Guarded Heart

I have been a position several times lately to give dating advice, which I find rather ironic considering my limited experience in that regard. But the Lord’s Word is sufficient for all areas and circumstances of life and so, I guess, in some respects I am fully equipped to speak truth to my sisters in Christ regarding dating.

One of the benefits of being a single woman in my late twenties is that I know that dating and relationships and marriages aren’t just one big fairy tale. That bubble was burst long ago. The Lord has also shown me the culture’s influence in my ideas and standards of dating so that I have gotten rid of a lot of unessential expectations and qualifications that find no basis in God’s Word, so that when a friend does ask me my thoughts on her dating a Christian brother who’s asked her out, I have three questions I generally ask:

1. Are you interested? I mean, don’t just say yes because it feels good to be pursued. Don’t let him take you out if you already know you don’t want to go on a second date.
2. Do you respect him/do you think you could follow his leadership? I realize that this question requires some kind of previous interaction with the guy, so it may not be answerable at first, but it is a question to keep in mind.
3. Is God leading you to date this person? This is the question that trumps the other questions, regardless of how the first two are answered.

One little piece of advice I am more hesitant to give, however, is one that I cannot even tell you how many times I’ve had said to me (and, yes, I have said it numerous times to other ladies as well), and, that is, “Guard your heart.” This phrase derives from Proverbs 4:23 (NIV):

Above all else, guard your heart,
for everything you do flows from it.

Now this verse is actually not in the context of relationships at all. It is, instead, calling believers to protect what kind of influences we allow into our lives because what we allow to influence us will shape us. Proverbs is all about walking in wisdom and to do that we must know and fear and obey the Lord. Nonetheless, this phrase is a common one in the dating world (I am not sure if it is with guys, but it definitely is with women).

Now I think the general meaning behind this phrase when applied to dating is “be careful, don’t let your feelings run away with you, don’t read into things, etc.” But the phrase itself is not very practical or clear advice. My sinful heart hears those words and says, “Guard your heart = disconnect yourself from all emotion so you don’t get hurt,” and so that’s what I did in the past and it's what I’m learning not to do now.

Now I have that natural sinful tendency anyway without any prompting. This is very anti-biblical (hence the adjective sinful). God tells us to love others and we can only love others by letting them into our lives, being vulnerable, and letting our guard down, so to speak. This applies to every kind of relationship. The truth is, relationships are messy and will be painful at some point. There is no way to guard against that unless you become anti-social altogether (which is also unbiblical and unnatural – God made us to be in relationship with both Him and others). In any relationship – whether with family or friends or dating – your heart and feelings are going to become involved. You will become attached. That’s just how it works. It’s deceptive to believe otherwise (and I am mainly preaching to myself here!), but, then again, sin is deceitful. That’s its nature and power, but God in His mercy exposes our sin for what it is and frees us with the truth (John 8:32) of His Word and the provision of Jesus Christ (Romans 8:2; Galatians 5:1).

The truth is we do not have the power to guard our hearts in this way and the Bible doesn’t command us to do this. Instead, the Bible commands us to guard our affections so that Christ and only Christ is central. He should be the object of all our love and devotion and thoughts and concern and desire. Him and Him alone. Not friends, not family, not dating relationships, or any other person or thing. They do not satisfy and they do not ultimately last. Jesus Christ alone satisfies us and He satisfies us forever (John 4:13-14).

    You open your hand;
        You satisfy the desire of every living thing. Psalm 145:16

For more on this topic see these articles from Revive Our Hearts and True Woman.

Lessons Learned in the Dark : Singleness

Singleness is rarely a subject I talk about, much less blog about. So this post is deeply personal, but, yet, this is my current lot in life. I am 28 and I am single. And it is good because God says it is good (Psalm 16:6; 1 Corinthians 7:38). The Lord in His sovereignty has brought me to this point in my life and has arranged my circumstances just the way He wants them.

Now there is a lot of talk about a “call” to singleness. And, I guess, there is a such thing, but I see it mainly as a day-to-day thing. I can’t confidently say that I am called to be single for the rest of my life (though that may be true), but I can confidently say that this is what the Lord has called me to right now. And with every calling there are joys and challenges and responsibilities, and singleness is no different. The greatest challenge is learning to be content where God has me and the greatest joy is knowing I can give my undivided attention to the Lord, being free to go wherever He calls with the drop of a hat. The constant temptation is to look at others around me and want what they have, like the Israelites who wanted a king like the nations around them, even though God was their King. In the same way, my Maker is my husband (Isaiah 54:5), so I am not to desire what others have. God is all I need. More than that, He is the real Bridegroom, the perfect Husband (John 3:29; Revelation 21:2). Every marriage is just a picture, just a copy, just a shadow of the Reality that is to come (Ephesians 5:22-32; Hebrews 9; Revelation 21-22).

I want you to be free from anxieties…And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord. 1 Corinthians 7:32, 34-35

I remember first studying this passage when I was in college and thinking, “If being married is going to distract me from the Lord, then I don’t want it.” So I went through college with no desire to be married, but over time my desires changed. So now I would like to get married, but I also know that is not ultimately up to me. It’s up to God. “Lord, Your will be done.”

Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him…So, brothers, in whatever condition each was called, there let him remain with God. Are you bound to a wife [or husband], Do not seek to be free. Are you free from a wife [or husband]? Do not seek a wife [or husband]. 1 Corinthians 7:17, 24, 27

First, let me just point out that a woman should not be trying to find a husband. That is the man’s job. Girls should not be pursuing guys. Anyway, back to the passage. I used to find this passage rather difficult. I mean, Paul is telling us believers to stay in the same state in which we were called: if  single, stay single; if married, stay married. Although marriage is the normal pattern for believers (and the rest of humanity), Paul elevates singleness because of the freedom it gives for service and devotion to the Lord. So when I read this, I find within me two desires. On one hand, I have the desire to be married, but, on the other hand, I want this better life that Paul is describing (1 Corinthians 7:38). Then one day, the Holy Spirit gave me further insight into this passage. I was missing the point. The point is not about being married or unmarried, but living in obedience to the Lord (and being content in that obedience). He designs for some to marry and some not to marry, but each are to serve Him faithfully, whole-heartedly and joyfully. Paul tells us to lead the life that God has assigned to us. We are not to seek these other things. Why? Because Jesus says there is only one thing we should be seeking:

But seek you first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Matthew 6:33

Now I am not saying that God will give you whatever you want if you are seeking the Kingdom. Because if you are obeying this verse, then you are not concerned about what you want. You want what God wants. God gives you the desire to want what He wants (Philippians 2:13).

So this I know: my current calling is singleness. Forever? I don’t know; I hope not, but it’s highly possible. Because the other thing I know is that the Lord has called me to serve Him abroad. And as I progress further along in the application process to serve overseas, I am coming face-to-face with singleness in whole different way (because it is not something I am constantly aware of or dwell on). I could stay here in hopes for a husband and if that were my aim, I probably would, but it’s not my aim. My one aim in life is not marriage (or any other thing for that matter), maybe if it were I would already be married, but it’s not. My aim is to please and follow Christ.

So whether we are at home or away, we make it our aim to please Him. 2 Corinthians 5:9

My aim is Christ. I want more and more of Him. All of Him. What does that look like? For me personally, it means a total surrender of my desires and plans to His. All of me for all of Christ (pretty much the best exchange ever!). It means following Him wherever that may lead and being satisfied completely in Him. It means pouring myself in faithful service to Him in whatever ministry He calls me to. And He is taking me to only He knows where. :)