Slow to Anger

So much has happened since I last posted. The holidays came and went. Daniel graduated with his PhD. A new year begun. Justus turned one (!). It's been a whirlwind in many ways and between my daily duties and trying to squeeze in a nap, writing has fallen by the wayside.

But there's something deeper than busyness that's kept me at bay. I haven't had motivation to write. I haven't been inspired. Which says more about my heart than anything else. I have been numb spiritually for quite awhile now and when that happens, thoughts and words feel stifled.

I can pinpoint where the apathy began to take root. It was almost a year ago. Justus was in the hospital with an infection, and I was beside him, watching him suffer. I felt abandoned by God. I felt that God didn't hear my prayers, let alone care about me. I felt that things were unnecessarily hard. I felt alone.

I should listen less to my feelings.

The seeds of bitterness took root during those lonely, difficult days in the hospital, and they continued to grow throughout 2017. I began to tally every disappointment, every hardship, and every loss and add them to the pain. It's hard to want to draw near to God when you keep a record against Him.

But God did not leave me in this state. Even now, I can see how He pursued me in different ways during that time. He didn't answer my "why" questions, but He did beckon me to come to Him. He showed me in His Word how He is near to the broken hearted (Psalm 34:18) and walks with us through the Valley of the Shadow of Death (Psalm 23:4). He reminded me over and over not to depend on my own understanding (Proverbs 3:6) and not to look at the seen things (2 Corinthians 4:16-18), but to trust in Him because He is good and does good - always (Psalm 119:68).

Still I wavered.

During the last few weeks, while studying James 1:19-21 and then listening to a sermon on it at Safe Haven Church, I saw a familiar verse in a new light. Verse 19 says, "Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger." I had always thought about this verse in regards to relating to other people. But when I read it this time, I was struck by the fact that this verse is in relating to God. The Apostle James is writing to a group of suffering Christians. He had earlier in his letter told them to count suffering all joy (v. 3), that those who remain steadfast in suffering are blessed (v. 12), that every good gift comes from our Heavenly Father (v. 17) - even the ones that come in difficult packages, -and that God saved us according to His own will (v. 18). Now James tells them to be quick to listen to God's Word in suffering, to be slow to speak (rashly) to and against God in suffering, and to be slow to anger against God in suffering.

Fail. Fail. Fail.

I had been slow to listen to God's Word, even when I knew what I was reading or hearing was addressing my heart attitude towards the Lord. I had been quick to speak against God in my heart, doubting His goodness and promises, as well as His disposition towards me. And I had been quick to be angry and resentful at God for all the hard things He was allowing in my life. I was full of pride, thinking that God was getting it wrong and not trusting that His ways are higher and better than mine because He can see the whole picture and because He has my ultimate good in mind.

James goes on in verse 20 to say that the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. He is not talking about righteousness by justification, as in trying to make oneself right with God. Jesus alone accomplished that. He makes us right with God. He is our righteousness. Rather, James is talking about a righteousness that leads to living according to God's standards. Man's anger doesn't do that. My anger doesn't do that. What does? A life lived by faith in Christ.

After hearing the sermon on this passage, my heart was pricked and exposed. I could see how I had put God on trial, demanding Him to answer my questions and answer to His ordering of my ways. I was foolish and prideful. But God in His mercy was patient to continually speak to me through His Word until, by His Spirit, I had a breakthrough. He opened my eyes to see His truth and my sin.

Verse 21 gives me the way out: "Put away [i.e. repent of] all filthiness and rampant wickedness and receive [believe] with meekness [an attitude of humility] the implanted word, which is able to save your souls." "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness" (1 John 1:9). I have repented and, with the help of the Holy Spirit, I am trying to trust God's Word over my feelings and circumstances. I am trying to choose thankfulness. There is still much healing to be done in my heart and much fighting to be done to trust in the One who alone is trustworthy, but He fights for me and with me and He will see me through.

A Few More Thoughts

I promise I won’t continue to write about this, but there are so many things that God is up to regarding my last post that I wanted to share a few more things.

Last Sunday at church was Baby Dedication. Perfect timing, right? I say that sarcastically, but it was. It’s no coincidence that I miscarried exactly a week before there would be a church service where parents would dedicate their new babies to the Lord. Unlike some churches and denominations, my church (and I) believe that babies shouldn’t be baptized. We believe that baptism is for those who are old enough to make a conscious decision to follow Christ. No one is born a Christian. We are all born as rebels against God and we must respond to the call to turn to God through Christ in order to be saved. So, instead, my church does baby dedications as a way for families to commit to teaching their children about Jesus and as a way for the church to commit to partnering with and helping families in that high calling.

Even though we didn’t have a little one to dedicate in front of the church, I felt the Lord calling me to do so in my heart. The first question that my pastor asked these new parents was, “Will you entrust your children to the Lord?” When he asked that question, I felt the Lord asking me, “Will you? Will you entrust your little one to me?” Yes. Even though we don’t understand why God took away our child, we choose to entrust him to His care. In fact, what better hands could he be in that God’s? He knew each of the days of our baby's short life before he was even conceived.

My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
    intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
    the days that were formed for me,
    when as yet there was none of them. Psalm 139:15-16

 Later that day, one of our dear friends came by our house to give us flowers and a frame with the baby's name. And that is something else I wanted to share: the way that our brothers and sisters in Christ have mourned with us and supported us through this sorrowful time. As hard as it is to be so open and vulnerable with people about your pain, it is even harder to suffer in silence. I know this from experience. We have seen God work through our Renaissance church family and other Christians we know to comfort us and love us. Our missional community group (a.k.a. small group) has prayed with us, cried with us, sent us cards and text messages, and would do more if we would let them. It has been a beautiful thing to watch Romans 12:15 prove true in the life of the body of Christ: “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.” Our brothers and sisters in Christ rejoiced with us when we shared we were pregnant (the few we told) and mourned with us when we shared our loss. God has used them to bring us much comfort and encouragement, and has also used them to help us remember God’s goodness, sovereignty, and grace.

And God has not only used used this loss to give us the opportunity to be vulnerable with others (which is so hard for me), but He has also used it to help others be vulnerable with us. Several women have shared with me about their miscarriages. Losses they probably wouldn't have shared without learning about my loss. So relationships are going deeper and there has been sweetness in our sorrow. Only God can do that. He brings beauty out of the ashes (Isaiah 61:1-3).

Finally, I can only give credit to Jesus for how we have been responding to this affliction. I am afraid that a few months ago I wouldn’t have responded in faith. Instead, I would have headed in a downward spiral of self-pity and doubt. But God has a way of preparing us for the trials and afflictions He brings our way. He gives us the strength and faith to trust Him and praise Him in the midst of suffering and loss. He helps us to look at the unseen when all we can see is the pain around us. Because even though He causes grief, He will show compassion and shine His face on us again.

You who have made me see many troubles and calamities
    will revive me again;
from the depths of the earth
    you will bring me up again.
You will increase my greatness
    and comfort me again. Psalm 71:20-21

Another Loss

“I shall go to him, but he will not return to me.” 2 Samuel 12:23

This is a deeply personal post. I am sharing because, even though I wouldn’t choose these circumstances, this is how the Lord has chosen to work in my life. I try to be honest that living the Christian life, that following Jesus, is not about a life of ease and comfort. Suffering and affliction come to believers and unbelievers alike, in many shapes and forms, and yet with different purposes. In the life of the one who believes in Jesus Christ, suffering and affliction is a tool that God uses to draw His people closer to Himself (Hos. 6:1-3; Heb. 4:15-16), to increase their trust in Him (2 Cor. 1:9), to teach them (Psalm 119:67, 71), to discipline them (Heb. 12:7-11), to allow them to share in Christ’s sufferings (Phil. 3:8-11; 2 Tim. 1:8), and to allow them to identify with and comfort others (2 Cor. 1:2-7) – to name a few. It is not for punishment. Christ took every ounce of punishment for those who place their trust in Him. And it is not arbitrary or meaningless (2 Cor. 4:16-18). The life and death of Jesus gives meaning to even the most minute and mundane things. God always seems to be a million things at once in our lives, so whatever circumstances we may find ourselves in, they are not pointless.

These are the things that God is reminding me as my husband and I face a painful loss. Death visited us again in January. This time in a way that is harder to understand and express. About a month ago, Daniel and I found out we were pregnant. We were excited (and scared), but so thankful for such a quick answer to prayer. And, suddenly, before we could even begin to wrap our minds around this little gift of life, it was over. At 8 weeks (a week ago today), I miscarried. The talk of painting one of the bedrooms for a nursery, guessing if it would be a boy or girl, and already beginning to care for this tiny addition to our family was all over in an instant.

But God is faithful and He is near. He is not a God who is far away and is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses and sufferings. The Bible says He is close to the broken-hearted (Psalm 34:18). In fact, He entered into and identified with our sufferings by sending His Son, Jesus. Jesus was called a Man of Sorrows (Isaiah 53:3). He was tempted in every way were are, yet He did not sin (Hebrews 4:15). He knows intimately what we are going through and He has been very near to us, pursuing us through His Word and through His people and surrounding us with His presence.

In fact, God began pursuing my heart and preparing me for this loss in the days leading up to the miscarriage (and the days following). Through songs and Bible reading and the radio and the devotional I am reading, He has been calling me to do one thing: Praise (the one thing that doesn’t come naturally in times like these. No matter what would happen with the baby (because by the time last weekend came, we knew there was something wrong), God was asking me to trust Him and to commit to praise Him. He was asking me to adopt the words of Job as my own. Job lost all his possession, his ten children, his heath, and his status in the blink of an eye. And yet this is how he responded:

Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head and fell on the ground and worshiped. And he said, “Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” Job 1:20-21

God asked me to do the same. As I was listening to the Shane and Shane song below, God was essentially ask me, “Will you praise me no matter what? Are you willing to worship me even when I take away?” My heart, although trembling, cried out a firm Yes. I choose to trust You, Lord. I choose to remember that Your ways are higher and thoughts are greater, and that You will not withhold from me anything that is good for me.”

I am currently studying through the Psalms, and even there God was beckoning me to praise Him:

“Praise the Lord! Praise the name of the Lord, give praise, O servants of the Lord…Praise the Lord, for the Lord is good; sing to His name, for it is pleasant.” Psalm 135:1, 3
“Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good, His steadfast love endures forever.” Psalm 136:1

So, with God’s help and strength, that is what Daniel and I have been trying to do. We don’t pretend to understand why we had a miscarriage. We don’t pretend that this isn’t hard or painful, because it is very much so. We don’t pretend we haven’t been tempted to self-pity or bitterness or envy because we have (or, at least, I have). But we do choose to take God at His Word and trust that He is working in such dark circumstances and that He is in control of life and death and that He will work in and through this for our good. And I have no doubt that God will use this loss to make the love and message of Jesus shine brightly in our lives. I have already seen signs of Him doing so. 

Faith in Future Grace

I can’t believe it’s December and this year is almost over. It’s went by so fast. Daniel and I have already been in Pittsburgh for over a year, which is crazy, and he finishes coursework in May. We have been seeking Jesus about what is next.

I started reading Piper’s Future Grace a few days ago. I am only on the second intro (of three) and I am already being challenged. One of the points Piper makes is that the Bible doesn’t use gratitude as a motivation for obeying and serving Jesus, but His future grace – His promises. Yes, we should be thankful to God for everything He has given us – especially the love He has demonstrated to us through sending His Son to die for our sins. But the Bible aims not to motivate us by past grace, but by promising us grace for the future. The two are not unrelated, though. The virginal birth, perfect life, atoning death, and powerful resurrection of Jesus that saves those who trust in Him happened in history, so that it is a past event, but it still holds bearing on the life of an believer (indeed, it’s the foundation of the life of a believer), and that one-time event also bought and secured all of the promises held forth in the Bible.

I think God is going to use this book greatly in my life. In fact, I think my faith needs it. So often I fall into despair and doubting when circumstances get really hard: when my mom is in the hospital, when my life begins to look different than I expected/planned, when I sense little direction from God, when those around me are hurting in so many ways. During those times, I usually doubt God’s good intentions toward me, which means that I am not trusting in His future grace, in His promises. And I don’t want to be like that. I, instead, what to be like the Proverbs 31 woman who laughs at the future because her faith is so firm in the God who controls it. I want to take God at His Word when He says that He works for those who wait for Him (Isaiah 64:4), that He is working for my good (Romans 8:28), and that He will never leave or forsake me (Hebrews 13:5). Lord, increase my faith and help me to stand firm on Your promises.

Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him, and He will act. Psalm 37:5

Reflections on a Year Ago :: Marriage

Photo credit: Sarah Mesa Photography

A year ago yesterday Daniel and I got married. It’s crazy to think it’s been a year since we committed our lives to each other and I traded my name for his, but, then again, so much has happened that it's also not that unbelievable.

Our first year of marriage was, in a word, grace-filled (or is that two words?). The Lord has been so incredibly generous to pour so much grace and love into our marriage. Sometimes I wonder if there is something wrong with us as a couple because we rarely disagree. It could be our temperaments. It could be our desire to please the other. But I really believe it’s the Lord. He alone can create the peace and grace we’ve experienced in our relationship to date.

Though, don’t get me wrong, we have had our share of apologizing and compromising and forgiving. We have had miscommunications and conflicting desires. We have sinned against each other. But these have been, with God’s help, easily and quickly worked through, and we have been growing in communication through them (me especially).

One of the things I expected in marriage was that God would use it as a means of sanctification in each of our lives. By living in such a intimate relationship, our selfishness and pride has many opportunities to express itself. What I did not expect, however, was how the Lord would use Daniel in my life to expose, in greater depths, my desire to please others (especially him) and my desire to appear as though I have it all together (which is hard to do when you're having an almost weekly emotional meltdown due to all the stressers in life).

Photo credit: Sarah Mesa Photography

Not only was I still grieving the loss of my dad and still reeling from all the changes, but – and this is what I didn’t expect – I saw how much I fell short every day. You see, before I got married I would have considered myself a pretty competent person. But then I married my husband, who is extremely competent and does almost everything well (now I know he’s not perfect, but sometimes he comes pretty close!). All of a sudden, I saw how incompetent I was. It seemed like I was always making mistakes or getting my facts mixed up. It was very humbling – very pride-killing. Daniel never pointed out my flaws or really even noticed, but I did. I felt in a new way the weight of Romans 3:23. If I can’t even measure up to my own standards or to the standard my husband sets by his own competence and ability, then how on earth could I measure up to God’s? I can’t. The Bible tells me that. I knew it mentally. But now I felt it.

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. Romans 3:23

This was one thing I did not expect marriage to sharpen for me, but it did. God knew I needed it. He knew I needed to feel my utter dependency and need for Him. He needed to kill my self-sufficiency and self-determination. And I think that the emotional stress and chaotic circumstances along with this drove me to God in a new and deeper way. I couldn’t be the wife God called me to be without Him. I couldn’t work with special needs children without Him. I couldn’t be the church member, friend, sister, daughter – you name it – without Him. I need Jesus desperately every single day.

Photo credit: Sarah Mesa Photography

On the heels of this, though, was another lesson filled with beauty. Any time I messed up, Daniel was always willing and ready to lavish me with grace – to help me and forgive me. He never thought twice about it. He didn’t see me as a mess up. In fact, he probably couldn’t recall the things I did or said wrong. He sees me much differently than I see myself. Isn’t that a picture of Jesus? He is always willing and ready to forgive us when we come to Him and He wants to help us grow. He doesn’t recall the sin He forgives - the sin which He paid for. God doesn’t see us for the mess we really are because the perfection of Jesus covers us. He sees us much differently than we see ourselves. When we look in the mirror, we see our mistakes, imperfections, what could have been; but when Jesus looks at us, He sees us as perfect.

So although marriage has exposed my imperfections and my sinful desires, it has also revealed Jesus to me in a deeper, fuller way. I understand and experience and visibly see His love better than I ever have before. My husband loves me a lot. He tells me so and shows me so every day. But Christ loves me infinitely more. There is so much more to learn about His great love (see the Ephesians passage below), but I am thankful for this first year of marriage that has taken me deeper into it already.

Daniel, thank you for showing Jesus to me. I love you.

No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us. 1 John 4:12

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Ephesians 3:14-19

Reflections on a Year Ago Today :: Engagement

One year ago today Daniel asked me to marry him at Radnor Lake in Nashville. It was a beautiful, warm, sunny day (my favorite) in the midst of wildlife (my favorite) surrounded by lots of trees (my favorite). It was simple, laid back, and fun. So, in short, it was perfect (and so was the simple, classy ring he picked out for me). :)

Just-engaged-selfie

A lot has happened since then, including getting married (nine months ago yesterday). We’ve experienced a lot of change together. We’ve faced some difficulties as a new couple (family illnesses, adjusting to a new city, finding a new church, broken cars and drains and fridges), but adjusting to marriage itself has been relatively smooth. That is not because of us. I am overwhelmed with the grace that God continues to lavish on our marriage. We’ve both been incredibly blessed by this gift of marriage from God. And although it’s hard to daily die to self, to continually strive (with God’s enabling Spirit) to put the interests of Daniel before my own, to see my sin exposed for what it really is (ugly, deep, ever-present – I’m worse than I thought), God has been pleased to help us do just those things (though we will always have room for growth). It is Jesus in us that helps us to love as He loved, to bear with one another’s weaknesses, to seek the good of the other person. I believe that the closer you are in your relationship to Christ, the more these fruits of His character will overflow from you. I’m not there yet by any means, but I have seen the freedom to love others that come when we are secure in Him and are drawing near to Him and finding our satisfaction in Him alone.

So the word I would use to characterize mine and Daniel’s marriage is grace because God has filled our marriage with much, much grace (and love, of course!). The passage below is one of the ones we selected to be read at our wedding ceremony. I believe it is foundational to all relationships (not just spousal) and should be the goal of every mature believer in Christ. I believe it is one of the passages that is foundational to our marriage and undergirds how Daniel and I relate to one another.

Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Philippians 2:3-8

Jesus could have rightly claimed the praises He was due in heaven. He is God. But, instead, He put our interests, our needs, above His own rights. He left His rightful place in heaven, setting aside His glory, so that He could become nothing in order that we could be saved. He lived for us, was tortured and murdered for us, was buried for us, and then was raised for us. All so that we could know Him and enjoy Him and share in His glory. This is the “mind of Christ” that we are supposed to have: a sacrificing mind, a loving mind, an other-centered mind. That is the disposition we are to have with everyone we interact with, especially those closest to us. And if you are a follower of Christ, then this mind is yours in Christ Jesus. By God’s grace and Spirit, let us become who we are in Him.

Abounding and Astounding Grace

Today marks the 14th year since God opened my eyes to see the beauty of Jesus Christ and I, as a result, gave my life to Him (full story here). God has yet again arranged my schedule so that I could spend the day with Him. Daniel just “happens” to be away at a conference in St. Louis, so it’s just me and my Lord this afternoon and evening. I am glad God takes notice of these occasions even more than I do. :)
I have come such a long way since God saved me as a 17-year-old, but what I am continually learning is that I never outgrow my need for the gospel of Jesus Christ. I need it daily. His life, death, resurrection, and ascension into heaven give hope and meaning (or at least it should) to everything I am and do. There have been many hard lessons in the last several years, but no matter if my life is peaceful or stormy, all of it is of grace. Jesus has just as much to teach me in the mundane and rocky seasons of life as He does in the sweet and exciting. All are of Him and under His control and all are a gift that are for my ultimate good (Romans 8:28).

I am currently reading a book by Elyse Fitzpatrick called Because He Loves Me. It’s rocking my world. The goal of the book is to help believers practically apply the gospel of Jesus Christ – His life, death, resurrection, and ascension – to their everyday lives. How does the gospel affect me while I’m stuck in traffic, when I’m entering a new situation, when I’m sweeping the floors, when I mess up, when I have a bad dream (as those have been rather frequent)? More often that not, I’m ashamed to say, it doesn’t. I often lose sight of the gospel during those times. I all too often focus on what’s around me instead of on God’s promises, which leads to frustration, complaining, impatience, self-pity, and a host of other sins that spew from my heart.

Yet, what I’m seeing in this book is that the gospel does really intersect our daily living (and it’s meant to). It is not an abstract reality. It’s not a one-time profession of belief. It’s to be remembered and believed daily, moment by moment. And that’s how much I need it: every moment of every day.

So even though I’ve been following Jesus for 14 years, I will never get passed these basic truths: I was a rebellious enemy of God who deserved His punishment, and God requires my sins be punished and He also requires that I be perfect. I am not perfect and could never measure up to God’s perfect standard. God knew this, so in His great love, mercy, and grace, He provided a way. He sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to live the perfect life God required of me and to suffer the punishment that God required of me. Then three days later, God raised Jesus from the dead to show that His sacrificial death was accepted. Jesus then ascended into heaven where He now remains to intercede for those who believe in Him. He did everything. I bring nothing to the table except the sin that nailed Him to the cross.

Nothing in my hand I bring,
Simply to thy Cross I cling. Augustus M. Toplady, “Rock of Ages”

All that He requires of me, of us, is that I (we) believe, which is also from Him.

Jesus answered them, “This is the work of God, that you believe in him whom he has sent.” John 6:29
“The time is fulfilled, and the kingdom of God is at hand; repent and believe in the gospel.” Mark 1:15
Because, if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. Romans 10:9
For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. Ephesians 2:8-9

God is so gracious. I am coming out of a spiritually dry season. I was lost, so to speak. I was full of complaining and bitterness and self-pity and had totally lost sight of who God is and what He has done. But God in His grace pulled me up out of this muck and mire and set my feet upon a rock, filling my mouth with praise and heart with joy (Psalm 40:1-3). Jesus has been patiently teaching me about His great love and grace, softening my heart, and showing me His many good gifts that He daily lavishes upon me. The lessons have been sweet of late. Jesus has brought so much healing to my heart in recent months and has been restoring and strengthening my trust in Him. His grace really is astounding.Nothing compares to knowing Him.

It Takes the Church

Wow. I can’t believe it's almost been two months since my last post - a testament to the craziness of the last few months. During that time I quit my job at Southern (July 25th), got married (August 2nd), and moved to Pittsburgh (August 19th) where my husband (!) just started a Ph.D. at Duquesne (August 25th). I am just now starting to feel like I can catch my breath.

There are so many things I could blog about, but I wanted to take time to focus on the faithfulness of God shown through His people, the church, to make my marriage ceremony to Daniel Hurst happen.

It is true that God cares about the most minute details of life. I experienced that firsthand. Jesus says that our heavenly Father feeds the birds and that He adorns the flowers with their many colors, shapes, and sizes (Matthew 6:25-33). How much more will He care for His children for whom He sent His Son Jesus to die…and care for them in every single detail of their lives (John 3:16; 2 Corinthians 9:8; Philippians 4:19)?

Daniel and I wanted Jesus to be put on display through our wedding ceremony (and most importantly our marriage), so we covered every detail of it with prayer. And God answered and provided. We wanted the ceremony to be a worship service that was full of God’s joy and peace and we wanted to honor God with our resources (i.e. we didn't want to spend a lot of money or have an elaborate ceremony). And God honored those desires. When choosing colors and cake and such, neither of us were set on any particular ideal. We were both very open to whatever the Lord might have for us. As I prayed about details, ideas would just “come to my mind.” For example: while looking at wedding cakes (which apparently are very expensive), I didn’t want to spend over $200. Everything I found was around $300 for a three-tier cake and sheet cake. I don’t even like cake. So I talked to the Lord about this and, as I was falling asleep one evening, the thought came, “What about a two-tier cake?” The next day, Daniel and I went to Whole Foods (who we heard had decently-priced wedding cakes). Each Whole Foods is different, and the one in Louisville was just starting to tap into the wedding-cake industry. Since that hadn’t launched, they could only do two-tier cakes for $50. Sold. And it turned out beautifully (especially after Daniel’s sister added the flowers).

Sarah Ayer Photography

That is just one example of many of how the Lord guided and provided. But what’s even better than that is how God’s people came together to make our wedding day happen. My bridesmaids and other Christian sisters let me borrow things to use as décor or connected me to people who had what I needed/wanted AND they did a lot of the work. I honestly could care less about decorating and such (not my forte), but these women were more than eager, not to mention joyful, to help in any way they could.

The same can be said about our church family, Rolling Fields Church. There was a buzz of excitement in the air throughout the church body leading up to our wedding day. There were so many people who helped out behind the scenes before, during, and after the ceremony: setting the stage, setting up chairs and tables for the rehearsal dinner and reception, preparing and serving food at the reception, making the bouquets and floral arrangements…I can’t help thinking that last year, Rolling Fields wept with those who wept, and how this year, they rejoiced with those who rejoiced (Romans 12:15). They practically showed the love of Christ to Daniel and me – and still continue to do so even though we’ve moved away.

The day of the wedding, everything just seemed to “fall into place” (Psalm 37:5). The rain moved out that morning just in time for outdoor pictures, and the Lord provided the beautiful weather for which we had prayed. Jesus filled me with His peace throughout the day and His presence was evident in our ceremony. Many people commented on how the ceremony pointed to Jesus – which is what we had deeply desired and prayed for (Psalm 37:4). To Him be the glory.

Sarah Ayer Photography

So this is why I titled this blog “It Takes the Church.” Could we have pulled off this wedding day on our own? Probably so, but it would have taken more time and money, been more stressful (because it turned out to be rather stress-free) and less joyful, and we wouldn’t have had the blessings of watching the church be the church to us. And these brothers and sisters not only invested in our wedding day, they invested into our lives and into our marriage, which they were rightly more concerned about. So in saying “It takes the church,” I am saying it takes the body of Christ expressed in the form of the local church body (not the building – though that was useful for our ceremony :). And that’s the way it should be, right? Because, after all, the wedding ceremony is a picture and foretelling of the Great Wedding to come: the marriage of Jesus Christ to His Bride, the Church (Revelation 19:6-9; Ephesians 5:32). This is the Wedding Day we’re all waiting for (whether we realize it or not) and the only one that matters eternally. “Blessed are those who are invited to the marriage supper of the Lamb” (Revelation 19:9).

If you were unable to make it to our ceremony and want to watch it, click below.
 

Gladdened Days

but, though he cause grief, he will have compassion
according to the abundance of his steadfast love - Lamentations 3:32

The verse has been running through my mind the past few weeks. It’s no secret that the last few years have been hard. The Lord has done much to cause grief, but He did so in order to show His compassion. He has been at work refining and pruning and disciplining and teaching and revealing through the various trials and difficulties He has allowed in my life. The lessons have been invaluable, and even though I may not be thankful for the circumstances themselves, I am thankful for all that the Lord did in me and through me because of them.

But these latter months have been different. The Lord has been pleased to bring more joyous occasions into mine and my family’s lives. Namely, both my sister and me are getting married this year. This is the gift of the Lord and many people have pointed out His kindness in bringing such happy circumstances into our lives after such a tough season. I couldn’t agree more. But, yet, I still have this underlying fear that this will all end badly too; that the hard lessons aren’t over. In essence, I am not trusting God or hoping in Him or believing that He is working for my good – which is sin. God has proven Himself over and over to be both good and faithful to me, but yet I still have troubling believing Him. When my focus is on Him and not my circumstances or fears or my inabilities or shortcomings, I can live in the freedom and joy and peace of all God is for me in Jesus Christ. But when my focus is elsewhere, fear and disbelief and mistrust takes over.

But even when I’m faltering, God is still kind and ever-willing to show Himself faithful. As Jerry Bridges says, whether I believe it or not, God is still working all things for my good just as He promises in Romans 8:28. And God has been ever so gracious to give me glimpses of that.

There are some pretty hard holidays/occasions coming up for me and my family that will remind us of the pain from last year. There are also several bridal showers. As I was looking at the calendar for the summer, I realized that every single occasion coming up was surrounded by a celebratory event. God had already gone before us. 

May 3 – Azalea Weekend in Frederickown, MO (Derby Weekend in Louisville): Last year, Kristi and I went home to MO to spend Azalea weekend with Dad. We had visions of the tractor pull and car show…but it was not to be. It was rainy and chilly that weekend and my dad was super sensitive to the cold because of the chemo. It was a disappointing weekend and it was hard to see my dad so frail and miserable. But this year was not disappointing. This year I got engaged. :)

Mother’s Day – Mom said this would be a hard day for her because Dad always got her a gift and card. This year the Lord worked it out that Kristi and I could spend the weekend with her. We went wedding dress shopping. We went out to eat. We watched a movie together. I also had a bridal shower.

Father’s Day – We weren’t home last year, but we did call our Dad. I can’t do that this year. For obvious reasons, this will be a hard day. This year, on the day prior to Father’s day, Kristi & James and Daniel & I plan to go to St. Louis to do each other’s engagement photos.

Dad’s Birthday (June 23rd) – Last year, Kristi and I went home for Dad’s birthday. It was also the start of my FMLA leave from work to take care of Dad. This year, we are going home to Missouri again, but this time for Kristi’s first bridal shower.

Fourth of July – Last year, Dad was extremely sick and was throwing up for days. Both he and I went into the hospital (different ones) on July 5th. This year, Rolling Fields is throwing me a bridal shower on July 6th.

Mom & Dad’s Wedding Anniversary (July 11th) – Not only is this Mom and Dad’s wedding anniversary, it was also the day that Dad had surgery last year and the day that the surgeon told us to call hospice. This year, I am throwing my sister a shower on July 12th.

September 3 – This will mark the one-year point since my dad’s death. Although, time does heal the wound, the pain is still very much there and so is the void. There actually isn’t an event this year to offset this date like those listed above, but both mine and my sister’s weddings (August 2nd and October 4th respectively) surround it perfectly. September 3rd is smack dab in the middle of those two dates.

Do you see the kindness of the Lord in this? We did not plan these dates, but He did. These were just the dates that “happened” to work best with our schedules or with the schedules of others. This is not to say that there won’t still be pain and tears and sorrow. There will be, but the Father is kind to give us something to celebrate in the midst of the sorrow. He is helping us make good memories in the midst of the painful ones. I’m not even that big on showers, but they are a celebration of something good that God is doing in our lives, of an earthly gift that the Lord is giving us, and of the future marriage union we believers will one day have with Christ.

My Turn

Rachel and Daniel :: Engaged! May 3, 2014

How Deep

Today marks the 13^th year since God saved me. But I guess that is just from my finite point of view because, according to the Bible, God chose to save me long before time even began.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption as sons [and daughters] through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved. Ephesians 1:3-6

This morning God graciously overwhelmed me with His love and presence. I have been thinking about how God chose me to be His more and more lately. I think the relationship I’m currently in has prompted this. Even though dating/marriage relationships are finite, they do mirror God’s relationship to us in some respects, and this relationship has helped me to better understand God’s choosing and loving pursuit of me. I didn’t really do anything to earn the attention and pursuit of the man I’m dating (though, unlike God, he must have seen something attractive in me). He chose to pursue me and, for some reason, keeps choosing to do so. God, on the other hand, saw me before I was created, saw that I was a rebellious sinner in whom there is nothing good (Romans 7:18), and still chose to make me His, to pursue me and save me and love me. It was not because He saw anything in me worth saving or that I did anything to earn His favor or that He even looked into the future and saw that I would follow Him (because I wouldn’t have without His initiative first – 1 John 4:19). No. There was nothing in me that prompted Him choosing me to be His. He just chose to. That is called free grace – God giving me what I do not deserve at no cost whatsoever to me. I couldn’t earn it and didn’t even know I needed it or wanted it. But He gave it and He gave it freely. I do not even pretend to get or understand this.

For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die—but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:6-8

God shows His love for us in that WHILE we were STILL sinners, He sent His Son to die for us. We are not good in and of ourselves. This is what this passage is saying. We might be willing to die for the people we love or for someone who is a good person, but the love of Christ is deeper than that. He gave His life not only for those who aren’t good (Romans 3:10-11), but for His enemies (Romans 5:10), for those who deserved His punishment and anger (John 3:36). This is like giving your live to save an Adolf Hitler or a Timothy McVey. We wouldn't do that. But the love of Christ is radical.

I realize more and more the truth that there is nothing good in me apart from Christ (Romans 7:18); that there is nothing in me to commend me to God. But the love of Christ is deep. It is deep enough to cover the deep crevices of sin that lurk in my heart (sin that I don’t even know exists). It is deep enough to cover my limited view of His grace and love. It is deep enough to cover the entirety of my life: from my first breath to my last; all my fears and failures…to cover all of me. Whatever may be my trial or temptation or lot, Christ love is deeper still. He interrupted the darkness that was my life and spoke His light into it (2 Corinthians 4:6). He specializes in such interruptions. I once was dead in my sins, following the course of this world, being ruled by the prince of the power of the air (Ephesians 2:1-2). I once was not on a path that would inherit God’s kingdom (1 Corinthians 6:9-10). I once was one who did not believe in God and disobeyed His Word (1 Peter 2:7-8). Then come the great “buts” of Scripture:

• But God, because of His great love and mercy, made me alive in Christ Jesus (Ephesians 2:5)
• But God washed me clean of sin and sanctified me and justified me in Christ by the Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 6:11)
• But God chose me as His own possession, to be a part of His chosen race (1 Peter 2:9)
• But God shows His love for me in that while I was still a sinner, Christ died for me (Romans 5:8)

The depth of the love of Christ initiates, provides for, and secures these things. This is not something I even pretend to grasp – and I think I need to be further along in my grasp of it than I am – but it is something that I pray to grow in as I continue to walk with the Lord. It is a prayer that I believe the Lord is answering.

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father…that according to the riches of his glory, he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Ephesians 3:14, 16-19

Seek & Find

You're calling me to lay aside the worries of my day
To quiet down my busy mind and find a hiding place – from the song Unashamed Love

God has been calling me to commune with Him and, to my shame, I have been rather slow in responding. I’m so easily distracted and so easily pleased. Ministry can be distracting. Relationships can be distracting. Change can be distracting. Burdens can be distracting. Anything really can be distracting. It doesn’t take much to lure my mind and affections away from Christ.

Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me.” But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.” Luke 10:40-42

Oh, how many times has the Lord applied this verse to me! Like the old hymn goes, “Prone to wander, Lord I feel it.” And I do feel it. But what’s awesome is that the Lord is never distracted. His pursuit of His children is constant. He is gentle, never forceful, but He is persistent, and He will do whatever it takes to help us to see how much we need Him.  

The Lord has been reminding me through sermons and Scripture of His desire for intimacy with me. He is not so much concerned with me serving Him as He is with me knowing Him. The former naturally and beautifully flows out of the latter. The God of the universe wants to meet with me. Whoa. Over and over we see in Scripture the command and call to seek God. “Come to Me.” “Abide in Me.” “Seek Me.” “Delight in Me.” And when we do so, He promises we’ll find Him. He promises to meet with us. He promises to give us Himself.

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. Revelation 21:3

So after becoming weary and worn and unsettled, I have finally started responding to the Lord’s call by carving out more time to spend with Him, taking thoughts captive, and meditating on His promises. I am in no way saying that this is works-based. The amount of time I spend with the Lord does not affect my standing with Him. Jesus does not favor me more or less (as hard as that is for me to grasp!) if I spend 2 hours with Him or none at all. But how can I clearly discern His voice, how can I be strengthened and refreshed in His presence, how can I abide in His love and peace, if I do not seek His face, soak in His Word, or desire His presence? His love and favor and grace and mercy are never failing and He lavishes them upon us, but we do have a part to play. We are commanded to ”seek His presence continually” (Psalm 105:4). And we cannot do that apart from the means which God gave us; by relying on His Spirit to illumine His Word as we read it and direct our prayers as we raise them. He is worthy of us seeking Him with our whole heart. He is worthy of such attention and devotion. Our search will be rewarded. We will find Him (for He is very near - Psalm 145:18) and we will not be disappointed.

“Ears You Have Dug for Me”

This world is broken. I hear/read about it every day. I experience it in ministry. I see it in my own heart. The world is broken. People are broken. I am broken.

I am broken and I have been broken (Hosea 6:1). The Lord has done a lot in my life over the last three years to bring me to where I am now. Even though I would not want to relive the heartaches, pains, and disappointments of the last few years, I wouldn’t trade the lessons for anything. God knows the best way to get the attention of each of His children. Out of a heart of compassion and mercy, He sometimes allows His people to experience suffering and difficult times to refine them, increase their faith, and reveal even more of Himself to them. These have been some of the results I have seen in my own life.

It is good for me that I was afflicted,
that I might learn your statutes…
If your law had not been my delight,
I would have perished in my affliction. Psalm 119:71, 92

I noticed during my time in South Asia, as I was teaching ESL to Muslims who opposed the truth of Christ, that the Lord was deepening my faith in His Word. It was an inner strength I could feel building within me as I defended God’s Truth and based my life on His Word. This conviction only deepened during the hardships I later faced and I have seen the mercy of God use it to give me a boldness and firmness when sharing the gospel that I had never had before. I believe this firmness and boldness is a direct result of all that God has allowed me to go through recently. It is a result of being forced to depend on God for everything; of realizing that I am not self-sufficient and that I need Him for everything – truths I knew mentally but wasn’t living out in my day-to-day life. But one of God’s many graces is that He does not let us live in self-deception; believing the lie that we are okay the way we are. He brings our sins to the forefront so that we might turn from them and experience more of the “abundant life” that He offers us in Christ (John 10:10). This abundant life does not necessarily mean a life of material things or comfort and ease, but one that is living in intimate communion with the Lord of the universe—Jesus Christ. He is Life and Freedom and Joy and the source of every good thing (James 1:17). And the way to know Him intimately is through His Word, the Bible.

Your words were found, and I ate them,
and your words became to me a joy
and the delight of my heart,
for I am called by your name,
O Lord, God of hosts. Jeremiah 15:16

And so through my time in South Asia and recent trials, the words of God have become to me a joy and the delight of my heart – just as the Prophet Jeremiah said above. I love God’s Word. It is the primary way in which God speaks to me and it is the foundation of all I do and believe. It is the only absolute truth (1 Peter 1:24-25) and tells us all we need to know about God, ourselves, our world, and how we can be saved from the punishment we deserve (2 Timothy 3:16-17). The Word of God is food for my soul; indeed, it is more important than the food I eat. I can go longer without food than without Scripture. My soul begins to shrivel rather quickly if I go more than one day without feasting on God’s Word.

And he humbled you and let you hunger and fed you with manna, which you did not know, nor did your fathers know, that he might make you know that man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. Deuteronomy 8:3

But feeding on God’s Word does not happen by accident. It takes intentionality and discipline. It also take the help of the Lord (remember: we are dependent upon Him for everything). He gives us the desire and will. He – as the psalmist says – opens our ear to hear and understand His Word (Psalm 40:6; also Job 33:16). Literally in the Hebrew the phrase “open ear” means “ears you have dug for me.” I like that imagery. Sometimes God’s digs ears for us through affliction (like Psalm 119:71 above) or trials or other circumstances. We may have physical ears, but Jesus has to give us spiritual ears so that we can hear His voice, understand His words – ears trained to contain His truth and long for His truth. That is why I think the imagery of digging works so well. Our spiritual ears must be opened and dug deep to contain the greatness of God’s Word. I guess God could just open our ears in an instant…but I doubt we would treasure His Word so much without the journey it takes to make us depend upon and treasure His Word. We (or maybe it’s just me) usually don’t learn the lesson of dependence easily.

So this year I have decided to read through the Bible using a chronological reading plan. I also plan to study the book of Psalms in depth (because I need more than just four chapters a day). I encourage you to make a plan for reading the Bible this year as well if you haven’t already. It’s only January 19th, so it’s not too late to start. You won’t regret it. I promise. :)

Grace upon Grace

For from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace. – John 1:16

God is a very gracious God. He longs to show people grace. He does not delight in the death of the wicked and He desires for all people to know Him. Once a person becomes a believer, God’s grace toward them continues. His grace is displayed throughout our salvation, justification, sanctification, and then, finally, our glorification. There is no part of the Christian walk that God’s grace does not cover. John Piper says that God’s glory is most shown through His display of free grace. And if we pay attention, His grace is at work all around us. He is constantly wooing, disciplining, teaching, warning, and guiding because of His grace. As I have considered the past few months, there are two clear ways I have seen the grace and kindness of God displayed.

The first is the grace of God displayed in my dad’s life. Dad would have been the first to tell you that he backslid in his walk with the Lord. He wasn’t were he once was with God. The cares of this world, his flesh, and other things had distracted him from his first love. He was still a believer, but he wasn’t walking in the fullness of God. He was more or less going through the motions. This went on for many years. He still had a yearning for Christ, but I think there was some kind of disconnect, like he was lost in his circumstances. But God is a gracious God and He never loses one of His own. He will draw His people back to him in one way or another. Last summer (2012), my dad rededicated himself to the Lord. He began reading his Bible more, spending more time with the Lord, telling others about Christ – in short, cultivating his relationship with the Lord. And the Lord promises that those who draw near to Him, He will likewise draw near to (James 4:8). God started speaking to him and showing him things. My dad felt very close to the Lord and he was very excited about it. This is grace. It was very kind of God to draw my dad back to him in the last year of his life. God didn’t have to do this, but He chose to, and I praise Him for that.

I, on the other hand, wondered why God was showing Dad things and what-not when he still wasn’t going to church or doing such and such. I was praying about that one day and the Lord said, “It’s because I love him.” Of course! Yes ,we should persevere in the spiritual disciplines – Bible reading, fasting, praying, fellowship with other believers (primarily expressed through attending a local church body), giving, evangelism, etc. – but they do not save us. They don’t make God love us any more or any less. They do not earn us more favor with Him and God does not require that we do them all or do them perfectly in order for Him to bless us with His presence. Jesus loves to show us His love. He loves to pour out on His people grace upon grace. I saw Him do that in my dad. Jesus was so kind to draw my dad back to Him during his final months, delighting my dad with His presence. And the effect on my dad was evident: he became more humble, he started tithing and giving more, he rediscovered what was truly important, and he was quick to apologize and ask for forgiveness (which he rarely did before). That’s what happens when you meet with Jesus. He changes you. You cannot meet with Jesus and not be changed.

As I considered these things, I realized that God drew my dad back to Him and allowed him to suffer like he did because He was preparing Dad for glory. The Apostle Paul says that “through many tribulations we much enter the kingdom of God” (Acts 14:22). Jesus was refining my dad for eternity, for perfect fellowship with his Creator, for seeing Him face-to-face. Jesus was making him “fit” for glory. And even though my dad suffered a great deal, his suffering does not compare to the glory that is now revealed to him (Romans 8:18). He is currently experiencing God’s grace in all of its fullness. And that, my friends, is God’s grace at its peak.

The second way I have seen the grace of God lately is in my own personal walk with Him. Granted, He pours out His grace on me daily in undeserved measure, but I have been keenly aware of “the riches of His grace in kindness” (Ephesians 2:7) compared to the coldness of my apathetic and weary heart. Last weekend (December 1st), even though I wasn’t spending the time in the Bible I normally do and I was having short devotions and even though I was distracted, tired, and apathetic, God still met me in a powerful way at Meadow Heights. He allowed me to sense His presence. He gave me His peace and joy. And He met me powerfully with His Word through a sermon that met me right where I was. The sermon was on Lamentations 3:20-26, which “happened” to be the exact verses in my devotional reading that morning from Jesus Calling. Several of the points in the sermon were exactly what I had been thinking about the day before (.e. there is a better Day coming). I was so surprised but also overjoyed that the Lord met me in this way. And it was not because I deserved it or earned it. I had been going through the motions through most of the previous week and had not been putting much effort into seeking God. And even though that is a horrible thing to do because Jesus is so precious and lovely and worthy and even though I had to repent of such an apathetic attitude, God did not draw away from me. He gave me exactly what I needed to jump-start my failing heart: Himself. Of course, we should seek God above all else, making our relationship with Him our top priority…but we don’t do these things perfectly nor do these things make God love us any more or less. He loves to display His love. He loves to pour out upon us grace upon grace. When our sin abounds, His grace abounds all the more (Romans 5:20). This does not mean that we should not strive for holiness and obedience. The Apostle Paul was clear about that (Romans 6:1-2)! But it does mean that God is bigger than our disobedience and sin and apathy and backsliding. There is nothing than can separate us from His love. Nothing.

For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39

Carried

The past two weeks have been rather rough. My attitude and response toward life has been less than praiseworthy and I have had several meltdowns when bad news or disappointment has come my way. There is an instability within myself that I’ve not known before as I struggle to cling to God’s promises and wrestle with deep questions. But although I’ve been struggling (more like drowning on some days), I am not alone. God has not abandoned me. In fact, He meets me everyday through His Word and through His people to strengthen, encourage, sustain, and even rebuke me.

God has given me some amazing brothers and sisters in Christ for which I am deeply thankful. I do not deserve such kindness, but, thankfully, the Lord does not give me what I deserve. These men and women have shared Scripture with me, prayed for and with me, cried with me, pointed me to Christ, and helped me remember God’s promises. They have literally been the hands and feet of Jesus to me during these turbulent times. Like on Friday when I was having one of those aforementioned meltdowns at work, one sweet friend took over my gatekeeper position in the office while I went to the bathroom to cry. As I was sitting on the floor sobbing, another sweet friend came in and sat with me and prayed with me. I know the Lord sent her to me to comfort me in that moment.

For just as the body is one and has many members, and all the members of the body, though many, are one body, so it is with Christ…But God has so composed the body, giving greater honor to the part that lacked it, that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another. If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together. 1 Corinthians 12:12, 24-26

One of the sweetest aspects of the last few months has been watching the church be the church (as described in the passage above). While I do have amazing friends at work and in ministry, I am also very blessed to be a part of two wonderful church families – one in my hometown in Missouri and the other here in the Kentuckiana area. While they are pretty different from one another in many ways, both are committed to the Word of God and both long to show the love of Christ in practical ways. They long to be the church found in Acts 2 that is committed to the teachings of Jesus and devoted to love one another as well as the those who are unchurched. Most people have trouble finding one solid church that they can be a part of, but the Lord has let me be a part of two.

The first is Meadow Heights Church in Fredericktown, Missouri. I started attending this church when I was in the seventh grade. It was instrumental in me coming to faith in Christ, watering the seeds of faith that were sown by my parents, and played a vital role in my early stages as a new Christian, teaching me what it meant to follow Christ and the importance of having a daily quiet time with Him. Even though I haven’t been regularly attending that church since I moved to Louisville, they are still like family to me and are always more than willing to help me and my family. They were more than helpful when my dad was sick and when he passed away, bringing us food, providing a location as well as the menu for the after-funeral dinner, offering many, many prayers, giving money – willing and eager to do whatever was needed. Even now, they continue to help my mom with things she needs done around the house. They do this because the love of Christ compels them. Because, honestly, they are not receiving many benefits from my family. You can’t say it’s because of our tithes or our service or any such thing because Kristi and I don’t live there anymore. They did it out of love – love for Jesus and love for us.  

After moving to Louisville, I began attending Rolling Fields Church in Jeffersonville, Indiana (right across the river from Louisville). I have been a member there for six years now (hard to believe!). It is a small church and most people in the Louisville area haven’t heard of it, but God is up to some great things there. It is a rare place where you get solid teaching and have plenty of opportunities to serve. The Lord has used this church to stretch me in many ways when it comes to serving and leading, and it has also been instrumental in sustaining me through these difficult years. Every sermon is exactly what I need to hear. Since the church is small, I have grown a lot when it comes to fellowshipping with other believes. I am a private person and sinfully self-reliant, so this wasn’t my strong suit when it came to the spiritual disciplines, but you can’t hide that well in small places, and I have learned to give of myself to others and let them give of themselves to me, and I have been blessed immensely by the deeper relationships that God has allowed me to develop there. Rolling Fields has also been such a blessing to me and my family (whom they’ve barely met) these past few months. Even though they couldn’t be with us physically (though I know they wished they could!), they sent money and encouraging cards and emails and offered up countless prayers – willing and eager to do whatever was needed. They too do this because the love of Christ compels them. I was gone to Missouri for three months. They had every excuse to let my home church care for me, to focus on more local things, to say they are too small and their resources too few, but they didn’t. They did it out of love – love for Jesus and love for me and my family.

So these two bodies of believers have been God’s means of grace to me. God is the God of all comfort, and He chose to comfort and provide and care for me and my family through His people, His body, His church(es). And isn’t that the way it should be? Yes. This is the way the church is supposed to function: supporting weak members, caring for one another, sacrificing to help those in need. This is what Christ does for us. He helps the weak (2 Corinthians 12:9). He cares for others (1 Peter 5:7). He sacrificed Himself to help those in need (Hebrews 10:10-14). He is the head of the church, His body, and His body is supposed to follow His example (Colossian 1:18). This is the mark of a true church: loving God and loving others, representing Christ (His heart and mission) to those around them. I am blessed to be part of two such churches and I am very thankful for them both.

We give thanks to God always for all of you, constantly mentioning you in our prayers, remembering before our God and Father your work of faith and labor of love and steadfastness of hope in our Lord Jesus Christ. 1 Thessalonians 1:2-3

Enclosed by the Everlasting Arms

The eternal God is your dwelling place,
and underneath are the everlasting arms. Deuteronomy 33:27a

It’s hard to put into words these past few weeks. The days have been long and tiring and filled with one trial after another, but the Lord has so strengthened me by His grace and given me His unexplainable peace and joy. Sometimes I almost feel guilty that I am not doing worse than I am considering the circumstances, but that’s the power of God’s sustaining grace. It is nothing in me, not at all. I would have collapsed under the weight of my life if not for Jesus Christ. And the primary way that the Lord Jesus has been sustaining me and my family is through His people, through the Church. We have been lovingly bombarded with emails, phone calls, text messages, meals (compliments of Meadow Heights Church), money, and even flowers (sent by my sweet coworkers in the President’s Office). Most importantly, though, and most powerfully, God has used the innumerous prayers of His people to carry us through these difficult days.

Another way that God has sustained us that is just as important and just as powerful is His Word. I am always amazed at how His Word always comes at just the right time. Sermons, devotionals, daily Bible reading, Scripture passages given to us by others – all of these things are exactly what my family and I have needed to hear and, often, the same Scripture verses are interwoven throughout all these various means. The Word of God has indescribable and mysterious power to speak directly to our specific circumstances and bring the kind of inner healing and comfort nothing and no one else can.

I have been trying to take each day one at a time and deal with each situation as it comes, but sometimes I see the magnitude of my current life circumstances and I am overwhelmed. Last week everything seemed to happen at once: I had a gallbladder attack and had to have surgery to remove it; while I was in the hospital, my mom took my dad to another hospital because he had been throwing up for three days; two of our three cars are having problems…even the cat has been limping. I am not one that thinks there is a demon behind every bush, but it really seems like our family is under attack from the enemy. But what he means for evil, God designs for good, and it is ultimately God who has allowed these circumstances into our lives for His good purposes, which are yet to be revealed and which I don't even pretend to understand.

Our circumstances darkened this week. My dad was scheduled to have surgery to remove a partial blockage and his gallbladder, but when the surgeon cut him open, he saw that he has many partial blockages and that the cancer has pretty much taken over his abdomen and intestinal system. He wound up not doing anything as planned, but instead inserted a tube in his stomach to use as a kind of pressure/overflow valve to help prevent vomiting. Then came the dreaded word: Hospice. They are calling in hospice next week.

I am so thankful that the Lord has settled in my mind the truths of His sovereignty and goodness in the difficult years leading up to this. I know for a fact that God is sovereign and good and those weighty truths have been a source of comfort and stability in the midst of this storm. But hard days do lie ahead. I mean, how do you prepare for someone leaving you for good, someone that has been a part of your whole life, when even now just walking into his bedroom makes me burst into tears…

It’s the unknown, I guess, that is the most scary. Kind of like with my recent surgery. I was not afraid of the actual surgery, but it was the pain I would experience afterward that made me a little apprehensive. It would be a pain I had not experienced before. It’s the same with this. I am not as afraid of the actual death of my dad, as much as of the pain that will follow with the empty shirts and the broken-down cars and when I need advice…How do you prepare for that?! The same way we prepare for anything: giving thanks, praying always, and trusting the Lord; taking each day one at a time, remembering that His mercies are new every morning, and that His grace is sufficient for anything and everything that comes.

But this I call to mind,
and therefore I have hope:
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“therefore I will hope in him.”
The Lord is good to those who wait for him,
to the soul who seeks him.
It is good that one should wait quietly
for the salvation of the Lord. Lamentations 3:21-26

Dying Embers

The Lord is very kind to me in more ways than I can count or recount. I am always amazed at how He sends things/people my way at exactly the right time. Although He is sovereign over the universe, He is also very diligent and personal in His dealings with each of His children. I love that about Him.

For the past 9 days, the Lord has been immersing me with sermons and events and videos that have reminded me of His great global purpose, His heart for the nations, the urgent need to share the gospel, and His personal call on my life to take this gospel to those who have no access to it. Last week was Global Evangelization Week at Southern where global ministry workers from around the world came and shared about what God was doing in their parts of the globe. There was a hymn sing, a 24-hour prayer vigil for the nations, and mission-focused chapel messages. I was also able to attend an International Women’s Ministry event at Immanuel Baptist Church and celebrate the Chinese New Year’s with friends. The week ended with the Resolute Conference where the theme was “To the Ends of the Earth.” My weak, self-centered, distracted, waning soul needed these things desperately, as the Lord knew. The truth is, as the Lord has had me in this holding pattern, as I have been waiting and waiting and waiting, as I have faced trials and struggles and painful circumstances, my passion and vision for serving God overseas has faded. In fact, it was on life support. I didn’t doubt my calling, but I could no longer see the end goal. I had gotten so bogged down in the present that I had almost forgotten my life’s aim, my ambition. The burning passion God had placed in my heart to answer His call to “go” had become dying embers.

But God, in His mercy and grace, would not let those embers completely burn out. It is not a mistake that all of these things happened within a week of each other. In fact, they are a direct answer to prayer. I had been asking the Lord (and asking others to ask the Lord for me) to revive my heart for His global mission. Not only had I lost sight of God’s desire for the nations, but I had also forgotten the power of the gospel – the power of the gospel to heal diseases and to save sinners and transform lives. All I could see was the muck and mire that I seemed to be entrenched in. But, like I said, God is very kind to me; kind to reveal my sin to me (I was not trusting Him for good things or even expecting Him to do good things) and kind to turn my heart toward the things that capture His.

It’s bittersweet, though. In the midst of the reminders of the millions of people who have never heard of Jesus Christ, who have no access to His saving gospel message, who have no Bible in their language, comes the cost of going. I’m not talking about financial cost; I’m talking about the cost of leaving people behind. The stakes are higher than ever before in my life now that my dad has cancer and my mom’s health has been questionable. That’s not to mention the possibility of my sister’s eyes continuing to deteriorate. Of course, I have always known there was a cost in going. Anything can happen when you are gone overseas for years at a time. There is no guarantee that you will see the faces of your family members again. But now that fact seems more certain. So I have been asking myself since the year began, should I still go? Is it right to leave behind ailing parents? What does honoring them look like in this situation while still be obedient to the Lord? The Lord Jesus’ answer this week was loud and clear: “Count the cost. Follow me. Trust me. Go.”

Now the LORD said to Abram, “Go from your country and your kindred and your father's house to the land that I will show you. Genesis 12:1

As they were going along the road, someone said to him, “I will follow you wherever you go.” And Jesus said to him, “Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay his head.” To another he said, “Follow me.” But he said, “Lord, let me first go and bury my father.”
And Jesus said to him, “Leave the dead to bury their own dead. But as for you, go and proclaim the kingdom of God.” Yet another said, “I will follow you, Lord, but let me first say farewell to those at my home.” Jesus said to him, “No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God.” Luke 9:57-62

These are hard things. There is a cost to following Jesus. And the question that comes to each of us is, “Is Jesus worth it?” Yes. He is infinitely worthy of anyone or thing we may be called to sacrifice. He is life and He is satisfaction, and it is only in living in daily obedience and surrender to His plan that I will fully experience that life and satisfaction. It doesn’t mean the sacrifice isn’t painful; it is gut-wrenchingly painful. But God once again in His kindness and grace helps us. He gives us the desire and the ability to do the things He has called us to do (Philippians 2:13). He is not a stern commander, but a gentle Shepherd. It’s not like He doesn’t care that we hurt and struggle with some aspects of His call. He is there with us, upholding us, strengthening us, and giving us more of Himself. I believe the last few years of hardship and heartache has prepared me for this very moment. They have provided me with ballast for my sailboat to keep me afloat during life’s storms (to use imagery John Piper used at the conference) – ballasts made of a deep belief in God’s sovereignty and the desire to see the name of Christ made great among the nations.  These weights are what keep me clinging to Jesus when life gets hard and they will be the things that keep me serving Him when I am in a foreign land. He is a sure and steady foundation and He will never disappoint.

2013: Trust Him for His Grace

My very dear child, What shall I say! A holy and good God has covered us with a dark cloud. O that we may kiss the rod, and lay our hands upon our mouths! The Lord has done it. He has made me adore his goodness, that we had [your father] so long. But my God lives; and he has my heart. O what a legacy my husband, and your father, has left us! We are all given to God; and there I am, and love to be. Your affectionate mother, Sarah Edwards. [From a letter Sarah wrote to her daughter Esther when she found out that her husband had died from smallpox. Quoted by John Piper in his sermon “Job: Wrestling with Suffering.”]

The last days of 2012 went by in a daze, full of tears and sorrow. Now 2013 is here. I almost cannot believe another year has past. Where has it gone? The Lord’s hand has indeed been heavy during last year’s final months, but He did not leave Himself without witness. In fact, He had been preparing my sister and me for the trials we now face in numerous ways, especially as He taught us about His sovereignty and goodness in suffering. It would be easy to look back of the last year or so and recount the many difficulties and trials the Lord allowed into our lives and I had thought about doing that, but I read a post about the taken-for-granted goodness of God that made me rethink this post. “Where was God in the goodness of 2012?” is what this article asks; I can ask myself the same question.

• Where was God when I drove 20,000+ miles without an accident or even a speeding ticket?
• Where was God when I ate out almost every weekend and never got food poisoning?
• Where was God when I didn’t get the stomach virus my sister had or the numerous other illnesses other people I knew had?
• Where was God for all the miles I ran without twisting my ankle?
• Where was God in all the times I have walked through dark parking lots without being assaulted?
• Where was God in all the times I’ve said the right thing or bit my tongue to not say the wrong thing?
• Where was God every time I needed my next breath?

Answer: He was right there. He was reigning in sovereign power and wisdom on His throne. He was providing. He was protecting my coming in and my going out. He was directing my steps. It’s easy to lose sight of all the “smaller” ways that God shows evidences of His grace because we take them for granted. The Word is clear that Christ upholds all things by the word of His power and that every good and every perfect gift comes from Him, so there are many, many reasons to be thankful on a daily basis for God’s abundant goodness and grace. No wonder the Scripture tells us to always be thankful (1 Thessalonians 5:18).

There are so many things that I can thank God for as I reflect upon 2012, but there is one thing that stands out the most. And that is that my cousin, in whom I invested and for whom I prayed for 10 years, was saved by Christ. By God’s grace, he went from a life of addictions and rebellion to a life that seeks to please the Lord. And, also by God’s grace, I have spent the last several days of the year watching his zeal and hunger for the Lord grow. He has been a ray of light in the midst of this darkness.

So, as always, I have a choice. I can choose to waste my suffering, waste the hard things the Lord has given me, or I can choose to bow before my Maker and trust Him for His goodness and grace, even though it has been veiled by the present circumstances. Although cancer and infections and illnesses and disappointments and hurtful words are not good in and of themselves, they are designed by Jesus Christ for good, and there is hope in that. He is in control. He is good. He does as He pleases and He pleases to do me good (Jeremiah 29:11). So even though the pain is real and the burdens are heavy, there is joy: the joy that Jesus Christ is with me and He is working in such a way (a way that is often unseen to me) to make me and my family more like Christ and to exalt His name through us. And the truth is that I do not have the strength for these things nor do I even have the strength to make the right choice of focusing on and trusting in Christ through all this, but His grace is sufficient, and when I am weak He is very strong, and He works in me both to will and do the things that please Him. And as I look to the year ahead, Christ is helping me trust Him for His grace. He has good things in store. :)

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust Him for His grace;
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.
His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flower. William Cowper, “God Moves in Mysterious Ways”