A few years ago while I was sitting in a seminary class, one of my professors was giving his testimony of how the Lord revealed to him that he was too strong for God to use in ministry because other people would be able to look at my professor’s life and deeds and think he did it on his own. The Lord then took my professor through a very difficult time and completely broke him so that it was the strength of the Lord that shone through and not that of my professor. This man is one of the most humble men I have ever met. Christ has made him that way and I have no doubt that this breaking by Christ has everything to do with it.
As he was telling this story, I knew that I was just like him. I was too strong. As I have recounted many times over, one of the biggest sins I struggle with is self-sufficiency. Just look at my life; the evidence abounds. For instance, I have the desire to be able to work on my own car. Now there are many reasons for this (it’s cheaper; I like cars; I like to fix/figure things out), but, let’s face it, I really just don’t want to have to depend on anyone else. Like the stubborn two-year old, I want to “do it myself.” The Lord allowed me to see this vividly recently in an interview with the organization with which I hope to go overseas. We were talking about some pretty difficult things from my past and the interviewer kept asking, “Who did you tell about this (at the time)?” My answer each time, “No one.” Then it hit me: Rachel, you are a self-sufficient fool. No wonder the Lord is making you be more vulnerable now with others.
So, when I heard this testimony from my professor, I knew the Lord would have to break me too. So I braced myself for God’s breaking. But it didn’t come. The Lord was very gracious to allow me to complete my seminary degree without this breaking, and so I forgot about it. But after graduation, the real lessons began (the kinds textbooks and classrooms don’t really prepare you for). My life was flooded with disappointments, difficulties, and struggles. My soul was in turmoil and all I could see was the sin—my selfishness and pride and self-righteousness—that these circumstances revealed (Matthew 18:15-19; Luke 6:45). And, through it all, God was silent. I can all-to-well relate with these words from Jonathan Edwards:
I have had a vastly greater sense of my own wickedness, and the badness of my heart, than ever I had before my conversion . . . My wickedness, as I am in myself, has long appeared to me perfectly ineffable, and swallowing up all thought and imagination; like an infinite deluge, or mountain over my head. I know not how to express better what my sins appear to me to be, than by heaping infinite upon infinite, and multiplying infinite by infinite. Jonathan Edwards (quoted by John Piper in “Job: Reversal in Suffering”)But, after the last year and a half or so, I think the Lord has me (or almost has me) where He wants me. My pride has been diminished. My will has been broken. My self-sufficiency has been shattered. My trust in the sovereignty and wisdom of Christ has been solidified. And my identity has taken deeper roots in Christ. Not that I have “arrived,” there is still much, much more work the Lord will continue to do in me. But this period of my life was designed by God for a purpose and I think it is for this very purpose described by Piper (in the same sermon) here:
That’s [below] what God is after, Brothers and Sisters, in your life and mine. If He has to lay you in the hospital, He’ll do that. If He can prosper you, He’ll do that. If it takes your spouse, He’ll do that. If it takes your children, He’ll do that. God is after broken-hearted, child-like joy of faith. Whatever it takes. It’s the most valuable thing He could give you. Whatever it costs is worth it.Even so, Lord Jesus, Your will be done. Amen.
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