Lessons in Motherhood and Faith: Brokenness

The past few days have been exhausting. I have been playing single mom while Daniel has been away on a work trip. Justus hasn't been sleeping well, which means I haven't been sleeping well (though I usually don't sleep very well while Daniel is away). And a lot of my plans haven't worked out quite right, which has added to the stress.

But I have enjoyed the quiet evenings to myself, which has allowed me to journal and think through some things. Hence, this post.

Today marks 17 years of walking with the Lord. That means that half of my life now I have been a Christian. (This also marks the 10th year since I first blogged about this.) That's crazy to think about. Seventeen years is a long time. I have changed so much since that time and learned so much more about God and salvation and Jesus Christ as well.

Last year, continuing into this year, was a year of breaking and refining for me. Motherhood has tested my faith and stretched me in ways I could have never imagined. God has used this new role to chip away at my self-sufficiency and independence in new ways. It really is a daily dying to self for the sake of another who is completely helpless. But isn't that the gospel? Jesus died to pay for the sins of those who could not help themselves so that they could be restored to a right relationship with God. I should rejoice that I get to identify with His sufferings in such a small way.

But I don't.

I complain. I baulk. I doubt. I get discouraged.

One of the problems I realized I have - shamefully - is that I don't have a high view of motherhood. I have this underlying feeling that I should be doing more (as in more ministry outside of the home - my view of that is too exalted). I don't think this feeling comes from God. I think it comes from me finding my worth in things I do - especially things that people can see. (It was really hard to write that last sentence).

But what the Lord has been showing me is that I should be content with what He gives me and where He has me. "The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance" (Psalm 16:6). The influence I have on my son is an awesome privilege and responsibility. He needs the gospel just as much as anyone I might meet in an outside-the-home ministry. Motherhood is a high calling and a gift. And it's hard. It's constant and demanding and there's no manual. But there is God. And He promises to equip us with everything we need to do His will.

I recently read two articles from Desiring God that spoke into my situation and encouraged my faith. You can find them here and here. I was reminded through them that God wants me to be broken and humbly dependent on Him and that knowing Christ (which comes through brokenness) is better than any gains I could perceive (like sleep, ministry, down time - did I mention sleep?). The breaking has a purpose. It's to make me a better disciple and mom and wife and friend, etc. I often think I have a better idea of what would make me "better" and it usually doesn't involve anything uncomfortable. One of the articles stated, "Though it feels like we [mothers] are being killed all the day long, [Jesus] is renewing us inside." She reminded me that "death precedes life," something that I had forgotten. I was so consumed with how much I was dying that I lost sight of the fact that in Christ a resurrection is coming. He brings death out of life, and only in knowing Him in His suffering and death will I be able to know Him in His resurrection. This is hope. This is what I needed.

Because, honestly, the last year or so, I have not been in a good place spiritually. And I've hated it. But the truths from these articles have been like fresh water to a dehydrated soul. Instead of giving into complaining and grumbling because things don't go the way I'd like, I have been fighting to trust that God is working for my good (this has been especially hard the past few days, but the Lord has been helping me). He breaks us to bind us. He humbles us to exalt us. He reveals His strength in our weakness. He refines us so that we may know Him more. Therein is true life and joy.

My faith may not be where I would like it to be, but that's not where my focus should be anyway. It should be on the One in whom my faith rests and He will hold me fast.

2017: Brand New Territory

This year has been a whirlwind of changes and challenges. I usually write a New Year's post and a post reflecting on my new birth in Christ (which was Saturday). Time has been limited - and so has mental clarity - and writing has taken a setback to many other things. While I have a few moments to spare (and this is my third day working on this), I thought I would combine my three annual posts (New Year's, spiritual birthday, and Easter) into one. 

So much has happened since I last had the opportunity to write. This year literally began with change as we moved to Tuscaloosa, Alabama, on January 1 for Daniel's new job. I was seven months pregnant at the time. We have had a lot of change in a very short amount of time (new job for Daniel, new church family, new city, new routines, new house, and a new baby). My introverted and routine-oriented self is still coming to grips with it all. Almost nothing is familiar, which is why I titled this post "Brand New Territory." 

As much as I did not enjoy living in the city of Pittsburgh, it was very painful to leave our church family and dear friends at Renaissance. God used the leadership there as well as the members to grow us in what it means to live by grace, to point others to grace, and to live in deep community with other believers. I miss them so much.

One of our biggest fears in leaving Renaissance was that we wouldn't be able to find a church where living in community with out believers was so central. The Lord was so very kind to connect us to Safe Have Church - Big Sandy the first week we arrived in Tuscaloosa. It wasn't long before the Lord started giving us new friends and opportunities to serve within the church. Even though the people there hardly knew us, they took it upon themselves to take care of us when we arrived and when our son was born. It will take time to develop the depths of friendships that we crave, but we are excited for what God has in store for us in and through this local body of believers. 

During the first month, I spent most of my time cleaning our new house (yep - we're home owners now!) and making it feel like home. I wanted to do a lot of the deep cleaning before our baby boy was born. I thought I had more time than I did, but he surprised us by coming two and a half weeks early. Justus Garrison* was born on Valentine's Day, weighing in at 8 pounds, 10 ounces. 

This is not only new territory for us, but uncharted territory. 

I expect this new year to keep up the theme of new territory as we settle in here and grow in parenting Justus. Even though we don't really have to teach him much in the way of verbal lessons, we can already see our lack of wisdom and strength for this awesome task.

As almost everyone had warned us, the first few weeks were rough. Add to this the fact that Justus was admitted into the hospital when he was two weeks old with omphalitis (an infection in his umbilical cord stump). He was in the hospital for a total of 9 days. It was a very difficult and dark time. It was so hard to see him poked and prodded so much. He had to receive strong doses of IV antibiotics and his IV blew 4 times. Every time they had to do a new IV, they had to stick him multiple times before they could get it to take. It was almost unbearable to watch. I struggled with understanding how this could be for Justus's good and became angry at God as the week wore on for allowing everything to be so hard and painful. He reminded me that He knew intimately what it was like to watch His Son suffer. 

Indeed, that is why we celebrate Easter. God was not only willing for His Son to suffer to save a people for Himself, but He ordained it (Isaiah 53). I confess that this truth, as marvelous as it is, only brought me a little comfort at the time. My heart was embittered towards my heavenly Father for what He was permitting to happen to Justus. I have since repented of my hardness of heart and apathetic spirit - which is why Jesus had to die, to save hard-hearted sinners like me. The cross of Christ proves the depths of God's love for me, even though I had lost sight of that at the time.

I mentioned that Saturday was my spiritual birthday - the day when Jesus Christ gave me new spiritual life (John 3). It has now been 16 years of following the Lord. As I grow in faith and in the knowledge of Him, I realize more and more how much I need His grace. He saved me by His grace and He sustains me by His grace. I bring nothing to the table, except the sin that required His death on my behalf. The Lord reminded me today as I reflected on Him saving me that it is only by His grace that I still believe in Him. It's only by His grace that I did not walk away from the Christian faith when enduring that dark week at the hospital with Justus. We never outgrow our need for the gospel. We need it to save us from our sin and bring us to God and we need it to continue believing in God until we reach Heaven, where our faith will become sight. Reflecting on these truths helps me see Easter, as well as my spiritual birthday, in a different light. These were not just events that happened in the past, but they are events that continue to impact the here and now. 

As Christians, we have much to rejoice in as we think about the Lenten season leading up to Resurrection Sunday. Our sins have been paid for. We have been redeemed. Perfect obedience has been imputed to us. We have been made right with God. We have been adopted as His sons and daughters forever. We have been given the Holy Spirit to lead and guide us. And God Himself will see to it that we endure in faith until the end. Celebrate God's grace with me this Easter season. Without it, we would be hopeless and dead in our sins. But God, being rich in mercy, made us alive together with Christ (Ephesians 2:4-5)!

Photo credit: Gary Franklin Photography (www.garyfranklinphoto.com)

*We chose the name Justus (besides the fact that we just liked the name) because we liked its meaning ("just"). Plus, I liked how it was a biblical name (though not a common one). Garrison is a play off my dad's name, Gary, and means "fortified stronghold" and "son of Gary." 

From Pride to Praise

Yesterday I turned 33. I know that's not really considered a milestone age, but I couldn't help thinking that this was the age that Jesus Christ died. He lived a short life and it was a hard life in the sense of being misunderstood and rejected and carrying the weight and sorrows of the world. His life ended abruptly by betrayal, an unjust trial, severe beatings and humiliation, and crucifixion. He died that we might live. His life purchased my life and restored me to God. I can live because of Him.

I have to admit my life is not what I imagined it would be at this point. That's been hard for me to accept in many ways, which shows my arrogance in thinking that I know better than God what is best for me. I was hit with this truth during last Sunday's sermon at Renaissance. We had a guest preacher who preached from James 4:13-17, about boasting about the future. He did not sugar coat what Jesus through James is condemning us Christians for: we arrogantly think we can make our plans without regard to God and when things don't go our way, we get bent out of shape. The preacher said that God, in His grace, sometimes painfully chips away at our plans to expose and crush this arrogance so that the arrogance doesn't crush us. Ultimately, Jesus Christ died for our arrogance on the cross.

I can see this arrogance in my own life. I had a particular vision of what I wanted my life and ministry to look like. And when God started messing with my plans, then I struggled. I became confused and grumbled against the Lord's leading, and sometimes I fell into despair. I was more sold out to my own vision of the future than I was to following Jesus wherever He may lead. I had my hands clenched tightly around my plans and over these past couple of years, Jesus has been prying my fingers off those plans. And it hurt. I felt like a failure. I felt like I was missing God's will, that I had gone down the wrong path. But the truth is that I was balking against God's work in my life because it didn't fit nicely into the path I had designed for myself. There is nothing inherently wrong with the dreams I had, but there was in my heart attitude towards them. In my zeal to serve God overseas and in dreaming about ministry, I had begun to idolize and worship them instead of continually seeking God and His guidance and allowing Him to guide and shape my heart.

Although the Lord has been teaching me to surrender to Him in all areas of life, this especially hit home while listening to this sermon. My problem was not only idolizing my plans, but my problem is arrogance. I thought I was wiser than God when it came to knowing how to best use my life. I wanted Him to bow down to my plans and make them successful like He was some genie who was at my bidding. This realization was hard and heavy. But God is so very kind to reveal these heart attitudes to me, so that I could repent and begin living in the freedom He has called me to in Christ.

I have continued to think about these things over the past few days. And yesterday it hit me: although my life isn't what I envisioned, God has blessed me with so many good things. I do like what He is doing in my life. I am thankful I am where I am. And with that realization comes so much freedom. I don't have to worry or wonder whether my life looks a certain way. Jesus only requires me to be faithful to Him and that means heeding His Word and following Him. He is not as concerned about the destination (career, ministry, etc) as I am; He is more concerned with the process of me getting there (knowing Him deeper, growing in Christlikeness and in community, being faithful, dying to myself). So, yes, I am not in Asia; I am not in full-time ministry; I have no idea if the dreams I am surrendering to God will ever be fulfilled; BUT God has blessed me with everything I need in Christ Jesus. He has been teaching me about living in His grace and living life in community. He has blessed me with a very sweet marriage to a godly man and we have a baby boy on the way. He gives me constant opportunities to minister to others in a variety of ways. He is good and does good (Psalm 119:68). I have so much to be thankful for.

Pushing Past the Seen

Things that are seen. These are the things that command our attention, that fight for our joy. And once again, I found myself fixated on what is tangible. I am in my second pregnancy. The first one ended in a miscarriage 8 weeks in. When I came to the seventh and eighth weeks in this pregnancy, I fought hard to trust the Lord and not give into anxiety. Yet, I was looking to the things I can see or feel to determine how well this pregnancy was going. Was I nauseous? Did I have food aversions? Yes. Good; the pregnancy must be going well. But I experienced spotting for over a week. What did that mean? Was that a sign of a miscarriage? If only my first appointment would come and I could hear the heartbeat...if there is a heartbeat…

Then the Lord brought me to this timely verse one morning:

¹⁶ So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. ¹⁷ For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, ¹⁸ as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

I am well acquainted with this verse, but I needed a fresh reminder. I had been focusing on the visible; trusting in what I can sense or see or feel, instead of trusting in the promises of God. I was trusting in feeling nauseous and food aversions and the absence spotting to reassure myself that everything was okay. But the Word of God is more true that the tangible things around me, and He holds out beautiful promises of future grace to those who trust in Him – promises that never fail.

Yet, even though God brought this lack of trust to my attention, I continued to struggle. I knew I needed to focus on the unseen things, but visible things were what continued to consume my attention and fuel my fears. I needed specific unseen things to focus on. I needed specific promises besides the broader truths that God was sovereign and was working for my good.

Once again, God in His grace met me in my struggles and unbelief. That weekend the sermon at church was from Psalm 139. I studied it beforehand to prepare for the sermon and God used that psalm to remind me of His constant care and presence. He has been with this child from the beginning – before I even knew this little life existed – and He was the One fashioning him or her together. More than that, God has a plan for this child, regardless of how this pregnancy ends. Just like He has numbered and planned my days, He has numbered and planned the days of this little one, no matter how many or few. Furthermore, God promises not to withhold good from His children (Psalm 84:11). Therefore, if the birth and life of this child is good for my husband and me, God will not withhold him or her from us. The same was true with our first pregnancy. Even though we went through a valley of darkness and pain in miscarriage, we watched God work in our marriage and through our lives to strengthen relationships, minister to those suffering in similar circumstances, and draw us closer to Christ. It was good for us to be afflicted in that way (Psalm 119:71), so that we may grow in faith and love and the knowledge of Christ. 

So I am still waiting for my first appointment* and I still have the thought of miscarriage hovering in the back of my mind, but I have a renewed confidence in God’s wise care and plans. His abundant grace is available each day and His mercies are new every morning. They never run dry. And nothing catches Him by surprise. He knows how our first doctor’s appointment will go. He knows how this pregnancy will end. And I can lean into Him and trust what He has in store. Because He is not only working for mine and my husband’s good, but He is working for the good of this baby and of His church and for the glory of His name. I cannot control what is going on inside of me, but I can trust the One who is in control. He is working in the unseen places and in unseen ways, and what cannot be seen now will one day reveal His omnipotent wisdom and goodness and glory to all.

*This post has been in the works for several weeks. Daniel and I had our first appointment last Tuesday. And the Lord in His kindness met us in our doubts and fears and allowed us to hear the heartbeat. :) We are thankful for such a gift!

Music and the Mind

I need more music in my life. Seriously. I used to listen to music more in my car. I used to have a song in my head. I used to sing more. I have noticed the past year or so that this hasn't been true of me. I often leave the radio off in the car. I have been cleaning in silence (though sometimes listening to a sermon). So, I got to thinking, I need to listen to more music. It helps settle my thoughts. It helps set my mind on things above, like Colossians 3 tells me to do. It makes me more aware of Jesus as I go about my day. And, often, Jesus uses music as a means to speak words of comfort to me.

To help with this, I recently burned three CDs from my iTunes account to listen to while in the car. I have lots of CDs in my car, but none of them have been appealing to me (which is a surprise - I used to be able to always listen to some Third Day). I guess I have just been needed something with deeper lyrics and more complex melodies than what I have had available to me on my drive. So, enter Sojourn and Indelible Grace music. They have been playing in my car for a few weeks now, and it has been good for me. I have also turned on music while I have been cooking or cleaning.

Music not only raises my soul to praise and focus on the One who truly matters (Jesus Christ), it also helps me to obey the command to think about things that are true and lovely and commendable (Philippians 4:8) and helps me to keep a better perspective on the difficult circumstances in my life. Of course, music is not the cure all. It is just a means. Jesus is the cure all. But He does choose to work through things and people to draw us to Himself and to renew our minds.

I was reminded last night about how much my mind needed to be renewed while reading yesterday's devotional from John Piper's Solid Joys app. He talked about the "remarkable" power of the mind to choose what it wants to think about. He says "what you set your mind on determines whether the issue is life or death." He got this from Romans 8:5-6 where the Apostle Paul says that to set the mind on the things of God results in life, but to set the mind on worldly things results in death. So it's really important what we set our minds on, what we think about. Piper talked about the need to be proactive in what we think about and not passive. It's easy to be passive. It's harder to be diligent in our thinking; to not think about the messiness around us and dwell on all the things that are going wrong.

In reading this, I was convicted. No wonder I haven't had a song to sing. No wonder I have been down at times. I am focused too much on what I don't like about this city or my job or my life, rather than all of the good things about living here or working where I do or the blessings that God has lavished upon me. Perspective changes everything. God knows this. This is why He repeatedly commands us to think about things that are above and to entrust Him with our cares and meditate on His promises of future grace and to remember everything that He has done for us. Yes, this life can be ugly. Yes, this world is messed up. But God has a plan and purpose for everything single thing we experience as believers. He is working in and through these things for good, and He promises to make all things new (Isaiah 48:6; Revelation 21:5). Look for evidences of His grace around you. I guarantee you He is at work and you will find His fingerprints in the most unlikely places. And when you do, you may even want to sing about it.

Confessions of an Absent Blogger

Wow. It’s been a long time since I’ve blogged. I used to always have an idea for a post swimming around in my head, which would prompt me to write, but that has not been the case since I have got married over a year ago. I am not sure why. I would say it’s because I share my ideas, struggles, and feelings with my husband instead, but, even though that is true to an extent, it is not as true as it should be. Those who know me well know that I tend to keep things inside and have trouble expressing what I think and feel.

I haven’t been journaling as much either, and it’s not because I don’t have the time. I have more time now than I did before I got married now that I work part-time and don’t have as many extracurricular commitments.

So the lack of journaling and blogging probably has more to say about my spiritual and emotional state than anything. Pittsburgh has been hard for me in many ways. I have struggled to find my place in the city (besides being a wife and keeper of the home). I used to always have a goal I was working toward (school, getting overseas) and my time was filled with various commitments (ministry, church). So, what I have come to learn is that I had misplaced my identity in those things. Instead of taking my cue from Christ, I was finding my purpose and fulfillment in being busy helping, serving, working towards something – in doing – and had lost sight of the fact that God is not pleased with me because of what I do, but because of what Jesus Christ has already done for me through His life, death, and resurrection.

But Jesus has saw fit to sit me on the sidelines, so to speak. I am learning, though not always joyfully and willingly, to be content with where God has me. The city I live in and the job I have are not my preference, but they are God’s will for me – indeed, they are His gift to me. I have been blessed in many ways in this new season of life, yet I often fell to realize and count those blessings. I think God is trying to teach me both contentment and gratitude, and I have been struggling to embrace the lessons. But, as Elisabeth Elliot always says, “in acceptance lieth peace,” and that anything I offer up to God “can and will become my gateway to joy.” These things are true and I want them to be true of me.

After a year, I feel like I am finally beginning to settle into this city – to accept where God has me and even embrace it. I am learning to laugh at the things that drive me crazy about living here and to lean into God and His daily gifts. Obviously, my husband is a major blessing and my primary calling in being here is to support, love, and submit to him. But another major blessing is our church: Renaissance. We have been so blessed by our brothers and sisters that we worship and serve alongside of. And, because I don’t have to work a full-time job, I have been able to spend time getting to know a handful of women in our church. This has been such a joy. I think one way I can serve God and the church is by getting to know and to encourage and to be encouraged by these women.

It’s the season of Thanksgiving in our country, and I need to pay attention and start counting the many gifts God has given me. There may be things I don’t like about where God has me, but there are far more things for which I should be thankful.

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. – 1 Thess. 5:16-18

God’s Best???

"The bud may have a bitter taste, but sweet will be the flower" - William Cowper

Over the summer, Daniel and I read a book on marriage by Timothy Keller called The Meaning of Marriage. We both desire a marriage that reflects the great love Jesus Christ has for His people. One of my biggest takeaways from that book is the fact that Jesus is the example for both the role of the husband and the role of the wife. He demonstrates what servant leadership and loving sacrifice looks like (in relation to us) for the husband. And He shows us what humble and joyful submission looks like (in relation to the Father) for the wife. I absolutely love that, and think it is so empowering and encouraging as a new wife to see that the way Jesus relates to the Father is the pattern for how I am to relate to Daniel.

Anyway, that really doesn’t have anything to do with the subject of this post. That was just a little freebie.

One of the chapters in the book was on singleness. Keller quoted a woman, who was single but desired to be married, who said she learned that singleness was God’s current best for her. If it wasn’t, she’d be married. I agreed with her. That was my thinking while I was single (which was until I was 30 – almost 31): If God promises to withhold no good thing from those who follow Jesus (Psalm 84:11), then He was not withholding marriage from me. Therefore, singleness was God’s best for me until He deemed otherwise and sent me a husband. I still believe that to be true.

But Daniel challenged me on that statement (“This is God’s best for me”) by asking me about a situation we know about where a husband cheated on his wife before they got married and throughout their first year of marriage until he was exposed. They are now separated. So Daniel posed the question, “Is that God’s best for this young woman?” It’s a fair question. God obviously allowed the marriage to take place and knew about the affair the whole time. So was that His best for this woman who is a believer – one of His daughters?

That question haunted me all week. When talking with a friend and my sister who were struggling in different ways, I thought, "Is this God's best?" When reading the book of Judges in the Bible, I read about a man who believed in God but foolishly vowed  to sacrifice whatever first came out of his house if God would give him victory in war (see Judges 11). God gave him the victory and when he returned, his beloved daughter ran out of the house to greet him. The man decided to keep his vow (a sin I believe) by sacrificing his daughter to God (the Bible says God would never require one to sacrifice their children to him – Deut. 18:10 and 2 Kings 17:17 for example). Was this God’s best for her? And what about my dad? A lot of what I believed about what has happened to be the past several years hung on the answer to this question. I didn’t want to live in a lie.

Thankfully, God met me in this question. He helped me to lean into Him instead of letting doubts drive me from Him (like in times past). He brought these truths to my mind from the Bible:

• When Joseph – a man who believed in God and had great character – was sold into slavery by his jealous brothers, and then was lied about and thrown into prison for a crime he didn’t commit, and then forgotten about by someone who promised to get him out of prison (none of these look like God’s best right?), he trusted God. After many years and a turn in events (all brought about by the hands of a sovereign God), he was released from prison and became one of the most powerful men in Egypt. Instead of seeking vengeance on all who had done him wrong, he realized God’s good purposes for him and for the nation of Israel. Joseph said that they all meant it for evil but God meant it for good (Genesis 50:20). God intended all that for good. It was best for Joseph (but not immediately) and for the nation of Israel, His people. And it was all for the glory of God.
• The Apostle Paul tells us that God works all things (including evil and unpleasant circumstances) to fit into a pattern for good for those who love Him and belong to Him (Romans 8:28).
• Psalm 119:68 reminds us that God is good and does good. Sometimes it might not look good to us at first, but He beckons us to trust Him and to remember His great promises (like the one in the previous point).

These are just a few of the verses that God brought to mind. But He also spoke to me from a couple of sermons. One being from John Piper called “This Illness is for the Glory of God.” In it, he describes what love is:

“So what is love? What does it mean to be loved by Jesus? Love means giving us what we need most. And what we need most is not healing, but a full and endless experience of the glory of God. Love means giving us what will bring us the fullest and longest joy. And what is that? What will give you full and eternal joy? The answer of this text is clear: a revelation to your soul of the glory of God—seeing and admiring and marveling at and savoring the glory God in Jesus Christ. When someone is willing to die—or let your brother die—to give you (and your brother) that, he loves you.
Love is doing whatever you have to do to help people see and treasure the glory of God as their supreme joy—to help people see and be satisfied with the glory of God…
These are the two great purposes of all things: God’s demonstration of his glory in Christ, and human beings treasuring that glory above all things…God is doing more than you know.

So what is God’s best? The problem with that question is that it’s not the right question. God’s best is found in Revelation 21-22 when Jesus comes back to judge the earth, to rid it of evil, and to completely renew the earth and His people. There will be no more tears or pain or suffering or death. We will have perfect fellowship with Him forever. That is God’s best. In the meantime, we see glimpses of God’s renewal but we also live in a world full of suffering and pain and death. The circumstances we are in themselves may not be God’s best. But God is still working for the good of His people and the fame of His name. He has good purposes in the horrible things we experience and suffer, and He allows them for a reason. The goal of these things is God’s best. And God’s best for us is Himself, and He will do and allow whatever means necessary – no matter how horrific or painful – to draw us to Him and make us more like Jesus Christ. That is what true love does: it does whatever is necessary to magnify Christ. And it does whatever will be ultimately best for the beloved. Like Piper said, “God is doing more than you know.”Let's lean into that and remind each other of that continually.

Surrender

“God always gives his best to those who leave the choice with Him.”
― Jim Elliot

Back in February, the Lord began dealing with me on the topic of surrender. He brought to my attention several areas of my life that I was trying to control or wanting to control instead of entrusting them to Him. These areas were causing me much anxiety. I was worried about my mom and my sister and that my future wouldn’t turn out the way that I wanted. So the Lord began bringing this lack of trust, these anxious thoughts, and the things I needed to surrender to my attention. And I didn’t like it. Surrendering is not easy. It does not come naturally. And it took months of reading the Bible and listening to messages and reading other Christian books and talking to other believers to move my stubborn heart in the direction of even wanting to release my cares and dreams to God.

I began reading a trilogy by Nancy Leigh DeMoss that covered three topics: brokenness, surrender, and holiness. I resonated with the first part (Brokenness) as I could see the work of the Lord over the past several years to break me of my self-sufficient and prideful spirit. Yes, I could relate to what DeMoss was saying, the stories she recounted, and the Scripture promises she wove throughout that section. In fact, it was really encouraging to think about all the good purposes God had in mind in the pruning work He had been doing.

But then the next section came: Surrender. Suddenly, I wasn’t so encouraged; I was challenged. Surrender follows brokenness. God was indeed chipping away the areas of my life that were not pleasing to Him, like the grand Master Sculptor and Architect He is, but I had a part to play as well. There were some things I needed to let go of and entrust to His sovereign care and plan. I needed to surrender my will regarding the location and type of my/our future ministry. I needed to surrender how I wanted to be used by God. I needed to surrender to God’s will for our future family (i.e. what it will look like, motherhood, etc.). The brokenness God had been doing in my life was bringing me to a place of total surrender to God’s will – no matter what that might mean.

And it was hard. Hard to let go of my dreams. Hard to let go of my ambition. How to let go to my self-determination. Hard to let go of my fears. Hard to let go of what I wanted out of life. I desire so much for my life to count for Christ and His Kingdom, but I wanted it to count in the manner I wanted it to. And that was the problem. That was what I needed to surrender. And Jesus, who was completely surrendered to do God’s will, is my example:

And going a little farther, [Jesus] fell on the ground and prayed that, if it were possible, the hour might pass from him. And he said, “Abba, Father, all things are possible for you. Remove this cup [of God’s wrath for the sins of the world] from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will.” Mark 14:35-36

That is the heart of surrender: a heart that is completely and utterly yielded to God and His will. I have been asking God to cultivate in me such a heart. And, slowly (and very imperfectly), I have been relinquishing these things, entrusting them to my Perfect and Good Heavenly Father.

And what I’m learning, together with the last post, is that surrender and sacrifice go together. These are the questions I face in the prospect of surrendering my will and my plans…in surrendering my very self. Will I sacrifice my body, my time, my dreams, my expectations, etc. to what God has in store for me? Will I allow Him to have His way with me? Isn’t that the calling of marriage and motherhood and the totality of the Christian life – laying myself down for the sake of God and others? Even if that means staying in the States (!), even if that means my ministry will look different than I envisioned, even if that means serving God in a more well-developed, Western nation, even if that means laying down ministry ambitions for the more quieter ministry of motherhood (and I’m not pregnant, so stand down :). Yes; even if it means all of these things. God knows what is best. He created me and He knows what my life is for and how to use it to maximize His glory and my joy. So, with His help, I am choosing to bow to His will – whatever that may be and whatever it may entail. That is what Jesus did. He joyfully sacrificed His life and joyfully submitted to the will of the Father to the point of death, even death on a cross (Philippians 2:5-11). He did this for the good of the world (John 3:16) and the joy of His people and for His own eternal joy (Hebrews 12:1-3).

Lord, have Your way with me.

 

Sacrifice

“We are the sheep of His pasture. ‘Enter into His gates with thanksgiving, and into His courts with praise’ [Psalm 100:4]. And what is their purpose inside those courts? To bleat melodies and enjoy the company of the flock? No. Those sheep were destined for the altar. Their pasture feeding had been for one purpose, to test them and fatten them for bloody sacrifice. Give Him thanks then, that you have been counted worthy of His altars. Enter into the work with praise.” – Jim Elliot quoted in Shadow of the Almighty

Back in the month of May [Yes; it has taken me this long to get around to writing this], while reading through my Bible reading plan and while traveling to Missouri for Mother’s Day, God continually brought one word to my attention: sacrifice.

Over the course of May 6th through 8th, I read the following verses:

• Offer to God a sacrifice of thanksgiving, and perform your vows to the Most High…The one who offers thanksgiving as his sacrifice glorifies me; to one who orders his way rightly I will show the salvation of God! Psalm 50:14, 23
• The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise…then will you delight in right sacrifices,in burnt offerings and whole burnt offerings; then bulls will be offered on your altar. Psalm 51:17, 19
• I appeal to you therefore, brothers,by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Romans 12:1
• Do not neglect to do good and to share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God…Now may the God of peace who brought again from the dead our Lord Jesus, the great shepherd of the sheep, by the blood of the eternal covenant, equip you with everything good that you may do his will, working in us that which is pleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory forever and ever. Amen. Hebrews 13:16, 20-21

And also the next week on May 14th, I read:

• As you come to him, a living stone rejected by men but in the sight of God chosen and precious, you yourselves like living stones are being built up as a spiritual house, to be a holy priesthood, to offer spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ. 1 Peter 2:4-5

When I see a common theme or word repeatedly in a short amount of time, I think it’s important to lean in and listen to what God is trying to say. He’s obviously trying to get my attention.  He is the most diligent and purposeful Teacher.

I read these verses during a time when I was discouraged and downcast. Life at the time seemed hard. I was not content. I complained inwardly about my job (was I doing any good there?) and about Pittsburgh (all the reasons why I don’t like it) and about Daniel being gone and barely getting to communicate with him. I was still going to church and small group and reading my Bible and praying and even serving in ministry, but my heart was a wreck.

So what was God saying to me? I think it was: “I delight in inward sacrifice. These are the sacrifices that please Me.” I was sacrificing my time and energy for these spiritual disciplines (which we should do!) without checking my heart in the process. God says to King Saul when he disobeyed him:

“Has the Lord as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices, as in obeying the voice of the Lord? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice,and to listen than the fat of rams.” 1 Samuel 15:22

Don’t get me wrong, we should sacrifice time and energy (and probably more than we normally do) in reading our Bibles and praying and serving and fellowshipping with other believers, but God sees behind our actions and cares more about our hearts. More than any external sacrifices we can make, God says these are the sacrifices that please Him: the sacrifice of thanksgiving, the sacrifice of a broken heart and contrite (repentant) spirit, the sacrifice of every ounce of our lives (living sacrifice), which includes our relationships and plans and jobs and finances and hobbies and every single aspect of who we are. Doing good and sharing what we have with others are also sacrifices that bring delight to God. These are spiritual sacrifices that are acceptable in God’s sight. They please Him. Imagine! We can bring delight to the most Powerful and Beautiful and Holy Being in the universe by being thankful and humbling ourselves before Him!

God is good to us. We have no reason to grumble and complain. We have no reason ultimately to despair. When we do, we dishonor Him. But when we look past our circumstances and feelings, we see that this life is only “light” and “momentary” (2 Corinthians 4:16-18). God has given us every spiritual blessing in Jesus Christ (Ephesians 1:3). He saved us from darkness and death and eternal separation from Him. He displayed His great love for us by going to great and costly lengths to restore us to Himself. When we have Jesus Christ, we have everything. Therefore, there is no reason to complain. There is no reason to not be content. By God’s grace and power, we can learn to be thankful (James 1:3) and learn to be content (Philippians 4:13) no matter what.

And because Jesus greatly sacrificed Himself for us, holding nothing back, we can sacrifice ourselves completely – inwardly and outwardly; mind, body, and soul; thoughts, attitudes, emotions, and actions – for Him. Why wouldn’t we want to? For the love of Christ transforms and compels us to live for God and others just the way He did. In sacrificing what we think we deserve or our preoccupation with our circumstances, we aren’t actually sacrificing anything at all. It is in giving up all the things that we tend to cling to that we will gain more than we could ever imagine. Our Savior gave up everything for us. He expects no less in return. "Give Him thanks then, that you have been counted worthy of His altars. Enter into the work with praise."

Letting Go and Leaning In

I’m continuing to learn to relinquish my plans and dreams of the future to the Lord. It’s not that they are bad or wrong in and of themselves, because they’re not, but I’ve been more sold out to them than I have been to doing the Father’s will. It’s good and right to have plans and dreams for the future, but they must be held loosely in one’s hands, ready to be forsaken if not in tune with God’s ever-wise and all-good plans. This relinquishing may be short-lived and God may eventually fulfill your plans and desires as He sees fit; or it may be long-term, and He may in fact teach your heart to adopt His plans and teach you to set your hope on more eternal things. He alone knows what is best for us. He alone knows what it takes to make each of us more like Christ. For, according to the King David, every day of ours was written before there was yet one of them (Psalm 139:16). He will fulfill His purposes for us (Psalm 57:2) and He will work in our lives and hearts in such a way so that we will desire to fulfill those purposes as well (Philippians 2:13).

I think I am growing in this area, but there is much more to learn. This past week, I was listening to a John Piper sermon called “The Hope of Exiles on the Earth,” from Hebrews 11:13-22. In it, Piper was talking about how our forefathers, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, did not receive the inheritance they were promised. Instead, they sought and desired an inheritance that was not of this world and so lived as strangers and exiles while they were here on earth. We Christians find ourselves in the same situation. Our citizenship is in heaven and from it we await a Savior, Christ Jesus our Lord (Philippians 3:20). Our treasure is not here. We may have houses and cars and material things and family and friends and food (and we enjoy them), but our treasure is Christ and all the riches we have in Him (forgiveness, freedom, adoption into God’s family, peace, eternal life, etc.). Things that robbers and moths and rust and failing economies cannot threaten or destroy (Matthew 6:19-20).

As Piper continued on in the passage, he talked about how Abraham had received the son God promised him (Isaac), through whom God would make him a mighty nation and through whom Abraham’s descendants would bless the whole world (Genesis 12:1-3). This is the child his wife Sarah, herself 90, bore to Abraham when he was 100 years old. This was the child that Abraham’s hopes and dreams were wrapped up in. And this is the child that God asked Abraham to sacrifice (!). As Piper pointed out, this to Abraham must have felt like the death of a dream. Not matter how he looked at this command from earthly eyes, this did not seem like it could end well. But, in faith, Abraham obeyed God’s command. He trusted that God would somehow work it out. He trusted that God would keep His promises, for He had proven Himself faithful thus far. And, as the account in Genesis unfolds, God intervenes and does not allow Abraham to slay his son. It was a test and Abraham proved his faith. He believed that God could even raise the dead (Hebrews 11:19). And God provided a ram to sacrifice in place of Isaac (Genesis 22:13). Abraham’s obedience was the pathway to joy…and to a much stronger faith.

It was this point in the sermon, at the very end, that the Holy Spirit convicted my heart. In letting go of my preconceived notions of the future, of my idea of what my future ministry and life should look like, I am facing a dying dream. But I am not trusting that God’s plans are greater; that He could either resurrect that dream or replace it with a better one. I'm not believing that obedience is the pathway to joy. Piper ended with this resounding question:

Do you desire God and His way and His promises more than anything, and do you believe that He can and will honor your faith and obedience by being unashamed to call Himself your God, and to use all His wisdom and power and love to turn the path of obedience into the path of life and joy?

Yes! I desire this! I want this! Lord, make me this way.

Slowly, ever so slowly, I am learning what it means to surrender and to lean on God’s everlasting arms (Deuteronomy 33:27). He will sustain me. He will guide me. And He will fulfill His good and perfect plans for me. All I need to do is trust Him and obey.

This God—his way is perfect;
the word of the Lord proves true;
he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him. Psalm 18:30

A Season of Thanksgiving

Monroeville Community Park, Pittsburgh, PA

I can't believe it's already late into November. It seemed like the leaves were brilliant with color on the trees one day and then all dried up on the ground the next. Now winter is intruding into autumn as flurries fill the frigid air.

Still, I think November is a great month for many reasons. First of all, it contains my favorite holiday: Thanksgiving. It is also the month I met my husband (24th). Finally, both mine (22nd) and Daniel's birthdays (13th) are this month. We have much to celebrate and much to be thankful for.

In this country, November also marks the "season of thanksgiving." And, as Jesus would have it, this has been a season in my own life of learning what it means to be thankful. Indeed, the Bible is explicit that God's people should be a thankful people (i.e. Ephesians 5:20). It is an expectation and command. And what other response should overflow from a people chosen by God, saved by His grace, and given every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places (Romans 8:28-30; Ephesians 1:3). Thanksgiving should be our natural, spontaneous response to the lavish love and grace of God displayed to us through Jesus Christ.

But like I said, I am learning this right now, which means I have not been overflowing with thankfulness. In fact, I have been doing quite the opposite: grumbling about my circumstances and allowing roots of bitterness to spring forth. I have been focusing on the negative circumstances in my life and blind to the many gifts God gives me each day. The busyness of the many changes in my life, the continuing grief, spiritual warfare, and unanswered prayers have seemed to sideline me, to knock me off track. I just finished a book called One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp, which God used to awaken me to the clench-fist grip I have on my life and to the many ways He specifically and carefully and masterfully shows His continual love and care for me each day. Since reading that book, I have starting counting some of the sweet gifts that God gives me each day and taking the time to thank Him for them, instead of just barely giving them a nod and moving on.

But the root of this is much deeper than a failure to acknowledge God’s goodness and provision. It stems from a lack of trust in God Himself. God has been beckoning me to notice the good things He showers me with each day to be sure, but, more than that, He is calling me to trust Him with abandon. This I have not been doing. Despite the many ways He has provided and cared and blessed me, I have been short-sighted and forgetful. I have doubted His intentions and heart toward me. This is sin. I have been sinfully blind to all that God is for me and has done for me in Jesus Christ, and have been resistant to entrust my family and future plans into His sovereign, good, and all-wise care (as if I could do a better job than Him). I have been struggling in my faith and I am unsure how to get back to where I once was. But this I know and believe: God always completes what He starts (Philippians 1:6) and feeling like I am at the end of myself is always a good place to be (2 Corinthians 1:8-10). Because when I am weak, He is very, very strong (2 Corinthians 12:8-10).

But I will sing of Your strength;
I will sing aloud of Your steadfast love in the morning.
For You have been to me a fortress
and a refuge in the day of my distress.
O my Strength, I will sing praises to You,
for You, O God, are my fortress,
the God who shows me steadfast love. Psalm 59:16-17

The Performer

The Lord has been slowly exposing some deep-rooted sins over the past few months. Trials seem to bring those kinds of things to the surface.

The Father first starting bringing this particular sin to light in late August as I was listening to a Meadow Heights sermon about emotional baggage. The sermon focused on three types of people: The Poser, The Performer, and The Clinger. Each type believed specific lies that fueled them to basically act how their titles described.

I immediately knew which one I was: The Performer. I resonate with the feeling that I am not good enough. Almost every day I feel that I don’t measure up, that I constantly fall short. And, in truth, we all fall short. The Bible is clear that every single person does not and cannot measure up to God’s perfect standard. We repeatedly fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). But if you don’t look to the gospel when you realize/notice/feel like you’ve fallen short, you have no hope and you, therefore, begin placing hope in other things and/or people. And hope that is built on anything other than Christ will always disappoint, will always fail.

In saying I am a performer, I do not mean that I am not genuine or that I’m not the same person at church as I am at home or work or elsewhere. I think, or at least hope, that I am. But it is to say that I sometimes hide my feelings and pretend I have it all together. You may never know that I feel that I don't measure up, but I do. I feel this incredible pressure to be the perfect wife (a pressure that I put on myself and that has by no means been projected onto me by my husband in any way), even though I know there is no such thing. I feel pressure to know the answers to whatever questions may be asked of me. I feel pressure to hold it together; to be strong; to save face – which means that I mask my pain and sorrow and grief and put on a smile and pretend everything is okay. Where this pressure, these lies, come from, I am not completely sure, but they are probably some mix of lies from the past, lies from the enemy, and my own prideful standards. But the source(s) really don't matter as much as the Remedy that eradicates them.

Historic Old Stone Church, Pittsburgh, PA

So all of this has been slowly coming to a head, and it did just that the Sunday before last. We are going through the book of Philippians at Renaissance Church, and that Sunday, the sermon was on 3:1-11. In it, Pastor Rob talked about how Jesus saves us from both our bad works and our good works. The former is what we think about – all the bad things we do, say, and think that cause us to fall short of God’s standard for us. The latter things, the good things, are what we generally rely on to assert our goodness, as if to give us some kind of bargaining chip with God, treating Him like He’s this Great Cosmic Santa who is making His list and checking it twice. But the truth is that the Bible says that our good works, our very best deeds, are filthy, disgusting, soiled rags in the presence of an all-wise, all-good, completely holy and sovereign God (Isaiah 64:6). None of it matters - the good, the bad - only knowing Jesus matters. And even though I know all this, I needed to be reminded of it, which God knew. Pastor Rob reminded us that in Christ we do measure up. In Christ, I measure up. God is not disappointed with me. He is not calculating the minutes I spend in prayer and Bible reading. He doesn’t have a balance in which He keeps my worldly thoughts/actions on one side and more Christ-centered thoughts/actions on the other. He wants me to become more like Christ, yes, but He knows me better than I know myself and He knows that He must help me grow to become like Christ. He is pleased with me because I am in Christ and He is pleased with Christ. He’s not concerned with outward actions mainly, but inward dispositions. He wants me to know Him. I want that too. I need that. Desperately.

So as I was listening to the sermon, God reminded me of Romans 8:1:

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

And that’s when I realized – for weeks I have been believing accusations from the enemy. He has been condemning me every day and I hardly realized it. I just accepted the accusations as truth. I have been believing his lies instead of dwelling on God’s promises. Like the promise of Romans 8:1. But it gets better. Romans 8 goes on to say that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared to the glory that awaits us (v. 18). A verse that I have often quoted to others, but not to myself. But it gets even better still. Who can separate us from this love of Christ? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Not illness or persecution or trials or spiritual forces or death or even my own made-up standards. Nothing in all creation can separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord (v. 31-39).

There is freedom and healing in these truths. I do not have it all together. I need Christ and I need His Church. Christ is everything I need to be.  I measure up because of Christ. He fills in all the areas I fall short. I am not condemned because of Christ. Better things await me because of Christ. God loves me with an unending, never-changing, better-than-I-can-imagine kind of love because of Christ. And these are truths that I need to be reminded of constantly because I seem to forget them constantly. Thank God for His reminders and for His people that help me remember.

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness;
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly lean on Jesus’ name.
Refrain:
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand,
All other ground is sinking sand. The Solid Rock, Edward Mote

His Eye is on the Sparrow

As for me, I am poor and needy,
but the Lord takes thought for me. Psalm 40:17

What is man that you are mindful of him,
and the son of man that you care for him? Psalm 8:4

Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows. Luke 12:6-7

These verses came to my mind one evening while I was on a walk. It is when I do some of my best thinking, and the Lord is so kind to give me those times. There are no distractions (besides those of my own mind), and I am in the midst of God’s beautiful creation. I mean, who wouldn’t want to go on a walk with this as a backdrop?!

These days people, out of concern, often ask me, “How are you doing?” And I honestly don’t know how to answer them. None of the usual replies seem sufficient. For the most part I am doing okay (which is how I wind up responding). The Lord has been gracious to give me the strength needed for each day and has given me His indescribable peace. He is very kind to give me the morning time to spend with Him to prepare for the day ahead. And, let me tell you, I need this time alone with Him. Spending time with Jesus is the only reason why I am doing as well as I am in the middle of all of this horror. But it’s not like I don’t have my days (like yesterday) where I am tired and weary and hurting and overwhelmed and, well, just plain broken.

I have a lot on my shoulders and, most of the time, I don’t feel the weight of it all, which I guess is another one of God’s many graces. Every day presents a new challenge and trial, and I wear many hats to do the things that need to get done. Usually the response of others to what I am going through helps me see a glimpse of the magnitude, but I suppose I won’t really realize the full weight until after it’s lifted. At least that is how it was in South Asia. The burden of living in a different culture, learning a new language, and being surrounded by spiritual darkness weighed heavily on my shoulders, but I didn’t realize it while I was living in the midst of it. It wasn’t until after I returned to the States that I sensed that a burden had lifted, and I felt “lighter.”

A lot has happened these past few years, especially this year – much of it unpleasant – that the Lord has used to grow and change me. I am not the same as I used to be even back when I graduated from seminary in 2010. The bitter circumstances have left their wounds, but, most significantly, the Lord has used them to strengthen my faith, clarify my priorities, deepen my trust in Jesus, grow me in the knowledge of God’s Word, and refine me. And He did this all through brokenness. I am learning that that is His master tool. Only when we are broken and humble before Him can His glory and greatness shine through. Brokenness is where He does some of His greatest work. And, trust me, my independent-self needed some breaking and refining. I used to consider myself a pretty compassionate person, but the Lord has worked some tenderness into my heart through all this that wasn’t there before. It doesn’t take much to make my eyes well up with tears anymore. Seeing anyone who is in some kind of emotional pain or who is grieving sends a piercing pain through my heart. I mean, I can barely watch anything even remotely sad on TV now without tearing up. MASH, The Waltons, Up (yep, even a cartoon), and The Lord of the Rings, have all done their part in making the tears fall. This is not like me, at least the old me, but I guess it is now. The Lord tells us to be tenderhearted (Ephesians 4:32; 1 Peter 3:8; cf. Colossians 12:3), which doesn’t come naturally so the Spirit works it into our hearts through the circumstances God brings to help us obey this command.

As usual, the Lord meets me where I am. He wounds, but He also heals (Hosea 6:1). He has brought a few songs into my life this week to remind me that nothing is wasted. Every ounce of everything He has allowed into my life is preparing for me a glory I cannot even conceive of with my mind (1 Corinthians 2:9). It will be better than I can imagine (Ephesians 3:20). The weight that I referred to, both the big and small, is doing something unseen and majestic. It is preparing for me a particular weight of glory beyond all comparison that will make all of these trials, all of this suffering, “light and momentary” (2 Corinthians 2:16-18; cf. John Piper’s sermon on this text). Indeed, I am poor and needy, but my Lord takes thought for me and His thought is to do me good both now and forever.

What no eye has seen, nor ear heard,
nor the heart of man imagined,
what God has prepared for those who love him. 1 Corinthians 2:9

Unselfish Disclosure

The Lord has done a lot in these past few years to grow me and stretch me and refine me. One of the areas in which He has stretched me a lot is helping me be more open and vulnerable with others. He has used the many hard things He has allowed into my life to force me to rely on others and, even though it has been hard, it’s been a beautiful thing as He has allowed me to cultivate deep and authentic relationships with the people He has placed in my life.

Lately, though, I have been tempted to regress. I have wanted to push people away and keep my thoughts and struggles to myself. I am very much aware of this temptation, but I haven’t been fighting it as fiercely as I should be. My personal preference and natural bent is to be more reserved because it’s safe and comfortable and easy, and sometimes I just don’t feel like fighting that temptation. The Lord, however, is relentless in His pursuit of my sanctification. Through His Holy Spirit, He has been alerting me to my desire to withdraw and Has been sending His Word my way.

At Rolling Fields, Pastor Andy has been preaching through the Ten Commandments (which has been so good, by the way!). While I was thinking about the above, the Lord used the sermon on the 9th commandment (you shall not bear false witness/lie) to pierce my heart. When someone asks me (genuinely asks me) how I’m doing and I answer, “Fine,” or, “Good,” when I am not fine or good, then I am breaking this commandment and committing sin. Sigh. God would have him preach that message and give that example when I am struggling with this temptation. Now it may seem silly, but when my pastor gave that example, it was like an arrow pierced my heart. I was guilty. But the grace of Christ is bigger than my guilt and sin, and He is always more than ready to forgive me when I repent and turn to Him. In fact, He gives me the strength and resources to do so and to follow His commands and ways.

Another reason I think I have been tempted to wall-up is because several relationships in my life seem to be in transition. Several close friends have moved away or are about to do so, and a few other friendships are changing because of life circumstances. I suppose relationships are always changing some since they are dynamic, but it’s a lot more noticeable when several seem to do so all at one time. And for someone like me who finds it hard to open up to others, it can be somewhat painful and challenging. The enemy, who knows my weaknesses and likes to capitalize on them, has been tempting me to withdraw, whispering that deep relationships aren't worth it and that I don’t belong. The latter is a tempting lie to believe, but it simply isn’t true because I do have a sister and a church family and other great friends, and, most importantly, I belong to Christ. All of this is a good reminder that my identity is not in my relationships (or anything else for that matter), but in Christ and in Him alone.

The Lord is very kind in the way He always meets us in our struggles and strengthens us against temptations. As I have struggled with the feeling of not belonging and the temptation to pull inward, He has not left me to myself. He has reminded me of His perfect awareness and acceptance of me (Psalm 139) and His unfathomable love and grace (Zephaniah 2:17; Ephesians 1:3-14, 2:4). Plus, He is giving me new friendships to develop and older ones with which to re-connect. In just these past few days, two people I haven’t seen in awhile visited the office where I work and told me they wanted to get together and catch up, and another friend from church (whom I don’t know very well) told me she wants to hang out as well. God is very kind and reminded me through these interactions that He sees my heart struggles and hears my prayers, and He is constantly working in them for my good and His glory.

Plus, God isn’t calling me to do anything that He hasn’t already done. He knows more than I will ever know or will ever grasp what it means to make oneself vulnerable (in a sense) to others. And we should be very thankful that He does so because if He didn’t, we would have no hope, no salvation, and no way of knowing Him. I love this quote from Carl F.H. Henry quoted by Dr. Mohler:

My mentor in so many ways Carl Henry described revelation—he was not a very poetic man, but he was capable of rare instances of poetry and generally when he did not mean to be poetic. And he defined God’s revelation as God’s unselfish disclosure and gracious forfeiture of His own personal privacy so that His sinful creatures might know Him.

This is a pretty awesome truth. The God of the universe chooses to make Himself vulnerable so that we, His creatures, might know Him. He didn’t have to do this, but He chose to. We would have no way of knowing who God is or what He has done or how to serve Him if He had not chosen to reveal Himself through His Word, throughout history, and through His Son, Jesus Christ (Hebrews 1:1-3). That’s grace. There is no other God like Him. And He calls us to do the same in the relationships He has given us. Doing so is the only way to truly love our neighbor, to be effective in ministry, to testify to God’s gracious dealings in our lives, and to illustrate the life-transforming power of the gospel. People cannot see how we trust God in the good times and bad if we do not let them in, if we do not graciously and unselfishly disclose ourselves, if we do not give up our personal privacy. This is a challenging call, especially for an introvert, but God’s grace is sufficient for these things. For His power is put on display through our weaknesses.

The S Word

The Lord has taught me a lot of lessons lately that have been hard and, um, well, unpleasant.

Patience, perseverance, suffering, silence, trust, my sinfulness, being vulnerable with others, waiting…

Add another one to that list: submission. Yes, I said it. It is a word that strikes fear into the hearts of most women – especially liberal women. Now I don’t consider myself liberal by any means and I didn’t think I had a problem with submission - that is, until Jesus showed me I did. He has used my job, my family and, most recently, the organization I am applying to work overseas with to reveal the rebellion in my heart. Yeah, I don’t have a problem with submission when it comes to people who I’m on the same page with (professors, pastors/elders and most people in authority over me) or when we disagree but it doesn't affect me directly. I submit to their authority with joy. But the Lord has placed some people in my life that I struggle submitting to joyfully. It’s a painful reality. And what’s worse is that I am ultimately balking against the authority of God because He, in His wisdom and grace, places people in authority over me (Romans 13:1). Sigh. I've been doing a lot of repenting lately.

So even though I may not agree with the methods or logic of some of the God-given authorities in my life, I am to submit to them. That is the example you see in Scripture and it is commanded in Scripture (Titus 3:1; 1 Peter 2:13). Now this isn’t to say you submit even when the person in charge tells you to do something that defies God’s Word – the Scripture is clear that we always obey God rather than man (Acts 5:29) – but it is to say that when it is not an issue of denying Christ or His Word, but rather a matter of preference or personality, then submission is the command from the Lord…even when the authority is wrong or mistreats you (1 Peter 2:18-25). Check out this example from Genesis 16. Sarai did not have children, even though God had promised her and her husband Abram that He would give them children. She waited and she waited, but still no children. So she took matters into her own hands. She had her servant girl, Hagar, sleep with Abram in order to have children by her. But when Hagar became pregnant, the two women despised each other, and Sarah began mistreating her. Eventually Hagar ran away. She could run from Sarai, but not from God.

The angel of the LORD found [Hagar] by a spring of water in the wilderness, the spring on the way to Shur. And he said, “Hagar, servant of Sarai, where have you come from and where are you going?” She said, “I am fleeing from my mistress Sarai.” The angel of the LORD said to her, “Return to your mistress and submit to her.” Genesis 16:7-9

This doesn’t mean that Sarai was justified in her actions, but it does mean that we are supposed to submit even when those over us misunderstand us or treat us harshly. Because God is sovereign, He can work through even the harshest authority. God promised to make Hagar’s son into a great nation and part of that plan included her living with Sarai and Abram for a time. The Lord is very purposeful in arranging every detail of our lives. Who can tell what plans the Lord might have for us and the authorities He has over us?

Now submission is a hard thing for us (and it’s not just women – submission is hard for all people). We like to be in control. We like to call the shots. And basically it comes down to the fact that we are – here are two more S-words – selfish sinners. We believe we have to right to be understood. We believe we have to right to be treated fairly. We believe we have the right to peace and happiness. We believe we have the right to do what we think is right. So anyone that infringes on that right is wrong and our natural response is to rebel (and this can be in actions, words, attitude and/or thoughts). We live in a culture that demands rights: abortion rights, women’s rights, gay-marriage rights, education rights, etc. That’s why these are such hot issues because when the government or an organization or a religious body tries to place parameters on these so-called rights, they are seen as imposing on peoples’ inherent “rights.”

What the Lord is showing me is that I have no rights. The only "right" I have, the only thing I deserve is to be separated from God and eternally punished, which is what we all deserve (Romans 3:23). When you look at it that way, we are all actually doing far better than we deserve. But God is a gracious and just and merciful God and instead of giving us what we deserve, He sent His perfect Son, Jesus Christ, to take our punishment and restore us to Him, so that those who believe in Jesus might be saved (Romans 5:8; Acts 16:31). In that great exchange, we believers still don't have any rights in the way we think of rights as Americans. We have been bought with the precious and priceless blood of Christ and we are His (1 Corinthians 6:20, 7:23; 1 Peter 1:18-21). We give up all our perceived "rights" when we come to Him. Our will is to do His. Plus, He rewards us with a set of different "rights" that are far better than we could have imagined (Rev. 22:14).

Another truth is that there is freedom in submission. When we honor the authorities God has placed over us (whether that be in government or in the work place or at church or in a family), there is actually peace and joy and stability. We, as people, are sheep that need guidance in every area of our lives. Jesus is our ultimate Shepherd, but He has placed people under Him to shepherd His people. This is because we are, in all reality, helpless and pitiful and are incapable of calling the shots for very long in our own lives. So, yeah, those over us may not be perfect, but neither are we. There may be some that may be hard to submit to, but we sometimes aren’t that easy to lead. The difficulties we face in submission are another reminder that we’re not Home yet. We’re still awaiting the perfect King, the perfect Husband, the perfect Teacher, the perfect Leader, Jesus Christ, who will lead us into everlasting peace and righteousness (Philippians 3:20; Revelation 7:17).

Deeper Understanding

I am currently in Southern Missouri soaking up the countryside and taking a much needed breather from the daily demands and responsibilities of life. The Lord has been ever so gracious to answer mine and Kristi's prayers for a restful and relaxing weekend with beautiful weather.

The Lord has recently revealed to me something that I have allowed to become an idol in my life, namely, the understanding of what He has been doing. One of the verses the Lord continues to use in my life is Proverbs 3:5-6:

    Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
        and do not lean on your own understanding.
    In all your ways acknowledge him,
        and he will make straight your paths.

These are words I strive to live by. I do not want to make decisions in my own strength, but in His strength. I do not want to rely on my own limited wisdom, but on the infinite wisdom of my sovereign God. But what the Lord has shown me is that instead of fully trusting Him, I have been relying on my understanding of what I think He is doing. I have been tying to connect the dots of how He is working and figure out what He is doing, and when I connect a few dots, I run with it. But the Lord doesn't want me to trust in how I perceive Him to be working; He wants me to trust HIM. This is hard. I like answers and desperately want them, so much so that my focus has shifted from Christ to trying to figure out what He's doing. As messed up as this sounds (and sin is messed up!), I have made trying to understand what God is doing (which is in itself a good thing) into an idol (which is sin). The Lord has been very kindly and gently showing me this over the past few weeks, but He hit me with it full-force this morning at Meadow Heights. Pastor Bryan was giving an update on the fire that occurred at the AV campus and in so doing was testifying to the sovereignty of God over the fire and the delay that will now occur with future expansion plans. He shared this verse, which the Lord led him to in his personal study:

The Lord directs our steps,
so why try to understand everything along the way? Proverbs 20:24 NLT

Guilty, guilty, guilty. I am really struggling with this, and it's frustrating. Why can't I just rest in the Lord? He knows what He's doing and He doesn't need my help and He doesn't need my understanding of what He's doing. In my pride, I have been occupying myself with things to great and too wonderful for me (Job 42:3; Psalm 131:1). Verse seven of Proverbs three continues with this warning: "Be not wise in your own eyes." Which is what I have been doing. The truth is that the secret things belong to the Lord and only what He chooses to reveal is what is mine (Deuteronomy 29:29). He has given me everything I need to walk in faithfulness to Him (2 Peter 1:3). I need nothing else and any understanding He chooses to give me is a gift from Him.

One connection He has allowed me to make was when I was recently reading through my past journal entries of the last couple of years. As I was reading, I realized that the trials and lessons and struggles that I have faced these past 18 months or so have been a direct result of things for which I have been praying. Although, admittedly, they were not the answers I envisioned, the Lord has been graciously answering the cries of my heart for more of Him and less of me (John 3:30). It is a testament to the fact that we don't always fully understand what we're praying for (John 10:38). Here is a sampling of the requests that the Lord has been pleased to answer:

“make me like Christ in every way”
“give me patience”
“teach me how to wait” (For real, who prays for that???)
“kill my pride”
“make me more humble”
“break me”
“be my only satisfaction”
"help me to be more vulnerable with others"
“remove all the dross from my life”
"remove all the idols of my life”

Etc, etc. The Lord is obviously pleased with these kinds of prayers because He has been answering all of them at one time. I look at these and I’m like, “Rachel, these are good things to pray, but did you have to ask for them all at once?” :) But, obviously, it was the Lord’s will for me to do so. It is the will of the Father to make each of His children more like Christ (1 Thessalonians 4:3). His Holy Spirit gave me these desires and led me to pray what I did. And I would pray them all over again and I will continue to pray them because, even though they bring the refining and disciplining hand of the Lord, I know that the end result (more of Christ) is worth it. Even in the midst of the pain that these answered prayers have caused there is great joy because I know that the Lord is fulfilling His purposes in and through me (Psalm 138:8). In John 16:24, Jesus tells us to ask so that we will receive so that our joy may be full. The ESV footnote to this verse says:

Ask, and you will receive reminds believers that frequent answers to prayer will give Jesus' followers great joy as they see God actively at work in the world in answer to their prayers.

And it's true. It is encouraging to see that the Lord is answering my prayers for more of Christ. Everything He allows in my life is for that purpose. He works all things for good (Romans 8:28). Nothing comes into my life that does not first pass through His sovereign hand. In this there is hope and joy and freedom and, although I cannot say I am thankful for the pain or the circumstances themselves, I am thankful for the what Jesus is doing in me and for what He is teaching me. Pray that I will fully embrace all that He is doing and trust Him more fully.

There are many more lessons that I have learned in the darkness of these past 18 months, but the ones in this blog series have been the dominant ones and I pray that the Lord will continue to work these lessons deep within me and use them to further His kingdom purposes in making much of Christ.

What I tell you in the dark, say in the light, and what you hear whispered, proclaim on the housetops. Matthew 10:27

Lessons Learned in the Dark :: Brokenness

The Lord continues to reveal the many lessons from the events and difficulties of last year. The lessons are numerous (waiting, singleness, vulnerability, more waiting), but I think this one kind of undergirds all the others: Brokenness.

A few years ago while I was sitting in a seminary class, one of my professors was giving his testimony of how the Lord revealed to him that he was too strong for God to use in ministry because other people would be able to look at my professor’s life and deeds and think he did it on his own. The Lord then took my professor through a very difficult time and completely broke him so that it was the strength of the Lord that shone through and not that of my professor. This man is one of the most humble men I have ever met. Christ has made him that way and I have no doubt that this breaking by Christ has everything to do with it.

As he was telling this story, I knew that I was just like him. I was too strong. As I have recounted many times over, one of the biggest sins I struggle with is self-sufficiency. Just look at my life; the evidence abounds. For instance, I have the desire to be able to work on my own car. Now there are many reasons for this (it’s cheaper; I like cars; I like to fix/figure things out), but, let’s face it, I really just don’t want to have to depend on anyone else. Like the stubborn two-year old, I want to “do it myself.” The Lord allowed me to see this vividly recently in an interview with the organization with which I hope to go overseas. We were talking about some pretty difficult things from my past and the interviewer kept asking, “Who did you tell about this (at the time)?” My answer each time, “No one.” Then it hit me: Rachel, you are a self-sufficient fool. No wonder the Lord is making you be more vulnerable now with others.

So, when I heard this testimony from my professor, I knew the Lord would have to break me too. So I braced myself for God’s breaking. But it didn’t come. The Lord was very gracious to allow me to complete my seminary degree without this breaking, and so I forgot about it. But after graduation, the real lessons began (the kinds textbooks and classrooms don’t really prepare you for). My life was flooded with disappointments, difficulties, and struggles. My soul was in turmoil and all I could see was the sin—my selfishness and pride and self-righteousness—that these circumstances revealed (Matthew 18:15-19; Luke 6:45). And, through it all, God was silent. I can all-to-well relate with these words from Jonathan Edwards:

I have had a vastly greater sense of my own wickedness, and the badness of my heart, than ever I had before my conversion . . . My wickedness, as I am in myself, has long appeared to me perfectly ineffable, and swallowing up all thought and imagination; like an infinite deluge, or mountain over my head. I know not how to express better what my sins appear to me to be, than by heaping infinite upon infinite, and multiplying infinite by infinite. Jonathan Edwards (quoted by John Piper in “Job: Reversal in Suffering”)

But, after the last year and a half or so, I think the Lord has me (or almost has me) where He wants me. My pride has been diminished. My will has been broken. My self-sufficiency has been shattered. My trust in the sovereignty and wisdom of Christ has been solidified. And my identity has taken deeper roots in Christ. Not that I have “arrived,” there is still much, much more work the Lord will continue to do in me. But this period of my life was designed by God for a purpose and I think it is for this very purpose described by Piper (in the same sermon) here:

That’s [below] what God is after, Brothers and Sisters, in your life and mine. If He has to lay you in the hospital, He’ll do that. If He can prosper you, He’ll do that. If it takes your spouse, He’ll do that. If it takes your children, He’ll do that. God is after broken-hearted, child-like joy of faith. Whatever it takes. It’s the most valuable thing He could give you. Whatever it costs is worth it.

Even so, Lord Jesus, Your will be done. Amen.