A Different Kind of Christmas

This year has been full of new experiences and changes (which I plan to expound on in my New Year’s post), and I feel like I am finally settling into it all.

This Christmas was also different. I spent it with different people doing different things in a different place. Daniel and I traveled to Nashville to spend Christmas with his family. To be honest, Christmas has been rather hard for me and my family for several years now. It has lost its luster and hype for us because of this, but it has also, at least for me, caused us to re-evaluate and learn to treasure Christmas for the joy it really is, for its true meaning. Sure, giving and receiving presents is fun, and so are the sights and sounds of the holidays, but none of these things last or fulfill or give us lasting joy. But when we focus in on Jesus - who He is, why He came, what He’s done - and we embrace Him for all He is and all He did for us, then we will find true satisfaction and fulfillment and joy and peace.

And Jesus can be found in the traditions and joys too because all are a gift from Him. He has purposes for the struggles and joys of life and He is in control of them all. For me, this Christmas contained much more happiness than those of recent years. It was a really sweet time of hanging out with Daniel’s family and getting to know them better, participating in their traditions, making Christmas cookies for Santa for the first time, eating lots of yummy food, and viewing the lights and decorations of the city. It was also just a time of rest. Plus, Daniel and are started some of our own traditions, like reading an Advent book together and making a gingerbread house and watching select Christmas movies together. (He bought me “Charlie Brown Christmas” and “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” as gifts – he had never seen them before, which I can barely compute, but we quickly remedied that).

Of course, there was still some pain of missing my dad and my mom and sister, of wanting them to share in what I was experiencing, but there was much more for which to be thankful. It was a low-key Christmas spent with family, and God helped me to keep my thoughts on Him continually. Because at the end of the day, presents and family and food and traditions do not satisfy. Time off comes to an end. Visiting comes to an end. Food comes to an end. Presents come to an end and the things that they contain do not last. But Jesus, the one that this season was established for, He never fades away. He alone meets our deepest need of fellowship, rest, sustenance, and enjoyment.

You make known to me the path of life;
in your presence is fullness of joy;
at Your right hand are pleasures forevermore. Psalm 16:11

Taste and see that the Lord is good and that He is all you need.

A Season of Thanksgiving

Monroeville Community Park, Pittsburgh, PA

I can't believe it's already late into November. It seemed like the leaves were brilliant with color on the trees one day and then all dried up on the ground the next. Now winter is intruding into autumn as flurries fill the frigid air.

Still, I think November is a great month for many reasons. First of all, it contains my favorite holiday: Thanksgiving. It is also the month I met my husband (24th). Finally, both mine (22nd) and Daniel's birthdays (13th) are this month. We have much to celebrate and much to be thankful for.

In this country, November also marks the "season of thanksgiving." And, as Jesus would have it, this has been a season in my own life of learning what it means to be thankful. Indeed, the Bible is explicit that God's people should be a thankful people (i.e. Ephesians 5:20). It is an expectation and command. And what other response should overflow from a people chosen by God, saved by His grace, and given every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places (Romans 8:28-30; Ephesians 1:3). Thanksgiving should be our natural, spontaneous response to the lavish love and grace of God displayed to us through Jesus Christ.

But like I said, I am learning this right now, which means I have not been overflowing with thankfulness. In fact, I have been doing quite the opposite: grumbling about my circumstances and allowing roots of bitterness to spring forth. I have been focusing on the negative circumstances in my life and blind to the many gifts God gives me each day. The busyness of the many changes in my life, the continuing grief, spiritual warfare, and unanswered prayers have seemed to sideline me, to knock me off track. I just finished a book called One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp, which God used to awaken me to the clench-fist grip I have on my life and to the many ways He specifically and carefully and masterfully shows His continual love and care for me each day. Since reading that book, I have starting counting some of the sweet gifts that God gives me each day and taking the time to thank Him for them, instead of just barely giving them a nod and moving on.

But the root of this is much deeper than a failure to acknowledge God’s goodness and provision. It stems from a lack of trust in God Himself. God has been beckoning me to notice the good things He showers me with each day to be sure, but, more than that, He is calling me to trust Him with abandon. This I have not been doing. Despite the many ways He has provided and cared and blessed me, I have been short-sighted and forgetful. I have doubted His intentions and heart toward me. This is sin. I have been sinfully blind to all that God is for me and has done for me in Jesus Christ, and have been resistant to entrust my family and future plans into His sovereign, good, and all-wise care (as if I could do a better job than Him). I have been struggling in my faith and I am unsure how to get back to where I once was. But this I know and believe: God always completes what He starts (Philippians 1:6) and feeling like I am at the end of myself is always a good place to be (2 Corinthians 1:8-10). Because when I am weak, He is very, very strong (2 Corinthians 12:8-10).

But I will sing of Your strength;
I will sing aloud of Your steadfast love in the morning.
For You have been to me a fortress
and a refuge in the day of my distress.
O my Strength, I will sing praises to You,
for You, O God, are my fortress,
the God who shows me steadfast love. Psalm 59:16-17

The Performer

The Lord has been slowly exposing some deep-rooted sins over the past few months. Trials seem to bring those kinds of things to the surface.

The Father first starting bringing this particular sin to light in late August as I was listening to a Meadow Heights sermon about emotional baggage. The sermon focused on three types of people: The Poser, The Performer, and The Clinger. Each type believed specific lies that fueled them to basically act how their titles described.

I immediately knew which one I was: The Performer. I resonate with the feeling that I am not good enough. Almost every day I feel that I don’t measure up, that I constantly fall short. And, in truth, we all fall short. The Bible is clear that every single person does not and cannot measure up to God’s perfect standard. We repeatedly fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). But if you don’t look to the gospel when you realize/notice/feel like you’ve fallen short, you have no hope and you, therefore, begin placing hope in other things and/or people. And hope that is built on anything other than Christ will always disappoint, will always fail.

In saying I am a performer, I do not mean that I am not genuine or that I’m not the same person at church as I am at home or work or elsewhere. I think, or at least hope, that I am. But it is to say that I sometimes hide my feelings and pretend I have it all together. You may never know that I feel that I don't measure up, but I do. I feel this incredible pressure to be the perfect wife (a pressure that I put on myself and that has by no means been projected onto me by my husband in any way), even though I know there is no such thing. I feel pressure to know the answers to whatever questions may be asked of me. I feel pressure to hold it together; to be strong; to save face – which means that I mask my pain and sorrow and grief and put on a smile and pretend everything is okay. Where this pressure, these lies, come from, I am not completely sure, but they are probably some mix of lies from the past, lies from the enemy, and my own prideful standards. But the source(s) really don't matter as much as the Remedy that eradicates them.

Historic Old Stone Church, Pittsburgh, PA

So all of this has been slowly coming to a head, and it did just that the Sunday before last. We are going through the book of Philippians at Renaissance Church, and that Sunday, the sermon was on 3:1-11. In it, Pastor Rob talked about how Jesus saves us from both our bad works and our good works. The former is what we think about – all the bad things we do, say, and think that cause us to fall short of God’s standard for us. The latter things, the good things, are what we generally rely on to assert our goodness, as if to give us some kind of bargaining chip with God, treating Him like He’s this Great Cosmic Santa who is making His list and checking it twice. But the truth is that the Bible says that our good works, our very best deeds, are filthy, disgusting, soiled rags in the presence of an all-wise, all-good, completely holy and sovereign God (Isaiah 64:6). None of it matters - the good, the bad - only knowing Jesus matters. And even though I know all this, I needed to be reminded of it, which God knew. Pastor Rob reminded us that in Christ we do measure up. In Christ, I measure up. God is not disappointed with me. He is not calculating the minutes I spend in prayer and Bible reading. He doesn’t have a balance in which He keeps my worldly thoughts/actions on one side and more Christ-centered thoughts/actions on the other. He wants me to become more like Christ, yes, but He knows me better than I know myself and He knows that He must help me grow to become like Christ. He is pleased with me because I am in Christ and He is pleased with Christ. He’s not concerned with outward actions mainly, but inward dispositions. He wants me to know Him. I want that too. I need that. Desperately.

So as I was listening to the sermon, God reminded me of Romans 8:1:

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

And that’s when I realized – for weeks I have been believing accusations from the enemy. He has been condemning me every day and I hardly realized it. I just accepted the accusations as truth. I have been believing his lies instead of dwelling on God’s promises. Like the promise of Romans 8:1. But it gets better. Romans 8 goes on to say that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared to the glory that awaits us (v. 18). A verse that I have often quoted to others, but not to myself. But it gets even better still. Who can separate us from this love of Christ? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Not illness or persecution or trials or spiritual forces or death or even my own made-up standards. Nothing in all creation can separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord (v. 31-39).

There is freedom and healing in these truths. I do not have it all together. I need Christ and I need His Church. Christ is everything I need to be.  I measure up because of Christ. He fills in all the areas I fall short. I am not condemned because of Christ. Better things await me because of Christ. God loves me with an unending, never-changing, better-than-I-can-imagine kind of love because of Christ. And these are truths that I need to be reminded of constantly because I seem to forget them constantly. Thank God for His reminders and for His people that help me remember.

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness;
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly lean on Jesus’ name.
Refrain:
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand,
All other ground is sinking sand. The Solid Rock, Edward Mote

Forgotten Faith

I will be honest: these past several weeks have been rough. I feel like I have been experiencing culture shock without even leaving the United States. And that’s not because of marriage or moving to Pittsburgh; although I am sure the newness of both plays into it a bit. There have been so many changes all at once. Most are good, but all contribute their own bit of stress: getting married, moving to a new city, starting a new job, finding a new church, making new friends – pretty much all that was familiar is not anymore.

I honestly didn’t expect to have such difficulties adjusting. I have moved to a new place before (Louisville) to start school and had to make new friends and find a new church and job. But on top of all of the changes were other trials and circumstances that brought me to the end of myself. I won’t recount them all lest I seem to be complaining (which is a very fine line), but let it suffice to say that things were breaking right and left, things were taking longer than they should, and my mom went into the hospital for a bit.

And in all this, God felt so very far away. Even though I continued to meet with Him daily through Bible reading and prayer, I felt like I could not connect to Him or His promises. And it’s not like He wasn’t there. He’s been providing for Daniel and me continually (especially with providing us with a church family before we even got here!). But I have had trouble sensing the Lord’s presence. And I hate that. Absolutely hate it.

And it’s no wonder that I had trouble sensing Him; my heart attitude has been less than honoring to Jesus Christ. I had completely lost focus of who He was and who I am in Him. After several meltdowns, the Lord began revealing to me my sin: I was constantly grumbling and complaining (internally) at the inconveniences I was facing; I was refusing to be transparent with my husband (one of the continual lessons of my life it seems); I was doubting God’s care and willingness to heal/help; I was trying to keep the I-have-it-all-together persona intact; and, as usual, I was relying on my own strength. Sigh. Symptoms of depression and despair and irritability and impatience all have their root causes in something else and here are all mine.

I am more like the Israelites of the Old Testament than I would like to think. Much like they had quickly forgotten God and His greatness when they were thirsty in the desert after He single-handedly delivered them from slavery in Egypt by performing breathtaking miracles, including the parting of the Red Sea, I had quickly forgotten God’s provision for me and my family after my dad’s death and throughout my dating and wedding experience. I was only weeks out from watching Him meticulously work out the details of mine and Daniel’s wedding and move, but as soon as the trials hit, my heart was full of doubt. I was living as a practical atheist as I tried to face these changes and trials on my own accord. O me of little faith.

But the awesome thing about God is that He is personal and that He actively and relentlessly pursues His children. Over the weeks, He has been speaking to my heart through His Word, through sermons, and through other people to reveal to me my sin. He is very kind and patient to do it so slowly and not smack me over the head with it all at once (which is what I deserve). This past weekend, while Daniel and I were traveling back from Kristi’s wedding in Louisville, Daniel put in a sermon/lecture from Wayne Grudem on miracles. It was exactly what I needed. Daniel didn’t know that, but God did. While I was listening, the Holy Spirit convicted me of my lack of faith. It was like I had forgotten what faith in prayer looked like. God flooded my mind with the many answers to prayer I have experienced. How could I be so doubtful?

Since then the Lord has been impressing on me the importance of seeking Him in all things. How should I use my time? Ask God through prayer. Should Daniel and I buy or rent after our current lease is up? Ask God through prayer. I have already seen Him answer several specific prayers since that sermon on Sunday. I still have a lot of growing to do when it comes to this, but the awesome thing about seeing answer to prayer is that it increases your faith.

Jesus said to her, “Did I not tell you that if you believed you would see the glory of God?” So they took away the stone. And Jesus lifted up his eyes and said, “Father, I thank you that you have heard me. I knew that you always hear me, but I said this on account of the people standing around, that they may believe that you sent me.” John 11:40-42

And, what’s even better, is that God’s answers to my prayers are not based on the amount of faith that I have. They are based on Jesus Christ. He obeyed the Father perfectly and had perfect faith for those that trust in Him. He has perfect faith for me. The Father always heard the prayers of His Son Jesus and, therefore, He always hears my prayers as well. He may not always answer in the timing or manner I would prefer, but He will answer.

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him! Matthew 7:7-11

Weddings and a Funeral

A lot has changed in my family in the past year. There have been some very joyous occasions, but also some very heart-wrenching ones. All of which were determined and designed by a loving God (Job 2:10; Romans 8:28). My sister and I both got engaged earlier this year. I got married a month ago yesterday and she gets married a month from tomorrow. Yesterday also marked two weeks since I moved to Pittsburgh with my new husband. It's been a whirlwind to say the least.

But while we did gain two new members to our family, a year ago today, we also lost one - the pain of which can still be keenly felt. Even though I have tried not to dwell on the memories leading up to my dad's death, everything within me has been very aware that the anniversary of his passing was coming. He started appearing in my dreams two weeks ago, which is probably why I haven't been sleeping well, and there have been so many things that remind me of him. I can't help but reflect back to this time last year as he slowing slipped away...The emotions and memories of which are still very real and raw.

It was hard not having my dad at my wedding. It was hard to have someone else walk me down the aisle and give me away (although I am very thankful that my uncle, my dad's brother, did). It was hard not to have my dad involved in the details and days leading up to the wedding and the move, and it's hard that he will never get to meet Daniel.

Sarah Ayer Photography

But God's grace is sufficient for these things. He helped me find ways to remember and honor my dad in the midst of his absence. I was able to work through some of these emotions the weekend before the wedding, and the Lord filled me with His perfect peace the day of the wedding so that I was not battling sorrow in the midst of the joy. I wrote a poem for my dad for my wedding. It was a way to express what I was feeling and to remind myself of the Hope that both his death and my wedding point to:

"Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be His people, and God Himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away. And He who was seated on the throne said, 'Behold, I am making all things new.'" (Revelation 21:3-5).

In Loving Memory of Gary Lynn Hovis 

(June 23, 1953 - September 3, 2013)

I wish you were here, Dad,

to experience this day

to walk me down the aisle,

and to give me away.

I wish you were here, Dad,

your presence in this place,

so we could dance at the reception,

so I could kiss your face.

But God in his goodness, Dad, (Psalm 119:68)

took you Home to be with Him (2 Corinthians 5:8)

So we trust God for His wisdom

when our understanding's dim. (Proverbs 3:5-6)

I know you're worshiping with us, Dad,

with the rest of the saints above (Hebrews 12:23)

as we magnify the Lord Jesus

and celebrate His love. 

You won’t return to me, Dad,

but I will go to you. (2 Samuel 2:23)

And then we’ll celebrate together

the Wedding this day looks forward to. (Revelation 19:6-8)

Sarah Ayer Photography

It Takes the Church

Wow. I can’t believe it's almost been two months since my last post - a testament to the craziness of the last few months. During that time I quit my job at Southern (July 25th), got married (August 2nd), and moved to Pittsburgh (August 19th) where my husband (!) just started a Ph.D. at Duquesne (August 25th). I am just now starting to feel like I can catch my breath.

There are so many things I could blog about, but I wanted to take time to focus on the faithfulness of God shown through His people, the church, to make my marriage ceremony to Daniel Hurst happen.

It is true that God cares about the most minute details of life. I experienced that firsthand. Jesus says that our heavenly Father feeds the birds and that He adorns the flowers with their many colors, shapes, and sizes (Matthew 6:25-33). How much more will He care for His children for whom He sent His Son Jesus to die…and care for them in every single detail of their lives (John 3:16; 2 Corinthians 9:8; Philippians 4:19)?

Daniel and I wanted Jesus to be put on display through our wedding ceremony (and most importantly our marriage), so we covered every detail of it with prayer. And God answered and provided. We wanted the ceremony to be a worship service that was full of God’s joy and peace and we wanted to honor God with our resources (i.e. we didn't want to spend a lot of money or have an elaborate ceremony). And God honored those desires. When choosing colors and cake and such, neither of us were set on any particular ideal. We were both very open to whatever the Lord might have for us. As I prayed about details, ideas would just “come to my mind.” For example: while looking at wedding cakes (which apparently are very expensive), I didn’t want to spend over $200. Everything I found was around $300 for a three-tier cake and sheet cake. I don’t even like cake. So I talked to the Lord about this and, as I was falling asleep one evening, the thought came, “What about a two-tier cake?” The next day, Daniel and I went to Whole Foods (who we heard had decently-priced wedding cakes). Each Whole Foods is different, and the one in Louisville was just starting to tap into the wedding-cake industry. Since that hadn’t launched, they could only do two-tier cakes for $50. Sold. And it turned out beautifully (especially after Daniel’s sister added the flowers).

Sarah Ayer Photography

That is just one example of many of how the Lord guided and provided. But what’s even better than that is how God’s people came together to make our wedding day happen. My bridesmaids and other Christian sisters let me borrow things to use as décor or connected me to people who had what I needed/wanted AND they did a lot of the work. I honestly could care less about decorating and such (not my forte), but these women were more than eager, not to mention joyful, to help in any way they could.

The same can be said about our church family, Rolling Fields Church. There was a buzz of excitement in the air throughout the church body leading up to our wedding day. There were so many people who helped out behind the scenes before, during, and after the ceremony: setting the stage, setting up chairs and tables for the rehearsal dinner and reception, preparing and serving food at the reception, making the bouquets and floral arrangements…I can’t help thinking that last year, Rolling Fields wept with those who wept, and how this year, they rejoiced with those who rejoiced (Romans 12:15). They practically showed the love of Christ to Daniel and me – and still continue to do so even though we’ve moved away.

The day of the wedding, everything just seemed to “fall into place” (Psalm 37:5). The rain moved out that morning just in time for outdoor pictures, and the Lord provided the beautiful weather for which we had prayed. Jesus filled me with His peace throughout the day and His presence was evident in our ceremony. Many people commented on how the ceremony pointed to Jesus – which is what we had deeply desired and prayed for (Psalm 37:4). To Him be the glory.

Sarah Ayer Photography

So this is why I titled this blog “It Takes the Church.” Could we have pulled off this wedding day on our own? Probably so, but it would have taken more time and money, been more stressful (because it turned out to be rather stress-free) and less joyful, and we wouldn’t have had the blessings of watching the church be the church to us. And these brothers and sisters not only invested in our wedding day, they invested into our lives and into our marriage, which they were rightly more concerned about. So in saying “It takes the church,” I am saying it takes the body of Christ expressed in the form of the local church body (not the building – though that was useful for our ceremony :). And that’s the way it should be, right? Because, after all, the wedding ceremony is a picture and foretelling of the Great Wedding to come: the marriage of Jesus Christ to His Bride, the Church (Revelation 19:6-9; Ephesians 5:32). This is the Wedding Day we’re all waiting for (whether we realize it or not) and the only one that matters eternally. “Blessed are those who are invited to the marriage supper of the Lamb” (Revelation 19:9).

If you were unable to make it to our ceremony and want to watch it, click below.
 

One Thing is Necessary

It has been a very busy season of life (evidenced by my significant lack of posts). I truly believe I am doing the things that the Lord wants me to do, but I have been tired and spent and struggling to trust the goodness of Christ, struggling to "fight the good fight of faith" (1 Timothy 6:12).

When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul. Psalm 94:19

It has also been an emotionally hard season of life. There are so many things going on that it’s hard to keep my focus on the One Thing that is necessary (Luke 10:42; Psalm 27:4). And because of that, I have been a wreck on the inside. One minute I am excited and happy about all that God is doing (I mean, I am getting married :), and the next minute I’m fighting tears and feel that my heart is breaking with all the burdens and grief that this past year as brought. It’s a rollercoaster of emotions to say the least.

Father’s Day and Dad’s birthday have come and gone, and I have been missing my dad a lot. It feels like I'm losing him all over again. I have been concerned for Mom and Kristi, wondering how they will fare without me (as if their well-being depended upon me). There are so many things to tend to and relationships to invest in – and the days are dwindling in which to do so. Then there is the spiritual warfare/oppression I’ve felt – like an invisible weight on my shoulders - and all the anxieties and fears and doubts about the future. I am usually ready to pack up and leave for wherever God is leading, but I've been dragging my heels just a bit. Maybe I’ve been trusting in comfort and familiarity in the midst of this past storm more than I realized. Or maybe that’s why they say not to make major life changes within the first year of losing someone…

As usual, I am learning to navigate these emotions and share them. While God has taught me much about being vulnerable with others and sharing my burdens with my brothers and sisters in Christ (Galatians 6:2), my natural tendency is to close up and withdraw, to put on my I’ve-got-it-together face and smile, and to ignore/suppress my feelings altogether (because, honestly, I don’t trust them). So I think I’ve regressed a little in that area and I’m having to re-learn the same lessons that God taught me these past few years.
But, as usual, Jesus met me in my struggles – in my pain and doubts and fears and circumstances. He has been showing me through His Word and through His people how much I have not been trusting Him and how I need to seek Him above all other things and how I need to cast my cares on Him (1 Peter 5:7; Matthew 11:28; Phil. 4:6-8). Two main ways He did that was through a Scripture passage in the Old Testament and through ReConnect at church.

The passage was 2 Chronicles 14:-15. It is the story of Asa, who was king of Judah. He was a faithful king who feared and served God. He took away all the pagan gods and commanded the people to seek and obey the one, true, and living God. And because he and the nation of Judah sought the Lord, the Lord gave them peace on every side. This was contrasted with the time period before when the nation did not seek God and had no peace at all. Furthermore, King Asa was humbly dependent upon the Lord when they were being attacked by their enemies and the Lord rewarded him by fighting for the nation of Judah and delivering them. As the I read this, the Lord pressed upon me the need to seek Him above all that is going on. He revealed to me that I didn’t have peace because I wasn’t looking to Him and depending upon Him. Instead, I was consumed with my circumstances, trying to handle everything on my own. One Thing was necessary – I needed turn my focus to the Lord. Only then would I have peace (Isaiah 26:3-4).

Then a few days later we had ReConnect at Rolling Fields (a special service we have when there is a 5th Sunday). Pastor Andy led us in a study of Psalm 22. We read through the psalm, noting the emotions that David felt and how he was focused on his circumstances, how  he would then turn his focus to the Lord and remember His faithfulness, only to switch back to focusing on his circumstances again (looks like he was on a roller coaster like me). He ended the psalm by re-directing and setting his gaze on the Lord and choosing to praise His name even though his circumstances had not changed. He remembered that God was working in his troubles for a purpose that he could not yet see, and He remembered that he had a responsibility to share God’s goodness and truth with others. He remembered that making God known among the nations was the aim. I needed to remember that too.

So I've been continually giving my cares to the Lord and slowly sharing them with others. And the Lord has been giving me His peace that surpassing all understanding (Philippians 4:6-8). The circumstances haven't really changed, but God has re-directed my focus. He is bigger than my circumstances. He is sovereign over my circumstances. And He has already gone before me into the future to work all of these things out for my good and His glory (Romans 8:28). There is no God like Him.

Therefore, preparing your minds for action, and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. 1 Peter 1:13

Gladdened Days

but, though he cause grief, he will have compassion
according to the abundance of his steadfast love - Lamentations 3:32

The verse has been running through my mind the past few weeks. It’s no secret that the last few years have been hard. The Lord has done much to cause grief, but He did so in order to show His compassion. He has been at work refining and pruning and disciplining and teaching and revealing through the various trials and difficulties He has allowed in my life. The lessons have been invaluable, and even though I may not be thankful for the circumstances themselves, I am thankful for all that the Lord did in me and through me because of them.

But these latter months have been different. The Lord has been pleased to bring more joyous occasions into mine and my family’s lives. Namely, both my sister and me are getting married this year. This is the gift of the Lord and many people have pointed out His kindness in bringing such happy circumstances into our lives after such a tough season. I couldn’t agree more. But, yet, I still have this underlying fear that this will all end badly too; that the hard lessons aren’t over. In essence, I am not trusting God or hoping in Him or believing that He is working for my good – which is sin. God has proven Himself over and over to be both good and faithful to me, but yet I still have troubling believing Him. When my focus is on Him and not my circumstances or fears or my inabilities or shortcomings, I can live in the freedom and joy and peace of all God is for me in Jesus Christ. But when my focus is elsewhere, fear and disbelief and mistrust takes over.

But even when I’m faltering, God is still kind and ever-willing to show Himself faithful. As Jerry Bridges says, whether I believe it or not, God is still working all things for my good just as He promises in Romans 8:28. And God has been ever so gracious to give me glimpses of that.

There are some pretty hard holidays/occasions coming up for me and my family that will remind us of the pain from last year. There are also several bridal showers. As I was looking at the calendar for the summer, I realized that every single occasion coming up was surrounded by a celebratory event. God had already gone before us. 

May 3 – Azalea Weekend in Frederickown, MO (Derby Weekend in Louisville): Last year, Kristi and I went home to MO to spend Azalea weekend with Dad. We had visions of the tractor pull and car show…but it was not to be. It was rainy and chilly that weekend and my dad was super sensitive to the cold because of the chemo. It was a disappointing weekend and it was hard to see my dad so frail and miserable. But this year was not disappointing. This year I got engaged. :)

Mother’s Day – Mom said this would be a hard day for her because Dad always got her a gift and card. This year the Lord worked it out that Kristi and I could spend the weekend with her. We went wedding dress shopping. We went out to eat. We watched a movie together. I also had a bridal shower.

Father’s Day – We weren’t home last year, but we did call our Dad. I can’t do that this year. For obvious reasons, this will be a hard day. This year, on the day prior to Father’s day, Kristi & James and Daniel & I plan to go to St. Louis to do each other’s engagement photos.

Dad’s Birthday (June 23rd) – Last year, Kristi and I went home for Dad’s birthday. It was also the start of my FMLA leave from work to take care of Dad. This year, we are going home to Missouri again, but this time for Kristi’s first bridal shower.

Fourth of July – Last year, Dad was extremely sick and was throwing up for days. Both he and I went into the hospital (different ones) on July 5th. This year, Rolling Fields is throwing me a bridal shower on July 6th.

Mom & Dad’s Wedding Anniversary (July 11th) – Not only is this Mom and Dad’s wedding anniversary, it was also the day that Dad had surgery last year and the day that the surgeon told us to call hospice. This year, I am throwing my sister a shower on July 12th.

September 3 – This will mark the one-year point since my dad’s death. Although, time does heal the wound, the pain is still very much there and so is the void. There actually isn’t an event this year to offset this date like those listed above, but both mine and my sister’s weddings (August 2nd and October 4th respectively) surround it perfectly. September 3rd is smack dab in the middle of those two dates.

Do you see the kindness of the Lord in this? We did not plan these dates, but He did. These were just the dates that “happened” to work best with our schedules or with the schedules of others. This is not to say that there won’t still be pain and tears and sorrow. There will be, but the Father is kind to give us something to celebrate in the midst of the sorrow. He is helping us make good memories in the midst of the painful ones. I’m not even that big on showers, but they are a celebration of something good that God is doing in our lives, of an earthly gift that the Lord is giving us, and of the future marriage union we believers will one day have with Christ.

My Turn

Rachel and Daniel :: Engaged! May 3, 2014

Chosen and Proven Love

Resurrection Weekend (aka Easter Weekend) and the days leading up to it flew by in a whirlwind of activity. I usually take some time during this time of year to reflect on what is known as Holy Week and to place special attention on the death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus Christ. I continued this tradition this year, but I wasn’t able to deeply reflect on the meaning of Easter as much as I would have liked.

Yet, God in His grace still helped me understand the depths of His love and the power of the gospel in a fresh way this year. He led me to a short Holy Week devotional called Love to the Uttermost by John Piper that helped greatly guide and focus my thoughts regarding the Easter story. This is the central and most crucial event in the Christian faith (as in, without it, we have no faith), so even though it deserves our constant reflection and attention, it is fitting to set aside specific time to ponder the depths of its reality and truth.

There seems to be several key words that encapsulate what God has been showing me about Jesus’ death and resurrection this year: joy, delight, choice, and love. All of them are related and all of them find their source in God, not in me – as in Jesus showed me it was the Father’s and His delight and joy and choice and love for Him to suffer, die on the cross, and then come back to life three days later. As Piper said over and over in his devotional, this extravagant love was a free love and it was driven by joy. The Father freely chose to send His Son to save rebellious, sinful people from eternal torment and separation from Him in hell, and the Son freely chose to give His live as a ransom for many (Mark 10:45). The greatest and truest expression of love is a love that is given freely, not out of duty or coercion.

It was the Father’s delight to send His Son as the perfect substitute for sinners (John 3:16; 1 John 3:9-11). He freely chose to do so. He chose to set His love on us, even though we were spiritually dead in our sins (Ephesians 1:3-10; 2:1-10). God was not under any obligation whatsoever to do this. There was nothing in us that was desirable or that warranted His attention or affection (Deuteronomy 7:7-8; 10:15). There was nothing we did or could do to earn His favor or love because even the good things we think we do are filthy according to His perfect standard (Isaiah 65:6; Romans 3:23). So God didn’t owe us anything that He should set His love on us or show us favor. 

Furthermore, it was Jesus’ delight to do His Father’s will (Psalm 40:8) and to save a people for Himself (Hebrews 12:2). He freely chose to die a gruesome death in order to do so. His life was His to give over to death and it was His to bring back from the dead (John 10:17-18). No one took His life from Him in the ultimate sense; He freely chose to lay it down. He freely chose to endure the cross because of the joy and glory and reward that was set before Him (Hebrews 12:2). That reward was a people from every tribe, tongue, nation, and people that would be His treasured possession and that would sing His praises forever and ever (Revelation 7:9-10). So God demonstrates His love through the death of His Son Jesus Christ to save a people for Himself.

But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8

What more can He do to prove His love for us (something God has asked me when I've doubted or questioned His love for me)? Nothing. The life, death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus Christ is the ultimate expression of God’s love for His chosen people. It is something we will never fully grasp or explore or exhaust, but it is real. And it’s reality is rooted in history: in the real, historical person of Jesus Christ of Nazareth. God’s love is not abstract. Not at all. It was displayed in the most critical event of all of human history. 

So God chose a people for Himself and then He pursues that people and rescues that people by sending His Son to die in their place in order that He can be with His people for all of eternity. That’s grace. That’s love – love that’s chosen and proven. That is love to the uttermost (John 13:1).

This is the center of the gospel—this is what the Garden
of Gethsemane and Good Friday are all about—that God
has done astonishing and costly things to draw us near. He
has sent his Son to suffer and to die so that through him
we might draw near. It’s all so that we might draw near.
And all of this is for our joy and for his glory. Piper, Love to the Uttermost (page 28)

On a slightly different note, I have been thinking about how the resurrection of Jesus on that first Easter morning gives us such hope for our future resurrection to life with Him. I have been thinking about this especially in regards to my dad. Because of Jesus’ victory over death and His resurrection, my dad too will have victory over death and will be raised to new life. Because of Jesus’ resurrection, I will one day be re-united with my dad…but in much, much better circumstances. :)

He will swallow up death forever;
and the Lord God will wipe away tears from all faces,
and the reproach of his people he will take away from all the earth,
for the Lord has spoken. Isaiah 25:8

How Deep

Today marks the 13^th year since God saved me. But I guess that is just from my finite point of view because, according to the Bible, God chose to save me long before time even began.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption as sons [and daughters] through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved. Ephesians 1:3-6

This morning God graciously overwhelmed me with His love and presence. I have been thinking about how God chose me to be His more and more lately. I think the relationship I’m currently in has prompted this. Even though dating/marriage relationships are finite, they do mirror God’s relationship to us in some respects, and this relationship has helped me to better understand God’s choosing and loving pursuit of me. I didn’t really do anything to earn the attention and pursuit of the man I’m dating (though, unlike God, he must have seen something attractive in me). He chose to pursue me and, for some reason, keeps choosing to do so. God, on the other hand, saw me before I was created, saw that I was a rebellious sinner in whom there is nothing good (Romans 7:18), and still chose to make me His, to pursue me and save me and love me. It was not because He saw anything in me worth saving or that I did anything to earn His favor or that He even looked into the future and saw that I would follow Him (because I wouldn’t have without His initiative first – 1 John 4:19). No. There was nothing in me that prompted Him choosing me to be His. He just chose to. That is called free grace – God giving me what I do not deserve at no cost whatsoever to me. I couldn’t earn it and didn’t even know I needed it or wanted it. But He gave it and He gave it freely. I do not even pretend to get or understand this.

For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die—but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:6-8

God shows His love for us in that WHILE we were STILL sinners, He sent His Son to die for us. We are not good in and of ourselves. This is what this passage is saying. We might be willing to die for the people we love or for someone who is a good person, but the love of Christ is deeper than that. He gave His life not only for those who aren’t good (Romans 3:10-11), but for His enemies (Romans 5:10), for those who deserved His punishment and anger (John 3:36). This is like giving your live to save an Adolf Hitler or a Timothy McVey. We wouldn't do that. But the love of Christ is radical.

I realize more and more the truth that there is nothing good in me apart from Christ (Romans 7:18); that there is nothing in me to commend me to God. But the love of Christ is deep. It is deep enough to cover the deep crevices of sin that lurk in my heart (sin that I don’t even know exists). It is deep enough to cover my limited view of His grace and love. It is deep enough to cover the entirety of my life: from my first breath to my last; all my fears and failures…to cover all of me. Whatever may be my trial or temptation or lot, Christ love is deeper still. He interrupted the darkness that was my life and spoke His light into it (2 Corinthians 4:6). He specializes in such interruptions. I once was dead in my sins, following the course of this world, being ruled by the prince of the power of the air (Ephesians 2:1-2). I once was not on a path that would inherit God’s kingdom (1 Corinthians 6:9-10). I once was one who did not believe in God and disobeyed His Word (1 Peter 2:7-8). Then come the great “buts” of Scripture:

• But God, because of His great love and mercy, made me alive in Christ Jesus (Ephesians 2:5)
• But God washed me clean of sin and sanctified me and justified me in Christ by the Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 6:11)
• But God chose me as His own possession, to be a part of His chosen race (1 Peter 2:9)
• But God shows His love for me in that while I was still a sinner, Christ died for me (Romans 5:8)

The depth of the love of Christ initiates, provides for, and secures these things. This is not something I even pretend to grasp – and I think I need to be further along in my grasp of it than I am – but it is something that I pray to grow in as I continue to walk with the Lord. It is a prayer that I believe the Lord is answering.

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father…that according to the riches of his glory, he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Ephesians 3:14, 16-19

Seek & Find

You're calling me to lay aside the worries of my day
To quiet down my busy mind and find a hiding place – from the song Unashamed Love

God has been calling me to commune with Him and, to my shame, I have been rather slow in responding. I’m so easily distracted and so easily pleased. Ministry can be distracting. Relationships can be distracting. Change can be distracting. Burdens can be distracting. Anything really can be distracting. It doesn’t take much to lure my mind and affections away from Christ.

Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me.” But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.” Luke 10:40-42

Oh, how many times has the Lord applied this verse to me! Like the old hymn goes, “Prone to wander, Lord I feel it.” And I do feel it. But what’s awesome is that the Lord is never distracted. His pursuit of His children is constant. He is gentle, never forceful, but He is persistent, and He will do whatever it takes to help us to see how much we need Him.  

The Lord has been reminding me through sermons and Scripture of His desire for intimacy with me. He is not so much concerned with me serving Him as He is with me knowing Him. The former naturally and beautifully flows out of the latter. The God of the universe wants to meet with me. Whoa. Over and over we see in Scripture the command and call to seek God. “Come to Me.” “Abide in Me.” “Seek Me.” “Delight in Me.” And when we do so, He promises we’ll find Him. He promises to meet with us. He promises to give us Himself.

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. Revelation 21:3

So after becoming weary and worn and unsettled, I have finally started responding to the Lord’s call by carving out more time to spend with Him, taking thoughts captive, and meditating on His promises. I am in no way saying that this is works-based. The amount of time I spend with the Lord does not affect my standing with Him. Jesus does not favor me more or less (as hard as that is for me to grasp!) if I spend 2 hours with Him or none at all. But how can I clearly discern His voice, how can I be strengthened and refreshed in His presence, how can I abide in His love and peace, if I do not seek His face, soak in His Word, or desire His presence? His love and favor and grace and mercy are never failing and He lavishes them upon us, but we do have a part to play. We are commanded to ”seek His presence continually” (Psalm 105:4). And we cannot do that apart from the means which God gave us; by relying on His Spirit to illumine His Word as we read it and direct our prayers as we raise them. He is worthy of us seeking Him with our whole heart. He is worthy of such attention and devotion. Our search will be rewarded. We will find Him (for He is very near - Psalm 145:18) and we will not be disappointed.

Where to Set Your Hope

And now, O Lord, for what do I wait?
My hope is in you. Psalm 39:7

It has been about 10 years since I sensed God calling me to serve Him overseas. Yet here I am still in the United States, learning much, being further prepared and refined, waiting to be deployed. After struggling with the idea of leaving my family and the familiarity and comfort of life in Southeast Missouri (not to mention the United States) and talking to my pastor and telling my parents, I surrendered to the Lord’s beckoning and began to seek Him for the next step. My reluctance quickly changed to eagerness to pack up and go. But that wasn’t the next step that God had for me. I mean, I was to pack up and go, but it wasn’t to go to a foreign country; it was to move to Louisville, Kentucky, for further schooling. I didn’t know it at the time, but I had a lot to learn (and unlearn). So the Lord led me to Louisville to study at Southern Seminary and, as much as I wanted to be done with school, I absolutely loved my time at Southern.

When I graduated 3 years ago (where does the time go?!), I thought, “Finally. It’s time to go.” So I started the application process to serve abroad. Yet here I am still in Louisville, Kentucky. I still had (have) much to learn (and relearn), but this time the lessons came outside of a formal education. The classroom this time was life and Jesus walked (and carried) me through some of the most difficult years of my life in order to humble me and test me; to teach me to hunger for Him and depend on Him and feed from His Word (Deuteronomy 8:2-5).

Looking back, I can see the Lord's great wisdom and kindness in keeping me in the States as He has. There is no doubt that I am where I am supposed to be in this moment. For how long, I do not know, but the Lord continues to tell me to wait. And so that is what I will do until I receive my marching orders. Even though just a few months ago, I thought I might be leaving soon, God has made it clear that that is not the plan for the immediate future. There are several things happening in my life that make it clear that I should wait: my mom's health, my sister's engagement, something else (or should I say someone) that has entered my life...

Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12

So why I am rambling about and recounting all this? It’s because it is so easy to shift my hope, my aim, as I seek to follow the Lord and be obedient to what I believe He has called me to. It’s so easy to place my hope in the plan He may have for me or in circumstances or in relationships or in whatever I think God may be doing instead of in God Himself. But the truth is every single other thing will disappoint. Every single one. People disappoint. Ministry is hard. Plans get derailed. Circumstances change. But Christ is a sure foundation and hope. He will never disappoint. Sure, those who long for His coming may feel the reality of the proverb above, but they are still assured that it will be realized. Every other hope that is deferred will make our heart sick, but also sad and given to despair because all hope apart from Christ is not guaranteed.

The Lord has been reminding me of this lately. I can become so discontent with my job as I greatly desire to be in full-time ministry. I can become so frustrated with all the seemingly endless roadblocks to going overseas. I can become so weary in trusting God for direction. I can become so faint in praying and believing for my mom’s healing. I can become so impatient in waiting for things to unfold. But none of those things are the ultimate foundation and end goal of my hope (though I lose sight of that at times). I am not to pin my hope on full-time ministry or serving God overseas or in the prospect of marriage. None of which are bad desires in and of themselves, but they all point to something greater. The fulfillment of them can satisfy for a time. They may add to the tree of life mentioned in the proverb above, but they are not the tree of life. They do not give life; only Christ does that. He IS life. In the Christian life, Hope is a Person and His name is Jesus Christ. The Apostle Peter tells us believers to set our hope fully on Christ (1 Peter 1:13). He alone can satisfy completely and endlessly. Ministry and overseas service and marriage find their meaning and purpose and aim in Him. “For from Him and to Him and through Him are all things” (Romans 11:36).

So the verse I started this post with rings true. “And now, O Lord, for what do I wait?” In actuality I am waiting on a lot: direction, clarity, confirmation, my mom’s healing, fruit in ministry, Jesus’ return/going to be with Him…But what I’m waiting on doesn’t really matter ultimately. God is working out all the details of fulfillment when it comes to those things. And as I wait for Him to act instead of looking to the circumstances themselves, He promises to give me strength (Psalm 40:31). So then what am I really waiting for? Because “my hope is in You.” I need not wait on them, but on Him. These other things pale in comparison to knowing Jesus and being known my Him. It’s hard to keep that truth central and my focus where it should be, but this should be the aim and foundation of my life and I pray continually that it is. 

Whom have I in heaven but you?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. Psalm 73:25

Jesus, make this true of me.

Two things: My mom is visiting me and my sister for a week!

Also, today marks the 6th month since my dad’s passing. If you don’t mind, please say a quick prayer for me and my family. 

The Weight of Beauty

Obesophobia or Pocrescophobia = the fear of gaining weight

I recently saw an article about the high percentage of teenage girls who have a fear of gaining weight. The article called this fear “weight terror,” but it’s technical phobia name is above (which I just Googled to find out). I know this fear all too well. It’s been about ten years since I found myself in the midst of a struggle with what the psychological word calls a subclinical eating disorder. I have already written some about this, but this article as well as some other readings have prompted me to reflect on how the Lord rescued me from a prison of disordered eating – a prison I had unwittingly created for myself. And, honestly, there are still times I am tempted to fall into those old patterns of thinking; patterns that lead to nothing but destruction.

There are many heart issues and sinful desires that prompt and propel eating disorders. Most of the time you hear of women talk about wanting more control in their lives, and food and weight seem to be the only area of their lives where they seem like they have control. But that is not the case for all who struggle with their body image and that was not the case with me. Mine stemmed from an intense fear of becoming fat, which is no doubt a fruit of pride and fear of man, but was fueled by the standards of beauty in our culture and the standards of beauty in my own family. Even though my dad never directed any comments toward me regarding my looks or my weight, I took his comments regarding the weights of people on TV or people in real life to heart. Whether consciously or subconsciously, I took those comments to mean one thing: to be fat means losing my dad’s approval (and the approval of others). My dad had no idea he was sending this message with his comments and my sister didn’t pick up on that same message, but for some reason I did and it influenced the way I saw myself and the standards I set for myself regarding food, my weight, and my body image.

This is not to say that people who struggle with weight/food/body image are not responsible for their actions. We are. We may not be responsible for the messages we receive or the pressure we feel to be thin or look a certain way, but we are responsible to how we react, what we do with what we hear and feel. We are responsible for the priority we place of food and weight. We are responsible for making it our idol and letting it consume us. And consume us it will if God and others do not intervene.

Some were fools through their sinful ways,
and because of their iniquities suffered affliction;
they loathed any kind of food,
and they drew near to the gates of death.
Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble,
and he delivered them from their distress.
He sent out his word and healed them,
and delivered them from their destruction.
Let them thank the Lord for his steadfast love,
for his wondrous works to the children of man!
And let them offer sacrifices of thanksgiving,
and tell of his deeds in songs of joy! Psalm 107:17-22

It is no secret that thinness is one of the standards of beauty in our culture (and in much of the Western, developed world). Models, Hollywood, and even cartoon characters all praise women who have tiny waists. Skinniness and other standards of beauty in our culture are exploited at almost every turn: billboards, commercials, magazine ads, etc. Each one sends a message to both men and women. Scantily clad women abound in our culture, each presenting the woman’s body as an object to be desired or exploited or coveted. One of the many ills of feminism I suppose. Men are not the only ones affected by such sexualized ads; women also are affected. We are presented with a standard that is impossible to attain. I cannot compete with the women in advertisements, but, then again, neither can the models who are actually in the advertisements. The truth is that the printed images are lies. The women in those ads have been airbrushed and photoshopped to perfection. They are thinner and tanner; they’re blemishes and cellulite and stretch marks have been erased; their eyes have been widened and their legs lengthened. Even they cannot compete with their own falsified images. But that is the standard of beauty nonetheless and every woman, to some extent, feels the pressure to conform to it.

But those are the things that are seen. The Bible tells us to focus on what is unseen. The Bible gives and lifts up a different standard for women; one that focuses on a woman’s dignity and character. There are many women in the Bible who are described as being beautiful (Sarah, Rebekah, Bathsheba, Esther, etc.), but it is their character that gives them true beauty. This inner beauty is what God invites women to strive for and men to look for. External beauty pales in comparison (and is temporary anyway).

Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear—but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. 1 Peter 3:3-4

So, once again, our culture and our world have the focus all wrong. And I suppose the marring of and exploitation of beauty will only grow worse as our society continues to lose its moral compass (because how can you focus on the unseen, inner beauty when you don't even have a standard of what is truly good and lovely and right?). Outer beauty is fleeting. Standards of beauty change. But God’s Word never changes; it abides forever (1 Peter 1:24-25). And God’s Word says that God looks at the heart (1 Samuel 16:7) and that beauty is vain (Proverbs 31:30) and that cultivating inner beauty is precious to the Lord (1 Peter 3:4). The world looks at the outer appearance, but the Lord looks at the inward disposition of the heart. The former passes away like the flower of the field, but the latter remains forever when it is a heart truly given over to and made new by Christ.

Exciting News!

Kristi and James :: Engaged! February 14, 2014

“Ears You Have Dug for Me”

This world is broken. I hear/read about it every day. I experience it in ministry. I see it in my own heart. The world is broken. People are broken. I am broken.

I am broken and I have been broken (Hosea 6:1). The Lord has done a lot in my life over the last three years to bring me to where I am now. Even though I would not want to relive the heartaches, pains, and disappointments of the last few years, I wouldn’t trade the lessons for anything. God knows the best way to get the attention of each of His children. Out of a heart of compassion and mercy, He sometimes allows His people to experience suffering and difficult times to refine them, increase their faith, and reveal even more of Himself to them. These have been some of the results I have seen in my own life.

It is good for me that I was afflicted,
that I might learn your statutes…
If your law had not been my delight,
I would have perished in my affliction. Psalm 119:71, 92

I noticed during my time in South Asia, as I was teaching ESL to Muslims who opposed the truth of Christ, that the Lord was deepening my faith in His Word. It was an inner strength I could feel building within me as I defended God’s Truth and based my life on His Word. This conviction only deepened during the hardships I later faced and I have seen the mercy of God use it to give me a boldness and firmness when sharing the gospel that I had never had before. I believe this firmness and boldness is a direct result of all that God has allowed me to go through recently. It is a result of being forced to depend on God for everything; of realizing that I am not self-sufficient and that I need Him for everything – truths I knew mentally but wasn’t living out in my day-to-day life. But one of God’s many graces is that He does not let us live in self-deception; believing the lie that we are okay the way we are. He brings our sins to the forefront so that we might turn from them and experience more of the “abundant life” that He offers us in Christ (John 10:10). This abundant life does not necessarily mean a life of material things or comfort and ease, but one that is living in intimate communion with the Lord of the universe—Jesus Christ. He is Life and Freedom and Joy and the source of every good thing (James 1:17). And the way to know Him intimately is through His Word, the Bible.

Your words were found, and I ate them,
and your words became to me a joy
and the delight of my heart,
for I am called by your name,
O Lord, God of hosts. Jeremiah 15:16

And so through my time in South Asia and recent trials, the words of God have become to me a joy and the delight of my heart – just as the Prophet Jeremiah said above. I love God’s Word. It is the primary way in which God speaks to me and it is the foundation of all I do and believe. It is the only absolute truth (1 Peter 1:24-25) and tells us all we need to know about God, ourselves, our world, and how we can be saved from the punishment we deserve (2 Timothy 3:16-17). The Word of God is food for my soul; indeed, it is more important than the food I eat. I can go longer without food than without Scripture. My soul begins to shrivel rather quickly if I go more than one day without feasting on God’s Word.

And he humbled you and let you hunger and fed you with manna, which you did not know, nor did your fathers know, that he might make you know that man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. Deuteronomy 8:3

But feeding on God’s Word does not happen by accident. It takes intentionality and discipline. It also take the help of the Lord (remember: we are dependent upon Him for everything). He gives us the desire and will. He – as the psalmist says – opens our ear to hear and understand His Word (Psalm 40:6; also Job 33:16). Literally in the Hebrew the phrase “open ear” means “ears you have dug for me.” I like that imagery. Sometimes God’s digs ears for us through affliction (like Psalm 119:71 above) or trials or other circumstances. We may have physical ears, but Jesus has to give us spiritual ears so that we can hear His voice, understand His words – ears trained to contain His truth and long for His truth. That is why I think the imagery of digging works so well. Our spiritual ears must be opened and dug deep to contain the greatness of God’s Word. I guess God could just open our ears in an instant…but I doubt we would treasure His Word so much without the journey it takes to make us depend upon and treasure His Word. We (or maybe it’s just me) usually don’t learn the lesson of dependence easily.

So this year I have decided to read through the Bible using a chronological reading plan. I also plan to study the book of Psalms in depth (because I need more than just four chapters a day). I encourage you to make a plan for reading the Bible this year as well if you haven’t already. It’s only January 19th, so it’s not too late to start. You won’t regret it. I promise. :)

2014: His Purposes Will Ripen Fast

Last year when I was writing my blog post reflecting on 2012 and looking forward to 2013, I titled it “Trust Him for His Grace.” When I wrote that I had in mind trusting God for good things, pleasant circumstances, a better year. But the Lord had something different in mind. The title still deemed to prove true, though; just in a different respect. This year proved to be much harder than 2012, but God’s grace was just as sufficient. The dependence I had learned in the previous year only deepened as this year slowly unfolded. And while the circumstances didn’t lighten or become favorable (indeed, they grew quite grim), Christ was still very much present and still very much in control. In fact, the details of the events were too perfect to not to have been ordained by God.

By sovereign grace, He places you in daily, little moments that are designed to take you beyond your character, wisdom, and grace so that you will seek the help and hope that can only be found in Him. In a lifelong process of change, He is undoing you and rebuilding you again — exactly what each one of us needs. Paul Tripp, “Trading One Dramatic Resolution for 10,000 Little Ones”

So God is constantly at work in each of our lives. Nothing escapes His notice and nothing catches Him by surprise. Everything in our lives in under His sovereign control and He has loving and just purposes for everything He allows to happen. Nothing is arbitrary or random. There is no such thing as luck or fortune or happenstance. Jesus Christ is intimately involved in every detail, upholding all things by the word of His power (Hebrews 1:3). And for those who are believers, this involvement is for our good. I find much hope and comfort and strength in that. Nothing in my life is random; all of it is totally meaningful because Jesus Christ is risen and reigning and ruling over my life in such as way as to make all things work together for my good and, ultimately, to make me more like Himself (Romans 8:28-29). This is His will for me and every other believer.

So Jesus will continue His work of “undoing me and rebuilding me again” as this new year unfolds. The circumstances will look different, but the purposes remain the same. I have no idea what kind of joys and heartaches await me in 2014, but Christ does and His grace is more than sufficient for every one of them. As this new year begins, I have many things to pray about and consider. The Lord has had me in this waiting period for several years now and it seems that His plans and purposes for the next phase of my life are about to be revealed. So, as I look to 2014, I am going to continue the William Cowper theme from last year. The speed at which things are progressing regarding the near future and the decisions I need to make regarding them, lead me to believe that God's purposes are going to ripen fast. I don’t even pretend know what those purposes are (because they are usually far different than I expect), but I feel pretty sure that God is fixing to unveil them...and I'm pretty excited about that. 

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust Him for His grace;
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.
His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flower. William Cowper, “God Moves in Mysterious Ways”