Slow to Anger

So much has happened since I last posted. The holidays came and went. Daniel graduated with his PhD. A new year begun. Justus turned one (!). It's been a whirlwind in many ways and between my daily duties and trying to squeeze in a nap, writing has fallen by the wayside.

But there's something deeper than busyness that's kept me at bay. I haven't had motivation to write. I haven't been inspired. Which says more about my heart than anything else. I have been numb spiritually for quite awhile now and when that happens, thoughts and words feel stifled.

I can pinpoint where the apathy began to take root. It was almost a year ago. Justus was in the hospital with an infection, and I was beside him, watching him suffer. I felt abandoned by God. I felt that God didn't hear my prayers, let alone care about me. I felt that things were unnecessarily hard. I felt alone.

I should listen less to my feelings.

The seeds of bitterness took root during those lonely, difficult days in the hospital, and they continued to grow throughout 2017. I began to tally every disappointment, every hardship, and every loss and add them to the pain. It's hard to want to draw near to God when you keep a record against Him.

But God did not leave me in this state. Even now, I can see how He pursued me in different ways during that time. He didn't answer my "why" questions, but He did beckon me to come to Him. He showed me in His Word how He is near to the broken hearted (Psalm 34:18) and walks with us through the Valley of the Shadow of Death (Psalm 23:4). He reminded me over and over not to depend on my own understanding (Proverbs 3:6) and not to look at the seen things (2 Corinthians 4:16-18), but to trust in Him because He is good and does good - always (Psalm 119:68).

Still I wavered.

During the last few weeks, while studying James 1:19-21 and then listening to a sermon on it at Safe Haven Church, I saw a familiar verse in a new light. Verse 19 says, "Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger." I had always thought about this verse in regards to relating to other people. But when I read it this time, I was struck by the fact that this verse is in relating to God. The Apostle James is writing to a group of suffering Christians. He had earlier in his letter told them to count suffering all joy (v. 3), that those who remain steadfast in suffering are blessed (v. 12), that every good gift comes from our Heavenly Father (v. 17) - even the ones that come in difficult packages, -and that God saved us according to His own will (v. 18). Now James tells them to be quick to listen to God's Word in suffering, to be slow to speak (rashly) to and against God in suffering, and to be slow to anger against God in suffering.

Fail. Fail. Fail.

I had been slow to listen to God's Word, even when I knew what I was reading or hearing was addressing my heart attitude towards the Lord. I had been quick to speak against God in my heart, doubting His goodness and promises, as well as His disposition towards me. And I had been quick to be angry and resentful at God for all the hard things He was allowing in my life. I was full of pride, thinking that God was getting it wrong and not trusting that His ways are higher and better than mine because He can see the whole picture and because He has my ultimate good in mind.

James goes on in verse 20 to say that the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. He is not talking about righteousness by justification, as in trying to make oneself right with God. Jesus alone accomplished that. He makes us right with God. He is our righteousness. Rather, James is talking about a righteousness that leads to living according to God's standards. Man's anger doesn't do that. My anger doesn't do that. What does? A life lived by faith in Christ.

After hearing the sermon on this passage, my heart was pricked and exposed. I could see how I had put God on trial, demanding Him to answer my questions and answer to His ordering of my ways. I was foolish and prideful. But God in His mercy was patient to continually speak to me through His Word until, by His Spirit, I had a breakthrough. He opened my eyes to see His truth and my sin.

Verse 21 gives me the way out: "Put away [i.e. repent of] all filthiness and rampant wickedness and receive [believe] with meekness [an attitude of humility] the implanted word, which is able to save your souls." "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness" (1 John 1:9). I have repented and, with the help of the Holy Spirit, I am trying to trust God's Word over my feelings and circumstances. I am trying to choose thankfulness. There is still much healing to be done in my heart and much fighting to be done to trust in the One who alone is trustworthy, but He fights for me and with me and He will see me through.

Lessons in Motherhood: Daily Deaths

The Christian life involves a lot of dying to self in order to put the interests of Jesus Christ and of others before our own. This isn't easy or natural for any of us. It's also counter-cultural. We are told over and over to "look out for number one," meaning ourselves. But Jesus gives us a different pattern to follow, one that involves laying aside our own wants, desires, preferences, and even needs for the good of those around us.

Nowhere have I had to face this more than in this new role of being a mama. Motherhood exposes my selfishness in ways that nothing else has. My preferences, desires, and sometimes needs are constantly challenged and the question is asked, "Will I serve my son or myself?"

I am fiercely independent and I am used to doing what I want, when I want, when it comes to most things in life. But when Justus arrived all that changed. My wants, preferences, to-do lists, and practically everything else had to take a backseat to him. He is absolutely helpless and is dependent upon me for his every need. For the most part, if I put myself first, his needs will go unmet. Dying to myself in new ways is perhaps one of the hardest things for me regarding parenting. It has exposed my selfishness and desire for control and structure and a host of other sinful heart attitudes. It's much easier to serve others when it's on our terms, right? But with a new baby, I don't get to define the terms. I can't schedule serving him when it's convenient for me. I don't get a "break."

I am not saying this to complain. I love my son and enjoying taking care of him. But I won't sugarcoat it: it's been a difficult adjustment. For me, ministry and daily activities have been home bound. It's a season, I know, but it's hard to remember that at times, especially since all of my adult life has been ministry mostly outside of the home.

But God is doing a work in my heart through this. As the months wear on, I am finding more joy in caring for this precious boy and I am slowly letting go of the idea that I'm not doing "enough" because most of my "work" is unseen, unmeasurable, and unending. The Lord is giving me a vision and passion for ministry in my home and helping me to understand that motherhood is very important work. God has entrusted me (and my husband) with the responsibility of shaping a human soul. Granted, nothing of eternal value can be accomplished without God's strength, guidance, wisdom, and Spirit (John 15:5). Only He can open the spiritual eyes of Justus to see the glory and beauty of Christ - and we earnestly pray for that to happen. But God has entrusted me and Daniel with teaching Justus His word and ways. This responsibility is one of eternal significance. Making disciples of Christ (Matthew 28:18-20) is the most important things we can do with out lives and that includes making disciples inside our home. We have the privilege of having most influence in Justus's life.

So these daily deaths - trying to get a shower, Bible reading being interrupted, waiting to eat, having to delay going to the bathroom, not being able to write, read, or exercise like before - all these things are not for nothing. They are for the good of the one God has entrusted to my care, and, I trust, that the way Daniel and I sacrifice for our son will be a pointer to the One who sacrificed His Son for us all.

Lessons in Motherhood: Trust

There have been many challenges in being a new mom (like trying to find time and energy to write this post) and with those challenges many spiritual lessons. The three main ones are entrusting Justus to the Lord, dying to myself, and embracing this new calling (while at the same time counting my other ambitions as loss).

In this post I want to focus on the first one: entrusting Justus to the Lord. This is one that the Lord has been challenging me with before Justus was even born and was further heightened when he was admitted back into the hospital at two weeks old.

As recounted in an earlier post, Daniel and I lost our first baby to a miscarriage. So, although we were trying not to be ruled by fear, we were apprehensive the first few months of our second pregnancy until we were able to hear Justus's heartbeat. I found myself fighting fear off and on throughout the rest of the pregnancy: when was the last time I felt him move? What if he has a genetic abnormality? Questions like that came and went, but the Lord helped me to commit them to Him and reminded me that He was the one sustaining my baby, not me (although I was the primary means of that sustaining). Then little Justus was born, perfectly healthy. I was reminded of how fretting leads to nothing but emotional turmoil and spiritual doubt.

Two weeks later, we found ourselves back at the hospital with Justus as he had developed an infection in his umbilical cord stump (you can read about that here). Again, I was faced with the decision of whether or not I would entrust this sweet baby to the Lord. I still couldn't sustain him; only the Lord could do that (even though I was still a means of sustaining him). The Lord created Justus and knows him intimately (Psalm 139). But would I trust Him?

I am learning this is the theme of parenthood. There are always things to worry about concerning our children. Justus, for instance, just learned how to roll over onto his tummy and likes to sleep face down. As new parents, we find this terrifying. I hardly slept the first night and checked on him more than I would like to admit. I was gripped by fear (of SIDS) and had to confront that fear with the truth of God's Word if I was ever going to rest (and be sane). So I went to a familiar passage in Philippians 4:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (v. 6-7)

I prayed these words to God and tried to obey them. I thanked God for Justus and told Him that I entrusted him to His care. I recounted my fears and repented of my anxiety. And then, as a practical way of showing that I trusted Him, I did not check on Justus as much as I would have liked. When I wanted to do so, I told God that I trusted Him and knew He was taking care of Justus. And you know what? Those verses came true. God gave me peace, the strength to trust Him, and helped me to sleep (which I very much needed).

This doesn't mean I won't struggle with this anymore; I will. This is a lesson that I will continually learn and grow in, but hopefully I will find things less fearful as time moves on and find God more trustworthy. That, after all, is what it looks like to walk in faith and grow in Jesus: "progess, not perfection" (Pastor Rob, Renaissance Church).

2017: Brand New Territory

This year has been a whirlwind of changes and challenges. I usually write a New Year's post and a post reflecting on my new birth in Christ (which was Saturday). Time has been limited - and so has mental clarity - and writing has taken a setback to many other things. While I have a few moments to spare (and this is my third day working on this), I thought I would combine my three annual posts (New Year's, spiritual birthday, and Easter) into one. 

So much has happened since I last had the opportunity to write. This year literally began with change as we moved to Tuscaloosa, Alabama, on January 1 for Daniel's new job. I was seven months pregnant at the time. We have had a lot of change in a very short amount of time (new job for Daniel, new church family, new city, new routines, new house, and a new baby). My introverted and routine-oriented self is still coming to grips with it all. Almost nothing is familiar, which is why I titled this post "Brand New Territory." 

As much as I did not enjoy living in the city of Pittsburgh, it was very painful to leave our church family and dear friends at Renaissance. God used the leadership there as well as the members to grow us in what it means to live by grace, to point others to grace, and to live in deep community with other believers. I miss them so much.

One of our biggest fears in leaving Renaissance was that we wouldn't be able to find a church where living in community with out believers was so central. The Lord was so very kind to connect us to Safe Have Church - Big Sandy the first week we arrived in Tuscaloosa. It wasn't long before the Lord started giving us new friends and opportunities to serve within the church. Even though the people there hardly knew us, they took it upon themselves to take care of us when we arrived and when our son was born. It will take time to develop the depths of friendships that we crave, but we are excited for what God has in store for us in and through this local body of believers. 

During the first month, I spent most of my time cleaning our new house (yep - we're home owners now!) and making it feel like home. I wanted to do a lot of the deep cleaning before our baby boy was born. I thought I had more time than I did, but he surprised us by coming two and a half weeks early. Justus Garrison* was born on Valentine's Day, weighing in at 8 pounds, 10 ounces. 

This is not only new territory for us, but uncharted territory. 

I expect this new year to keep up the theme of new territory as we settle in here and grow in parenting Justus. Even though we don't really have to teach him much in the way of verbal lessons, we can already see our lack of wisdom and strength for this awesome task.

As almost everyone had warned us, the first few weeks were rough. Add to this the fact that Justus was admitted into the hospital when he was two weeks old with omphalitis (an infection in his umbilical cord stump). He was in the hospital for a total of 9 days. It was a very difficult and dark time. It was so hard to see him poked and prodded so much. He had to receive strong doses of IV antibiotics and his IV blew 4 times. Every time they had to do a new IV, they had to stick him multiple times before they could get it to take. It was almost unbearable to watch. I struggled with understanding how this could be for Justus's good and became angry at God as the week wore on for allowing everything to be so hard and painful. He reminded me that He knew intimately what it was like to watch His Son suffer. 

Indeed, that is why we celebrate Easter. God was not only willing for His Son to suffer to save a people for Himself, but He ordained it (Isaiah 53). I confess that this truth, as marvelous as it is, only brought me a little comfort at the time. My heart was embittered towards my heavenly Father for what He was permitting to happen to Justus. I have since repented of my hardness of heart and apathetic spirit - which is why Jesus had to die, to save hard-hearted sinners like me. The cross of Christ proves the depths of God's love for me, even though I had lost sight of that at the time.

I mentioned that Saturday was my spiritual birthday - the day when Jesus Christ gave me new spiritual life (John 3). It has now been 16 years of following the Lord. As I grow in faith and in the knowledge of Him, I realize more and more how much I need His grace. He saved me by His grace and He sustains me by His grace. I bring nothing to the table, except the sin that required His death on my behalf. The Lord reminded me today as I reflected on Him saving me that it is only by His grace that I still believe in Him. It's only by His grace that I did not walk away from the Christian faith when enduring that dark week at the hospital with Justus. We never outgrow our need for the gospel. We need it to save us from our sin and bring us to God and we need it to continue believing in God until we reach Heaven, where our faith will become sight. Reflecting on these truths helps me see Easter, as well as my spiritual birthday, in a different light. These were not just events that happened in the past, but they are events that continue to impact the here and now. 

As Christians, we have much to rejoice in as we think about the Lenten season leading up to Resurrection Sunday. Our sins have been paid for. We have been redeemed. Perfect obedience has been imputed to us. We have been made right with God. We have been adopted as His sons and daughters forever. We have been given the Holy Spirit to lead and guide us. And God Himself will see to it that we endure in faith until the end. Celebrate God's grace with me this Easter season. Without it, we would be hopeless and dead in our sins. But God, being rich in mercy, made us alive together with Christ (Ephesians 2:4-5)!

Photo credit: Gary Franklin Photography (www.garyfranklinphoto.com)

*We chose the name Justus (besides the fact that we just liked the name) because we liked its meaning ("just"). Plus, I liked how it was a biblical name (though not a common one). Garrison is a play off my dad's name, Gary, and means "fortified stronghold" and "son of Gary." 

Comforted to Comfort

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort. 2 Corinthians 2:3-7

Sometimes in loss or difficult trials, the Lord allows His people to see His purposes behind why He allowed them. When it comes to our miscarriage earlier this year, Daniel and I still don't understand why God allowed us to lose our baby, but we can see how He is using our loss for His glory and kingdom. Nothing is ever lost in God's economy. It all serves us and others in some way.

During these last two months, we have had the opportunity of walking with two dear couples who suffered miscarriages. Because we had already walked down that road ourselves and had received God's comfort and healing, we were able to minister that same comfort to these two couples. Like the verse above describes, we were comforted to comfort others. Our circumstances weren't exactly the same. Our inner experience of losing our babies weren't the same either. But we have the same Father in heaven who loves us and because of that, we were able to identify with the loss and grief that suddenly came upon our friends. We were able to cry with them and pray with/for them and encourage them of God's goodness, grace, and mercy even in the midst of such bewildering circumstances.

This doesn't mean that knowing that we can help others gives us more of a sense of purpose in our loss; it just means that we can see how God is redeeming the loss in our life by allowing us to encourage and comfort others. Our joys and sorrows are never just for us. God does indeed use them to refine us and make us more like Christ and increase our faith, but He is also preparing us to serve others and witness to His goodness, greatness, and sufficiency in what seems like hopeless situations. If we keep our pain to ourselves and do not let others share in it so that they can either serve us or that we can serve them, we waste our pain. When Jesus was on earth, He allowed others to share in His sorrow (Matthew 26:36-38) and He comforted those who were hurting (Matthew 28:10; Mark 5:36; John 14:27). That's what love does. And we are called to love.


We will probably never understand the reasons behind any of these miscarriages on this side of heaven, but, as hard as it is sometimes, our hope and faith in Jesus does not rest upon understanding every circumstance He allows or prohibits. He calls us not to understand but to trust. His wisdom is much greater than ours and His purposes are much higher (Isaiah 55:8-9). God certainly had the power to prevent the loss of these babies, but in His mysteriously perfect wisdom He didn't. But in His sovereign power, God is using these evidences of our painful, broken, and sin-wrecked world to make beautiful things happen: strengthening marriages through loss, united brothers and sisters closer in Christ, making us all more dependent on Him - are a few that come to mind. This is our hope in the midst of suffering and affliction, that the God of the universe is working in all things for the good of His people and the fame of His name (Romans 8:28) and that every ounce of pain on this side of eternity will be more than repaid, and greatly overshadowed, by the glory that awaits us (Romans 8:18; 2 Corinthians 4:16-18). I long for that day and it is that hope that sustains me when circumstances are hard and my understanding is dark. Until then and with the Lord's help, I will continue to grow in sharing my pain with others so that I can be comforted and so that I can comfort those who need comforting.

Unplanned Paces and Places

I have mentioned before that I am reading John Piper's Future Grace. I am slowly making my way through it, but it's really rocking my world in some ways. I just finished a chapter about how to fight impatience with future grace. Now when I think of impatience, I envision scenarios that involve being stuck in traffic or waiting for someone who is running late or waiting for spring to come (okay, that's legit - I am so antsy for spring!). While those may be included, Piper moves beyond the more superficial instances of impatience to ones that are much deeper; namely, scenarios that involve shattered dreams, painful trials, painstakingly slow outcomes, and undesired locations. He refers to these as the unplanned pace and the unplanned place of life. It is in these paces and places that our patience is truly tested. And it's where I have seen my tested over and over again these last several years (revealing just how impatient I am).

Piper says that patience is the "capacity to wait and endure without murmuring and disillusionment - to wait in the unplanned place, and endure the unplanned pace." We have to trust God to "turn all of our detours and obstacles into glorious outcomes." This is hard. Piper admits that it is and talks about the strength it takes to wait patiently in the unplanned, unasked for circumstances of life - the circumstances that God Himself says He is sovereign over and working in to display His grace and goodness for us. This has been hard for me. I admit that I have often murmured while waiting in the unplanned place at the unplanned pace. In fact, Pittsburgh was not at all a part of my plan and I have often grumbled (mostly in my heart) against it.

I can say the same about myself when it comes to waiting. I like to know the when and the how. I like to be able to make long-term plans. Daniel and I find ourselves in a holding pattern as we wait for a specific job opportunity to develop. We can't make summer plans or financial plans or other long-term plans without this piece of the puzzle. And although I am not really worried about what's going to happen, it sometimes drives me crazy not knowing. I just want to know. I just want to be able to put the pieces together and say this is what the next few years look like. And the reason I want to know is rooted in the fact that I want to feel like I am in control; I don't want to be dependent on God. So at the core I am not trusting God to guide me and provide for me, which reveals a lack of faith. That's ugly, but it's the truth. And it is in the unplanned paces and places where I learn to trust God more and more.

Knowing the answers to what's next is a gift. But it's not a gift God has for us right now. Waiting (growing in patience) is His gift to us. Even though I want to know, He knows (and I know) I don't need to know. Many of what I would consider detours to going overseas have been unplanned (by me), but I can see how God has used every single place and pace to reveal more of Christ to me as well as my constant need for Him. His ways may not be mine, but they are always greater than mine.

Jesus instead bids me to trust Him. Trust Him that I am exactly where I should be. Trust Him that He will show me what's next. Trust Him that His timing is always perfect. Trust Him that the circumstances He allows in my life, no matter how painful or frustrating, are from His hand. Trust Him that He will fulfill His promise that in every situation He will work every single thing (good or bad, painful or joyful) for my good (Romans 8:28).

So the secret to being patient, as you would expect from the title of the book, is trusting in God's future grace: believing in God's promise to be for you and not against you (Romans 8:31), so much so that He delights in doing you good both now and in the future (Jeremiah 32:41) and works in and through all circumstances in such a way so that they bless you (Genesis 50:20; Romans 8:28). These are the promises I am trying to cling to in the unplanned pace and place of life. Wherever you find yourself today, I hope you will do the same. His promises are for all who believe in Jesus and they are guaranteed to you because of what Jesus accomplished for us on the cross (2 Corinthians 1:20).

God is ruling the world. He is ruling history. And it is all for the good of His people and the glory of His name...So the lesson of the whole Bible stands: when delays and detours and frustrations and opposition ruin our plans and bode ill for us, faith in future grace lays hold of the sovereign purpose of God to bring something magnificent to pass. That is the key to patience. (Future Grace, p. 175, 173)

Another Loss

“I shall go to him, but he will not return to me.” 2 Samuel 12:23

This is a deeply personal post. I am sharing because, even though I wouldn’t choose these circumstances, this is how the Lord has chosen to work in my life. I try to be honest that living the Christian life, that following Jesus, is not about a life of ease and comfort. Suffering and affliction come to believers and unbelievers alike, in many shapes and forms, and yet with different purposes. In the life of the one who believes in Jesus Christ, suffering and affliction is a tool that God uses to draw His people closer to Himself (Hos. 6:1-3; Heb. 4:15-16), to increase their trust in Him (2 Cor. 1:9), to teach them (Psalm 119:67, 71), to discipline them (Heb. 12:7-11), to allow them to share in Christ’s sufferings (Phil. 3:8-11; 2 Tim. 1:8), and to allow them to identify with and comfort others (2 Cor. 1:2-7) – to name a few. It is not for punishment. Christ took every ounce of punishment for those who place their trust in Him. And it is not arbitrary or meaningless (2 Cor. 4:16-18). The life and death of Jesus gives meaning to even the most minute and mundane things. God always seems to be a million things at once in our lives, so whatever circumstances we may find ourselves in, they are not pointless.

These are the things that God is reminding me as my husband and I face a painful loss. Death visited us again in January. This time in a way that is harder to understand and express. About a month ago, Daniel and I found out we were pregnant. We were excited (and scared), but so thankful for such a quick answer to prayer. And, suddenly, before we could even begin to wrap our minds around this little gift of life, it was over. At 8 weeks (a week ago today), I miscarried. The talk of painting one of the bedrooms for a nursery, guessing if it would be a boy or girl, and already beginning to care for this tiny addition to our family was all over in an instant.

But God is faithful and He is near. He is not a God who is far away and is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses and sufferings. The Bible says He is close to the broken-hearted (Psalm 34:18). In fact, He entered into and identified with our sufferings by sending His Son, Jesus. Jesus was called a Man of Sorrows (Isaiah 53:3). He was tempted in every way were are, yet He did not sin (Hebrews 4:15). He knows intimately what we are going through and He has been very near to us, pursuing us through His Word and through His people and surrounding us with His presence.

In fact, God began pursuing my heart and preparing me for this loss in the days leading up to the miscarriage (and the days following). Through songs and Bible reading and the radio and the devotional I am reading, He has been calling me to do one thing: Praise (the one thing that doesn’t come naturally in times like these. No matter what would happen with the baby (because by the time last weekend came, we knew there was something wrong), God was asking me to trust Him and to commit to praise Him. He was asking me to adopt the words of Job as my own. Job lost all his possession, his ten children, his heath, and his status in the blink of an eye. And yet this is how he responded:

Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head and fell on the ground and worshiped. And he said, “Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” Job 1:20-21

God asked me to do the same. As I was listening to the Shane and Shane song below, God was essentially ask me, “Will you praise me no matter what? Are you willing to worship me even when I take away?” My heart, although trembling, cried out a firm Yes. I choose to trust You, Lord. I choose to remember that Your ways are higher and thoughts are greater, and that You will not withhold from me anything that is good for me.”

I am currently studying through the Psalms, and even there God was beckoning me to praise Him:

“Praise the Lord! Praise the name of the Lord, give praise, O servants of the Lord…Praise the Lord, for the Lord is good; sing to His name, for it is pleasant.” Psalm 135:1, 3
“Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good, His steadfast love endures forever.” Psalm 136:1

So, with God’s help and strength, that is what Daniel and I have been trying to do. We don’t pretend to understand why we had a miscarriage. We don’t pretend that this isn’t hard or painful, because it is very much so. We don’t pretend we haven’t been tempted to self-pity or bitterness or envy because we have (or, at least, I have). But we do choose to take God at His Word and trust that He is working in such dark circumstances and that He is in control of life and death and that He will work in and through this for our good. And I have no doubt that God will use this loss to make the love and message of Jesus shine brightly in our lives. I have already seen signs of Him doing so. 

2016: A World of Possibilities

A new year is upon us. Usually, I enter a new year with the bright hope of new possibilities and opportunities and lofty goals. But not this year. Instead of feeling anticipation, I feel apathetic and maybe even dread. I am not sure why exactly – though usually it’s rooted in a lack of trust in the Lord. Even though Daniel and I were celebrating two years since our first date, I couldn’t help but think about how the year before that my family and I were at a hospital in Missouri receiving news that my dad’s cancer was terminal. My family is at a hospital in Missouri again this New Year’s. This time with the news that my grandma had a heart attack and is not expected to live much longer. I think these painful things have clouded my view and expectation of the good possibilities that lie ahead. Although 2016 will have it’s share of trials and pain to be sure, it will also be filled with many of God’s sweet graces.

Another factor in my lack of excitement, I think, is this new stage of life I am in. I used to be working towards something career-wise and spent a lot of time in ministry. Life looks different now. I am not working towards a career or long-term ministry goal, and I am not as busy with ministry commitments as I used to be. Some of this is because I have a husband to serve and spend time with (which, of course, I want to do), and some of this is due to the fact I am still figuring out what it looks like to serve Jesus here in Pittsburgh.

For my New Year’s post last year, I talked about having an open mind and heart to what direction the Lord wanted to take Daniel and me. Little did I know how much I would struggle in surrendering my will to the Lord last year. It took most of the year for me to lay down my desires for the future at the feet of Jesus and entrust them to His care. Whether it was thinking about motherhood or how I wanted to serve in ministry or where I wanted to live and serve with Daniel – all had to be surrendered, knowing that God’s purposes and plans are always better than mine, even if I can’t recognize or comprehend that truth in the moment. But Jesus gives us the grace we need to do the things He wants (Philippians 2:12-13). He wants us to give ourselves completely to Him. He wants us to trust Him with all that we are. So, with His strength, I told Him I would do whatever He wanted me to do and go wherever He wanted me to go. In short, I told Him that I trusted Him with the future (not that I don’t waver and have to re-surrender these things all over again).

And, really the possibilities are numerous. Daniel finishes coursework in May, takes comps in the summer, and, Lord willing, after that we really could go anywhere...in the world. Or we may wind up staying in Pittsburgh for another year or so. If I would fight to trust the Lord (the good fight of faith) and keep my hands open to whatever He gives, much joy is to be had. Because, as Daniel reminded me yesterday, what makes or breaks our year is not the circumstances we find ourselves in, but whether or not we have joy in Jesus Christ. He is joy and life and hope and peace, and that is what He offers in abundance to me and the rest of His followers. He just wants me to give myself to Him.

Furthermore, I am learning that love and sacrifice is what marriage and the Christian life are all about. As Elisabeth Elliot says, marriage is about “my life for yours.” I obviously didn’t know what doors would open and close when I married Daniel, but I did commit to follow him wherever the Lord led him and to support him in whatever vocation and ministry God granted him. Surrendering my vision for the future is part of dying to myself so that I can better love and support and serve Daniel. Jesus gave Himself over to death for the welfare of His people, and He calls His people to do that for Him and others. Life is to be both Christ-centered and others-centered. And we can only live out this calling as believers in Jesus who are dependent on His Holy Spirit. Let these words shape your heart this new year. I pray they do mine.

Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Philippians 2:3-8

Confessions of an Absent Blogger

Wow. It’s been a long time since I’ve blogged. I used to always have an idea for a post swimming around in my head, which would prompt me to write, but that has not been the case since I have got married over a year ago. I am not sure why. I would say it’s because I share my ideas, struggles, and feelings with my husband instead, but, even though that is true to an extent, it is not as true as it should be. Those who know me well know that I tend to keep things inside and have trouble expressing what I think and feel.

I haven’t been journaling as much either, and it’s not because I don’t have the time. I have more time now than I did before I got married now that I work part-time and don’t have as many extracurricular commitments.

So the lack of journaling and blogging probably has more to say about my spiritual and emotional state than anything. Pittsburgh has been hard for me in many ways. I have struggled to find my place in the city (besides being a wife and keeper of the home). I used to always have a goal I was working toward (school, getting overseas) and my time was filled with various commitments (ministry, church). So, what I have come to learn is that I had misplaced my identity in those things. Instead of taking my cue from Christ, I was finding my purpose and fulfillment in being busy helping, serving, working towards something – in doing – and had lost sight of the fact that God is not pleased with me because of what I do, but because of what Jesus Christ has already done for me through His life, death, and resurrection.

But Jesus has saw fit to sit me on the sidelines, so to speak. I am learning, though not always joyfully and willingly, to be content with where God has me. The city I live in and the job I have are not my preference, but they are God’s will for me – indeed, they are His gift to me. I have been blessed in many ways in this new season of life, yet I often fell to realize and count those blessings. I think God is trying to teach me both contentment and gratitude, and I have been struggling to embrace the lessons. But, as Elisabeth Elliot always says, “in acceptance lieth peace,” and that anything I offer up to God “can and will become my gateway to joy.” These things are true and I want them to be true of me.

After a year, I feel like I am finally beginning to settle into this city – to accept where God has me and even embrace it. I am learning to laugh at the things that drive me crazy about living here and to lean into God and His daily gifts. Obviously, my husband is a major blessing and my primary calling in being here is to support, love, and submit to him. But another major blessing is our church: Renaissance. We have been so blessed by our brothers and sisters that we worship and serve alongside of. And, because I don’t have to work a full-time job, I have been able to spend time getting to know a handful of women in our church. This has been such a joy. I think one way I can serve God and the church is by getting to know and to encourage and to be encouraged by these women.

It’s the season of Thanksgiving in our country, and I need to pay attention and start counting the many gifts God has given me. There may be things I don’t like about where God has me, but there are far more things for which I should be thankful.

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. – 1 Thess. 5:16-18

God’s Best???

"The bud may have a bitter taste, but sweet will be the flower" - William Cowper

Over the summer, Daniel and I read a book on marriage by Timothy Keller called The Meaning of Marriage. We both desire a marriage that reflects the great love Jesus Christ has for His people. One of my biggest takeaways from that book is the fact that Jesus is the example for both the role of the husband and the role of the wife. He demonstrates what servant leadership and loving sacrifice looks like (in relation to us) for the husband. And He shows us what humble and joyful submission looks like (in relation to the Father) for the wife. I absolutely love that, and think it is so empowering and encouraging as a new wife to see that the way Jesus relates to the Father is the pattern for how I am to relate to Daniel.

Anyway, that really doesn’t have anything to do with the subject of this post. That was just a little freebie.

One of the chapters in the book was on singleness. Keller quoted a woman, who was single but desired to be married, who said she learned that singleness was God’s current best for her. If it wasn’t, she’d be married. I agreed with her. That was my thinking while I was single (which was until I was 30 – almost 31): If God promises to withhold no good thing from those who follow Jesus (Psalm 84:11), then He was not withholding marriage from me. Therefore, singleness was God’s best for me until He deemed otherwise and sent me a husband. I still believe that to be true.

But Daniel challenged me on that statement (“This is God’s best for me”) by asking me about a situation we know about where a husband cheated on his wife before they got married and throughout their first year of marriage until he was exposed. They are now separated. So Daniel posed the question, “Is that God’s best for this young woman?” It’s a fair question. God obviously allowed the marriage to take place and knew about the affair the whole time. So was that His best for this woman who is a believer – one of His daughters?

That question haunted me all week. When talking with a friend and my sister who were struggling in different ways, I thought, "Is this God's best?" When reading the book of Judges in the Bible, I read about a man who believed in God but foolishly vowed  to sacrifice whatever first came out of his house if God would give him victory in war (see Judges 11). God gave him the victory and when he returned, his beloved daughter ran out of the house to greet him. The man decided to keep his vow (a sin I believe) by sacrificing his daughter to God (the Bible says God would never require one to sacrifice their children to him – Deut. 18:10 and 2 Kings 17:17 for example). Was this God’s best for her? And what about my dad? A lot of what I believed about what has happened to be the past several years hung on the answer to this question. I didn’t want to live in a lie.

Thankfully, God met me in this question. He helped me to lean into Him instead of letting doubts drive me from Him (like in times past). He brought these truths to my mind from the Bible:

• When Joseph – a man who believed in God and had great character – was sold into slavery by his jealous brothers, and then was lied about and thrown into prison for a crime he didn’t commit, and then forgotten about by someone who promised to get him out of prison (none of these look like God’s best right?), he trusted God. After many years and a turn in events (all brought about by the hands of a sovereign God), he was released from prison and became one of the most powerful men in Egypt. Instead of seeking vengeance on all who had done him wrong, he realized God’s good purposes for him and for the nation of Israel. Joseph said that they all meant it for evil but God meant it for good (Genesis 50:20). God intended all that for good. It was best for Joseph (but not immediately) and for the nation of Israel, His people. And it was all for the glory of God.
• The Apostle Paul tells us that God works all things (including evil and unpleasant circumstances) to fit into a pattern for good for those who love Him and belong to Him (Romans 8:28).
• Psalm 119:68 reminds us that God is good and does good. Sometimes it might not look good to us at first, but He beckons us to trust Him and to remember His great promises (like the one in the previous point).

These are just a few of the verses that God brought to mind. But He also spoke to me from a couple of sermons. One being from John Piper called “This Illness is for the Glory of God.” In it, he describes what love is:

“So what is love? What does it mean to be loved by Jesus? Love means giving us what we need most. And what we need most is not healing, but a full and endless experience of the glory of God. Love means giving us what will bring us the fullest and longest joy. And what is that? What will give you full and eternal joy? The answer of this text is clear: a revelation to your soul of the glory of God—seeing and admiring and marveling at and savoring the glory God in Jesus Christ. When someone is willing to die—or let your brother die—to give you (and your brother) that, he loves you.
Love is doing whatever you have to do to help people see and treasure the glory of God as their supreme joy—to help people see and be satisfied with the glory of God…
These are the two great purposes of all things: God’s demonstration of his glory in Christ, and human beings treasuring that glory above all things…God is doing more than you know.

So what is God’s best? The problem with that question is that it’s not the right question. God’s best is found in Revelation 21-22 when Jesus comes back to judge the earth, to rid it of evil, and to completely renew the earth and His people. There will be no more tears or pain or suffering or death. We will have perfect fellowship with Him forever. That is God’s best. In the meantime, we see glimpses of God’s renewal but we also live in a world full of suffering and pain and death. The circumstances we are in themselves may not be God’s best. But God is still working for the good of His people and the fame of His name. He has good purposes in the horrible things we experience and suffer, and He allows them for a reason. The goal of these things is God’s best. And God’s best for us is Himself, and He will do and allow whatever means necessary – no matter how horrific or painful – to draw us to Him and make us more like Jesus Christ. That is what true love does: it does whatever is necessary to magnify Christ. And it does whatever will be ultimately best for the beloved. Like Piper said, “God is doing more than you know.”Let's lean into that and remind each other of that continually.

Surrender

“God always gives his best to those who leave the choice with Him.”
― Jim Elliot

Back in February, the Lord began dealing with me on the topic of surrender. He brought to my attention several areas of my life that I was trying to control or wanting to control instead of entrusting them to Him. These areas were causing me much anxiety. I was worried about my mom and my sister and that my future wouldn’t turn out the way that I wanted. So the Lord began bringing this lack of trust, these anxious thoughts, and the things I needed to surrender to my attention. And I didn’t like it. Surrendering is not easy. It does not come naturally. And it took months of reading the Bible and listening to messages and reading other Christian books and talking to other believers to move my stubborn heart in the direction of even wanting to release my cares and dreams to God.

I began reading a trilogy by Nancy Leigh DeMoss that covered three topics: brokenness, surrender, and holiness. I resonated with the first part (Brokenness) as I could see the work of the Lord over the past several years to break me of my self-sufficient and prideful spirit. Yes, I could relate to what DeMoss was saying, the stories she recounted, and the Scripture promises she wove throughout that section. In fact, it was really encouraging to think about all the good purposes God had in mind in the pruning work He had been doing.

But then the next section came: Surrender. Suddenly, I wasn’t so encouraged; I was challenged. Surrender follows brokenness. God was indeed chipping away the areas of my life that were not pleasing to Him, like the grand Master Sculptor and Architect He is, but I had a part to play as well. There were some things I needed to let go of and entrust to His sovereign care and plan. I needed to surrender my will regarding the location and type of my/our future ministry. I needed to surrender how I wanted to be used by God. I needed to surrender to God’s will for our future family (i.e. what it will look like, motherhood, etc.). The brokenness God had been doing in my life was bringing me to a place of total surrender to God’s will – no matter what that might mean.

And it was hard. Hard to let go of my dreams. Hard to let go of my ambition. How to let go to my self-determination. Hard to let go of my fears. Hard to let go of what I wanted out of life. I desire so much for my life to count for Christ and His Kingdom, but I wanted it to count in the manner I wanted it to. And that was the problem. That was what I needed to surrender. And Jesus, who was completely surrendered to do God’s will, is my example:

And going a little farther, [Jesus] fell on the ground and prayed that, if it were possible, the hour might pass from him. And he said, “Abba, Father, all things are possible for you. Remove this cup [of God’s wrath for the sins of the world] from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will.” Mark 14:35-36

That is the heart of surrender: a heart that is completely and utterly yielded to God and His will. I have been asking God to cultivate in me such a heart. And, slowly (and very imperfectly), I have been relinquishing these things, entrusting them to my Perfect and Good Heavenly Father.

And what I’m learning, together with the last post, is that surrender and sacrifice go together. These are the questions I face in the prospect of surrendering my will and my plans…in surrendering my very self. Will I sacrifice my body, my time, my dreams, my expectations, etc. to what God has in store for me? Will I allow Him to have His way with me? Isn’t that the calling of marriage and motherhood and the totality of the Christian life – laying myself down for the sake of God and others? Even if that means staying in the States (!), even if that means my ministry will look different than I envisioned, even if that means serving God in a more well-developed, Western nation, even if that means laying down ministry ambitions for the more quieter ministry of motherhood (and I’m not pregnant, so stand down :). Yes; even if it means all of these things. God knows what is best. He created me and He knows what my life is for and how to use it to maximize His glory and my joy. So, with His help, I am choosing to bow to His will – whatever that may be and whatever it may entail. That is what Jesus did. He joyfully sacrificed His life and joyfully submitted to the will of the Father to the point of death, even death on a cross (Philippians 2:5-11). He did this for the good of the world (John 3:16) and the joy of His people and for His own eternal joy (Hebrews 12:1-3).

Lord, have Your way with me.

 

Sacrifice

“We are the sheep of His pasture. ‘Enter into His gates with thanksgiving, and into His courts with praise’ [Psalm 100:4]. And what is their purpose inside those courts? To bleat melodies and enjoy the company of the flock? No. Those sheep were destined for the altar. Their pasture feeding had been for one purpose, to test them and fatten them for bloody sacrifice. Give Him thanks then, that you have been counted worthy of His altars. Enter into the work with praise.” – Jim Elliot quoted in Shadow of the Almighty

Back in the month of May [Yes; it has taken me this long to get around to writing this], while reading through my Bible reading plan and while traveling to Missouri for Mother’s Day, God continually brought one word to my attention: sacrifice.

Over the course of May 6th through 8th, I read the following verses:

• Offer to God a sacrifice of thanksgiving, and perform your vows to the Most High…The one who offers thanksgiving as his sacrifice glorifies me; to one who orders his way rightly I will show the salvation of God! Psalm 50:14, 23
• The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise…then will you delight in right sacrifices,in burnt offerings and whole burnt offerings; then bulls will be offered on your altar. Psalm 51:17, 19
• I appeal to you therefore, brothers,by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Romans 12:1
• Do not neglect to do good and to share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God…Now may the God of peace who brought again from the dead our Lord Jesus, the great shepherd of the sheep, by the blood of the eternal covenant, equip you with everything good that you may do his will, working in us that which is pleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory forever and ever. Amen. Hebrews 13:16, 20-21

And also the next week on May 14th, I read:

• As you come to him, a living stone rejected by men but in the sight of God chosen and precious, you yourselves like living stones are being built up as a spiritual house, to be a holy priesthood, to offer spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ. 1 Peter 2:4-5

When I see a common theme or word repeatedly in a short amount of time, I think it’s important to lean in and listen to what God is trying to say. He’s obviously trying to get my attention.  He is the most diligent and purposeful Teacher.

I read these verses during a time when I was discouraged and downcast. Life at the time seemed hard. I was not content. I complained inwardly about my job (was I doing any good there?) and about Pittsburgh (all the reasons why I don’t like it) and about Daniel being gone and barely getting to communicate with him. I was still going to church and small group and reading my Bible and praying and even serving in ministry, but my heart was a wreck.

So what was God saying to me? I think it was: “I delight in inward sacrifice. These are the sacrifices that please Me.” I was sacrificing my time and energy for these spiritual disciplines (which we should do!) without checking my heart in the process. God says to King Saul when he disobeyed him:

“Has the Lord as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices, as in obeying the voice of the Lord? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice,and to listen than the fat of rams.” 1 Samuel 15:22

Don’t get me wrong, we should sacrifice time and energy (and probably more than we normally do) in reading our Bibles and praying and serving and fellowshipping with other believers, but God sees behind our actions and cares more about our hearts. More than any external sacrifices we can make, God says these are the sacrifices that please Him: the sacrifice of thanksgiving, the sacrifice of a broken heart and contrite (repentant) spirit, the sacrifice of every ounce of our lives (living sacrifice), which includes our relationships and plans and jobs and finances and hobbies and every single aspect of who we are. Doing good and sharing what we have with others are also sacrifices that bring delight to God. These are spiritual sacrifices that are acceptable in God’s sight. They please Him. Imagine! We can bring delight to the most Powerful and Beautiful and Holy Being in the universe by being thankful and humbling ourselves before Him!

God is good to us. We have no reason to grumble and complain. We have no reason ultimately to despair. When we do, we dishonor Him. But when we look past our circumstances and feelings, we see that this life is only “light” and “momentary” (2 Corinthians 4:16-18). God has given us every spiritual blessing in Jesus Christ (Ephesians 1:3). He saved us from darkness and death and eternal separation from Him. He displayed His great love for us by going to great and costly lengths to restore us to Himself. When we have Jesus Christ, we have everything. Therefore, there is no reason to complain. There is no reason to not be content. By God’s grace and power, we can learn to be thankful (James 1:3) and learn to be content (Philippians 4:13) no matter what.

And because Jesus greatly sacrificed Himself for us, holding nothing back, we can sacrifice ourselves completely – inwardly and outwardly; mind, body, and soul; thoughts, attitudes, emotions, and actions – for Him. Why wouldn’t we want to? For the love of Christ transforms and compels us to live for God and others just the way He did. In sacrificing what we think we deserve or our preoccupation with our circumstances, we aren’t actually sacrificing anything at all. It is in giving up all the things that we tend to cling to that we will gain more than we could ever imagine. Our Savior gave up everything for us. He expects no less in return. "Give Him thanks then, that you have been counted worthy of His altars. Enter into the work with praise."

Letting Go and Leaning In

I’m continuing to learn to relinquish my plans and dreams of the future to the Lord. It’s not that they are bad or wrong in and of themselves, because they’re not, but I’ve been more sold out to them than I have been to doing the Father’s will. It’s good and right to have plans and dreams for the future, but they must be held loosely in one’s hands, ready to be forsaken if not in tune with God’s ever-wise and all-good plans. This relinquishing may be short-lived and God may eventually fulfill your plans and desires as He sees fit; or it may be long-term, and He may in fact teach your heart to adopt His plans and teach you to set your hope on more eternal things. He alone knows what is best for us. He alone knows what it takes to make each of us more like Christ. For, according to the King David, every day of ours was written before there was yet one of them (Psalm 139:16). He will fulfill His purposes for us (Psalm 57:2) and He will work in our lives and hearts in such a way so that we will desire to fulfill those purposes as well (Philippians 2:13).

I think I am growing in this area, but there is much more to learn. This past week, I was listening to a John Piper sermon called “The Hope of Exiles on the Earth,” from Hebrews 11:13-22. In it, Piper was talking about how our forefathers, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, did not receive the inheritance they were promised. Instead, they sought and desired an inheritance that was not of this world and so lived as strangers and exiles while they were here on earth. We Christians find ourselves in the same situation. Our citizenship is in heaven and from it we await a Savior, Christ Jesus our Lord (Philippians 3:20). Our treasure is not here. We may have houses and cars and material things and family and friends and food (and we enjoy them), but our treasure is Christ and all the riches we have in Him (forgiveness, freedom, adoption into God’s family, peace, eternal life, etc.). Things that robbers and moths and rust and failing economies cannot threaten or destroy (Matthew 6:19-20).

As Piper continued on in the passage, he talked about how Abraham had received the son God promised him (Isaac), through whom God would make him a mighty nation and through whom Abraham’s descendants would bless the whole world (Genesis 12:1-3). This is the child his wife Sarah, herself 90, bore to Abraham when he was 100 years old. This was the child that Abraham’s hopes and dreams were wrapped up in. And this is the child that God asked Abraham to sacrifice (!). As Piper pointed out, this to Abraham must have felt like the death of a dream. Not matter how he looked at this command from earthly eyes, this did not seem like it could end well. But, in faith, Abraham obeyed God’s command. He trusted that God would somehow work it out. He trusted that God would keep His promises, for He had proven Himself faithful thus far. And, as the account in Genesis unfolds, God intervenes and does not allow Abraham to slay his son. It was a test and Abraham proved his faith. He believed that God could even raise the dead (Hebrews 11:19). And God provided a ram to sacrifice in place of Isaac (Genesis 22:13). Abraham’s obedience was the pathway to joy…and to a much stronger faith.

It was this point in the sermon, at the very end, that the Holy Spirit convicted my heart. In letting go of my preconceived notions of the future, of my idea of what my future ministry and life should look like, I am facing a dying dream. But I am not trusting that God’s plans are greater; that He could either resurrect that dream or replace it with a better one. I'm not believing that obedience is the pathway to joy. Piper ended with this resounding question:

Do you desire God and His way and His promises more than anything, and do you believe that He can and will honor your faith and obedience by being unashamed to call Himself your God, and to use all His wisdom and power and love to turn the path of obedience into the path of life and joy?

Yes! I desire this! I want this! Lord, make me this way.

Slowly, ever so slowly, I am learning what it means to surrender and to lean on God’s everlasting arms (Deuteronomy 33:27). He will sustain me. He will guide me. And He will fulfill His good and perfect plans for me. All I need to do is trust Him and obey.

This God—his way is perfect;
the word of the Lord proves true;
he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him. Psalm 18:30

A Season of Thanksgiving

Monroeville Community Park, Pittsburgh, PA

I can't believe it's already late into November. It seemed like the leaves were brilliant with color on the trees one day and then all dried up on the ground the next. Now winter is intruding into autumn as flurries fill the frigid air.

Still, I think November is a great month for many reasons. First of all, it contains my favorite holiday: Thanksgiving. It is also the month I met my husband (24th). Finally, both mine (22nd) and Daniel's birthdays (13th) are this month. We have much to celebrate and much to be thankful for.

In this country, November also marks the "season of thanksgiving." And, as Jesus would have it, this has been a season in my own life of learning what it means to be thankful. Indeed, the Bible is explicit that God's people should be a thankful people (i.e. Ephesians 5:20). It is an expectation and command. And what other response should overflow from a people chosen by God, saved by His grace, and given every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places (Romans 8:28-30; Ephesians 1:3). Thanksgiving should be our natural, spontaneous response to the lavish love and grace of God displayed to us through Jesus Christ.

But like I said, I am learning this right now, which means I have not been overflowing with thankfulness. In fact, I have been doing quite the opposite: grumbling about my circumstances and allowing roots of bitterness to spring forth. I have been focusing on the negative circumstances in my life and blind to the many gifts God gives me each day. The busyness of the many changes in my life, the continuing grief, spiritual warfare, and unanswered prayers have seemed to sideline me, to knock me off track. I just finished a book called One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp, which God used to awaken me to the clench-fist grip I have on my life and to the many ways He specifically and carefully and masterfully shows His continual love and care for me each day. Since reading that book, I have starting counting some of the sweet gifts that God gives me each day and taking the time to thank Him for them, instead of just barely giving them a nod and moving on.

But the root of this is much deeper than a failure to acknowledge God’s goodness and provision. It stems from a lack of trust in God Himself. God has been beckoning me to notice the good things He showers me with each day to be sure, but, more than that, He is calling me to trust Him with abandon. This I have not been doing. Despite the many ways He has provided and cared and blessed me, I have been short-sighted and forgetful. I have doubted His intentions and heart toward me. This is sin. I have been sinfully blind to all that God is for me and has done for me in Jesus Christ, and have been resistant to entrust my family and future plans into His sovereign, good, and all-wise care (as if I could do a better job than Him). I have been struggling in my faith and I am unsure how to get back to where I once was. But this I know and believe: God always completes what He starts (Philippians 1:6) and feeling like I am at the end of myself is always a good place to be (2 Corinthians 1:8-10). Because when I am weak, He is very, very strong (2 Corinthians 12:8-10).

But I will sing of Your strength;
I will sing aloud of Your steadfast love in the morning.
For You have been to me a fortress
and a refuge in the day of my distress.
O my Strength, I will sing praises to You,
for You, O God, are my fortress,
the God who shows me steadfast love. Psalm 59:16-17

The Performer

The Lord has been slowly exposing some deep-rooted sins over the past few months. Trials seem to bring those kinds of things to the surface.

The Father first starting bringing this particular sin to light in late August as I was listening to a Meadow Heights sermon about emotional baggage. The sermon focused on three types of people: The Poser, The Performer, and The Clinger. Each type believed specific lies that fueled them to basically act how their titles described.

I immediately knew which one I was: The Performer. I resonate with the feeling that I am not good enough. Almost every day I feel that I don’t measure up, that I constantly fall short. And, in truth, we all fall short. The Bible is clear that every single person does not and cannot measure up to God’s perfect standard. We repeatedly fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). But if you don’t look to the gospel when you realize/notice/feel like you’ve fallen short, you have no hope and you, therefore, begin placing hope in other things and/or people. And hope that is built on anything other than Christ will always disappoint, will always fail.

In saying I am a performer, I do not mean that I am not genuine or that I’m not the same person at church as I am at home or work or elsewhere. I think, or at least hope, that I am. But it is to say that I sometimes hide my feelings and pretend I have it all together. You may never know that I feel that I don't measure up, but I do. I feel this incredible pressure to be the perfect wife (a pressure that I put on myself and that has by no means been projected onto me by my husband in any way), even though I know there is no such thing. I feel pressure to know the answers to whatever questions may be asked of me. I feel pressure to hold it together; to be strong; to save face – which means that I mask my pain and sorrow and grief and put on a smile and pretend everything is okay. Where this pressure, these lies, come from, I am not completely sure, but they are probably some mix of lies from the past, lies from the enemy, and my own prideful standards. But the source(s) really don't matter as much as the Remedy that eradicates them.

Historic Old Stone Church, Pittsburgh, PA

So all of this has been slowly coming to a head, and it did just that the Sunday before last. We are going through the book of Philippians at Renaissance Church, and that Sunday, the sermon was on 3:1-11. In it, Pastor Rob talked about how Jesus saves us from both our bad works and our good works. The former is what we think about – all the bad things we do, say, and think that cause us to fall short of God’s standard for us. The latter things, the good things, are what we generally rely on to assert our goodness, as if to give us some kind of bargaining chip with God, treating Him like He’s this Great Cosmic Santa who is making His list and checking it twice. But the truth is that the Bible says that our good works, our very best deeds, are filthy, disgusting, soiled rags in the presence of an all-wise, all-good, completely holy and sovereign God (Isaiah 64:6). None of it matters - the good, the bad - only knowing Jesus matters. And even though I know all this, I needed to be reminded of it, which God knew. Pastor Rob reminded us that in Christ we do measure up. In Christ, I measure up. God is not disappointed with me. He is not calculating the minutes I spend in prayer and Bible reading. He doesn’t have a balance in which He keeps my worldly thoughts/actions on one side and more Christ-centered thoughts/actions on the other. He wants me to become more like Christ, yes, but He knows me better than I know myself and He knows that He must help me grow to become like Christ. He is pleased with me because I am in Christ and He is pleased with Christ. He’s not concerned with outward actions mainly, but inward dispositions. He wants me to know Him. I want that too. I need that. Desperately.

So as I was listening to the sermon, God reminded me of Romans 8:1:

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

And that’s when I realized – for weeks I have been believing accusations from the enemy. He has been condemning me every day and I hardly realized it. I just accepted the accusations as truth. I have been believing his lies instead of dwelling on God’s promises. Like the promise of Romans 8:1. But it gets better. Romans 8 goes on to say that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared to the glory that awaits us (v. 18). A verse that I have often quoted to others, but not to myself. But it gets even better still. Who can separate us from this love of Christ? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Not illness or persecution or trials or spiritual forces or death or even my own made-up standards. Nothing in all creation can separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord (v. 31-39).

There is freedom and healing in these truths. I do not have it all together. I need Christ and I need His Church. Christ is everything I need to be.  I measure up because of Christ. He fills in all the areas I fall short. I am not condemned because of Christ. Better things await me because of Christ. God loves me with an unending, never-changing, better-than-I-can-imagine kind of love because of Christ. And these are truths that I need to be reminded of constantly because I seem to forget them constantly. Thank God for His reminders and for His people that help me remember.

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness;
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly lean on Jesus’ name.
Refrain:
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand,
All other ground is sinking sand. The Solid Rock, Edward Mote

One Thing is Necessary

It has been a very busy season of life (evidenced by my significant lack of posts). I truly believe I am doing the things that the Lord wants me to do, but I have been tired and spent and struggling to trust the goodness of Christ, struggling to "fight the good fight of faith" (1 Timothy 6:12).

When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul. Psalm 94:19

It has also been an emotionally hard season of life. There are so many things going on that it’s hard to keep my focus on the One Thing that is necessary (Luke 10:42; Psalm 27:4). And because of that, I have been a wreck on the inside. One minute I am excited and happy about all that God is doing (I mean, I am getting married :), and the next minute I’m fighting tears and feel that my heart is breaking with all the burdens and grief that this past year as brought. It’s a rollercoaster of emotions to say the least.

Father’s Day and Dad’s birthday have come and gone, and I have been missing my dad a lot. It feels like I'm losing him all over again. I have been concerned for Mom and Kristi, wondering how they will fare without me (as if their well-being depended upon me). There are so many things to tend to and relationships to invest in – and the days are dwindling in which to do so. Then there is the spiritual warfare/oppression I’ve felt – like an invisible weight on my shoulders - and all the anxieties and fears and doubts about the future. I am usually ready to pack up and leave for wherever God is leading, but I've been dragging my heels just a bit. Maybe I’ve been trusting in comfort and familiarity in the midst of this past storm more than I realized. Or maybe that’s why they say not to make major life changes within the first year of losing someone…

As usual, I am learning to navigate these emotions and share them. While God has taught me much about being vulnerable with others and sharing my burdens with my brothers and sisters in Christ (Galatians 6:2), my natural tendency is to close up and withdraw, to put on my I’ve-got-it-together face and smile, and to ignore/suppress my feelings altogether (because, honestly, I don’t trust them). So I think I’ve regressed a little in that area and I’m having to re-learn the same lessons that God taught me these past few years.
But, as usual, Jesus met me in my struggles – in my pain and doubts and fears and circumstances. He has been showing me through His Word and through His people how much I have not been trusting Him and how I need to seek Him above all other things and how I need to cast my cares on Him (1 Peter 5:7; Matthew 11:28; Phil. 4:6-8). Two main ways He did that was through a Scripture passage in the Old Testament and through ReConnect at church.

The passage was 2 Chronicles 14:-15. It is the story of Asa, who was king of Judah. He was a faithful king who feared and served God. He took away all the pagan gods and commanded the people to seek and obey the one, true, and living God. And because he and the nation of Judah sought the Lord, the Lord gave them peace on every side. This was contrasted with the time period before when the nation did not seek God and had no peace at all. Furthermore, King Asa was humbly dependent upon the Lord when they were being attacked by their enemies and the Lord rewarded him by fighting for the nation of Judah and delivering them. As the I read this, the Lord pressed upon me the need to seek Him above all that is going on. He revealed to me that I didn’t have peace because I wasn’t looking to Him and depending upon Him. Instead, I was consumed with my circumstances, trying to handle everything on my own. One Thing was necessary – I needed turn my focus to the Lord. Only then would I have peace (Isaiah 26:3-4).

Then a few days later we had ReConnect at Rolling Fields (a special service we have when there is a 5th Sunday). Pastor Andy led us in a study of Psalm 22. We read through the psalm, noting the emotions that David felt and how he was focused on his circumstances, how  he would then turn his focus to the Lord and remember His faithfulness, only to switch back to focusing on his circumstances again (looks like he was on a roller coaster like me). He ended the psalm by re-directing and setting his gaze on the Lord and choosing to praise His name even though his circumstances had not changed. He remembered that God was working in his troubles for a purpose that he could not yet see, and He remembered that he had a responsibility to share God’s goodness and truth with others. He remembered that making God known among the nations was the aim. I needed to remember that too.

So I've been continually giving my cares to the Lord and slowly sharing them with others. And the Lord has been giving me His peace that surpassing all understanding (Philippians 4:6-8). The circumstances haven't really changed, but God has re-directed my focus. He is bigger than my circumstances. He is sovereign over my circumstances. And He has already gone before me into the future to work all of these things out for my good and His glory (Romans 8:28). There is no God like Him.

Therefore, preparing your minds for action, and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. 1 Peter 1:13

Gladdened Days

but, though he cause grief, he will have compassion
according to the abundance of his steadfast love - Lamentations 3:32

The verse has been running through my mind the past few weeks. It’s no secret that the last few years have been hard. The Lord has done much to cause grief, but He did so in order to show His compassion. He has been at work refining and pruning and disciplining and teaching and revealing through the various trials and difficulties He has allowed in my life. The lessons have been invaluable, and even though I may not be thankful for the circumstances themselves, I am thankful for all that the Lord did in me and through me because of them.

But these latter months have been different. The Lord has been pleased to bring more joyous occasions into mine and my family’s lives. Namely, both my sister and me are getting married this year. This is the gift of the Lord and many people have pointed out His kindness in bringing such happy circumstances into our lives after such a tough season. I couldn’t agree more. But, yet, I still have this underlying fear that this will all end badly too; that the hard lessons aren’t over. In essence, I am not trusting God or hoping in Him or believing that He is working for my good – which is sin. God has proven Himself over and over to be both good and faithful to me, but yet I still have troubling believing Him. When my focus is on Him and not my circumstances or fears or my inabilities or shortcomings, I can live in the freedom and joy and peace of all God is for me in Jesus Christ. But when my focus is elsewhere, fear and disbelief and mistrust takes over.

But even when I’m faltering, God is still kind and ever-willing to show Himself faithful. As Jerry Bridges says, whether I believe it or not, God is still working all things for my good just as He promises in Romans 8:28. And God has been ever so gracious to give me glimpses of that.

There are some pretty hard holidays/occasions coming up for me and my family that will remind us of the pain from last year. There are also several bridal showers. As I was looking at the calendar for the summer, I realized that every single occasion coming up was surrounded by a celebratory event. God had already gone before us. 

May 3 – Azalea Weekend in Frederickown, MO (Derby Weekend in Louisville): Last year, Kristi and I went home to MO to spend Azalea weekend with Dad. We had visions of the tractor pull and car show…but it was not to be. It was rainy and chilly that weekend and my dad was super sensitive to the cold because of the chemo. It was a disappointing weekend and it was hard to see my dad so frail and miserable. But this year was not disappointing. This year I got engaged. :)

Mother’s Day – Mom said this would be a hard day for her because Dad always got her a gift and card. This year the Lord worked it out that Kristi and I could spend the weekend with her. We went wedding dress shopping. We went out to eat. We watched a movie together. I also had a bridal shower.

Father’s Day – We weren’t home last year, but we did call our Dad. I can’t do that this year. For obvious reasons, this will be a hard day. This year, on the day prior to Father’s day, Kristi & James and Daniel & I plan to go to St. Louis to do each other’s engagement photos.

Dad’s Birthday (June 23rd) – Last year, Kristi and I went home for Dad’s birthday. It was also the start of my FMLA leave from work to take care of Dad. This year, we are going home to Missouri again, but this time for Kristi’s first bridal shower.

Fourth of July – Last year, Dad was extremely sick and was throwing up for days. Both he and I went into the hospital (different ones) on July 5th. This year, Rolling Fields is throwing me a bridal shower on July 6th.

Mom & Dad’s Wedding Anniversary (July 11th) – Not only is this Mom and Dad’s wedding anniversary, it was also the day that Dad had surgery last year and the day that the surgeon told us to call hospice. This year, I am throwing my sister a shower on July 12th.

September 3 – This will mark the one-year point since my dad’s death. Although, time does heal the wound, the pain is still very much there and so is the void. There actually isn’t an event this year to offset this date like those listed above, but both mine and my sister’s weddings (August 2nd and October 4th respectively) surround it perfectly. September 3rd is smack dab in the middle of those two dates.

Do you see the kindness of the Lord in this? We did not plan these dates, but He did. These were just the dates that “happened” to work best with our schedules or with the schedules of others. This is not to say that there won’t still be pain and tears and sorrow. There will be, but the Father is kind to give us something to celebrate in the midst of the sorrow. He is helping us make good memories in the midst of the painful ones. I’m not even that big on showers, but they are a celebration of something good that God is doing in our lives, of an earthly gift that the Lord is giving us, and of the future marriage union we believers will one day have with Christ.

“Ears You Have Dug for Me”

This world is broken. I hear/read about it every day. I experience it in ministry. I see it in my own heart. The world is broken. People are broken. I am broken.

I am broken and I have been broken (Hosea 6:1). The Lord has done a lot in my life over the last three years to bring me to where I am now. Even though I would not want to relive the heartaches, pains, and disappointments of the last few years, I wouldn’t trade the lessons for anything. God knows the best way to get the attention of each of His children. Out of a heart of compassion and mercy, He sometimes allows His people to experience suffering and difficult times to refine them, increase their faith, and reveal even more of Himself to them. These have been some of the results I have seen in my own life.

It is good for me that I was afflicted,
that I might learn your statutes…
If your law had not been my delight,
I would have perished in my affliction. Psalm 119:71, 92

I noticed during my time in South Asia, as I was teaching ESL to Muslims who opposed the truth of Christ, that the Lord was deepening my faith in His Word. It was an inner strength I could feel building within me as I defended God’s Truth and based my life on His Word. This conviction only deepened during the hardships I later faced and I have seen the mercy of God use it to give me a boldness and firmness when sharing the gospel that I had never had before. I believe this firmness and boldness is a direct result of all that God has allowed me to go through recently. It is a result of being forced to depend on God for everything; of realizing that I am not self-sufficient and that I need Him for everything – truths I knew mentally but wasn’t living out in my day-to-day life. But one of God’s many graces is that He does not let us live in self-deception; believing the lie that we are okay the way we are. He brings our sins to the forefront so that we might turn from them and experience more of the “abundant life” that He offers us in Christ (John 10:10). This abundant life does not necessarily mean a life of material things or comfort and ease, but one that is living in intimate communion with the Lord of the universe—Jesus Christ. He is Life and Freedom and Joy and the source of every good thing (James 1:17). And the way to know Him intimately is through His Word, the Bible.

Your words were found, and I ate them,
and your words became to me a joy
and the delight of my heart,
for I am called by your name,
O Lord, God of hosts. Jeremiah 15:16

And so through my time in South Asia and recent trials, the words of God have become to me a joy and the delight of my heart – just as the Prophet Jeremiah said above. I love God’s Word. It is the primary way in which God speaks to me and it is the foundation of all I do and believe. It is the only absolute truth (1 Peter 1:24-25) and tells us all we need to know about God, ourselves, our world, and how we can be saved from the punishment we deserve (2 Timothy 3:16-17). The Word of God is food for my soul; indeed, it is more important than the food I eat. I can go longer without food than without Scripture. My soul begins to shrivel rather quickly if I go more than one day without feasting on God’s Word.

And he humbled you and let you hunger and fed you with manna, which you did not know, nor did your fathers know, that he might make you know that man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. Deuteronomy 8:3

But feeding on God’s Word does not happen by accident. It takes intentionality and discipline. It also take the help of the Lord (remember: we are dependent upon Him for everything). He gives us the desire and will. He – as the psalmist says – opens our ear to hear and understand His Word (Psalm 40:6; also Job 33:16). Literally in the Hebrew the phrase “open ear” means “ears you have dug for me.” I like that imagery. Sometimes God’s digs ears for us through affliction (like Psalm 119:71 above) or trials or other circumstances. We may have physical ears, but Jesus has to give us spiritual ears so that we can hear His voice, understand His words – ears trained to contain His truth and long for His truth. That is why I think the imagery of digging works so well. Our spiritual ears must be opened and dug deep to contain the greatness of God’s Word. I guess God could just open our ears in an instant…but I doubt we would treasure His Word so much without the journey it takes to make us depend upon and treasure His Word. We (or maybe it’s just me) usually don’t learn the lesson of dependence easily.

So this year I have decided to read through the Bible using a chronological reading plan. I also plan to study the book of Psalms in depth (because I need more than just four chapters a day). I encourage you to make a plan for reading the Bible this year as well if you haven’t already. It’s only January 19th, so it’s not too late to start. You won’t regret it. I promise. :)