O Great God Who Saved Me

Today is the 12-year anniversary since God saved me, and it’s cool how the Lord cleared my schedule (again) so that I could spend the evening with Him. The Lord has been doing a lot lately in my life and heart to weed out distractions, refocus my attention on Him, warm my affections toward Him, and give me a hunger for Him and His Word. This, in fact, is an answer to prayer. I have been praying for several weeks that the Lord would consume me with Himself and re-focus my attention on Him. I have asked others to pray that for me as well. And the Lord has been working out the answer to those prayers over these last few days, for which I am very thankful.

It seems that every year I have a song to go with the remembrance of when God saved me. This year is no exception. I have known for almost a year that I was going to use this song. It captures how God made me alive in Christ as well as the constant cry of my heart to be made like Christ in every way. The song is by Sovereign Grace and is called “O Great God.”

Verse 1
O great God of highest heaven
Occupy my lowly heart
Own it all and reign supreme
Conquer every rebel power
Let no vice or sin remain
That resists Your holy warYou have loved and purchased me
Make me Yours forevermore

This song begins with the words, “O great God of highest heaven,” and so does my testimony. In fact, God is the beginning of every testimony for He is the one who saves. He is the one who first loved me (1 John 4:19). He is the one who chose me in Christ before the foundation of the world (Ephesians 1:3-4). He first sought me out when He sent Christ to die for me while I was still in my sins (Romans 5:8), and then He gave me a new heart, a heart that desires Him. So the rest of the first verse of this song is my prayer. I desire for God to own all of my heart and to clear out all rebellion that lurks within it, so that Jesus Christ can be exalted in and through my life. This, of course, is no easy work as I am still very much a sinner. I am easily distracted and too easily satisfied with things other than God. He is the best thing, which I know in my head, but sin is not rational or logical; it’s defiant. But God loves me and has made me His. Nothing can separate me from Him. And what’s more is that He empowers me to fight sin and temptation. He helps me to obey His commands. He has freed me from sin’s enslaving grip so that I can now say no to sin and yes to Christ (Romans 6).

Verse 2
I was blinded by my sin
Had no ears to hear Your voiceDid not know Your love within
Had no taste for heaven’s joys
Then Your Spirit gave me life
Opened up Your Word to me
Through the gospel of Your Son
Gave me endless hope and peace

Before Jesus saved me, I was blind to my sin and deaf to His voice. I did not desire Christ or the things of Christ. I was content living life my way; oblivious that I was on a road that led to destruction. God’s Word was closed to me. It made no sense when I read it. But then God, being rich in mercy, made me alive through Jesus Christ. He opened up my eyes to see the beauty of Jesus Christ and opened my ears to hear His voice. He gave me a hunger for the truth of His Word and both the will and ability to obey His commands. After I gave my life to Jesus, the Bible came alive to me. It was no longer just words on a page, but living words that spoke directly to my heart. God gave me eyes to see and ears to hear and a heart to understand His Word (Deuteronomy 29:4). And the reason He could do this was because Jesus Christ obeyed God’s commands perfectly, took the punishment for my sin, died my death, and then came back to life so that I could be alive to God (Romans 6:11). This is the gospel and this is why Jesus Christ is able to give us endless hope and peace.

Help me now to live a life
That’s dependent on Your grace
Keep my heart and guard my soul
From the evils that I face
You are worthy to be praised
With my every thought and deed
O great God of highest heaven
Glorify Your Name through me

Finally, Jesus Christ is worthy. He deserves the reward for which He died. And, because of God’s unfathomable grace, I am part of that reward (!). This last verse is also my prayer. I want to become more dependent on the grace of Christ and less dependent on myself (which is a huge vice of mine). I want to make much of Christ with my every thought and deed. This has actually been on my mind a lot lately. The Lord has been impressing on my heart the need to restrict what I allow to influence me. It’s not that I don’t already do this but He is calling me to be even more careful about what movies I watch, what music I listen to, and what topics I talk about. The Bible says that we are to feed the Spirit and not the flesh (Romans 13:14) and that we are to walk in the Spirit (Romans 8:4-5; Galatians 5:16, 25). Whatever influences we allow into our lives will eventually come out; they will affect us even if we don’t think they do at the time. I am not saying this to be a legalist, for Christ has called us to freedom (Galatians 5:1), but so that our lives can be solely-focused on Jesus. Jesus Christ calls His followers to be radically committed to Him (Luke 9:23-27, 57-62). We are to forsake everything so that we may know Him and make Him known. Jesus also calls us to radical holiness. In fact, we cannot be radically obedient if we are not radically holy. The two go hand-in-hand. We are to be set apart from the world. How can we shine like lights in a dark world and be salt to a bland generation if we talk and act and chase after the same things unbelievers do? We can’t. But in Christ we can. He makes us to differ, and has secured our holiness by His death on the cross. I have been considering how I can live a life more pleasing to Him, more in line with who He is. He first turned my attention to prayer and to reading His Word (which is no surprise) and then to the things I can set aside so that I can make praying and Bible reading more of a priority. It's not easy and it is costing me something, but God in His kindness gives me both the desire and ability to do His will (Philippians 2:13). Plus, Jesus is worth it. :)

Unselfish Disclosure

The Lord has done a lot in these past few years to grow me and stretch me and refine me. One of the areas in which He has stretched me a lot is helping me be more open and vulnerable with others. He has used the many hard things He has allowed into my life to force me to rely on others and, even though it has been hard, it’s been a beautiful thing as He has allowed me to cultivate deep and authentic relationships with the people He has placed in my life.

Lately, though, I have been tempted to regress. I have wanted to push people away and keep my thoughts and struggles to myself. I am very much aware of this temptation, but I haven’t been fighting it as fiercely as I should be. My personal preference and natural bent is to be more reserved because it’s safe and comfortable and easy, and sometimes I just don’t feel like fighting that temptation. The Lord, however, is relentless in His pursuit of my sanctification. Through His Holy Spirit, He has been alerting me to my desire to withdraw and Has been sending His Word my way.

At Rolling Fields, Pastor Andy has been preaching through the Ten Commandments (which has been so good, by the way!). While I was thinking about the above, the Lord used the sermon on the 9th commandment (you shall not bear false witness/lie) to pierce my heart. When someone asks me (genuinely asks me) how I’m doing and I answer, “Fine,” or, “Good,” when I am not fine or good, then I am breaking this commandment and committing sin. Sigh. God would have him preach that message and give that example when I am struggling with this temptation. Now it may seem silly, but when my pastor gave that example, it was like an arrow pierced my heart. I was guilty. But the grace of Christ is bigger than my guilt and sin, and He is always more than ready to forgive me when I repent and turn to Him. In fact, He gives me the strength and resources to do so and to follow His commands and ways.

Another reason I think I have been tempted to wall-up is because several relationships in my life seem to be in transition. Several close friends have moved away or are about to do so, and a few other friendships are changing because of life circumstances. I suppose relationships are always changing some since they are dynamic, but it’s a lot more noticeable when several seem to do so all at one time. And for someone like me who finds it hard to open up to others, it can be somewhat painful and challenging. The enemy, who knows my weaknesses and likes to capitalize on them, has been tempting me to withdraw, whispering that deep relationships aren't worth it and that I don’t belong. The latter is a tempting lie to believe, but it simply isn’t true because I do have a sister and a church family and other great friends, and, most importantly, I belong to Christ. All of this is a good reminder that my identity is not in my relationships (or anything else for that matter), but in Christ and in Him alone.

The Lord is very kind in the way He always meets us in our struggles and strengthens us against temptations. As I have struggled with the feeling of not belonging and the temptation to pull inward, He has not left me to myself. He has reminded me of His perfect awareness and acceptance of me (Psalm 139) and His unfathomable love and grace (Zephaniah 2:17; Ephesians 1:3-14, 2:4). Plus, He is giving me new friendships to develop and older ones with which to re-connect. In just these past few days, two people I haven’t seen in awhile visited the office where I work and told me they wanted to get together and catch up, and another friend from church (whom I don’t know very well) told me she wants to hang out as well. God is very kind and reminded me through these interactions that He sees my heart struggles and hears my prayers, and He is constantly working in them for my good and His glory.

Plus, God isn’t calling me to do anything that He hasn’t already done. He knows more than I will ever know or will ever grasp what it means to make oneself vulnerable (in a sense) to others. And we should be very thankful that He does so because if He didn’t, we would have no hope, no salvation, and no way of knowing Him. I love this quote from Carl F.H. Henry quoted by Dr. Mohler:

My mentor in so many ways Carl Henry described revelation—he was not a very poetic man, but he was capable of rare instances of poetry and generally when he did not mean to be poetic. And he defined God’s revelation as God’s unselfish disclosure and gracious forfeiture of His own personal privacy so that His sinful creatures might know Him.

This is a pretty awesome truth. The God of the universe chooses to make Himself vulnerable so that we, His creatures, might know Him. He didn’t have to do this, but He chose to. We would have no way of knowing who God is or what He has done or how to serve Him if He had not chosen to reveal Himself through His Word, throughout history, and through His Son, Jesus Christ (Hebrews 1:1-3). That’s grace. There is no other God like Him. And He calls us to do the same in the relationships He has given us. Doing so is the only way to truly love our neighbor, to be effective in ministry, to testify to God’s gracious dealings in our lives, and to illustrate the life-transforming power of the gospel. People cannot see how we trust God in the good times and bad if we do not let them in, if we do not graciously and unselfishly disclose ourselves, if we do not give up our personal privacy. This is a challenging call, especially for an introvert, but God’s grace is sufficient for these things. For His power is put on display through our weaknesses.

Food for Thought

One of the things I do at work is archive the articles that are a part of Dr. Mohler’s The Briefing. This is how I stay up-to-date on current issues, which is nice since I don’t watch TV and rarely listen to the radio. But it can also be quite depressing and discouraging. America’s culture is becoming more and more hostile to Truth (and Jesus Christ is Truth – John 14:6) and less and less clear in its ideals, laws, and definitions. Things that used to be taken for granted (like our Constitutional Rights to bear arms, practice religion, and free speech) are now being redefined and threatened. Almost every day I read some article that leaves me saying, “Really? Don’t people see how ridiculous this is?” And, of course, they don’t because the god of this world has blinded them from seeing the light of the gospel of the glory of Jesus Christ (2 Corinthians 4:4), who is the truth, and if you don’t know truth, you don’t have a basis for anything. No wonder America is in the downward spiral she is in.

It never seems to fail that the headlines cover one of three topics: homosexuality/marriage, gun control, and abortion. Our society and government is grappling with how to deal with all three based on their own rationale and humanistic reasoning. Those who write the articles would have you think that two of these issues (homosexuality and abortion) should be from all restrictions and that the other issue (gun control) should have every restriction. What really strikes me, in the case of homosexuality and marriage, is the amount of energy, effort, time, and attention being dedicated to it. Less than four percent of people in the United States consider themselves homosexual/bisexual/transgender. That’s less than the amount of people who are unemployed, which I rarely hear or read about (unless it’s election time). I was actually shocked that so few Americans were homosexual, etc. Based on the amount of media and political attention dedicated to their perceived rights, I expected the percentage to be much higher. But it’s not. And it makes me wonder: why are we catering to so few? What if we did that to every single faction of society? They have the same Constitutional rights as every other American citizen, so why are they getting such special treatment (and they are getting specialized treatment)? I’m not totally sure what the answer to these questions are, but it definitely has something to do with lobbyists in the capitol and the secularization of our country.

The word that keeps reoccurring in these articles is rights. It seems like that is the big talk: rights of women, rights of homosexuals/bisexuals/transgender/gender-confused people, rights of animals, rights of nudists, and the right not to be told what to do. So, basically, the right to do whatever one thinks is right in his/her own eyes (Judges 21:25). But, of course, the word rights does not apply to gun owners or evangelical Christians or unborn babies or people who know what it means to male or female. The truth is, though, that none of us really have a right to anything. Jesus Christ has all rights and authority, and as God He makes the rules. He determines what marriage is and what life is and how we should treat one another. The only way to know what are “rights” are are to key off of Him because He earned our rights for us (Ephesians 2:8-10; Galatians 5). He is our Creator and He gives us the rights we think we deserve.

It’s amazing how much our culture has changed just in the last ten years, and it’s becoming more and more ridiculous. Consider two of the current hot topics in our society: gender identity and gun control. The liberal arguments for both are extreme and illogical (though they don’t see that). The idea that there is no distinction between male and female goes not only against God’s creation and design (Genesis 1:27), but against science, biology, sociology, and psychology (all of which are pretty naturalistic in their views). The studies of each of these fields have proven over and over again that men and women are different. This is not to mention experiential observations. Can’t you just tell by interacting with the opposite sex that they are different? Even if you refuse to admit it, it’s obvious that God created men and women differently, and we glorify Him uniquely by embracing the gender He gave us. He could have made humans beings asexual like amoebas, but He didn’t. He created humans male and female, and it’s a beautiful thing.

Then there is gun control. I can remember growing up playing violent video games (namely, Tomb Raider) and shooting water guns and BB guns. My sister and I even had a fake, plastic knife that’s blade retracted when we stabbed it into each other. We even used fake blood for dramatic effect. We thought it was awesome, but I am sure nowadays that that kind of play would have sent us straight to the psychiatrist because that's what's been happening recently. Consider these two articles:

"Not Always Fun and Games" by Jesse McKinley and Matt Richtel from The New York Times [“What am I going to do when he asks for one [a Nerf rifle]?” a mother asked. Um, say no. And that seems to be the problem. We don’t know how to say no to anything.]

"The Pop-Tart Terrorist" by George F. Will from The Washington Post [Pop-tarts – really? Does this mean I should stop giving my kids Pop-tarts in Sunday School? I don’t want to encourage terrorism…]

All this is just another reminder that this world is not my home. I belong to another kingdom whose King executes justice perfectly and always rules in complete sovereignty, wisdom, and benevolence (Isaiah 9:6-7). This King, my King, IS Truth, Peace, Freedom, Joy, Right and Righteous. He is good and does good always (Psalm 119:68). This is not true of our government or any other government in our world, and any good we see in any political entity is only a shadow of the True Kingdom which is to come. I close with these final words from George F. Will’s article, cited above:

Government is failing spectacularly at its core functions, such as budgeting and educating. Yet it continues to multiply its peripheral and esoteric responsibilities, tasks that require it to do things for which it has no aptitude, such as thinking and making common-sense judgments. Government nowadays is not just embarrassing, it is — let us not mince words — inappropriate.

An Ode to My Mom

Tomorrow is my mom’s birthday and, like I did for my dad a few years back, I wanted to proclaim how thankful I am for her. Her birthday this year seems extra sweet, not because it is a milestone birthday (even though it is, but I don’t think she’d appreciate me saying which one!), but because there was a few days at the end of last year that I thought she wouldn't make it to her next birthday. She was quite literally on death’s door, but the Lord in His kindness and grace has allowed us to keep her, and now I can rejoice with her in another year that God has given her. For every year, every day He gives us is a gift from Him.

My mom has suffered more than anyone I know. She has had rheumatoid arthritis all of my life and half of hers, which has progressively gotten worse, and a whole host of other health problems. When I first read through the Bible back in college and read Romans 8:18, I immediately thought of her:

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.

And oh what glories await my mother! In the midst of all her pain and discomfort, though, my mom rarely complained. Instead, she quietly served our family by making our lunches, cooking dinner, cleaning the house, doing the laundry, and a whole host of other things that stay-at-home moms do but rarely get recognized for. She took good care of my dad, making sure he always had clean work clothes, packed lunches, and his favorite snacks in the cabinet. When it came to taking care of her family, my mom was selfless and giving.

My mom is also encouraging and supportive. I can’t remember a time when she did not support a goal or dream that me or my sister had. Even now she would prefer me not to go overseas, but she prefers even more that I do what God is calling me to do. You don’t know how important that is to a single woman preparing for a life abroad.

Mom has taught me many things that have been very helpful in my adult life. From her I learned how to cook simple, yet tasty meals. I learned how to take care of a home – how to clean and dust and vacuum and do laundry and do the dishes. Most things in our home had a place and they were expected to be put back in their places after we used them. I never remember my mom complaining once about having to do these things. She didn’t even complain about grocery shopping – something I could learn from! She seemed perfectly content managing the home and raising her daughters. My mom taught me how to wear make-up, but never told me I had to or needed it. She just showed me how to apply it when I became interested in wearing it, which I think she enjoyed. My poor mom didn’t have girly-girls so she didn’t get to do things like that very often, so I know she enjoyed it when she did. Prom was probably a fun time for her. :)

Kristi and me with Mom (not too long after she came home from the hospital)

More recently, I have been able to get a closer look at my mom’s faith. I learned her testimony and we are currently going through 1 Peter together. It’s been cool to see her grow in her faith this past year and to see how God has used the suffering He has allowed in her life to create in her a quiet and gentle spirit that is dependent upon Him (1 Peter 3:4).

Finally, I will leave with this song that I remember my mom singing to Kristi and me when we were young.

Sweep Over My Soul

Sweep over my soul, sweep over my soul
Sweet Spirit, sweep over my soul
My rest is complete when I sit at His feet
Sweet Spirit, sweep over my soul

I love you, Mom, and thank God for you.

Dying Embers

The Lord is very kind to me in more ways than I can count or recount. I am always amazed at how He sends things/people my way at exactly the right time. Although He is sovereign over the universe, He is also very diligent and personal in His dealings with each of His children. I love that about Him.

For the past 9 days, the Lord has been immersing me with sermons and events and videos that have reminded me of His great global purpose, His heart for the nations, the urgent need to share the gospel, and His personal call on my life to take this gospel to those who have no access to it. Last week was Global Evangelization Week at Southern where global ministry workers from around the world came and shared about what God was doing in their parts of the globe. There was a hymn sing, a 24-hour prayer vigil for the nations, and mission-focused chapel messages. I was also able to attend an International Women’s Ministry event at Immanuel Baptist Church and celebrate the Chinese New Year’s with friends. The week ended with the Resolute Conference where the theme was “To the Ends of the Earth.” My weak, self-centered, distracted, waning soul needed these things desperately, as the Lord knew. The truth is, as the Lord has had me in this holding pattern, as I have been waiting and waiting and waiting, as I have faced trials and struggles and painful circumstances, my passion and vision for serving God overseas has faded. In fact, it was on life support. I didn’t doubt my calling, but I could no longer see the end goal. I had gotten so bogged down in the present that I had almost forgotten my life’s aim, my ambition. The burning passion God had placed in my heart to answer His call to “go” had become dying embers.

But God, in His mercy and grace, would not let those embers completely burn out. It is not a mistake that all of these things happened within a week of each other. In fact, they are a direct answer to prayer. I had been asking the Lord (and asking others to ask the Lord for me) to revive my heart for His global mission. Not only had I lost sight of God’s desire for the nations, but I had also forgotten the power of the gospel – the power of the gospel to heal diseases and to save sinners and transform lives. All I could see was the muck and mire that I seemed to be entrenched in. But, like I said, God is very kind to me; kind to reveal my sin to me (I was not trusting Him for good things or even expecting Him to do good things) and kind to turn my heart toward the things that capture His.

It’s bittersweet, though. In the midst of the reminders of the millions of people who have never heard of Jesus Christ, who have no access to His saving gospel message, who have no Bible in their language, comes the cost of going. I’m not talking about financial cost; I’m talking about the cost of leaving people behind. The stakes are higher than ever before in my life now that my dad has cancer and my mom’s health has been questionable. That’s not to mention the possibility of my sister’s eyes continuing to deteriorate. Of course, I have always known there was a cost in going. Anything can happen when you are gone overseas for years at a time. There is no guarantee that you will see the faces of your family members again. But now that fact seems more certain. So I have been asking myself since the year began, should I still go? Is it right to leave behind ailing parents? What does honoring them look like in this situation while still be obedient to the Lord? The Lord Jesus’ answer this week was loud and clear: “Count the cost. Follow me. Trust me. Go.”

Now the LORD said to Abram, “Go from your country and your kindred and your father's house to the land that I will show you. Genesis 12:1

As they were going along the road, someone said to him, “I will follow you wherever you go.” And Jesus said to him, “Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay his head.” To another he said, “Follow me.” But he said, “Lord, let me first go and bury my father.”
And Jesus said to him, “Leave the dead to bury their own dead. But as for you, go and proclaim the kingdom of God.” Yet another said, “I will follow you, Lord, but let me first say farewell to those at my home.” Jesus said to him, “No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God.” Luke 9:57-62

These are hard things. There is a cost to following Jesus. And the question that comes to each of us is, “Is Jesus worth it?” Yes. He is infinitely worthy of anyone or thing we may be called to sacrifice. He is life and He is satisfaction, and it is only in living in daily obedience and surrender to His plan that I will fully experience that life and satisfaction. It doesn’t mean the sacrifice isn’t painful; it is gut-wrenchingly painful. But God once again in His kindness and grace helps us. He gives us the desire and the ability to do the things He has called us to do (Philippians 2:13). He is not a stern commander, but a gentle Shepherd. It’s not like He doesn’t care that we hurt and struggle with some aspects of His call. He is there with us, upholding us, strengthening us, and giving us more of Himself. I believe the last few years of hardship and heartache has prepared me for this very moment. They have provided me with ballast for my sailboat to keep me afloat during life’s storms (to use imagery John Piper used at the conference) – ballasts made of a deep belief in God’s sovereignty and the desire to see the name of Christ made great among the nations.  These weights are what keep me clinging to Jesus when life gets hard and they will be the things that keep me serving Him when I am in a foreign land. He is a sure and steady foundation and He will never disappoint.

Eyes Searching

I started this poem when I was home over Christmas break to express how I was feeling during all the pain and chaos of the most recent events. I finished it (the latter half) when I returned to Louisville.

Eyes searching

Tears flowing

Flowing down

To the ground

Heart breaking

Soul aching

And is down

No hope's found

Darkness closing

Day's fading

Night abounds

All around

Vision leaving

Pain increasing

Relief's not found

Gonna drown

Prayers rising

Hope surprising

Do not fear

God is here

Darkness fleeing

Eyes are seeing

Faith is here

No more tears

Walls falling

Jesus calling

Grace is near

Hope appears

Joy springing

Praises ringing

In my ears

Christ is here!

Contentment & Rest

Contentment – it’s one of those words that, like humility, seems elusive and almost impossible to attain. And it is - apart from Christ. Contentment is also not something that just naturally happens to us or that can be learned easily. No. In my limited experience, contentment is a long, hard lesson that is forged in the refining trials designed by an all-wise and perfect teacher, Jesus Christ. He is contentment.

I have been reflecting on what the Lord has been doing in my life these past two years and this word keeps coming to mind. I believe that was the theme and one of the primary lessons of 2012 (after coming out of 2011, which was a year of brokenness) in almost every area of my life: contentment with the car I drive, with my job, with staying in Louisville, in my singleness, in my circumstances, and with the things God was calling me to do that weren’t necessarily in my plans. Now that’s not to say that I don’t still desire that some of these things were different or that I have “arrived” at some sort of perfect state of contentment, but it is to say that the Lord has done such a work in my heart and life to make me satisfied in where He has me. Contentment, like so many other things, is a gift that God so graciously lavishes on His children.

I rejoiced in the Lord greatly that now at length you have revived your concern for me. You were indeed concerned for me, but you had no opportunity. Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me. Philippians 4:10-13

So this is where God has me and it is good. During this time, He has allowed me to build strong friendships, be a part of an amazing church body and ministry, live with my sister (again), and soak up His Word through sermons and conferences and Bible studies. For these things I am very thankful. Indeed, the lines have fallen for me in pleasant places (Psalm 16:6). It’s only by His strength that I can be content in the things that I would not choose for myself.

In addition/connection (maybe they’re supposed to go together; I don’t know) to this, the Lord has been growing my internal joy and satisfaction in Him. He has been showering me with evidences of His grace. He has been lifting the burdens from my shoulders. He has been turning my sorrow into gladness. And it’s not because my circumstances have changed because, for the most part, they haven’t. There are still some pretty painful realities that I have to deal with, but He has reset my focus to focus on Him who is invisible (Hebrews 11:27), to focus on eternal things instead of things that are temporary (2 Corinthians 4:16-18). He has been so kind to do that. It’s only by His strength that I can keep a proper perspective when circumstances can be so brutal.

One of the sweetest evidences of these things is that God has filled my heart with praise. He has given me a new song (Psalm 40:3). Now I usually have some type of song to the Lord running through my mind, but this is different. Now I am singing out loud. I didn’t realize how much I had not been vocally singing (besides at church) until I was driving to Missouri a few weeks ago. I started singing with the CD I was listening to and realized that I hadn’t heard my voice like that in quite a while. Another sweet evidence is the amount of laughter the Lord has allowed into my life these past few weeks. I mean, for real, I haven’t laughed this much in such a long time (which is a shame because I love to laugh!). Both of these things are evidences of God’s grace. They are both much welcomed gifts from Him after experiencing such painful and difficult things. And part of me (sinfully) fears that they won’t last long, fears that I will return very soon to the dark valley I’ve been is for so, so long.

The Lord convicted me of this fear during the Scarlet Hope Retreat this past weekend. He showed me that I was not expecting Him to do good things or, at least, afraid to hope for good things. But God is a God of good intentions and purposes and plans and gifts (Jeremiah 29:11; Romans 8:28; Ephesians 3:20). He is good and He does good is what the Psalmist says (119:68). In fact, the Bible says that He rewards those who seek Him (Hebrews 11:6). He rewards us with Himself (Jeremiah 29:12-14). So do you see how sinful it is to fear what God has in store for me? Forgive me, Father, and help my unbelief.
 
At the retreat, the Lord was so kind to give me rest. Not physical rest, because I really didn’t sleep that great, but something even better than sleep (which is pretty great) – rest in Him. Jesus Christ is Rest (as my pastor preached on Sunday). He gave me rest in His Word and in His presence. As we worshiped through song and prayer, the Lord was so gracious to overwhelm me with His presence. Something He hasn’t done in quite a long time. I’ve missed experiencing His presence in that way so much!

       One thing have I asked of the LORD,
        that will I seek after:
    that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
        all the days of my life,
    to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
        and to inquire in his temple.
    For he will hide me in his shelter
        in the day of trouble;
    he will conceal me under the cover of his tent;
        he will lift me high upon a rock.
    And now my head shall be lifted up
        above my enemies all around me,
    and I will offer in his tent
        sacrifices with shouts of joy;
    I will sing and make melody to the LORD.
    Hear, O LORD, when I cry aloud;
        be gracious to me and answer me!
    You have said, “Seek my face.”
    My heart says to you,
        “Your face, LORD, do I seek.”
   Give me not up to the will of my adversaries;
        for false witnesses have risen against me,
        and they breathe out violence.
    I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD
        in the land of the living!
    Wait for the LORD;
        be strong, and let your heart take courage;
        wait for the LORD! Psalm 27:4-8, 13-14