The Performer

The Lord has been slowly exposing some deep-rooted sins over the past few months. Trials seem to bring those kinds of things to the surface.

The Father first starting bringing this particular sin to light in late August as I was listening to a Meadow Heights sermon about emotional baggage. The sermon focused on three types of people: The Poser, The Performer, and The Clinger. Each type believed specific lies that fueled them to basically act how their titles described.

I immediately knew which one I was: The Performer. I resonate with the feeling that I am not good enough. Almost every day I feel that I don’t measure up, that I constantly fall short. And, in truth, we all fall short. The Bible is clear that every single person does not and cannot measure up to God’s perfect standard. We repeatedly fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). But if you don’t look to the gospel when you realize/notice/feel like you’ve fallen short, you have no hope and you, therefore, begin placing hope in other things and/or people. And hope that is built on anything other than Christ will always disappoint, will always fail.

In saying I am a performer, I do not mean that I am not genuine or that I’m not the same person at church as I am at home or work or elsewhere. I think, or at least hope, that I am. But it is to say that I sometimes hide my feelings and pretend I have it all together. You may never know that I feel that I don't measure up, but I do. I feel this incredible pressure to be the perfect wife (a pressure that I put on myself and that has by no means been projected onto me by my husband in any way), even though I know there is no such thing. I feel pressure to know the answers to whatever questions may be asked of me. I feel pressure to hold it together; to be strong; to save face – which means that I mask my pain and sorrow and grief and put on a smile and pretend everything is okay. Where this pressure, these lies, come from, I am not completely sure, but they are probably some mix of lies from the past, lies from the enemy, and my own prideful standards. But the source(s) really don't matter as much as the Remedy that eradicates them.

Historic Old Stone Church, Pittsburgh, PA

So all of this has been slowly coming to a head, and it did just that the Sunday before last. We are going through the book of Philippians at Renaissance Church, and that Sunday, the sermon was on 3:1-11. In it, Pastor Rob talked about how Jesus saves us from both our bad works and our good works. The former is what we think about – all the bad things we do, say, and think that cause us to fall short of God’s standard for us. The latter things, the good things, are what we generally rely on to assert our goodness, as if to give us some kind of bargaining chip with God, treating Him like He’s this Great Cosmic Santa who is making His list and checking it twice. But the truth is that the Bible says that our good works, our very best deeds, are filthy, disgusting, soiled rags in the presence of an all-wise, all-good, completely holy and sovereign God (Isaiah 64:6). None of it matters - the good, the bad - only knowing Jesus matters. And even though I know all this, I needed to be reminded of it, which God knew. Pastor Rob reminded us that in Christ we do measure up. In Christ, I measure up. God is not disappointed with me. He is not calculating the minutes I spend in prayer and Bible reading. He doesn’t have a balance in which He keeps my worldly thoughts/actions on one side and more Christ-centered thoughts/actions on the other. He wants me to become more like Christ, yes, but He knows me better than I know myself and He knows that He must help me grow to become like Christ. He is pleased with me because I am in Christ and He is pleased with Christ. He’s not concerned with outward actions mainly, but inward dispositions. He wants me to know Him. I want that too. I need that. Desperately.

So as I was listening to the sermon, God reminded me of Romans 8:1:

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

And that’s when I realized – for weeks I have been believing accusations from the enemy. He has been condemning me every day and I hardly realized it. I just accepted the accusations as truth. I have been believing his lies instead of dwelling on God’s promises. Like the promise of Romans 8:1. But it gets better. Romans 8 goes on to say that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared to the glory that awaits us (v. 18). A verse that I have often quoted to others, but not to myself. But it gets even better still. Who can separate us from this love of Christ? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Not illness or persecution or trials or spiritual forces or death or even my own made-up standards. Nothing in all creation can separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord (v. 31-39).

There is freedom and healing in these truths. I do not have it all together. I need Christ and I need His Church. Christ is everything I need to be.  I measure up because of Christ. He fills in all the areas I fall short. I am not condemned because of Christ. Better things await me because of Christ. God loves me with an unending, never-changing, better-than-I-can-imagine kind of love because of Christ. And these are truths that I need to be reminded of constantly because I seem to forget them constantly. Thank God for His reminders and for His people that help me remember.

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness;
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly lean on Jesus’ name.
Refrain:
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand,
All other ground is sinking sand. The Solid Rock, Edward Mote

Forgotten Faith

I will be honest: these past several weeks have been rough. I feel like I have been experiencing culture shock without even leaving the United States. And that’s not because of marriage or moving to Pittsburgh; although I am sure the newness of both plays into it a bit. There have been so many changes all at once. Most are good, but all contribute their own bit of stress: getting married, moving to a new city, starting a new job, finding a new church, making new friends – pretty much all that was familiar is not anymore.

I honestly didn’t expect to have such difficulties adjusting. I have moved to a new place before (Louisville) to start school and had to make new friends and find a new church and job. But on top of all of the changes were other trials and circumstances that brought me to the end of myself. I won’t recount them all lest I seem to be complaining (which is a very fine line), but let it suffice to say that things were breaking right and left, things were taking longer than they should, and my mom went into the hospital for a bit.

And in all this, God felt so very far away. Even though I continued to meet with Him daily through Bible reading and prayer, I felt like I could not connect to Him or His promises. And it’s not like He wasn’t there. He’s been providing for Daniel and me continually (especially with providing us with a church family before we even got here!). But I have had trouble sensing the Lord’s presence. And I hate that. Absolutely hate it.

And it’s no wonder that I had trouble sensing Him; my heart attitude has been less than honoring to Jesus Christ. I had completely lost focus of who He was and who I am in Him. After several meltdowns, the Lord began revealing to me my sin: I was constantly grumbling and complaining (internally) at the inconveniences I was facing; I was refusing to be transparent with my husband (one of the continual lessons of my life it seems); I was doubting God’s care and willingness to heal/help; I was trying to keep the I-have-it-all-together persona intact; and, as usual, I was relying on my own strength. Sigh. Symptoms of depression and despair and irritability and impatience all have their root causes in something else and here are all mine.

I am more like the Israelites of the Old Testament than I would like to think. Much like they had quickly forgotten God and His greatness when they were thirsty in the desert after He single-handedly delivered them from slavery in Egypt by performing breathtaking miracles, including the parting of the Red Sea, I had quickly forgotten God’s provision for me and my family after my dad’s death and throughout my dating and wedding experience. I was only weeks out from watching Him meticulously work out the details of mine and Daniel’s wedding and move, but as soon as the trials hit, my heart was full of doubt. I was living as a practical atheist as I tried to face these changes and trials on my own accord. O me of little faith.

But the awesome thing about God is that He is personal and that He actively and relentlessly pursues His children. Over the weeks, He has been speaking to my heart through His Word, through sermons, and through other people to reveal to me my sin. He is very kind and patient to do it so slowly and not smack me over the head with it all at once (which is what I deserve). This past weekend, while Daniel and I were traveling back from Kristi’s wedding in Louisville, Daniel put in a sermon/lecture from Wayne Grudem on miracles. It was exactly what I needed. Daniel didn’t know that, but God did. While I was listening, the Holy Spirit convicted me of my lack of faith. It was like I had forgotten what faith in prayer looked like. God flooded my mind with the many answers to prayer I have experienced. How could I be so doubtful?

Since then the Lord has been impressing on me the importance of seeking Him in all things. How should I use my time? Ask God through prayer. Should Daniel and I buy or rent after our current lease is up? Ask God through prayer. I have already seen Him answer several specific prayers since that sermon on Sunday. I still have a lot of growing to do when it comes to this, but the awesome thing about seeing answer to prayer is that it increases your faith.

Jesus said to her, “Did I not tell you that if you believed you would see the glory of God?” So they took away the stone. And Jesus lifted up his eyes and said, “Father, I thank you that you have heard me. I knew that you always hear me, but I said this on account of the people standing around, that they may believe that you sent me.” John 11:40-42

And, what’s even better, is that God’s answers to my prayers are not based on the amount of faith that I have. They are based on Jesus Christ. He obeyed the Father perfectly and had perfect faith for those that trust in Him. He has perfect faith for me. The Father always heard the prayers of His Son Jesus and, therefore, He always hears my prayers as well. He may not always answer in the timing or manner I would prefer, but He will answer.

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him! Matthew 7:7-11