very strong.

If My God is For Me...

You have kept count of my tossings;

put my tears in your bottle.

Are they not in your book?

Then my enemies will turn back

in the day when I call.

This I know, that God is for me. Psalm 56:8-9

I have been studying the Old Testament book of Jeremiah for several months now. Overall, it's a pretty grim book as the nation of Israel continually forsakes the one, true, and living God to do whatever her heart desires despite God's warnings. Throughout the book they experience discipline, destruction, and devastation. Then there come a few chapters near the middle of the book (chapters 29-33) where God promises to restore His people back to Himself and give them a new heart that will never forsake Him again. These hope-filled promises point toward the New Testament, to the coming of Christ. These chapters are in stark contrast to the surrounding ones that contain warnings of doom. The former has the favor of God and the latter doesn't. One contains "plans for a hope and future" (29:11), while the other promises plans for "harm and not for good" (21:10). Because of this study and because of things going on in my life, I have been pondering lately what it means for God to be for me. As the Scripture says above, He is for me. He is for every single person who has put their hope and trust in Jesus Christ. But what does that mean? There are many unfavorable circumstances in my life that would indicate that Jesus is not for me. The enemy has been whispering in my ear that it makes no difference for God to be for me, to have Him on my side. Just look at my life. My dad has terminal cancer. My mom just had the umpteenth surgery on her foot. My car wouldn't start last Thursday and I have been without a vehicle since (though, thankfully, I got a call today from the mechanic saying it's fixed). Bad news seems to lurk around every corner, so how is God for me? The evidence seems to point otherwise.

But the evidence doesn't always tell the whole truth. Yes, these things are happening and, yes, they are less than desirable, but there are unseen things transacting in the midst of these events that aren't so easy to discern (hence, unseen - 2 Corinthians 4:16-18). But God's Word reveals the unseen. This is where I learn how God is for me. This is where I go to learn how to think rightly about these things. This is where I go to reset my focus - away from my circumstances and toward my Savior (Hebrews 12:1-2).

Before I dive into how Scripture says God is for me, let's look first at what it means for God to be against me. In truth, we are all natural-born enemies of God. No one does good; no, not one. No one seeks after God. Everyone has sinned and fallen short of His glory. This is what Romans chapter three tells us. We are rebels. We are enemies of God and, therefore, He is against us. His wrath is upon us (John 3:36). We are separated from God and all of His goodness (Ephesians 2:12). In fact, God is working for our harm and not for our good (Jeremiah 21:10). Unless we repent of our sins and trust in Christ, this is our grim state. This is our indictment and it continues to be so for all eternity for those who don't trust in Jesus Christ. That is what hell is: it is an eternal state of separation from God and His goodness where you forever experience the full force of His wrath and fury.

Behold, I am against you, O proud one,

declares the Lord God of hosts,

for your day has come,

the time when I will punish you. Jeremiah 50:31

That used to be true of me, but it's not anymore. God saved me through His Son Jesus Christ twelve years ago. Because of Christ, God is no longer against me. I have been reconciled to Him. So here is a small listing of what it means for God to be for me:

• It means that I am no longer God's enemy. I am now His daughter. 1 John 3:1
• It means that God has done all that is required for me to know Him. He has given me the righteousness He requires and forgiven me through the death of His own Son. I am no longer guilty of my sin because Christ paid it for me and I no longer have to perfectly keep God's Law because Jesus kept it perfectly for me. Romans 4:1-12 (also see Pastor Andy's sermon, "A Call to Believe and Rest")
• It means that I am free from sin. I no longer have to sin; I now have a choice. I am now free to obey God. Romans 6; Galatians 5:1
• It means that God will provide all my needs according to His glories riches in Christ Jesus (which He more than proved to me while I've been without a vehicle). He will even give me my heart's desire (because He conforms it to His own). Philippians 4:19; Matthew 6:33; Psalm 37:4
• It means that He has a hope and a future for me; that I have a purpose; that He has planned good for me and not evil; that no matter what happens in my life, God is working in each circumstance for my ultimate good and His glory. The Lord is so powerful that He can take even the most horrible situation and bring good out of it. Think about the cross. Jesus Christ, the only perfect human to ever live, the one who obeyed God's holy law perfectly, the one who loved God and people completely and perfectly, the one who never sinned and only good was found in Him, this Perfect One was betrayed, spit upon, mocked, brutally whipped and beaten, and then nailed to a cross. That is not good in and of itself, but God ordained this to happen so that He could punish this Perfect One for the sins of His people, to satisfy His holy justice and anger, so that He could save a people for Himself. Now that is very good! He works everything for the good of those who love them and are called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28; Jeremiah 29:11

These are just some of the ways that God is for for me. I would like to say that I live perfectly in this truth, but I don't. I often forget who my God is and who I am in Him. I often lose sight of His promises and His goodness and choose to wallow in self-pity and bitterness as I see my life crumbling around me. But you know what? Even then God is for me. Even then He gently shows me my sin and calls me back to Him. Even then He never leaves me. That's grace. That's the God of the Bible. He is forever for His people. 

What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? Romans 8:31

Contentment & Rest

Contentment – it’s one of those words that, like humility, seems elusive and almost impossible to attain. And it is - apart from Christ. Contentment is also not something that just naturally happens to us or that can be learned easily. No. In my limited experience, contentment is a long, hard lesson that is forged in the refining trials designed by an all-wise and perfect teacher, Jesus Christ. He is contentment.

I have been reflecting on what the Lord has been doing in my life these past two years and this word keeps coming to mind. I believe that was the theme and one of the primary lessons of 2012 (after coming out of 2011, which was a year of brokenness) in almost every area of my life: contentment with the car I drive, with my job, with staying in Louisville, in my singleness, in my circumstances, and with the things God was calling me to do that weren’t necessarily in my plans. Now that’s not to say that I don’t still desire that some of these things were different or that I have “arrived” at some sort of perfect state of contentment, but it is to say that the Lord has done such a work in my heart and life to make me satisfied in where He has me. Contentment, like so many other things, is a gift that God so graciously lavishes on His children.

I rejoiced in the Lord greatly that now at length you have revived your concern for me. You were indeed concerned for me, but you had no opportunity. Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me. Philippians 4:10-13

So this is where God has me and it is good. During this time, He has allowed me to build strong friendships, be a part of an amazing church body and ministry, live with my sister (again), and soak up His Word through sermons and conferences and Bible studies. For these things I am very thankful. Indeed, the lines have fallen for me in pleasant places (Psalm 16:6). It’s only by His strength that I can be content in the things that I would not choose for myself.

In addition/connection (maybe they’re supposed to go together; I don’t know) to this, the Lord has been growing my internal joy and satisfaction in Him. He has been showering me with evidences of His grace. He has been lifting the burdens from my shoulders. He has been turning my sorrow into gladness. And it’s not because my circumstances have changed because, for the most part, they haven’t. There are still some pretty painful realities that I have to deal with, but He has reset my focus to focus on Him who is invisible (Hebrews 11:27), to focus on eternal things instead of things that are temporary (2 Corinthians 4:16-18). He has been so kind to do that. It’s only by His strength that I can keep a proper perspective when circumstances can be so brutal.

One of the sweetest evidences of these things is that God has filled my heart with praise. He has given me a new song (Psalm 40:3). Now I usually have some type of song to the Lord running through my mind, but this is different. Now I am singing out loud. I didn’t realize how much I had not been vocally singing (besides at church) until I was driving to Missouri a few weeks ago. I started singing with the CD I was listening to and realized that I hadn’t heard my voice like that in quite a while. Another sweet evidence is the amount of laughter the Lord has allowed into my life these past few weeks. I mean, for real, I haven’t laughed this much in such a long time (which is a shame because I love to laugh!). Both of these things are evidences of God’s grace. They are both much welcomed gifts from Him after experiencing such painful and difficult things. And part of me (sinfully) fears that they won’t last long, fears that I will return very soon to the dark valley I’ve been is for so, so long.

The Lord convicted me of this fear during the Scarlet Hope Retreat this past weekend. He showed me that I was not expecting Him to do good things or, at least, afraid to hope for good things. But God is a God of good intentions and purposes and plans and gifts (Jeremiah 29:11; Romans 8:28; Ephesians 3:20). He is good and He does good is what the Psalmist says (119:68). In fact, the Bible says that He rewards those who seek Him (Hebrews 11:6). He rewards us with Himself (Jeremiah 29:12-14). So do you see how sinful it is to fear what God has in store for me? Forgive me, Father, and help my unbelief.
 
At the retreat, the Lord was so kind to give me rest. Not physical rest, because I really didn’t sleep that great, but something even better than sleep (which is pretty great) – rest in Him. Jesus Christ is Rest (as my pastor preached on Sunday). He gave me rest in His Word and in His presence. As we worshiped through song and prayer, the Lord was so gracious to overwhelm me with His presence. Something He hasn’t done in quite a long time. I’ve missed experiencing His presence in that way so much!

       One thing have I asked of the LORD,
        that will I seek after:
    that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
        all the days of my life,
    to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
        and to inquire in his temple.
    For he will hide me in his shelter
        in the day of trouble;
    he will conceal me under the cover of his tent;
        he will lift me high upon a rock.
    And now my head shall be lifted up
        above my enemies all around me,
    and I will offer in his tent
        sacrifices with shouts of joy;
    I will sing and make melody to the LORD.
    Hear, O LORD, when I cry aloud;
        be gracious to me and answer me!
    You have said, “Seek my face.”
    My heart says to you,
        “Your face, LORD, do I seek.”
   Give me not up to the will of my adversaries;
        for false witnesses have risen against me,
        and they breathe out violence.
    I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD
        in the land of the living!
    Wait for the LORD;
        be strong, and let your heart take courage;
        wait for the LORD! Psalm 27:4-8, 13-14