2017: Brand New Territory

This year has been a whirlwind of changes and challenges. I usually write a New Year's post and a post reflecting on my new birth in Christ (which was Saturday). Time has been limited - and so has mental clarity - and writing has taken a setback to many other things. While I have a few moments to spare (and this is my third day working on this), I thought I would combine my three annual posts (New Year's, spiritual birthday, and Easter) into one. 

So much has happened since I last had the opportunity to write. This year literally began with change as we moved to Tuscaloosa, Alabama, on January 1 for Daniel's new job. I was seven months pregnant at the time. We have had a lot of change in a very short amount of time (new job for Daniel, new church family, new city, new routines, new house, and a new baby). My introverted and routine-oriented self is still coming to grips with it all. Almost nothing is familiar, which is why I titled this post "Brand New Territory." 

As much as I did not enjoy living in the city of Pittsburgh, it was very painful to leave our church family and dear friends at Renaissance. God used the leadership there as well as the members to grow us in what it means to live by grace, to point others to grace, and to live in deep community with other believers. I miss them so much.

One of our biggest fears in leaving Renaissance was that we wouldn't be able to find a church where living in community with out believers was so central. The Lord was so very kind to connect us to Safe Have Church - Big Sandy the first week we arrived in Tuscaloosa. It wasn't long before the Lord started giving us new friends and opportunities to serve within the church. Even though the people there hardly knew us, they took it upon themselves to take care of us when we arrived and when our son was born. It will take time to develop the depths of friendships that we crave, but we are excited for what God has in store for us in and through this local body of believers. 

During the first month, I spent most of my time cleaning our new house (yep - we're home owners now!) and making it feel like home. I wanted to do a lot of the deep cleaning before our baby boy was born. I thought I had more time than I did, but he surprised us by coming two and a half weeks early. Justus Garrison* was born on Valentine's Day, weighing in at 8 pounds, 10 ounces. 

This is not only new territory for us, but uncharted territory. 

I expect this new year to keep up the theme of new territory as we settle in here and grow in parenting Justus. Even though we don't really have to teach him much in the way of verbal lessons, we can already see our lack of wisdom and strength for this awesome task.

As almost everyone had warned us, the first few weeks were rough. Add to this the fact that Justus was admitted into the hospital when he was two weeks old with omphalitis (an infection in his umbilical cord stump). He was in the hospital for a total of 9 days. It was a very difficult and dark time. It was so hard to see him poked and prodded so much. He had to receive strong doses of IV antibiotics and his IV blew 4 times. Every time they had to do a new IV, they had to stick him multiple times before they could get it to take. It was almost unbearable to watch. I struggled with understanding how this could be for Justus's good and became angry at God as the week wore on for allowing everything to be so hard and painful. He reminded me that He knew intimately what it was like to watch His Son suffer. 

Indeed, that is why we celebrate Easter. God was not only willing for His Son to suffer to save a people for Himself, but He ordained it (Isaiah 53). I confess that this truth, as marvelous as it is, only brought me a little comfort at the time. My heart was embittered towards my heavenly Father for what He was permitting to happen to Justus. I have since repented of my hardness of heart and apathetic spirit - which is why Jesus had to die, to save hard-hearted sinners like me. The cross of Christ proves the depths of God's love for me, even though I had lost sight of that at the time.

I mentioned that Saturday was my spiritual birthday - the day when Jesus Christ gave me new spiritual life (John 3). It has now been 16 years of following the Lord. As I grow in faith and in the knowledge of Him, I realize more and more how much I need His grace. He saved me by His grace and He sustains me by His grace. I bring nothing to the table, except the sin that required His death on my behalf. The Lord reminded me today as I reflected on Him saving me that it is only by His grace that I still believe in Him. It's only by His grace that I did not walk away from the Christian faith when enduring that dark week at the hospital with Justus. We never outgrow our need for the gospel. We need it to save us from our sin and bring us to God and we need it to continue believing in God until we reach Heaven, where our faith will become sight. Reflecting on these truths helps me see Easter, as well as my spiritual birthday, in a different light. These were not just events that happened in the past, but they are events that continue to impact the here and now. 

As Christians, we have much to rejoice in as we think about the Lenten season leading up to Resurrection Sunday. Our sins have been paid for. We have been redeemed. Perfect obedience has been imputed to us. We have been made right with God. We have been adopted as His sons and daughters forever. We have been given the Holy Spirit to lead and guide us. And God Himself will see to it that we endure in faith until the end. Celebrate God's grace with me this Easter season. Without it, we would be hopeless and dead in our sins. But God, being rich in mercy, made us alive together with Christ (Ephesians 2:4-5)!

Photo credit: Gary Franklin Photography (www.garyfranklinphoto.com)

*We chose the name Justus (besides the fact that we just liked the name) because we liked its meaning ("just"). Plus, I liked how it was a biblical name (though not a common one). Garrison is a play off my dad's name, Gary, and means "fortified stronghold" and "son of Gary." 

2016: A World of Possibilities

A new year is upon us. Usually, I enter a new year with the bright hope of new possibilities and opportunities and lofty goals. But not this year. Instead of feeling anticipation, I feel apathetic and maybe even dread. I am not sure why exactly – though usually it’s rooted in a lack of trust in the Lord. Even though Daniel and I were celebrating two years since our first date, I couldn’t help but think about how the year before that my family and I were at a hospital in Missouri receiving news that my dad’s cancer was terminal. My family is at a hospital in Missouri again this New Year’s. This time with the news that my grandma had a heart attack and is not expected to live much longer. I think these painful things have clouded my view and expectation of the good possibilities that lie ahead. Although 2016 will have it’s share of trials and pain to be sure, it will also be filled with many of God’s sweet graces.

Another factor in my lack of excitement, I think, is this new stage of life I am in. I used to be working towards something career-wise and spent a lot of time in ministry. Life looks different now. I am not working towards a career or long-term ministry goal, and I am not as busy with ministry commitments as I used to be. Some of this is because I have a husband to serve and spend time with (which, of course, I want to do), and some of this is due to the fact I am still figuring out what it looks like to serve Jesus here in Pittsburgh.

For my New Year’s post last year, I talked about having an open mind and heart to what direction the Lord wanted to take Daniel and me. Little did I know how much I would struggle in surrendering my will to the Lord last year. It took most of the year for me to lay down my desires for the future at the feet of Jesus and entrust them to His care. Whether it was thinking about motherhood or how I wanted to serve in ministry or where I wanted to live and serve with Daniel – all had to be surrendered, knowing that God’s purposes and plans are always better than mine, even if I can’t recognize or comprehend that truth in the moment. But Jesus gives us the grace we need to do the things He wants (Philippians 2:12-13). He wants us to give ourselves completely to Him. He wants us to trust Him with all that we are. So, with His strength, I told Him I would do whatever He wanted me to do and go wherever He wanted me to go. In short, I told Him that I trusted Him with the future (not that I don’t waver and have to re-surrender these things all over again).

And, really the possibilities are numerous. Daniel finishes coursework in May, takes comps in the summer, and, Lord willing, after that we really could go anywhere...in the world. Or we may wind up staying in Pittsburgh for another year or so. If I would fight to trust the Lord (the good fight of faith) and keep my hands open to whatever He gives, much joy is to be had. Because, as Daniel reminded me yesterday, what makes or breaks our year is not the circumstances we find ourselves in, but whether or not we have joy in Jesus Christ. He is joy and life and hope and peace, and that is what He offers in abundance to me and the rest of His followers. He just wants me to give myself to Him.

Furthermore, I am learning that love and sacrifice is what marriage and the Christian life are all about. As Elisabeth Elliot says, marriage is about “my life for yours.” I obviously didn’t know what doors would open and close when I married Daniel, but I did commit to follow him wherever the Lord led him and to support him in whatever vocation and ministry God granted him. Surrendering my vision for the future is part of dying to myself so that I can better love and support and serve Daniel. Jesus gave Himself over to death for the welfare of His people, and He calls His people to do that for Him and others. Life is to be both Christ-centered and others-centered. And we can only live out this calling as believers in Jesus who are dependent on His Holy Spirit. Let these words shape your heart this new year. I pray they do mine.

Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Philippians 2:3-8

2015: Open Mind and Heart

As I mentioned in yesterday’s belated Christmas post, this year was full of changes. When I wrote my New Year’s post for 2014, I labeled it, “His Purposes Will Ripen Fast,” and boy was that accurate. God purposes did ripen fast, so much so that I ended the year in a new city with a new job and a new last name. Not only that, but my sister got married as well.

When I wrote that post, I could sense that God was about to unfold some of His plans, but I had no idea what direction He was taking me. It was a whirlwind of change that left me reeling at the end of the year and slightly unsettled. Besides lavishing me with His grace and guiding my every step, He also used this season of change to expose some deep-rooted sins. At the heart of them all, though, was the fact that I was not trusting Jesus’ wisdom or love or goodness. I was clinging to my own preconceived notions of what my life should look like with a tight fist as God began breaking me down piece by piece, exposing a heart full of fear and pride and doubt.

But God is a compassionate and loving heavenly Father who knows perfectly how to discipline and redirect and guide and encourage His children (Hebrews 12:5-11). He does not delight in causing us grief (Lamentations 3:32-33), but He does know that sometimes He has to break us down in order to built us back up (Hosea 6:1). I am not pretending that I have “arrived” as far as being broken down or that I’m now in the building-back-up phase; but I do believe that this is what the Lord is currently doing in my life. And with it, He has been slowly bringing me back to who He is and what He has done, to His incomprehensible love and grace.

One of the biggest joys of 2014, of course, was that God answered my prayers for a husband, proving that His timing and will is perfect. He brought Daniel into my life last November and we went on our first date beginning on New Year’s Eve and ending in the wee hours of the morning on New Year’s Day (so one year ago today). Jesus’ grace is so evident in the man that He chose to be my husband; bringing someone into my life that was abundantly more than I could have imagined or hoped for (Ephesians 3:20).

With marriage came many changes all at once (moving, new job, new church, new responsibilities), but the most difficult is the obscurity of the future. I have been on the path to serve God overseas for so long, with a specific goal and vision in mind, thinking my life was going to look a certain way, but now all of that has changed. I mean, my husband and I still want to go overseas, but what that looks like could take so many forms and almost completely destroys all of my preconceived ideas. This has been hard for me. It has also been hard realizing that I am not as open to whatever God has for me as I thought I was or said I was. This is a recent realization and conviction and I am just now beginning the journey of asking the Lord for a posture of heart that is open to whatever it is He wants for us. [Though the new possibilities are exciting! ;)]

As 2014 came to a close, I struggled a lot. My poor husband had to endure my weekly breakdowns as I was wavering in my faith and struggling to look past my pain and circumstances. Underlying most of it, I believe, was the fact that I was still grieving. When the one year mark came of my dad’s death, I expected for things to be better, but instead it felt worse. I had more questions than I had before, had trouble trusting God’s wisdom in taking him, and my heart hurt incessantly. Thankfully, God brought a little booklet across my path that reassured me that this was normal (because, to make matters worse, I was down on myself for still struggling) and that I needed to allow myself to grieve (which I wasn’t doing). So I have been trying to do a better job of sharing with my husband these struggles and this pain, and he has been more than gracious and supportive through it all. Daniel has been one of God’s means of grace and comfort through all this.

What 2015 has in store, I have no clue. I pray that it is a year of tremendous growth in trusting the Lord and that He shows me how to best serve Him in this city. One thing I do know, and I’m starting to cling to, is that whatever this new year brings, good or bad, Jesus Christ is in control of it all and He has good and glorious purposes behind each and every circumstance. He who calls us is faithful and we can surely trust Him.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11 

2014: His Purposes Will Ripen Fast

Last year when I was writing my blog post reflecting on 2012 and looking forward to 2013, I titled it “Trust Him for His Grace.” When I wrote that I had in mind trusting God for good things, pleasant circumstances, a better year. But the Lord had something different in mind. The title still deemed to prove true, though; just in a different respect. This year proved to be much harder than 2012, but God’s grace was just as sufficient. The dependence I had learned in the previous year only deepened as this year slowly unfolded. And while the circumstances didn’t lighten or become favorable (indeed, they grew quite grim), Christ was still very much present and still very much in control. In fact, the details of the events were too perfect to not to have been ordained by God.

By sovereign grace, He places you in daily, little moments that are designed to take you beyond your character, wisdom, and grace so that you will seek the help and hope that can only be found in Him. In a lifelong process of change, He is undoing you and rebuilding you again — exactly what each one of us needs. Paul Tripp, “Trading One Dramatic Resolution for 10,000 Little Ones”

So God is constantly at work in each of our lives. Nothing escapes His notice and nothing catches Him by surprise. Everything in our lives in under His sovereign control and He has loving and just purposes for everything He allows to happen. Nothing is arbitrary or random. There is no such thing as luck or fortune or happenstance. Jesus Christ is intimately involved in every detail, upholding all things by the word of His power (Hebrews 1:3). And for those who are believers, this involvement is for our good. I find much hope and comfort and strength in that. Nothing in my life is random; all of it is totally meaningful because Jesus Christ is risen and reigning and ruling over my life in such as way as to make all things work together for my good and, ultimately, to make me more like Himself (Romans 8:28-29). This is His will for me and every other believer.

So Jesus will continue His work of “undoing me and rebuilding me again” as this new year unfolds. The circumstances will look different, but the purposes remain the same. I have no idea what kind of joys and heartaches await me in 2014, but Christ does and His grace is more than sufficient for every one of them. As this new year begins, I have many things to pray about and consider. The Lord has had me in this waiting period for several years now and it seems that His plans and purposes for the next phase of my life are about to be revealed. So, as I look to 2014, I am going to continue the William Cowper theme from last year. The speed at which things are progressing regarding the near future and the decisions I need to make regarding them, lead me to believe that God's purposes are going to ripen fast. I don’t even pretend know what those purposes are (because they are usually far different than I expect), but I feel pretty sure that God is fixing to unveil them...and I'm pretty excited about that. 

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust Him for His grace;
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.
His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flower. William Cowper, “God Moves in Mysterious Ways”

2013: Trust Him for His Grace

My very dear child, What shall I say! A holy and good God has covered us with a dark cloud. O that we may kiss the rod, and lay our hands upon our mouths! The Lord has done it. He has made me adore his goodness, that we had [your father] so long. But my God lives; and he has my heart. O what a legacy my husband, and your father, has left us! We are all given to God; and there I am, and love to be. Your affectionate mother, Sarah Edwards. [From a letter Sarah wrote to her daughter Esther when she found out that her husband had died from smallpox. Quoted by John Piper in his sermon “Job: Wrestling with Suffering.”]

The last days of 2012 went by in a daze, full of tears and sorrow. Now 2013 is here. I almost cannot believe another year has past. Where has it gone? The Lord’s hand has indeed been heavy during last year’s final months, but He did not leave Himself without witness. In fact, He had been preparing my sister and me for the trials we now face in numerous ways, especially as He taught us about His sovereignty and goodness in suffering. It would be easy to look back of the last year or so and recount the many difficulties and trials the Lord allowed into our lives and I had thought about doing that, but I read a post about the taken-for-granted goodness of God that made me rethink this post. “Where was God in the goodness of 2012?” is what this article asks; I can ask myself the same question.

• Where was God when I drove 20,000+ miles without an accident or even a speeding ticket?
• Where was God when I ate out almost every weekend and never got food poisoning?
• Where was God when I didn’t get the stomach virus my sister had or the numerous other illnesses other people I knew had?
• Where was God for all the miles I ran without twisting my ankle?
• Where was God in all the times I have walked through dark parking lots without being assaulted?
• Where was God in all the times I’ve said the right thing or bit my tongue to not say the wrong thing?
• Where was God every time I needed my next breath?

Answer: He was right there. He was reigning in sovereign power and wisdom on His throne. He was providing. He was protecting my coming in and my going out. He was directing my steps. It’s easy to lose sight of all the “smaller” ways that God shows evidences of His grace because we take them for granted. The Word is clear that Christ upholds all things by the word of His power and that every good and every perfect gift comes from Him, so there are many, many reasons to be thankful on a daily basis for God’s abundant goodness and grace. No wonder the Scripture tells us to always be thankful (1 Thessalonians 5:18).

There are so many things that I can thank God for as I reflect upon 2012, but there is one thing that stands out the most. And that is that my cousin, in whom I invested and for whom I prayed for 10 years, was saved by Christ. By God’s grace, he went from a life of addictions and rebellion to a life that seeks to please the Lord. And, also by God’s grace, I have spent the last several days of the year watching his zeal and hunger for the Lord grow. He has been a ray of light in the midst of this darkness.

So, as always, I have a choice. I can choose to waste my suffering, waste the hard things the Lord has given me, or I can choose to bow before my Maker and trust Him for His goodness and grace, even though it has been veiled by the present circumstances. Although cancer and infections and illnesses and disappointments and hurtful words are not good in and of themselves, they are designed by Jesus Christ for good, and there is hope in that. He is in control. He is good. He does as He pleases and He pleases to do me good (Jeremiah 29:11). So even though the pain is real and the burdens are heavy, there is joy: the joy that Jesus Christ is with me and He is working in such a way (a way that is often unseen to me) to make me and my family more like Christ and to exalt His name through us. And the truth is that I do not have the strength for these things nor do I even have the strength to make the right choice of focusing on and trusting in Christ through all this, but His grace is sufficient, and when I am weak He is very strong, and He works in me both to will and do the things that please Him. And as I look to the year ahead, Christ is helping me trust Him for His grace. He has good things in store. :)

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust Him for His grace;
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.
His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flower. William Cowper, “God Moves in Mysterious Ways”

Out with 2011, In with 2012

This year is almost gone and although I am more than ready to kiss 2011 goodbye, the year hasn’t been a total loss. In fact, I have probably experienced more spiritual growth this year than any other. So, here is this year in review:

2011 Goals

Before this year began, I set some goals to accomplish. How did I do?

1. Focus in on a few particular ministries and relationships, so as not to be too scattered or busy. Um, the Lord pretty much took care of this for me as He weeded people and things out of my life. So, I guess you can say I accomplished this goal, but it was all the Lord’s doings.
2. Finish memorizing Ephesians. Check.
3. Develop and refine my photography skills. I really didn't do much with this goal until this past month. I invested in a Nikon digital SLR, which I am super excited about. Hopefully, this goal will be more fully realized in 2012. :)
4. Do a better job of actually eating meals for dinner. Living with Kristi has actually helped me a great deal with the goal, so I have greatly improved in this area.
5. Start a savings account/use the one I actually have. I forgot this was one of my goals (tsk, tsk), so no progress has been made. :(

2011 Lessons

For we do not want you to be ignorant, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired even of life itself. Indeed, for we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. 2 Corinthians 1:8-9

Where do I begin? This year has felt like one giant lesson as the Lord has put me through His crucible of refinement. He has taught me much about humility, dependence, trust, contentment and the richness of His Word. All of which, I am sure, I will continue to learn more about until He takes me home. It’s been hard and painful, but the fruit it has produced in me has been sweet. A.W. Tozer sums it up well in his book The Pursuit of God:

“Let us remember that when we talk of rending the veil we are speaking in a figure, and the thought of it is poetical, almost pleasant, but in actuality there is nothing pleasant about it. In human experience that veil is made of living spiritual tissue; it is composed of the sentient, quivering stuff of which our whole beings consist, and to touch it is to touch us where we feel pain. To tear it away is to injure us, to hurt us and make us bleed. To say otherwise is to make the cross no cross and death no death at all. It is never fun to die. To rip through the dear and tender stuff of which life is made can never be anything but deeply painful. Yet that is what the cross did to Jesus and it is what the cross would do to every man to set him free.”

2011 Ministry

I began serving with Scarlet Hope at the beginning of this year. It is one of the few reasons I can visibly see for why I am still in Louisville. God is doing amazing things through this ministry and I am privileged to be a small part of it. I have been serving at various clubs throughout the year, waiting and hoping to be able to build relationships in order to share Christ. Finally, after waiting almost a year, I finally have a club I am consistently going to and have been able to make connections there. If you think of it, please pray for us as we go out to serve these ladies on Thursday nights.
For the majority of this year, Scarlet Hope was the only ministry the Lord opened for me. I looked into other ministry opportunities, but a lot of them were starting in the future or took time to get involved in. God sort of had me in a holding period. When August hit, however, the door to ministry seemed to fly wide open. I was asked to teach children’s Sunday School at Rolling Fields and, after much prayer, I accepted the offer. The apartment ministry at RF, which was slowly developing, offered more volunteer opportunities (including helping to lead an onsite Bible study) and, most recently, I started leading the Missions Team at church.

I mentioned a few posts back that the Lord started turning my heart toward East Asia. I then began to look for ways to get involved with people from that part of the world. There were more East Asian ministries than I realized and, with the Lord’s guidance, I started attending a fellowship geared to reaching this people. I have begun building relationships with several Asian ladies and the Lord continually opens the door for me to share Christ with them.

2011 Highlights

Kristi and I got to do some pretty cool things together this year. Like, travel to both New York and Central Asia:

Broadway in NYC

The Galata Tower in Central Asia

2011’s Final Roar

The last week of this year has been difficult. I lost The Z. I had to tell my boss that I was leaving Papers Unique (after 3.5 years) and even though it is with the Lord’s leading, it didn’t make it any easier. On Monday, I went to my grandma’s house to clean out her fridges and freezers. Her electric had been off for a week, so it was a messy job. The house was cold and empty, and I realized that it would probably never be the same again. Then there are the burdens of the sufferings and trials of the ones I love – burdens that I feel and bear right along with them. I have felt the weight of them most acutely these past few months and when I asked the Lord who would bear me up under this load, He led me to this verse:

Blessed be the Lord, who daily bears us up; God is our salvation. Psalm 68:19

Oh, yeah. He knows more than I ever will what it is like to bear the burdens of others.

Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2

Looking to 2012

2012 is already beginning to look different. I am driving a different car. I will be starting a new job. The next step in getting overseas is in February and it is coming quickly. I can sense the Lord working in my life again and it is exciting (not that He hasn’t been working; He just hasn’t allowed me to perceive it), and, even though I have no idea what 2012 will bring, I welcome it with open arms.

Happy New Year!

The Year of the Lord’s Favor

It has been a year since I graduated from Southern.  It was probably one of my top experiences because so much hard work had gone into my studies and the Lord had grown me and taught me so much about Himself through them. My life looks much different now than it did then. When I graduated, I thought I knew the direction the Lord was taking me. I was sort-of seeing a godly guy, which, at the time, the Lord was clearly leading in. I knew the region of the world that I wanted to serve in and I thought I knew what that serving would look like. The year of 2010 was like my mountaintop experience. I could see and sense the Lord clearly working in many areas of my life and it was exciting.

Then, enter 2011. Everything seemed to change. I went from the mountaintop into a dark valley. The people I hung around, the ministries I was involved in and my desires for the future all began to look different. The Lord was doing a deep work in my heart - purging, refining and humbling me so as to make me more like Christ. He began taking away many people and things from my life - my laptop was stolen, the relationship ended, ministry opportunities stagnated and friendships changed. Even my future seemed less certain. The desire for serving and living overseas never did, but the where and what did. South Asia had been my focus, but the Lord slowly began shifting my interest and desire to East Asia. Then there was His continual dealings with my sinfulness. And the very worst part of it all was that Jesus was silent. For eight long months, I could not sense Him working around me or leading me in any kind of direction except in one way: while I was in His Word, He took me to passages that explained why He had led me into the valley (Deuteronomy 8:2-10). I learned to identify with Job, cry out with the psalmists and see first-hand that I had a High Priest who could identify with my weaknesses because He had experienced them Himself but without sin (Hebrews 4:15).

This year has definitely been one of brokenness and waiting. The Lord has been breaking my independent and self-sufficient nature so as to make more and more dependent on Him. He has taught me my own weakness and insignificance apart from Him. He is also teaching me how to be vulnerable with others and how to truly grieve. I am so thankful that the Lord counts every tear (Psalm 56:8), because I have cried more this year than probably all my years put together. I am not one to cry. I grew up in a home that taught that crying was a sign of weakness. Even though I later learned better, my prideful self still acted as though it was true. I had become accustomed to being disconnected with my emotions. Sometimes this can be helpful in the moment in order to think more rationally, but eventually, I need to work through things and because I refused to deal with the pain immediately, it usually crept back up later. So, the Lord is helping me to share my burdens and tears with others. Not an easy or enjoyable lesson...but it is a humbling one.

Waiting has been another theme of this year. Patience isn't always my strong suit, but it is starting to become one as the Lord refuses to give me any clarity for the future and refuses to answer some of the questions that have risen from the events of this year. He just tells me to wait and trust. Sigh. His ways are not mine and neither are His thoughts (Isaiah 55:8-9). My next step in getting overseas is not until February of next year. Wait and trust. My work future is still up in the air. Wait and trust. I still don't understand some of the events of this year. Wait and trust. Sometimes I fear I will never get to the field. Wait and trust. Another sigh. The Lord reminded me the other week of how the Israelites were wandering in the wilderness. He was with them the whole way - leading them, providing for them and teaching them. He would lead them by day with a cloud and by night with a pillar of fire. Wherever the cloud rested, the Israelites were to set up camp. They were to stay there until the Lord took up the cloud and moved on and, then, they were to pack back up in follow. For now, the Lord has settled me in Louisville and His cloud is still resting here. He told them when it was time to go and will tell me as well. I guess this is my time to stay.

The events of this year began to take their toll physically last month. I developed a sharp pain in my shoulder/left side of neck that sent me to the chiropractor for the first time. The chiropractor said that it was due to stress and that I carry my stress in that area of my body. It was like physical evidence of the Lord's heavy hand this year (Psalm 32:4). As 2011 draws to a close, I am looking forward expectantly to 2012. I have spent the majority of this year studying the Book of Isaiah. As I read through the book, I felt like I was living what Isaiah was talking about. Near the end of the book, Isaiah speaks of the "Year of the Lord's Favor" (Isaiah 61:2). My prayer is that 2012 will be the year of the Lord's favor for me. Not that I am not in His favor because all of those who are in Christ are in God's favor (Ephesians 1:1-14) and His disciplining of me is evidence of His favor (Hebrews 12:3-11), but I pray that His favor is seen more outwardly in the coming year. Nonetheless, I want Him to complete the refining work He has began in me so that I will be "perfect and entire, lacking nothing" (James 1:2-4).

Of course, I have much to be thankful for in 2011. Even though the Lord took away ministry opportunities for a while, He brought them back in full force during the latter part of the year so that my schedule is quite full. He is deepening my friendships and my roots at Rolling Fields. Actually, RF is one of my favorite things about staying here. It will be hard to leave them when it comes time. Though I cannot say I am thankful for the events of this year, I am very thankful for their sweet fruit. I have probably experienced more growth in Christ this year than in any other. The Lord has taught me about His complete sovereignty and goodness, how He is my portion, how to feed on His Word and how to trust Him when all I see is dark. In the words of Andrew Peterson, "The aching my remain, but the breaking does not" (from his Silence of God song).

Wisdom and Planning in Light of God's Providence

The Lord's lessons are not sporadic. He is the perfect Teacher. I have said this and witnessed this first-hand numerous times. Yet again, I find it to be true. I have this small card with a verse on it that I have used as a bookmark this past year to mark the reading plan I have been using in my Bible. I read it sporadically when I moved the card out of my way, but last night I really read it. The Lord by His Spirit used it to grab my attention and heart. It reads:

Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and all your plans will succeed. Proverbs 16:3

I started thinking about the store where I work and all the dreams that my boss and I have for it. I then thought that this would be a perfect verse for us to use for the business side of the store. Instead of hoping in our own plans and ideas, we should pray over them and commit them to the Lord. Sounds like a no-brainer, right? For some reason, it never occurred to me. Pray for the store, yes. Pray for good sale days, yes. But pray about our marketing, sales and managerial plans...

Anyway, today I worked my first bridal show on behalf of Papers Unique. It was a great way to meet future brides (and potential customers) and network with other businesses. Since I was unable to attend RF this morning due to the show, I went to one of the Sunday night services at Sojourn Community Church. And just what did the sermon "happen" to be about? Wisdom and planning from Proverbs 16. Yep, that's right. I took notes like a mad woman and cannot wait to share them with my boss.

I am a planner by nature so the sermon was good for me on many levels. There are too many times when I trust my own plans instead of submitting them to the Lord and fully trusting Him and His plans. God is in control of all things and all of His plans are good...and much better than my own.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

Furthermore, I was reminded of God's amazing grace. His grace covers our mistakes, failed plans and bad decisions. His grace also gives us freedom. We plan by grace. We don't plan under the burden of performance. He gives us freedom to make decisions by following the principles He gives and committing the decisions we make to Him. When we fail, we need not despair because we are living for something more than our own plans - His Kingdom.

I guess that means I need to commit my goals for 2011 to the Lord, huh? :)

By the way, Papers Unique has been nominated again for WHAS11's Best of Kentuckiana in Invitations. Help us keep our title and vote for us by clicking here.

Bookend Events of 2010

This is my last post of 2010, which is crazy to think about. This year has flown by. It was full of challenges, blessings and unforgettable experiences through which God has given me a clearer vision of the future, grown my faith and drawn me closer to Christ. As I think about the year, two major events stand out: South Asia and graduation.
As you well know, I spent the first half of the year overseas working with slum children. It was by far the best experience I have ever had. The Lord taught me so much about daily dependence on Him and further revealed His heart to me for the nations. I was stretched outside my comfort zone more ways that I can count and discovered the ways that God has (as well as has not) wired me for serving Him.

The last half of the year brought me back to Louisville to finish my coursework at Southern. It was one of my best semesters subject-wise, which served as a fitting end to an already wonderful trek towards earning my master's degree.

It all seems so surreal and am so thankful to Christ for these amazing experiences and lessons. I am excited to see what 2011 will bring. I have no doubt that there will be new challenges, new blessings, new growth opportunities in Christ, new answers to prayer, new prayer requests, new opportunities to trust God...
I have no idea what is in store but I trust the One who does.

          My frame was not hidden from you,
          when I was being made in secret,
          intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
          Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
          in your book were written, every one of them,
          the days that were formed for me,
          when as yet there was none of them.
          How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
          How vast is the sum of them!
          If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
          I awake, and I am still with you. Psalm 139:15-18

Now, I am not one for making New Year's resolutions, but I have set a few goals for 2011:

1. Focus in on a few particular ministries and relationships (as the Lord leads) so as not to be so scattered or busy. I am following two ministry leads right now -  one connected with Rolling Fields and one connected with a local organization. I have training for both coming up in the next two weeks and I am so excited about both.
2. Finish memorizing Ephesians
3. Develop and refine my photography skills
4. Do a better job of eating actual meals for dinner (#1 should help with this)
5. Start a savings account...or rather put money into the one I already have :)

Kristi and I are fixin' to head out for Frosties and a Redbox movie to bring in the new year, so...

Happy New Year's!