Where to Set Your Hope

And now, O Lord, for what do I wait?
My hope is in you. Psalm 39:7

It has been about 10 years since I sensed God calling me to serve Him overseas. Yet here I am still in the United States, learning much, being further prepared and refined, waiting to be deployed. After struggling with the idea of leaving my family and the familiarity and comfort of life in Southeast Missouri (not to mention the United States) and talking to my pastor and telling my parents, I surrendered to the Lord’s beckoning and began to seek Him for the next step. My reluctance quickly changed to eagerness to pack up and go. But that wasn’t the next step that God had for me. I mean, I was to pack up and go, but it wasn’t to go to a foreign country; it was to move to Louisville, Kentucky, for further schooling. I didn’t know it at the time, but I had a lot to learn (and unlearn). So the Lord led me to Louisville to study at Southern Seminary and, as much as I wanted to be done with school, I absolutely loved my time at Southern.

When I graduated 3 years ago (where does the time go?!), I thought, “Finally. It’s time to go.” So I started the application process to serve abroad. Yet here I am still in Louisville, Kentucky. I still had (have) much to learn (and relearn), but this time the lessons came outside of a formal education. The classroom this time was life and Jesus walked (and carried) me through some of the most difficult years of my life in order to humble me and test me; to teach me to hunger for Him and depend on Him and feed from His Word (Deuteronomy 8:2-5).

Looking back, I can see the Lord's great wisdom and kindness in keeping me in the States as He has. There is no doubt that I am where I am supposed to be in this moment. For how long, I do not know, but the Lord continues to tell me to wait. And so that is what I will do until I receive my marching orders. Even though just a few months ago, I thought I might be leaving soon, God has made it clear that that is not the plan for the immediate future. There are several things happening in my life that make it clear that I should wait: my mom's health, my sister's engagement, something else (or should I say someone) that has entered my life...

Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12

So why I am rambling about and recounting all this? It’s because it is so easy to shift my hope, my aim, as I seek to follow the Lord and be obedient to what I believe He has called me to. It’s so easy to place my hope in the plan He may have for me or in circumstances or in relationships or in whatever I think God may be doing instead of in God Himself. But the truth is every single other thing will disappoint. Every single one. People disappoint. Ministry is hard. Plans get derailed. Circumstances change. But Christ is a sure foundation and hope. He will never disappoint. Sure, those who long for His coming may feel the reality of the proverb above, but they are still assured that it will be realized. Every other hope that is deferred will make our heart sick, but also sad and given to despair because all hope apart from Christ is not guaranteed.

The Lord has been reminding me of this lately. I can become so discontent with my job as I greatly desire to be in full-time ministry. I can become so frustrated with all the seemingly endless roadblocks to going overseas. I can become so weary in trusting God for direction. I can become so faint in praying and believing for my mom’s healing. I can become so impatient in waiting for things to unfold. But none of those things are the ultimate foundation and end goal of my hope (though I lose sight of that at times). I am not to pin my hope on full-time ministry or serving God overseas or in the prospect of marriage. None of which are bad desires in and of themselves, but they all point to something greater. The fulfillment of them can satisfy for a time. They may add to the tree of life mentioned in the proverb above, but they are not the tree of life. They do not give life; only Christ does that. He IS life. In the Christian life, Hope is a Person and His name is Jesus Christ. The Apostle Peter tells us believers to set our hope fully on Christ (1 Peter 1:13). He alone can satisfy completely and endlessly. Ministry and overseas service and marriage find their meaning and purpose and aim in Him. “For from Him and to Him and through Him are all things” (Romans 11:36).

So the verse I started this post with rings true. “And now, O Lord, for what do I wait?” In actuality I am waiting on a lot: direction, clarity, confirmation, my mom’s healing, fruit in ministry, Jesus’ return/going to be with Him…But what I’m waiting on doesn’t really matter ultimately. God is working out all the details of fulfillment when it comes to those things. And as I wait for Him to act instead of looking to the circumstances themselves, He promises to give me strength (Psalm 40:31). So then what am I really waiting for? Because “my hope is in You.” I need not wait on them, but on Him. These other things pale in comparison to knowing Jesus and being known my Him. It’s hard to keep that truth central and my focus where it should be, but this should be the aim and foundation of my life and I pray continually that it is. 

Whom have I in heaven but you?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. Psalm 73:25

Jesus, make this true of me.

Two things: My mom is visiting me and my sister for a week!

Also, today marks the 6th month since my dad’s passing. If you don’t mind, please say a quick prayer for me and my family. 

One Day at a Time

During this past week or so the Lord has helped me regain perspective because, honestly, since the last post I had really been struggling. My thoughts were dark, my vision was limited, and my faith was wavering. God’s promises seemed to loom on the distant horizon far from reach. Roots of bitterness were starting to creep in and my heart was hardening, and I had not the strength to fight it. I knew what I needed to do – namely, focus on God, remember His promises, and be thankful – but I felt as if I was standing at a wall with no way over or around. I was stuck in the muck and the mire.

The Lord Jesus, however, is incredibly and infinitely gracious. He saw me struggling. He heard my whimpered prayers. He knew better than I did the depths of my sinful heart-attitude and the frailty of my faith. And He met me right where I was. He sent His Word and His people (often in combination) to pull me up out of the muck and mire and to set my feet upon the rock, which is Himself. I am always so amazed at how God in His sovereignty and wisdom sends me His Word at just the right time. One friend spoke the truth of John 9 to me (these things are happening "that the works of God might be displayed"). My pastor preached the sermon that I desperately needed to hear and exposed all the doubts and fears that were swimming in my heart. The radio (which I rarely listen to) played songs that pointedly addressed my circumstances and sin and weariness. Then there were the perfectly-timed texts filled with Scriptures that reminded me of the truths I had forgotten, and the people who God burdened to pray for me. These are all evidences of the love and care and provision and grace of Christ. He is faithful even when we are not. He is the perfect Groom who pursues His wayward Bride. He is the only Sovereign for whom nothing escapes His attention. He is the gentle Shepherd who never, ever loses one of His won. In sum, He is Perfection, and He is everything I need (and want!).

One of the things the Lord has been reminding me of is the truth that He gives me grace for Today. He doesn’t give me grace for tomorrow or any other time in the future, but for the day at hand. And, as I have been reminded by several people lately, He also doesn’t give grace for my imagination, and, lately, my imagination has been in overdrive. I am a planner by default, but for a while now I haven’t been able to plan much past the current day. I am in waiting mode in almost every area of my life – waiting for the next step, waiting for the next piece of news, waiting for the next set of test results. So my entire future seems to be just hanging in the balance. And, of course, I guess this is the way it always actually is (from the human perspective) because God alone knows the future and He alone establishes my steps, no matter how much I plan and think ahead. Life is always filled with uncertainties because we do not know what the next day, the next moment will bring. Oswald Chambers calls this living in "gracious uncertainty," and says it is a natural part of the spiritual life. We may have general ideas about what lies ahead, but we won’t actual know until the next moment happens. And isn’t this even what Jesus taught?

Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. Matthew 6:34

Yes. I am to live day by day. God’s grace is more than sufficient for today, and He lavishly gives me the daily grace and strength I need when I need it. Jesus Christ is the only certainty. Everything else may give way, but He alone is my hope and stay (as the old hymn goes). And the fact that I hate this state of limbo reveals that I am not trusting the provision of my heavenly Father. It reveals that I put too much trust and confidence in plans and planning, instead of placing all my trust in Christ alone. (This is not to say that plans and planning are bad because they are not and they have their place when they are rightly submitted to God).

And this leads me to another reminder from the Lord: I need to be disciplined in my thinking. As the Apostle Paul says, I need to take every thought captive to obey Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5). This means when I start thinking about a painful future without my dad or when I start to wonder how honoring my parents in their ill health meshes with moving permanently overseas or start creating a host of future scenarios and what-ifs, I need to stop the thought process, remember (or look it up) the truth found in God’s Word, and start thinking about the character of God and His unfailing promises.

Finally, through all of this and underpinning all other lessons is the constant and continual reminder that I can’t do this. I cannot do this. I have not the strength. I have not the stamina. I have not the faith. I have not the wisdom. The situations that the Lord has allowed into my life, the path that He has me on, I simply have no ability in and of myself to do or even face. I literally and desperately need the grace and strength of Jesus every single hour, evening single moment. I need His grace. I need His wisdom. I need His guidance. I need His Word. I need HIM. And the great thing is that I have Him. He is mine and He promises in His Word that His grace is sufficient for me, that He is my ever-present help, that He will strengthen me, that He is with me and in me, that He is for me, and that He delights to do me good and will do me good for the glory of His name. And, furthermore, when I am weak, He is very, very strong.

Dying Embers

The Lord is very kind to me in more ways than I can count or recount. I am always amazed at how He sends things/people my way at exactly the right time. Although He is sovereign over the universe, He is also very diligent and personal in His dealings with each of His children. I love that about Him.

For the past 9 days, the Lord has been immersing me with sermons and events and videos that have reminded me of His great global purpose, His heart for the nations, the urgent need to share the gospel, and His personal call on my life to take this gospel to those who have no access to it. Last week was Global Evangelization Week at Southern where global ministry workers from around the world came and shared about what God was doing in their parts of the globe. There was a hymn sing, a 24-hour prayer vigil for the nations, and mission-focused chapel messages. I was also able to attend an International Women’s Ministry event at Immanuel Baptist Church and celebrate the Chinese New Year’s with friends. The week ended with the Resolute Conference where the theme was “To the Ends of the Earth.” My weak, self-centered, distracted, waning soul needed these things desperately, as the Lord knew. The truth is, as the Lord has had me in this holding pattern, as I have been waiting and waiting and waiting, as I have faced trials and struggles and painful circumstances, my passion and vision for serving God overseas has faded. In fact, it was on life support. I didn’t doubt my calling, but I could no longer see the end goal. I had gotten so bogged down in the present that I had almost forgotten my life’s aim, my ambition. The burning passion God had placed in my heart to answer His call to “go” had become dying embers.

But God, in His mercy and grace, would not let those embers completely burn out. It is not a mistake that all of these things happened within a week of each other. In fact, they are a direct answer to prayer. I had been asking the Lord (and asking others to ask the Lord for me) to revive my heart for His global mission. Not only had I lost sight of God’s desire for the nations, but I had also forgotten the power of the gospel – the power of the gospel to heal diseases and to save sinners and transform lives. All I could see was the muck and mire that I seemed to be entrenched in. But, like I said, God is very kind to me; kind to reveal my sin to me (I was not trusting Him for good things or even expecting Him to do good things) and kind to turn my heart toward the things that capture His.

It’s bittersweet, though. In the midst of the reminders of the millions of people who have never heard of Jesus Christ, who have no access to His saving gospel message, who have no Bible in their language, comes the cost of going. I’m not talking about financial cost; I’m talking about the cost of leaving people behind. The stakes are higher than ever before in my life now that my dad has cancer and my mom’s health has been questionable. That’s not to mention the possibility of my sister’s eyes continuing to deteriorate. Of course, I have always known there was a cost in going. Anything can happen when you are gone overseas for years at a time. There is no guarantee that you will see the faces of your family members again. But now that fact seems more certain. So I have been asking myself since the year began, should I still go? Is it right to leave behind ailing parents? What does honoring them look like in this situation while still be obedient to the Lord? The Lord Jesus’ answer this week was loud and clear: “Count the cost. Follow me. Trust me. Go.”

Now the LORD said to Abram, “Go from your country and your kindred and your father's house to the land that I will show you. Genesis 12:1

As they were going along the road, someone said to him, “I will follow you wherever you go.” And Jesus said to him, “Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay his head.” To another he said, “Follow me.” But he said, “Lord, let me first go and bury my father.”
And Jesus said to him, “Leave the dead to bury their own dead. But as for you, go and proclaim the kingdom of God.” Yet another said, “I will follow you, Lord, but let me first say farewell to those at my home.” Jesus said to him, “No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God.” Luke 9:57-62

These are hard things. There is a cost to following Jesus. And the question that comes to each of us is, “Is Jesus worth it?” Yes. He is infinitely worthy of anyone or thing we may be called to sacrifice. He is life and He is satisfaction, and it is only in living in daily obedience and surrender to His plan that I will fully experience that life and satisfaction. It doesn’t mean the sacrifice isn’t painful; it is gut-wrenchingly painful. But God once again in His kindness and grace helps us. He gives us the desire and the ability to do the things He has called us to do (Philippians 2:13). He is not a stern commander, but a gentle Shepherd. It’s not like He doesn’t care that we hurt and struggle with some aspects of His call. He is there with us, upholding us, strengthening us, and giving us more of Himself. I believe the last few years of hardship and heartache has prepared me for this very moment. They have provided me with ballast for my sailboat to keep me afloat during life’s storms (to use imagery John Piper used at the conference) – ballasts made of a deep belief in God’s sovereignty and the desire to see the name of Christ made great among the nations.  These weights are what keep me clinging to Jesus when life gets hard and they will be the things that keep me serving Him when I am in a foreign land. He is a sure and steady foundation and He will never disappoint.

Regaining Perspective

The Lord has been ever so gracious to refresh, revive and renew my spirit these past few weeks. The enemy had done a very good job of completely sidelining me and I had lost my eternal perspective and focus (which the Lord graciously revealed to me).

It’s amazing what a few weeks of focused time with the Lord can do! My heart was wandering far from the Lord in the midst of my busy schedule and spiritual oppression and the heavy burdens of life. I felt like I was dying on the inside, slowing slipping away, but as I continued to call out to the Lord, He answered me in His own time and way.

The Lord led me to a Piper book called When the Darkness Does Not Lift, and through it revealed to me what was going on in and around me. Through the awareness of my sinfulness, and the suffering of my loved ones, and spiritual warfare, I had gotten lost in the dark. I could not see God; I was failing to trust Him; and I had forgotten what I had learned while in the light. I was focusing on the things that are seen instead of the things that are unseen (2 Cor. 4:16-18) and I had stopped fighting for joy. Instead of trusting and resting in the sovereignty of Christ, I was living in reaction mode. It wasn’t pretty and it wasn’t good and it most definitely wasn’t Christ-honoring. I had lost sight of my great Treasure, who is Jesus Christ.

As I read through the Psalms and identified with the words of David and the other psalmists who cry to God for help, I wondered why God wasn’t answering me. God says He saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18), but where was He? The Lord gently reminded me that David had to wait to be answered too, like in Psalm 40:

   I waited patiently for the LORD;        he inclined to me and heard my cry.
    He drew me up from the pit of destruction,
        out of the miry bog,
    and set my feet upon a rock,
        making my steps secure.
    He put a new song in my mouth,
        a song of praise to our God.
    Many will see and fear,
        and put their trust in the LORD. Psalm 40:1-3

I often read the Psalms and think that God responded immediately, but if I would compare them with the rest of Scripture, I would see that God usually waits to respond. He does this for our good and for His glory. He does this to grow our trust and faith in Him. He does this because His ways and timing are always perfect. He does this because He knows what’s best.

The Lord has been lovingly reminding me lately that He is working for my good and has good things in store for me (Romans 8:28), and that I need to believe that in faith, even when things don’t make sense and when circumstances would seem to prove otherwise. David Platt says, “What if in your suffering and in your sorrow, Christ is working for your satisfaction?” And, you know, what? Jesus is my satisfaction, and the Lord is working through everything that I am going through so that I will know Him more deeply and intimately. He is going to reveal Himself to me in ways I could never have imagined (Ephesians 3:20). The thought of this brings me incredible joy.

But, first, I must wait. The continual word from the Lord this past year and a half or so has been, “Wait.” He is preparing me for whatever is in store, but God is not just working in my life in a way that will effect me. God is working in and through my life to work in the lives of others as well. He holds every detain in the palm of His hand. Nothing is lost to Him. I find this incredibly encouraging and comforting. I am currently in another delay in the process to get overseas. I will be in the States for at least another year, but I know that ultimately this is God’s delay. He wants to keep me in Louisville for another year, and I have no doubt He will reveal that reason in due time. So, even though the waiting is frustrating, it is also exciting, because, for the first time in awhile, I believe that God has good things in store. :)

Lessons in the Dark :: More Waiting

I have already written about waiting once, but it is one of those continual lessons. God’s people are always in waiting. We are ultimately waiting for Jesus Christ to return and establish God’s Kingdom (Titus 2:13). This is our great hope. We are waiting for our salvation and sanctification to be complete. We are waiting for evil to be fully eradicated. In the short-term, we are also waiting. The Lord has been showing me, as I read His Word and listened to it preached, the many people who waited in the Bible. He made them wait because He loves them and wanted to display His glory in ways that they couldn’t have imagined. The same is true with us.

I am not even sure what the Lord has me waiting for, but for the past year or so, His word has been firm: Wait. He obviously has a lot of preparation to do in me and lessons to teach me more before He reveals what’s next. In the meantime, I am, with the Lord’s strength, trying to be focused on the day at hand and be faithful where He has me. God’s Word is vital in the waiting. Through it, the Lord is teaching me, molding me, rebuking me and encouraging me. It’s easy to get lost in the waiting and to become anxious, but Jesus tells us not to be troubled or anxious (John 14:1). The Lord has been reminding me lately of the Proverbs 31 Woman who laughed at the future (Proverbs 31:25). She laughs not because she is careless or thinks it’s funny, but because she knows her God is in control. And it’s true. God is in complete control, working out His sovereign and good purposes and He has given me the strength and faith to rest in that truth.

Below is a brief catalog of “waiters” from the Bible. These are God’s people who, though not perfect, lived in faithful obedience to Him, but yet they had to wait for God’s perfect timing for some of their prayers as well as God’s promises to be fulfilled.

Abraham & Sarah (Genesis 12-21) – Abraham is described in the Bible as “a friend of God” (James 2:23). He and his wife, Sarah, had faith in God. They were unable to have children, but God promised to give them a son. They waited 25 years before this promise was fulfilled in the birth of Isaac. Abraham was 100 years old when Isaac was born.

Joseph (Genesis 37-50) – Joseph was the son of Jacob, grandson of Isaac and great-grandson of Abraham. He was the favorite child of his father, which made his ten older brothers jealous of him. They sold him as a slave to Egypt and then he was thrown in an Egyptian prison for something he didn’t do. God gave Joseph dreams when he was a teenager (before all this happened) showing him that he would rule over his family. When he was about 30, he was exalted to the second highest ruling position in Egypt, but Joseph did not see those dreams fully realized until he was in his 40s. This means that he waited at least 30 years for God to fulfill His purposes for him. He had suffered much, but God used him to save his family (God’s people Israel) from famine and death. This is what he told his brothers when they were afraid he would try to take revenge on them after their father died:

As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today. Genesis 50:20

David (1 Samuel 16 & 2 Samuel 2) – God selected David to be king over Israel when he was probably about 20 years old. He didn’t start reigning over Judah (part of Israel) until he was 30 and over the whole nation until he was 37. David waited about 20 years for God’s promise to him and purpose for him to be realized.

Job (Job 1-2; 40) – Job is described as a very righteous man (Job 1:1). He did what was right in the eyes of the Lord, yet he lost everything. All ten of his children died in a tornado; all his wealth (livestock and crops) disappeared; and even his health failed him. He went from the mountaintops to the valley in an instant. Even though Job couldn’t see it, the Lord was at work in his life. God wanted to display His worth to the heavenly realm through Job because Job, even though he lost everything, did not turn away from God. God also wanted to refine Job’s faith and obliterate the hidden pride that manifests itself in the middle chapters. While God was working out these purposes, Job was waiting and suffering. Months and months passed without a word from God (Job 7:3; 29:2). Sometimes we forget that Job’s fortunes were not restored immediately. Even when they are, it took time. The Lord gave him seven sons and three daughters again, but unless his wife had septuplets, this would have taken at least 10 years. So, even though we’re not told how long Job waited for God to restore him, he had to wait while heaven was silent, which is the hardest lesson of all.

Daniel (the Book of Daniel) – Daniel was taken captive along with other Israelites by the Babylonians when he was a teenager. He remained in exile for 70 years. During that time, the Lord displayed His power in and through Daniel in various ways. He also gave him dreams and visions with regard to the end of time. Daniel never saw these visions fulfilled (Hebrews 11:39-40).

The people of Israel (pretty much the entire Old Testament; especially Exodus and the books of the Prophets) – the people of Israel seemed to always be in waiting. Sometimes due to their disobedience and sometimes due to the Lord’s grand purposes. They waited for the Messiah, the Promised One, Jesus Christ, from the glimpse of God's plan given in Genesis 3:15. They waited for 400 years to be rescued from Egypt. They waited for 40 years in the wilderness for the Promised Land while a disobedient generation died off. They waited, in silence, between the Old Testament and New Testament for 400 years.

Blind Beggar (John 9) – While Jesus was traveling with His disciples, they came across a blind beggar. This man had been blind from birth. The disciples asked Jesus whether his blindness was from the sins of his parents or from his own sin. Jesus said it was neither. This man was born blind so that God could show His glory through him. He was born blind so that Jesus could heal him at that moment. And He did. Jesus healed the man and he went away rejoicing. He experienced the healing power and mercy of God and encountered Jesus Christ, God in the flesh. He would have missed out on these things had he not suffered blindness. The Bible does not say how old this man is, but he is a grown man, and he had to wait many, many years for God to reveal the purpose of his blindness.

Lazarus (John 11) – Lazarus and his sisters, Martha and Mary, were dear friends of Jesus. One day, Lazarus became very ill, so his sisters sent for Jesus. Jesus, however, did not come. Because He loved them, He ignored them (John 11:5-6) and delayed in coming. During that delay, Lazarus died. By the time Jesus decided to answer the sisters’ call, Lazarus had been dead for four days. Jesus, however, knew what He was doing. He was in control the whole time. With a word, He raised Lazarus back to life. Oh the glory and power of that moment! These sisters as well as Lazarus and the Jews that were with them saw God bring someone back from the dead. But they had to wait four days in grief and misery to understand Jesus’ delayed response. I’m sure they would say it was worth the wait.

The death of Christ (Matthew 27; Mark 15; Luke 23; John 19) – Jesus Christ is the Promised Savior. It was planned from before time began that He would come to save sinners (Acts 2:23;4:28). His disciples and others that believed in Him and followed Him had placed all their hope in Him. Then He died. He was crucified like a common criminal and buried in a tomb. For three days, they reeled from what they had just seen. Their Hope had just been executed. They were stunned. Then on the first day of the week, the tomb was empty. Jesus was gone. His body wasn’t stolen or misplaced; He was alive. He had conquered death and sin and Satan and was now the glorified Lord that they had believed Him to be. Their hope was now secure and final. Jesus had did for them what no one else could do. And they only had to wait three days.

I could go on and on with examples from the Bible, but I won’t. The waiting continues for us who claim to follow Christ. The disciples and apostles in the New Testament (see the Book of Acts and Revelation) were waiting for Christ to come back. We wait for that too.

But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. Romans 8:25

Lessons Learned in the Dark : Waiting

The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. Lamentations 3:25-26

Patience is not my strong suit. I value efficiency, speed and progress; therefore, I do not like to wait. Patience, though, is a virtue, but even more than that it is a fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22). Impatience is a sin I often have to repent of, and since I long to be like Christ, who is perfect in patience, I asked Him to “give” me patience. Jesus was pleased to answer that request by greatly testing and growing me in this area of my life. There are many areas of my life where He has been silent. He keeps telling me to wait—for what I do not know and for how long He hasn’t said. But the word is firm: wait.

Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord! Psalm 27:14

Waiting takes courage; it’s not easy. Now waiting when I can see progress happening, when I can see Him at work, is no big deal to me. I could wait forever like that. But waiting when God is silent, when I can’t see Him working, when I can’t see the next step, when all around me is dark, is a whole different story. That kind of waiting is extremely hard and painful and requires a lot of trust and faith in the One who is sovereign over all things.

But when I hoped for good, evil came, and when I waited for light, darkness came. My inward parts are in turmoil and never still; days of affliction come to meet me. I go about darkened, but not by the sun; I stand up in the assembly and cry for help. Job 30:26-28

One area of my life in which He has been silent, but is now starting to allow me to see a little bit of progress, is my future overseas. For almost a year, I have waited for the next step in the application process with the international company I am interested in serving with. Besides that, I have been waiting for the Lord to confirm what organization to even go with – this one or some other one. Both finally came last weekend when I attended a conference and, while there, had my second of three interviews. The Lord was ever so gracious to allow me to sense His presence and leading as well as the prayers of the many people who were interceding for me. I knew I was right where He wanted me (a sense I haven’t “felt” for a long time”) and by the end of the conference knew that He wanted me to continue the application process with this company. It is so exciting to see a little progress in this area of my life again!

But as for me, I will look to the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation; my God will hear me. Micah 7:7

The conference was such a blessing and was so encouraging. Through it, I met some amazing people and I learned more about the company itself. I also learned about the vast amount of people who have yet to hear the name of Christ—billions and billions of faces that live in darkness apart from the saving light of Christ, but I was struck by the fact that God knows each person’s face and name and longs for them to hear His gospel. He has sons and daughters among those billions and He knows exactly who they are (Matthew 9:37; Acts 18:10; 2 Timothy 2:19). Most of these people are concentrated in Asia, the continent I am most interested in serving on. The more I learned about the different regions, though, the more my heart grew for all of them (which makes sense because God has a heart for and desires every nation). I was originally supposed to choose two breakout sessions in which to learn more about specific regions, but God opened the door for me to attend three and then I got to have lunch with the leader from a fourth region. I am still not sure where in Asia (East & South are the front-runners), but I am encouraged just the same that the Lord has shone a little light on my path.

Your Word is a lamp unto my feet and a light to my path. Psalm 119:105

What’s next? More waiting. I should hear back from the company in a month or so if they want to proceed with me or not. In the meantime, I will continue to trust and obey. If there is one thing I have learned through all this it is that the Lord knows when I should be overseas. I won’t get their too early or too late, but at just the right time. He is sovereign over all things and has me exactly where He wants me—in Louisville, Kentucky. But regardless if I have to wait a year or twenty years (though I hope not!) before this calling is realized, Jesus Christ is worth it. He is worth the pain and the silence and the mundane and the wait because this is all for Him anyway. At the end of the day, it won’t be about what I did or did not do, or where I invested my life, but about my faith and trust in Christ. Not to say that truth makes waiting any easier. My strength and my heart will fail; I will grow weary, but Jesus promises to be the strength of my heart as I wait on Him and my Portion forever (Psalm 73:26).

Why do you say, O Jacob, and speak, O Israel, “My way is hidden from the Lord, and my right is disregarded by my God?” Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not grow weary or faint [like I do!]; His understand is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might He increases strength. Even youths shall faint and grow weary, and young men [and women] shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord will renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:27-31

Testing...1, 2, 3

This day last year I was just returning from South Asia. I can't believe its been a year. How different my life seems now compared to then. I miss the people and the ministry there greatly.

If last year could be considered my spiritual high, then this year would be my spiritual low. Disappointments, bad news, closed doors and silence from the Lord have been the marks of 2011 so far. Exactly the opposite of 2010. It is the silence that makes it all almost unbearable. The Lord has hidden His working from me so that I cannot perceive it and He has been utterly silent to my cries for guidance. I ask for light, but I am kept in the dark. I know and believe wholeheartedly that Jesus is still in control and that He is still working, which is the truth to which I cling.

Even though the Lord has seemed to shut out my prayers, I know that He hears me. He continues to tell me to wait, to be still and to trust Him. Through His Word, He directs me to passages that exhort me to these things and that tell me why I am going through this wilderness. Deuteronomy 8 is one such passage. In it, God explains to the Israelites why He sent them into the desert wilderness for 40 years. It was in order to humble them, to test them to reveal what was in their hearts and to teach them to feed on and treasure God's Word above all else. The Lord did this to prepare them for the Promised Land. Likewise, I know that this is a time of preparation in my life - preparing me for whatever the Lord Jesus has in store. Pray that I will be found faithful.

Sometimes I want to escape or quit or beg for this season to end, but James 1 reminds me of the joy that awaits trials like these: Christlikeness. I am to count it all joy for God is working in me the image of His Son...and to do that takes a lot of (painful) work as He chisels out more and more of me to reveal more and more of Christ. Also, I noticed for the first time in James 1 the little word let.

And let steadfastness/patience have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1:4

The trials themselves are a gift from God that makes us more like His Son. We have to work with Him, though. We have to let the testing of our faith produce steadfastness and we have to let steadfastness have its complete effect. The full effect is that we become more holy like the Savior we serve. We can hinder this, however, when we don't embrace the trials as the gifts from God that they really are.

One of my biggest discoveries this year is that when we ask for more of Christ in and through our lives (and if you know Him and follow Him, you should be asking for this), we are actually asking for our faith to be tested and refined. The psalmists repeatedly cry out for the Lord to test their faith, to search their hearts and to prove their ways (i.e. Psalm 139:23). Until this year, I never realized that they were opening themselves up to God's refining work, to trials and hardships and whatever else God needed to do in and through them to make them more like Himself. We must remember the words of Jesus, "A servant is not above his Master" (Matthew 10:24). The Lord Jesus waited 30 years for God's timing to start His public ministry. He was rejected by many, mocked, betrayed, murdered...should we expect any less? We are not alone in these sufferings, though. Jesus promises to never leave or forsake us (Hebrews 13:5). We are to follow His example to be sure - looking unto the joy of the Reward set before us and forgetting all this is behind - but we do not do it alone. Jesus is with us. He strengthens and sustains us. And He is the Reward.

Looking unto Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Hebrews 12:2

We are not, however, the only ones who wait. The Lord Himself waits to show us grace. He knows the perfect way to achieve His purpose of sanctification in us. Through these light momentary afflictions, He is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison (2 Corinthians 4:17-18).

Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you, and therefore He exalts Himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for Him. Isaiah 30:18

Waiting, the Word and (not) Wasting

It's been a little bit since my last post. My silence is due to both not having the time and not having the motivation to blog. Primarily the latter as I have been quite anti-transparent lately. This year has been quite a difficult one...mainly because of the war that has been waging inside me. Suffice to say that those thoughts are delegated to my personal journal and possibly to those whom I deeply trust...possibly.

The Lord has not been silent, though. His messages have been consistent and strong. "Hear My voice." "Stay on the Path." "Follow Me." "Wait." This last one is the hardest. I don't know exactly what I am waiting for or how long I will have to wait. All I know is my Savior says, "Wait." So I will...with His strength. He is in full-control of my life and knows exactly where He is leading to me. In that I can take comfort.

The Lord has been so incredibly gracious to give me rich times in His Word. I am currently journeying through John until Easter (a chapter a day). I have been using the online ESV Study Bible to run references on each verse. The study has made me see more clearly the overall narrative of John, the perfect focus of Christ to do the Father's will, the constant call of Jesus for people to follow Him and the deity of Jesus Christ (the God-Man). I have also been slowly working through 1 Peter 3:4-6 (one key word at a time) to replace the time in the morning when I would be applying make-up, which I have given up for a while to focus on "inner beauty." This study too has been most enlightening as the Lord has taught me about the things that are precious to Him and how I need to trust Him more.

I have been listening and re-listening to a sermon by John Piper in my car this past week and a half or so about not wasting my life. I am gripped by almost every word as I do not want to waste the life God has given me. He talks about making Christ look great in every aspect of our lives by counting all things as loss compared to knowing Him. I am still trying to figure out how that looks exactly in my own life...but it is becoming my driving passion to do so. It is so easy to be distracted with anything and everything else that doesn't compare to His value. I guess this is one of those life-long battles of the Christian life: resisting all so that I can say "yes" to Christ. I want more of Him and I want all that He has for me (whatever that may look like). For it is my earnest expectation and my hope that in nothing I will be ashamed by with all boldness, as always, so now also Christ shall be magnified in my body, whether in life or in death. For to me to live is Christ and to die is gain (Philippians 1:20-21).