So much has happened since I last posted. The holidays came and went. Daniel graduated with his PhD. A new year begun. Justus turned one (!). It's been a whirlwind in many ways and between my daily duties and trying to squeeze in a nap, writing has fallen by the wayside.
But there's something deeper than busyness that's kept me at bay. I haven't had motivation to write. I haven't been inspired. Which says more about my heart than anything else. I have been numb spiritually for quite awhile now and when that happens, thoughts and words feel stifled.
I can pinpoint where the apathy began to take root. It was almost a year ago. Justus was in the hospital with an infection, and I was beside him, watching him suffer. I felt abandoned by God. I felt that God didn't hear my prayers, let alone care about me. I felt that things were unnecessarily hard. I felt alone.
I should listen less to my feelings.
The seeds of bitterness took root during those lonely, difficult days in the hospital, and they continued to grow throughout 2017. I began to tally every disappointment, every hardship, and every loss and add them to the pain. It's hard to want to draw near to God when you keep a record against Him.
But God did not leave me in this state. Even now, I can see how He pursued me in different ways during that time. He didn't answer my "why" questions, but He did beckon me to come to Him. He showed me in His Word how He is near to the broken hearted (Psalm 34:18) and walks with us through the Valley of the Shadow of Death (Psalm 23:4). He reminded me over and over not to depend on my own understanding (Proverbs 3:6) and not to look at the seen things (2 Corinthians 4:16-18), but to trust in Him because He is good and does good - always (Psalm 119:68).
Still I wavered.
During the last few weeks, while studying James 1:19-21 and then listening to a sermon on it at Safe Haven Church, I saw a familiar verse in a new light. Verse 19 says, "Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger." I had always thought about this verse in regards to relating to other people. But when I read it this time, I was struck by the fact that this verse is in relating to God. The Apostle James is writing to a group of suffering Christians. He had earlier in his letter told them to count suffering all joy (v. 3), that those who remain steadfast in suffering are blessed (v. 12), that every good gift comes from our Heavenly Father (v. 17) - even the ones that come in difficult packages, -and that God saved us according to His own will (v. 18). Now James tells them to be quick to listen to God's Word in suffering, to be slow to speak (rashly) to and against God in suffering, and to be slow to anger against God in suffering.
Fail. Fail. Fail.
I had been slow to listen to God's Word, even when I knew what I was reading or hearing was addressing my heart attitude towards the Lord. I had been quick to speak against God in my heart, doubting His goodness and promises, as well as His disposition towards me. And I had been quick to be angry and resentful at God for all the hard things He was allowing in my life. I was full of pride, thinking that God was getting it wrong and not trusting that His ways are higher and better than mine because He can see the whole picture and because He has my ultimate good in mind.
James goes on in verse 20 to say that the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. He is not talking about righteousness by justification, as in trying to make oneself right with God. Jesus alone accomplished that. He makes us right with God. He is our righteousness. Rather, James is talking about a righteousness that leads to living according to God's standards. Man's anger doesn't do that. My anger doesn't do that. What does? A life lived by faith in Christ.
After hearing the sermon on this passage, my heart was pricked and exposed. I could see how I had put God on trial, demanding Him to answer my questions and answer to His ordering of my ways. I was foolish and prideful. But God in His mercy was patient to continually speak to me through His Word until, by His Spirit, I had a breakthrough. He opened my eyes to see His truth and my sin.
Verse 21 gives me the way out: "Put away [i.e. repent of] all filthiness and rampant wickedness and receive [believe] with meekness [an attitude of humility] the implanted word, which is able to save your souls." "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness" (1 John 1:9). I have repented and, with the help of the Holy Spirit, I am trying to trust God's Word over my feelings and circumstances. I am trying to choose thankfulness. There is still much healing to be done in my heart and much fighting to be done to trust in the One who alone is trustworthy, but He fights for me and with me and He will see me through.
