Dying Embers

The Lord is very kind to me in more ways than I can count or recount. I am always amazed at how He sends things/people my way at exactly the right time. Although He is sovereign over the universe, He is also very diligent and personal in His dealings with each of His children. I love that about Him.

For the past 9 days, the Lord has been immersing me with sermons and events and videos that have reminded me of His great global purpose, His heart for the nations, the urgent need to share the gospel, and His personal call on my life to take this gospel to those who have no access to it. Last week was Global Evangelization Week at Southern where global ministry workers from around the world came and shared about what God was doing in their parts of the globe. There was a hymn sing, a 24-hour prayer vigil for the nations, and mission-focused chapel messages. I was also able to attend an International Women’s Ministry event at Immanuel Baptist Church and celebrate the Chinese New Year’s with friends. The week ended with the Resolute Conference where the theme was “To the Ends of the Earth.” My weak, self-centered, distracted, waning soul needed these things desperately, as the Lord knew. The truth is, as the Lord has had me in this holding pattern, as I have been waiting and waiting and waiting, as I have faced trials and struggles and painful circumstances, my passion and vision for serving God overseas has faded. In fact, it was on life support. I didn’t doubt my calling, but I could no longer see the end goal. I had gotten so bogged down in the present that I had almost forgotten my life’s aim, my ambition. The burning passion God had placed in my heart to answer His call to “go” had become dying embers.

But God, in His mercy and grace, would not let those embers completely burn out. It is not a mistake that all of these things happened within a week of each other. In fact, they are a direct answer to prayer. I had been asking the Lord (and asking others to ask the Lord for me) to revive my heart for His global mission. Not only had I lost sight of God’s desire for the nations, but I had also forgotten the power of the gospel – the power of the gospel to heal diseases and to save sinners and transform lives. All I could see was the muck and mire that I seemed to be entrenched in. But, like I said, God is very kind to me; kind to reveal my sin to me (I was not trusting Him for good things or even expecting Him to do good things) and kind to turn my heart toward the things that capture His.

It’s bittersweet, though. In the midst of the reminders of the millions of people who have never heard of Jesus Christ, who have no access to His saving gospel message, who have no Bible in their language, comes the cost of going. I’m not talking about financial cost; I’m talking about the cost of leaving people behind. The stakes are higher than ever before in my life now that my dad has cancer and my mom’s health has been questionable. That’s not to mention the possibility of my sister’s eyes continuing to deteriorate. Of course, I have always known there was a cost in going. Anything can happen when you are gone overseas for years at a time. There is no guarantee that you will see the faces of your family members again. But now that fact seems more certain. So I have been asking myself since the year began, should I still go? Is it right to leave behind ailing parents? What does honoring them look like in this situation while still be obedient to the Lord? The Lord Jesus’ answer this week was loud and clear: “Count the cost. Follow me. Trust me. Go.”

Now the LORD said to Abram, “Go from your country and your kindred and your father's house to the land that I will show you. Genesis 12:1

As they were going along the road, someone said to him, “I will follow you wherever you go.” And Jesus said to him, “Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay his head.” To another he said, “Follow me.” But he said, “Lord, let me first go and bury my father.”
And Jesus said to him, “Leave the dead to bury their own dead. But as for you, go and proclaim the kingdom of God.” Yet another said, “I will follow you, Lord, but let me first say farewell to those at my home.” Jesus said to him, “No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God.” Luke 9:57-62

These are hard things. There is a cost to following Jesus. And the question that comes to each of us is, “Is Jesus worth it?” Yes. He is infinitely worthy of anyone or thing we may be called to sacrifice. He is life and He is satisfaction, and it is only in living in daily obedience and surrender to His plan that I will fully experience that life and satisfaction. It doesn’t mean the sacrifice isn’t painful; it is gut-wrenchingly painful. But God once again in His kindness and grace helps us. He gives us the desire and the ability to do the things He has called us to do (Philippians 2:13). He is not a stern commander, but a gentle Shepherd. It’s not like He doesn’t care that we hurt and struggle with some aspects of His call. He is there with us, upholding us, strengthening us, and giving us more of Himself. I believe the last few years of hardship and heartache has prepared me for this very moment. They have provided me with ballast for my sailboat to keep me afloat during life’s storms (to use imagery John Piper used at the conference) – ballasts made of a deep belief in God’s sovereignty and the desire to see the name of Christ made great among the nations.  These weights are what keep me clinging to Jesus when life gets hard and they will be the things that keep me serving Him when I am in a foreign land. He is a sure and steady foundation and He will never disappoint.