2017: Brand New Territory

This year has been a whirlwind of changes and challenges. I usually write a New Year's post and a post reflecting on my new birth in Christ (which was Saturday). Time has been limited - and so has mental clarity - and writing has taken a setback to many other things. While I have a few moments to spare (and this is my third day working on this), I thought I would combine my three annual posts (New Year's, spiritual birthday, and Easter) into one. 

So much has happened since I last had the opportunity to write. This year literally began with change as we moved to Tuscaloosa, Alabama, on January 1 for Daniel's new job. I was seven months pregnant at the time. We have had a lot of change in a very short amount of time (new job for Daniel, new church family, new city, new routines, new house, and a new baby). My introverted and routine-oriented self is still coming to grips with it all. Almost nothing is familiar, which is why I titled this post "Brand New Territory." 

As much as I did not enjoy living in the city of Pittsburgh, it was very painful to leave our church family and dear friends at Renaissance. God used the leadership there as well as the members to grow us in what it means to live by grace, to point others to grace, and to live in deep community with other believers. I miss them so much.

One of our biggest fears in leaving Renaissance was that we wouldn't be able to find a church where living in community with out believers was so central. The Lord was so very kind to connect us to Safe Have Church - Big Sandy the first week we arrived in Tuscaloosa. It wasn't long before the Lord started giving us new friends and opportunities to serve within the church. Even though the people there hardly knew us, they took it upon themselves to take care of us when we arrived and when our son was born. It will take time to develop the depths of friendships that we crave, but we are excited for what God has in store for us in and through this local body of believers. 

During the first month, I spent most of my time cleaning our new house (yep - we're home owners now!) and making it feel like home. I wanted to do a lot of the deep cleaning before our baby boy was born. I thought I had more time than I did, but he surprised us by coming two and a half weeks early. Justus Garrison* was born on Valentine's Day, weighing in at 8 pounds, 10 ounces. 

This is not only new territory for us, but uncharted territory. 

I expect this new year to keep up the theme of new territory as we settle in here and grow in parenting Justus. Even though we don't really have to teach him much in the way of verbal lessons, we can already see our lack of wisdom and strength for this awesome task.

As almost everyone had warned us, the first few weeks were rough. Add to this the fact that Justus was admitted into the hospital when he was two weeks old with omphalitis (an infection in his umbilical cord stump). He was in the hospital for a total of 9 days. It was a very difficult and dark time. It was so hard to see him poked and prodded so much. He had to receive strong doses of IV antibiotics and his IV blew 4 times. Every time they had to do a new IV, they had to stick him multiple times before they could get it to take. It was almost unbearable to watch. I struggled with understanding how this could be for Justus's good and became angry at God as the week wore on for allowing everything to be so hard and painful. He reminded me that He knew intimately what it was like to watch His Son suffer. 

Indeed, that is why we celebrate Easter. God was not only willing for His Son to suffer to save a people for Himself, but He ordained it (Isaiah 53). I confess that this truth, as marvelous as it is, only brought me a little comfort at the time. My heart was embittered towards my heavenly Father for what He was permitting to happen to Justus. I have since repented of my hardness of heart and apathetic spirit - which is why Jesus had to die, to save hard-hearted sinners like me. The cross of Christ proves the depths of God's love for me, even though I had lost sight of that at the time.

I mentioned that Saturday was my spiritual birthday - the day when Jesus Christ gave me new spiritual life (John 3). It has now been 16 years of following the Lord. As I grow in faith and in the knowledge of Him, I realize more and more how much I need His grace. He saved me by His grace and He sustains me by His grace. I bring nothing to the table, except the sin that required His death on my behalf. The Lord reminded me today as I reflected on Him saving me that it is only by His grace that I still believe in Him. It's only by His grace that I did not walk away from the Christian faith when enduring that dark week at the hospital with Justus. We never outgrow our need for the gospel. We need it to save us from our sin and bring us to God and we need it to continue believing in God until we reach Heaven, where our faith will become sight. Reflecting on these truths helps me see Easter, as well as my spiritual birthday, in a different light. These were not just events that happened in the past, but they are events that continue to impact the here and now. 

As Christians, we have much to rejoice in as we think about the Lenten season leading up to Resurrection Sunday. Our sins have been paid for. We have been redeemed. Perfect obedience has been imputed to us. We have been made right with God. We have been adopted as His sons and daughters forever. We have been given the Holy Spirit to lead and guide us. And God Himself will see to it that we endure in faith until the end. Celebrate God's grace with me this Easter season. Without it, we would be hopeless and dead in our sins. But God, being rich in mercy, made us alive together with Christ (Ephesians 2:4-5)!

Photo credit: Gary Franklin Photography (www.garyfranklinphoto.com)

*We chose the name Justus (besides the fact that we just liked the name) because we liked its meaning ("just"). Plus, I liked how it was a biblical name (though not a common one). Garrison is a play off my dad's name, Gary, and means "fortified stronghold" and "son of Gary." 

Death Changes Everything

Death changes everything. It interrupts daily life. It changes relationships. It alters family traditions. It leaves an unfillable void. Nothing seems to be the same in its wake. And, as time goes on, it seems as if you see how much impact the death of a loved one has on the entire family.

Yesterday, was my Grandma Hovis's funeral (dad's mom). And, even though it was her funeral, I mourned more for my dad than for her. There were too many similarities: same funeral home, same preacher, and same graveyard. It's amazing what still catches me off guard and brings me to tears regarding my dad. I knew how the service would go for the most part, but I wasn't prepared for these words in my Grandma's obituary, which was read out loud: "Proceeded in death by...Gary Hovis." I lost it. It was such a stark reminder of what seems to be not fair - parents burying their children - and of my own personal loss. My grandparents, though, have buried three children and lost numerous other relatives over the years. They were, unfortunately, well acquainted with loss and grief.

My grandma: Naomi Hovis (1923-2016)

My Grandma Hovis professed to be a believer in Jesus Christ, so she, like my dad, finally has her Reward. We can all mourn with hope because she is not gone forever. She is experiencing no more suffering and no more pain. And she has her mind back (oh the joy!). She has been reunited with all those whom she knew who were also believers. They are all rejoicing together as they worship Jesus Christ and rest in His glorious presence. More than seeing lost loved ones, more than escaping this messed up world, more than experiencing wholeness and healing and sinlessness and relief, the true prize of Heaven is being with Jesus and experiencing unbroken and unending fellowship with Him; of seeing Him face to face in all of His glory.

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God. Matthew 5:8
Well done, good and faithful servant...enter into the joy of your Master. Matthew 25:23
In [God's] presence, there is fullness of joy; at [God's] right hand are pleasures forevermore. Psalm 16:11
"Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be His people, and God Himself with be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall me no more, neither shall there me mourning nor crying nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away...Behold, I am making all things new." Revelation 21:3-5

So I don't know how things will change in my family now that my grandma is gone. There is much healing to be done. For my grandpa, who was married to her for 66 years, everything has changed. He' the one I feel for most. He can't stay by himself, so not only is his wife and companion gone, but he also has a different caregiver and different home. Things will never be the same for him. Pray for him, please.

In some ways, the Hovis family is still reeling and healing from the loss of my dad (over two years ago now). Relationships look different than they did then. There is more bickering and more bitterness and more interpersonal conflict, it seems, among the siblings. People just don't seem to be as close, and it makes my heart sad. I am not saying that my dad made his family perfect, but he did seem to be a stabilizer or peacemaker of sorts. He had a way of speaking wisdom and clarity into situations. He also spoke his mind. And I am sure he would have some things to say about the turmoil that is happening within different families in the Hovis clan. But, I cannot change how things are and I shouldn't mourn over what could be. God, in His great wisdom and grace, has seen fit to ordain things the way He has. I cannot hope in my family or in situations getting better, but I can hope in the One who makes all things new and who can bring wholeness out of brokenness. He has a plan for me and my relatives - for all of us. Let us seek Him first and He will take care of these other things. Maybe (and hopefully) God will use these losses to turn many hearts in my family to Him. Oh what a day that will be!

2015: Open Mind and Heart

As I mentioned in yesterday’s belated Christmas post, this year was full of changes. When I wrote my New Year’s post for 2014, I labeled it, “His Purposes Will Ripen Fast,” and boy was that accurate. God purposes did ripen fast, so much so that I ended the year in a new city with a new job and a new last name. Not only that, but my sister got married as well.

When I wrote that post, I could sense that God was about to unfold some of His plans, but I had no idea what direction He was taking me. It was a whirlwind of change that left me reeling at the end of the year and slightly unsettled. Besides lavishing me with His grace and guiding my every step, He also used this season of change to expose some deep-rooted sins. At the heart of them all, though, was the fact that I was not trusting Jesus’ wisdom or love or goodness. I was clinging to my own preconceived notions of what my life should look like with a tight fist as God began breaking me down piece by piece, exposing a heart full of fear and pride and doubt.

But God is a compassionate and loving heavenly Father who knows perfectly how to discipline and redirect and guide and encourage His children (Hebrews 12:5-11). He does not delight in causing us grief (Lamentations 3:32-33), but He does know that sometimes He has to break us down in order to built us back up (Hosea 6:1). I am not pretending that I have “arrived” as far as being broken down or that I’m now in the building-back-up phase; but I do believe that this is what the Lord is currently doing in my life. And with it, He has been slowly bringing me back to who He is and what He has done, to His incomprehensible love and grace.

One of the biggest joys of 2014, of course, was that God answered my prayers for a husband, proving that His timing and will is perfect. He brought Daniel into my life last November and we went on our first date beginning on New Year’s Eve and ending in the wee hours of the morning on New Year’s Day (so one year ago today). Jesus’ grace is so evident in the man that He chose to be my husband; bringing someone into my life that was abundantly more than I could have imagined or hoped for (Ephesians 3:20).

With marriage came many changes all at once (moving, new job, new church, new responsibilities), but the most difficult is the obscurity of the future. I have been on the path to serve God overseas for so long, with a specific goal and vision in mind, thinking my life was going to look a certain way, but now all of that has changed. I mean, my husband and I still want to go overseas, but what that looks like could take so many forms and almost completely destroys all of my preconceived ideas. This has been hard for me. It has also been hard realizing that I am not as open to whatever God has for me as I thought I was or said I was. This is a recent realization and conviction and I am just now beginning the journey of asking the Lord for a posture of heart that is open to whatever it is He wants for us. [Though the new possibilities are exciting! ;)]

As 2014 came to a close, I struggled a lot. My poor husband had to endure my weekly breakdowns as I was wavering in my faith and struggling to look past my pain and circumstances. Underlying most of it, I believe, was the fact that I was still grieving. When the one year mark came of my dad’s death, I expected for things to be better, but instead it felt worse. I had more questions than I had before, had trouble trusting God’s wisdom in taking him, and my heart hurt incessantly. Thankfully, God brought a little booklet across my path that reassured me that this was normal (because, to make matters worse, I was down on myself for still struggling) and that I needed to allow myself to grieve (which I wasn’t doing). So I have been trying to do a better job of sharing with my husband these struggles and this pain, and he has been more than gracious and supportive through it all. Daniel has been one of God’s means of grace and comfort through all this.

What 2015 has in store, I have no clue. I pray that it is a year of tremendous growth in trusting the Lord and that He shows me how to best serve Him in this city. One thing I do know, and I’m starting to cling to, is that whatever this new year brings, good or bad, Jesus Christ is in control of it all and He has good and glorious purposes behind each and every circumstance. He who calls us is faithful and we can surely trust Him.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11 

Weddings and a Funeral

A lot has changed in my family in the past year. There have been some very joyous occasions, but also some very heart-wrenching ones. All of which were determined and designed by a loving God (Job 2:10; Romans 8:28). My sister and I both got engaged earlier this year. I got married a month ago yesterday and she gets married a month from tomorrow. Yesterday also marked two weeks since I moved to Pittsburgh with my new husband. It's been a whirlwind to say the least.

But while we did gain two new members to our family, a year ago today, we also lost one - the pain of which can still be keenly felt. Even though I have tried not to dwell on the memories leading up to my dad's death, everything within me has been very aware that the anniversary of his passing was coming. He started appearing in my dreams two weeks ago, which is probably why I haven't been sleeping well, and there have been so many things that remind me of him. I can't help but reflect back to this time last year as he slowing slipped away...The emotions and memories of which are still very real and raw.

It was hard not having my dad at my wedding. It was hard to have someone else walk me down the aisle and give me away (although I am very thankful that my uncle, my dad's brother, did). It was hard not to have my dad involved in the details and days leading up to the wedding and the move, and it's hard that he will never get to meet Daniel.

Sarah Ayer Photography

But God's grace is sufficient for these things. He helped me find ways to remember and honor my dad in the midst of his absence. I was able to work through some of these emotions the weekend before the wedding, and the Lord filled me with His perfect peace the day of the wedding so that I was not battling sorrow in the midst of the joy. I wrote a poem for my dad for my wedding. It was a way to express what I was feeling and to remind myself of the Hope that both his death and my wedding point to:

"Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be His people, and God Himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away. And He who was seated on the throne said, 'Behold, I am making all things new.'" (Revelation 21:3-5).

In Loving Memory of Gary Lynn Hovis 

(June 23, 1953 - September 3, 2013)

I wish you were here, Dad,

to experience this day

to walk me down the aisle,

and to give me away.

I wish you were here, Dad,

your presence in this place,

so we could dance at the reception,

so I could kiss your face.

But God in his goodness, Dad, (Psalm 119:68)

took you Home to be with Him (2 Corinthians 5:8)

So we trust God for His wisdom

when our understanding's dim. (Proverbs 3:5-6)

I know you're worshiping with us, Dad,

with the rest of the saints above (Hebrews 12:23)

as we magnify the Lord Jesus

and celebrate His love. 

You won’t return to me, Dad,

but I will go to you. (2 Samuel 2:23)

And then we’ll celebrate together

the Wedding this day looks forward to. (Revelation 19:6-8)

Sarah Ayer Photography

It Takes the Church

Wow. I can’t believe it's almost been two months since my last post - a testament to the craziness of the last few months. During that time I quit my job at Southern (July 25th), got married (August 2nd), and moved to Pittsburgh (August 19th) where my husband (!) just started a Ph.D. at Duquesne (August 25th). I am just now starting to feel like I can catch my breath.

There are so many things I could blog about, but I wanted to take time to focus on the faithfulness of God shown through His people, the church, to make my marriage ceremony to Daniel Hurst happen.

It is true that God cares about the most minute details of life. I experienced that firsthand. Jesus says that our heavenly Father feeds the birds and that He adorns the flowers with their many colors, shapes, and sizes (Matthew 6:25-33). How much more will He care for His children for whom He sent His Son Jesus to die…and care for them in every single detail of their lives (John 3:16; 2 Corinthians 9:8; Philippians 4:19)?

Daniel and I wanted Jesus to be put on display through our wedding ceremony (and most importantly our marriage), so we covered every detail of it with prayer. And God answered and provided. We wanted the ceremony to be a worship service that was full of God’s joy and peace and we wanted to honor God with our resources (i.e. we didn't want to spend a lot of money or have an elaborate ceremony). And God honored those desires. When choosing colors and cake and such, neither of us were set on any particular ideal. We were both very open to whatever the Lord might have for us. As I prayed about details, ideas would just “come to my mind.” For example: while looking at wedding cakes (which apparently are very expensive), I didn’t want to spend over $200. Everything I found was around $300 for a three-tier cake and sheet cake. I don’t even like cake. So I talked to the Lord about this and, as I was falling asleep one evening, the thought came, “What about a two-tier cake?” The next day, Daniel and I went to Whole Foods (who we heard had decently-priced wedding cakes). Each Whole Foods is different, and the one in Louisville was just starting to tap into the wedding-cake industry. Since that hadn’t launched, they could only do two-tier cakes for $50. Sold. And it turned out beautifully (especially after Daniel’s sister added the flowers).

Sarah Ayer Photography

That is just one example of many of how the Lord guided and provided. But what’s even better than that is how God’s people came together to make our wedding day happen. My bridesmaids and other Christian sisters let me borrow things to use as décor or connected me to people who had what I needed/wanted AND they did a lot of the work. I honestly could care less about decorating and such (not my forte), but these women were more than eager, not to mention joyful, to help in any way they could.

The same can be said about our church family, Rolling Fields Church. There was a buzz of excitement in the air throughout the church body leading up to our wedding day. There were so many people who helped out behind the scenes before, during, and after the ceremony: setting the stage, setting up chairs and tables for the rehearsal dinner and reception, preparing and serving food at the reception, making the bouquets and floral arrangements…I can’t help thinking that last year, Rolling Fields wept with those who wept, and how this year, they rejoiced with those who rejoiced (Romans 12:15). They practically showed the love of Christ to Daniel and me – and still continue to do so even though we’ve moved away.

The day of the wedding, everything just seemed to “fall into place” (Psalm 37:5). The rain moved out that morning just in time for outdoor pictures, and the Lord provided the beautiful weather for which we had prayed. Jesus filled me with His peace throughout the day and His presence was evident in our ceremony. Many people commented on how the ceremony pointed to Jesus – which is what we had deeply desired and prayed for (Psalm 37:4). To Him be the glory.

Sarah Ayer Photography

So this is why I titled this blog “It Takes the Church.” Could we have pulled off this wedding day on our own? Probably so, but it would have taken more time and money, been more stressful (because it turned out to be rather stress-free) and less joyful, and we wouldn’t have had the blessings of watching the church be the church to us. And these brothers and sisters not only invested in our wedding day, they invested into our lives and into our marriage, which they were rightly more concerned about. So in saying “It takes the church,” I am saying it takes the body of Christ expressed in the form of the local church body (not the building – though that was useful for our ceremony :). And that’s the way it should be, right? Because, after all, the wedding ceremony is a picture and foretelling of the Great Wedding to come: the marriage of Jesus Christ to His Bride, the Church (Revelation 19:6-9; Ephesians 5:32). This is the Wedding Day we’re all waiting for (whether we realize it or not) and the only one that matters eternally. “Blessed are those who are invited to the marriage supper of the Lamb” (Revelation 19:9).

If you were unable to make it to our ceremony and want to watch it, click below.
 

One Thing is Necessary

It has been a very busy season of life (evidenced by my significant lack of posts). I truly believe I am doing the things that the Lord wants me to do, but I have been tired and spent and struggling to trust the goodness of Christ, struggling to "fight the good fight of faith" (1 Timothy 6:12).

When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul. Psalm 94:19

It has also been an emotionally hard season of life. There are so many things going on that it’s hard to keep my focus on the One Thing that is necessary (Luke 10:42; Psalm 27:4). And because of that, I have been a wreck on the inside. One minute I am excited and happy about all that God is doing (I mean, I am getting married :), and the next minute I’m fighting tears and feel that my heart is breaking with all the burdens and grief that this past year as brought. It’s a rollercoaster of emotions to say the least.

Father’s Day and Dad’s birthday have come and gone, and I have been missing my dad a lot. It feels like I'm losing him all over again. I have been concerned for Mom and Kristi, wondering how they will fare without me (as if their well-being depended upon me). There are so many things to tend to and relationships to invest in – and the days are dwindling in which to do so. Then there is the spiritual warfare/oppression I’ve felt – like an invisible weight on my shoulders - and all the anxieties and fears and doubts about the future. I am usually ready to pack up and leave for wherever God is leading, but I've been dragging my heels just a bit. Maybe I’ve been trusting in comfort and familiarity in the midst of this past storm more than I realized. Or maybe that’s why they say not to make major life changes within the first year of losing someone…

As usual, I am learning to navigate these emotions and share them. While God has taught me much about being vulnerable with others and sharing my burdens with my brothers and sisters in Christ (Galatians 6:2), my natural tendency is to close up and withdraw, to put on my I’ve-got-it-together face and smile, and to ignore/suppress my feelings altogether (because, honestly, I don’t trust them). So I think I’ve regressed a little in that area and I’m having to re-learn the same lessons that God taught me these past few years.
But, as usual, Jesus met me in my struggles – in my pain and doubts and fears and circumstances. He has been showing me through His Word and through His people how much I have not been trusting Him and how I need to seek Him above all other things and how I need to cast my cares on Him (1 Peter 5:7; Matthew 11:28; Phil. 4:6-8). Two main ways He did that was through a Scripture passage in the Old Testament and through ReConnect at church.

The passage was 2 Chronicles 14:-15. It is the story of Asa, who was king of Judah. He was a faithful king who feared and served God. He took away all the pagan gods and commanded the people to seek and obey the one, true, and living God. And because he and the nation of Judah sought the Lord, the Lord gave them peace on every side. This was contrasted with the time period before when the nation did not seek God and had no peace at all. Furthermore, King Asa was humbly dependent upon the Lord when they were being attacked by their enemies and the Lord rewarded him by fighting for the nation of Judah and delivering them. As the I read this, the Lord pressed upon me the need to seek Him above all that is going on. He revealed to me that I didn’t have peace because I wasn’t looking to Him and depending upon Him. Instead, I was consumed with my circumstances, trying to handle everything on my own. One Thing was necessary – I needed turn my focus to the Lord. Only then would I have peace (Isaiah 26:3-4).

Then a few days later we had ReConnect at Rolling Fields (a special service we have when there is a 5th Sunday). Pastor Andy led us in a study of Psalm 22. We read through the psalm, noting the emotions that David felt and how he was focused on his circumstances, how  he would then turn his focus to the Lord and remember His faithfulness, only to switch back to focusing on his circumstances again (looks like he was on a roller coaster like me). He ended the psalm by re-directing and setting his gaze on the Lord and choosing to praise His name even though his circumstances had not changed. He remembered that God was working in his troubles for a purpose that he could not yet see, and He remembered that he had a responsibility to share God’s goodness and truth with others. He remembered that making God known among the nations was the aim. I needed to remember that too.

So I've been continually giving my cares to the Lord and slowly sharing them with others. And the Lord has been giving me His peace that surpassing all understanding (Philippians 4:6-8). The circumstances haven't really changed, but God has re-directed my focus. He is bigger than my circumstances. He is sovereign over my circumstances. And He has already gone before me into the future to work all of these things out for my good and His glory (Romans 8:28). There is no God like Him.

Therefore, preparing your minds for action, and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. 1 Peter 1:13

The Aftermath

This week is the third week since my dad left us to be with Jesus. Even though it still seems surreal at times, reality has begun to set in. My dad is gone. His battle with cancer and his suffering are over, and his faith and hope has been realized. His pain has ended, but ours has just deepened. My emotions are mixed with with grief, relief, hope, and joy for him.

It’s amazing the things I have learned about my dad since his death. I knew him mainly in one capacity: as my dad. He never really shared his heart, his dreams, his hopes; he was a pretty private person (I guess I get that from him :). I suppose that is somewhat normal in the parent-child relationship, but the stories I have heard, the people he has impacted, and the things he did behind the scenes has made me appreciate him more, and made me realize how much I took him for granted.

Growing up, I was a daddy’s girl. When I was elementary school, I remember being at the water fountain and all the other little girls were talking about boys, boyfriends, etc. When I was asked something to the effect of who I liked or who I wanted to be my boyfriend, I answered my dad. I was perfectly content with him as the only man in my life (as I think it should be for every little girl). We kind of grew apart some when I went off to college and seminary – we didn’t usually see eye-to-eye on things – but the last year or so we started growing closer again (another grace of the Lord) and I started trying to do a better job of sharing what was going on in my life and heart.

The Lord was very kind to allow me to go home and take care of my dad during the last 10 weeks of his life. I know that is what my dad would have wanted (he loved having his girls around) and the Lord was so generous to give that to him. I was his primary caretaker during those days. It was the hardest thing I have ever experienced. My dad suffered a great deal and I saw things I’d rather not remember, but God’s grace was sufficient for those times (2 Corinthians 12:9). He always gave me the needed strength for each day, despite my faint heart and weak knees (Psalm 61:2). Now that it is all over, my mind is trying to process what just took place. In the moment, you just do what needs to be done with little thought, but now that things have slowed down, my mind is trying to get a handle on these last three months, and emotional/physical/spiritual exhaustion has set in. I feel like I could sleep for days.

I have to be careful, though. I realize I must allow myself time to grieve and process, but, at the same time, I have to be very careful what I am thinking about. It is easy to get lost in thought. I could probably think for hours about all that just happened, but I don’t think that’s good or healthy – especially if I am just thinking about the pain and turmoil that has marked my life as of late. So I have to be extra vigilant about taking thoughts captive (2 Corinthians 10:5). It is better to reflect on the situation, look for God’s goodness in it, and give Him thanks, or choose to think about the happy times with my dad instead (there are far more of those anyway) and give thanks for them.

It would be easy to question God during this time. Many of the prayers that were lifted up on behalf of my dad were not answered the way we hoped and desired. The answer from heaven was a continual “no” when it came to his healing and such. God was set on taking him Home. We received continual bad news from when he was diagnosed with cancer last November. So, again, I have to be careful. It would be easy to distrust or question God. But it is not like He was silent. Far from it. The peace and presence of Christ was continually with our family. He provided for us in every way and gave us some very, very sweet times with my dad. In fact, my dad was conscious and could communicate up to the last hours of his life. That is a priceless gift from God. My dad could have easily slipped into a coma hours and hours before he passed, but God did not allow that. And because He didn’t, many people in our family got to say their final goodbyes to him. God's kindness has been very evident throughout all this and I must remind myself of Romans 8:28 every time I am tempted to resent His hard dealings with my family. Many good things have come from my dad's death and continue to come from it because it is all orchestrated by a very good God.

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

Furthermore, God’s timing was so perfect. In fact, it was too perfect to not be orchestrated by Him. The Lord delayed my application to serve overseas until right before I went home. Also, when I went home in June is when my dad really started to deteriorate. The Family Medical Leave Act allows one to be gone from work for 12 weeks. I checked in with my employer every two weeks, so when it was time for my 10th week check-in, I sought the Lord on whether I should quit my job and stay in Missouri or return to Louisville. I sensed him telling me to do the latter, and I knew then He was going to take my dad. My dad passed away exactly a week later, which was a week and a half before I was supposed to return to Louisville. The Lord’s timing is perfect.

Below is a video of my dad singing. This was recorded on his 60th birthday, June 23rd of this year, the day Kristi and I came home to take care of Dad. He was in a lot of pain that day, but he got out his guitar and praised Jesus despite the pain. We could learn from him. Enjoy.

Joy & Hope in Sorrow & Pain

It’s amazing how life can change in an instant; how one’s world can be shaken in such a way that “normal” becomes something new and different. These few weeks have been the hardest and most painful that I have experienced to date. Death has been the theme. Now, thankfully, I haven’t had to experience that grief, but I have had to face it in both of my parents. It’s a hard reality, and, apart from God’s divine intervention, they are both facing illnesses that will eventually consume them.

    So teach us to number our days
        that we may get a heart of wisdom. Psalm 90:12

This verse has been running through my mind since I walked into my parents’ home and saw my mom on December 23^rd. We are but a vapor; here today and gone tomorrow. God alone knows the number of days that He has given each of us and sometimes He allows circumstances into our lives to remind us how fragile we really are, how fleeting life is, and to remind us to look to Him, our Hope, Salvation, Deliverer, and Treasure.

I am learning many lessons through this and, I am sure, there are many more to come. The Lord has not been silent, and for that I am very thankful. He has not left me or my family without comfort. It is hard watching those you deeply love struggle and suffer. There have been numerous times that I have walked away from a hospital room, entered a bathroom, and nearly crumbled underneath the weight of what was happening, telling God that I could not do this anymore. And it’s true; I can’t. I have not the strength to face the circumstances that the Lord has allowed into my life, but His grace is sufficient. It is sufficient for cancer. It is sufficient for autoimmune diseases. It is sufficient for unbearable pain. It is sufficient for frustrating doctors. It is sufficient for long days at the hospital. It is sufficient for every single circumstance that I face, and Jesus graciously reminded me of this when I felt I could go no further. He gave me the strength needed for each day, and continues to do so.

For we do not want you to be unaware, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. 2 Corinthians 1:8-9

The Lord, in His grace, had been preparing my sister and me for these things. We were learning a lot about suffering and God’s goodness and sovereignty in suffering over the last two years through books and sermons and circumstances. I remember standing with her in the kitchen of our apartment last year discussing what the Lord was teaching us and knowing that He was preparing for something rather hard. Now, I believe, we have arrived at that moment. The Lord is so kind to prepare us like He did; otherwise our reactions to these things would look much different.

During all of this, the Lord has been beckoning me to come to Him. To cast my cares upon Him (Matthew 11:28-30), to rest/abide in Him (Psalm 91; John 15:1-11), to wait on Him (Isaiah 40:31), to place my hope in Him (2 Cor. 4:16-18), and to be still before Him as He glorifies Himself through these things (Psalm 46:10). The Lord has been pleased to use that latter passage (Psalm 46) over and over again. My cousin read it to me, then my friend read it to me, and it was in my devotional readings three days in a row. I think God wants me to learn something here, and I think it is this:

    God is our refuge and strength,
        a very present help in trouble.
    Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way,
        though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea,
    though its waters roar and foam,
        though the mountains tremble at its swelling. Psalm 46:1-3

God is my ever-present help. The ESV foot note for “very present help” says that the Hebrew can also be translated “well proved help,” which I love. God is faithful. He is ever present. He is well proved. He never fails. He never forsakes. Even though the earth gives ways, even though my world comes crashing down, I do not need to fear because God is with me. He is Immanuel. He dwells in the midst of His people. He protects (refuge) and provides (strength). Twice the psalmist declares in verses 7 and 11, “The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.” This is why there is no need to fear. This is why there can be joy in sorrow and suffering. God is sovereign over the circumstances (He designs them), He purposes good in them, and He walks with His people during them. If God is for us then who can ultimately be against us?

            This I know, that God is for me.
    In God, whose word I praise,
        in the LORD, whose word I praise,
    in God I trust; I shall not be afraid.
        What can man do to me? Psalm 56:9-11

So in the midst of all the unknown and in all the pain, there is joy and there is hope. There is joy because Christ is with me and because He is working all things for good and because He is going to reveal Himself in new ways to me and my family. There is joy because I am His and He is mine. There is also hope. Now hope is a funny thing. It arises sometimes at the most unexpected times. Hope is not something that you can work up on your own. I am not talking about the kind of hope that is merely optimistic (“There’s a light at the end of the tunnel”) or hope that is blind (“Something will work out; it will get better some day”), but in a hope that is secure, a hope that is rooted in the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ. He is a Hope that never fails and never puts to shame.

Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. Romans 5:3-5

Now I can’t help hoping for brighter days ahead, for more pleasant and joyful circumstances – in restoration. Christ is a restorer. Regarding this there have been two more verses running through my mind and they have become my prayer:

    Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love,
        that we may rejoice and be glad all our days.
    Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us,
        and for as many years as we have seen evil. Psalm 90:14-15  

I will restore to you the years
        that the swarming locust has eaten,
    the hopper, the destroyer, and the cutter,
        my great army, which I sent among you. Joel 2:25

Ultimately, these verses will be fulfilled when Christ comes to save His people completely and to restore the earth fully (Revelation 21:1-8), so even if things do not get better, I will still have joy and hope in the sorrow and pain.

    Though the fig tree should not blossom,
        nor fruit be on the vines,
    the produce of the olive fail
        and the fields yield no food,
    the flock be cut off from the fold
        and there be no herd in the stalls,
    yet I will rejoice in the LORD;
        I will take joy in the God of my salvation.
    GOD, the Lord, is my strength;
        he makes my feet like the deer's;
        he makes me tread on my high places.
    To the choirmaster: with stringed instruments. Habakkuk 3:17-19

Pondering the Pleasant Places

The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance. Psalm 16:6

The Lord has continually brought this verse to my mind over the last few weeks. A lot has changed in my life over the past year – the ministries I am involved in; my place of residence (no surprise there :); my roommate; the people I hang out with; the car I drive; my job and even my wardrobe (as my new job requires me to wear skirts or dresses – a far cry from the jeans and Docs I am so used to). Some of the changes were welcomed and some were not. Either way, though, this is the Lord’s lot for me and it is good. He has made the lines (the current circumstances in my life) fall in pleasant places. He is satisfied with where He has me and where He is taking me, and I must be satisfied in that as well. Some days that contentment is easier than others, but I am continually learning and growing in that contentment by His grace (Philippians 4:13).

Already in 2012, the Lord has been so gracious to answer some of the questions I had at the beginning of 2011. Like I was telling my prayer partner, it is as if God pressed the hold button at the beginning of 2011 and He pressed unhold at the beginning of 2012. At the beginning of 2011, I was wondering where I should work. That has now been answered. I was wondering about the walk of someone I was allowed to lead to Christ. That’s been answered. I was wondering about the ministries I should be involved in while in Louisville. That has been answered. And—and I have been waiting almost a year for this—in a few short weeks, I will be attending an event that I hope will bring clarification to God’s future for me overseas. There are still a few things that are still left unanswered from last year, but I am trusting and waiting for them to unfold and make sense in the near future.

The Lord continues to heal, help me deal and learn from the pain and brokenness of last year. He also continues to show me the crevices where pride is lurking in my heart. Sigh. It seems never-ending. The Prophet Jeremiah is right: our hearts are deceitfully wicked and hard to discern (Jeremiah 17:9-10). Last Sunday’s sermon was on Psalm 51 and Pastor Andy talked about the differences between a prideful and humble heart. The brokenness from last year was due mostly from my prideful, sinful heart. While the Lord has brought me a long way, I still have so far to go. I cannot wait to be free from this body of flesh to dwell in the God’s presence forever! (Romans 7:21-25; 1 Corinthians 5:1-9; Philippians 1:21-26)

Whom have I in heaven but You? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides You. My flesh and my heart my fail [and they do!] but God is the strength of my heart and my Portion forever. Psalm 73:25-26

Note: The sermon this weekend at RF is over Psalm 73. So excited!

New Happenings

My sister and I have moved into our new place. The Lord was ever-so gracious to provide helping hands, rain-free weather, spacious vehicles and apartment furnishings. We are still settling in and unpacking, but it’s starting to look and feel more like “home”. We are incredibly thankful for the Lord’s provision. I am especially living up my short commutes to work. ;)

Call us crazy, but my sister and I have decided to do without Internet. It’s not that we can’t afford it, but that we don’t want to afford it. It will definitely mean making some adjustments (less dependence on email & more dependence on cell phones). Plus, Southern is less than 2 miles away where we have free access to Wi-Fi. :) This will help us both to not waste time and only do what we need to do when online, which I think is a good thing.

Switching gears: After much wonder about what I should be doing to advance the Gospel (besides my involvement with Scarlet Hope), the Lord has opened up several other ministry doors. He has recently pressed upon my heart the idea of being spent for the Gospel (2 Corinthians 12:15). I mean, when it comes down to it, what else really matters? He repeatedly brought this verse to my mind over a span of a few weeks or so before sending ministry opportunities my way. First, the need arose at Rolling Fields for a new children’s Sunday School teacher. After talking to the Lord and to other leaders in the church, I sensed it was something He wanted me to do (though I feel quite inept). I am going to story (chronologically) with them through the Gospels…and I am pretty excited about it. Tomorrow is my first day and we are going to learn about Jesus’ genealogy. There is a fun song by Andrew Peterson that gives the genealogical account of Jesus found in Matthew (in perfect rhyme). I am workin’ on memorizing it.

Second, I learned of a Chinese Bible Study that happens on Friday nights near the U of L campus. I have been twice and met a lot of great people. I admit that I am a little out of place :), but I am trusting that the Lord will guide in this. I met a fresh-to-the-States Chinese student last evening. She said that I was her first American friend. :)

Finally, I heard about a homeless ministry called Exit 0 from both Rolling Fields and my sister’s church. Both churches are looking to partner with this ministry in some shape or form. I am pretty excited about it. My sister says they serve meals on Monday and that her church is going to help. Sign me up.

I am so excited about what the Lord is doing. It is the first I have been able to sense Him leading me in any kind of direction in a long while. It has made me realize how much I took His leading and presence for granted. These too are part of His perfect gifts (James 1:17).

Next weekend, (Lord willing) Kristi and I are going to New York!

The Past Weeks (and a Movie) in Review

It is currently pouring down rain outside. I love it. :) I just stood outside the door, letting the rain splash onto me as it hit the ground. 


There have been a few changes during the last few weeks. My roommate got married and moved out and my sister moved in. Boxes are the decor as of late. In a little less than two weeks, Kristi and I are moving to a new apartment across town. It's closer to work, school, ministry and church. A blessing from the Lord. He laid upon my heart earlier this year to move out of the basement I live in and it's finally about to come to fruition. What's really exciting is that our new apartment has an oven! I told Kristi that I am going to celebrate by baking. :)
This will be the fifth time I have moved in the last year (!). I have become quite the expert in packing. Although, I am not holding my breath as to how long I'll be at this next place. :)

At work, I have been flying solo. My boss has been out of town on a well-deserved vacation (her first one in 20 years!). It can be overwhelming at times, but the Lord is gracious and has provided me with the needed strength and endurance. During my early years of college, I thought I wanted to own a small business. The Lord has graciously given me a taste of it...and I don't think its for me. :)

Summer Movie Review: Secretariat - 5 out of 5 stars

It's been a long while since my last movie review. As you can tell, I am not that much of a movie watcher. There just seems to be so many other worthwhile things to do. :) I had heard rave reviews about the movie Secretariat, so I finally watched it with my friend Melissa. It did not disappoint. It is based on a true story, which automatically makes it more interesting. Plus, it is about a horse. I have always liked horses. When I was younger, I hung pictures of them on my wall and I asked my parents, on multiple occasions, if we could have one (despite the fact we didn't have anywhere to keep one). I have said multiple times that if God had called me to stay in the States, I would want to live on a ranch. Anyway, the movie was great. The plot, acting and camera-work were all superb. Plus, it began and ended by quoting from the book of Job, which is fitting because the accomplishments of Secretariat are an amazing testament of God's creative work and power. If this movie is not on your to-watch-list, it should be. :) 

Do you give the horse his might?

Do you clothe his neck with a mane?

Do you make him leap like the locust?

His majestic snorting is terrifying.

He paws in the valley and exults in his strength;

he goes out to meet the weapons.

He laughs at fear and is not dismayed;

he does not turn back from the sword. Job 39:19-22

A Change in Wardrobe & A Change Within

It’s hot. I am saying this as a statement of fact, not complaint. I’d rather be hot than cold, and all I have to do is remember the harsh winter we had and I am thankful for these hot summer days. I am actually sitting outside now as I type this blog, listening to the songs of the evening birds and the hum of the central air unit. :)
Because of the heat and because the air conditioner in my car isn’t currently working, I have been sporting more dresses these days. I am definitely more of a jeans and Doc Martins kind of gal, but this weather calls for lighter material. Plus, it makes me get outside of my comfort zone. :) This increase in wearing dresses created a need for a pair of dress shoes as the shoes I have are a little too casual. I am not the type that has a fetish with shoes and cannot even remember the last time I bought a new pair, but I stumbled across some that were on clearance when I took Kristi to Kohl’s. As a result, I discovered the difference between $10-$15 shoes (which is what I would normally buy) and $50 shoes (which I would never buy): comfort. You get what you pay for, I guess.



I have been thinking and praying about my future a lot lately. I feel like I know less now about God wants me to do than I did six months ago when I graduated from Southern. I know that I am to serve the Lord overseas, but I have no idea what that looks like. What organization do I go with? What country and people group will I serve? What will my ministry look like? These are the questions the Lord has yet to answer. Six months ago, I thought I had a better idea, but the Lord has been changing my desires (or at least awakening previous ones) and it has given me much to think about. Sometimes I feel like my ambitions and desires are so varied that I wonder how they can be in the same person. Part of me wants to work with an unengaged people group in a remote village – venturing into the unknown to share the love of Christ with those who have never even heard His name. While another part of me wants to work with underprivileged women and/or trafficked victims in the urban slums. And there is the part of me that simply desires to be a wife and mother tending the home (though still serving Christ overseas). Not that all these things are mutually exclusive because I know awesome women who do at least two of the three…but they do seem rather conflicting at the present. Sanctify these desires, Lord.

“Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.” Proverbs 19:21

My boss and I have worked it out so that I can have an extra day off per week. I had been working six days a week and it was catching up with me. It is amazing what an extra day off can make! Plus, it allows me to run errands and such, which I didn’t have time for before. This week I had packages to mail. I told Kristi, who accompanied me to the post office, that it was my Acts 1:8 mailing as I was sending a package here locally, another one to Alabama and a third one to the other side of the world. :) We caused a scene as usual. The post office is like going to the library or DMV - nobody says a word and everyone looks straight in front of them. Of course, Kristi and I broke the silence upon entrance as we were laughing and carrying on about something. Our laughter and banter continued as we stood in line (though we did try to keep it to a low level). The gentleman behind us starting laughing at/with us and began talking to the lady behind him (about us). Then, before we knew it, the atmosphere had relaxed and there was a low murmur in the place. Another job well done by the Hovis girls. :)

Wide Open Spaces

Outside it is raining - one of those cool, clean and refreshing rains that almost beckons me to be out in it. A perfect day for cleaning, drinking coffee, listening to music...and blogging.

Last night I had the opportunity to escape the confines of the city and soak up the Great Outdoors at a bonfire about an hour outside of Louisville. There is something about being out in the open, away from the hustle and bustle, that fills my heart with joy. Like the Dixie Chicks song says, I need "wide open spaces." 

This year is nearing the half-way point. It has been a difficult one for sure - filled with spiritual warfare (1 Peter 5:8), the heavy hand of the Lord (Hebrews 12:3-11) and my own inner battle with sin (Romans 7). This year has brought some new experiences that continue to challenge and refine me. The Lord is growing me in many areas and this growth is sometimes very painful and wearisome. He does not leave me alone, however. His grace is sufficient. Intertwined in these difficult lessons have been some been very sweet and precious times in the Word and in ministry. Apart from these past few days, I have not felt like myself for the majority of 2011. My spirit has been downcast; my optimism has faded into pessimism; and my usual smile and laughter (for I dearly love to laugh) has given way to a sort seriousness that has never characterized me before. And the most frustrating part is that I can't really explain why, but, like I said, these past few days have been different. I have been more hopeful, light-hearted and, well, myself. Maybe the clouds over my head have lifted...or maybe the Lord is giving me a small break to catch my breath before the next round of His intense refining work. Either way, He knows what He is doing and it is  for my good and His glory. My hope in all of this is that I will shine brighter for Him.

I think the Lord is leading me to move (yet again). It seems like I move every 6 months to a year...and I hate it. Sometimes I wonder why I even unpack my things. :) When I moved into this apartment last September, I said I was not moving again until either I got married or went overseas. The Lord, however, has other ideas. He has made me very unsettled with where I am now...so it looks like moving is in my near future. My sister (yay!) and I have begun the apartment search. Hopefully, the Lord has one for us in an area that is close to work, school, church and Scarlet Hope. Stay tuned. :)

Lessons from the Lord: patience, endurance, conflict management, hope & trust in the midst of not understanding (for I currently see through a glass dimly - 1 Corinthian 13:12)

Looking for the Silver Lining...

I try to make it a daily habit to submit my plans to the Lord. I am a planner, so I have a general idea of what I will be doing each day, but I always want to be open to what the Lord is doing and what He has in store. Today's plan: work, clean apartment, do laundry and read. Work - check. The other things - not so much. My day was altered when someone decided to break into where I live and steal a few choice things (namely my laptop). I spent an hour after work talking to both Dell and the police and asking for prayer. Now, I know there is some sort of lesson in all this. I don't see it now, but the Bible says that God causes all things to work together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28). I believe with all my heart that this is true. What is the Lord up to? I am not sure. Maybe the Lord is proving my devotion to Him. Do I really treasure Him over all things like I claim I do?

When it is all said and done, it is just a computer and the pictures and data that were on it won't matter much in eternity. Not that I am giving up hope. I am very much an optimist and believe in the power of my God to bring my computer back to me WITH all my data on it. :)

Now to that last thing on today's agenda - reading.