Lessons in Motherhood and Faith: Brokenness

The past few days have been exhausting. I have been playing single mom while Daniel has been away on a work trip. Justus hasn't been sleeping well, which means I haven't been sleeping well (though I usually don't sleep very well while Daniel is away). And a lot of my plans haven't worked out quite right, which has added to the stress.

But I have enjoyed the quiet evenings to myself, which has allowed me to journal and think through some things. Hence, this post.

Today marks 17 years of walking with the Lord. That means that half of my life now I have been a Christian. (This also marks the 10th year since I first blogged about this.) That's crazy to think about. Seventeen years is a long time. I have changed so much since that time and learned so much more about God and salvation and Jesus Christ as well.

Last year, continuing into this year, was a year of breaking and refining for me. Motherhood has tested my faith and stretched me in ways I could have never imagined. God has used this new role to chip away at my self-sufficiency and independence in new ways. It really is a daily dying to self for the sake of another who is completely helpless. But isn't that the gospel? Jesus died to pay for the sins of those who could not help themselves so that they could be restored to a right relationship with God. I should rejoice that I get to identify with His sufferings in such a small way.

But I don't.

I complain. I baulk. I doubt. I get discouraged.

One of the problems I realized I have - shamefully - is that I don't have a high view of motherhood. I have this underlying feeling that I should be doing more (as in more ministry outside of the home - my view of that is too exalted). I don't think this feeling comes from God. I think it comes from me finding my worth in things I do - especially things that people can see. (It was really hard to write that last sentence).

But what the Lord has been showing me is that I should be content with what He gives me and where He has me. "The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance" (Psalm 16:6). The influence I have on my son is an awesome privilege and responsibility. He needs the gospel just as much as anyone I might meet in an outside-the-home ministry. Motherhood is a high calling and a gift. And it's hard. It's constant and demanding and there's no manual. But there is God. And He promises to equip us with everything we need to do His will.

I recently read two articles from Desiring God that spoke into my situation and encouraged my faith. You can find them here and here. I was reminded through them that God wants me to be broken and humbly dependent on Him and that knowing Christ (which comes through brokenness) is better than any gains I could perceive (like sleep, ministry, down time - did I mention sleep?). The breaking has a purpose. It's to make me a better disciple and mom and wife and friend, etc. I often think I have a better idea of what would make me "better" and it usually doesn't involve anything uncomfortable. One of the articles stated, "Though it feels like we [mothers] are being killed all the day long, [Jesus] is renewing us inside." She reminded me that "death precedes life," something that I had forgotten. I was so consumed with how much I was dying that I lost sight of the fact that in Christ a resurrection is coming. He brings death out of life, and only in knowing Him in His suffering and death will I be able to know Him in His resurrection. This is hope. This is what I needed.

Because, honestly, the last year or so, I have not been in a good place spiritually. And I've hated it. But the truths from these articles have been like fresh water to a dehydrated soul. Instead of giving into complaining and grumbling because things don't go the way I'd like, I have been fighting to trust that God is working for my good (this has been especially hard the past few days, but the Lord has been helping me). He breaks us to bind us. He humbles us to exalt us. He reveals His strength in our weakness. He refines us so that we may know Him more. Therein is true life and joy.

My faith may not be where I would like it to be, but that's not where my focus should be anyway. It should be on the One in whom my faith rests and He will hold me fast.

Lessons in Motherhood: Daily Deaths

The Christian life involves a lot of dying to self in order to put the interests of Jesus Christ and of others before our own. This isn't easy or natural for any of us. It's also counter-cultural. We are told over and over to "look out for number one," meaning ourselves. But Jesus gives us a different pattern to follow, one that involves laying aside our own wants, desires, preferences, and even needs for the good of those around us.

Nowhere have I had to face this more than in this new role of being a mama. Motherhood exposes my selfishness in ways that nothing else has. My preferences, desires, and sometimes needs are constantly challenged and the question is asked, "Will I serve my son or myself?"

I am fiercely independent and I am used to doing what I want, when I want, when it comes to most things in life. But when Justus arrived all that changed. My wants, preferences, to-do lists, and practically everything else had to take a backseat to him. He is absolutely helpless and is dependent upon me for his every need. For the most part, if I put myself first, his needs will go unmet. Dying to myself in new ways is perhaps one of the hardest things for me regarding parenting. It has exposed my selfishness and desire for control and structure and a host of other sinful heart attitudes. It's much easier to serve others when it's on our terms, right? But with a new baby, I don't get to define the terms. I can't schedule serving him when it's convenient for me. I don't get a "break."

I am not saying this to complain. I love my son and enjoying taking care of him. But I won't sugarcoat it: it's been a difficult adjustment. For me, ministry and daily activities have been home bound. It's a season, I know, but it's hard to remember that at times, especially since all of my adult life has been ministry mostly outside of the home.

But God is doing a work in my heart through this. As the months wear on, I am finding more joy in caring for this precious boy and I am slowly letting go of the idea that I'm not doing "enough" because most of my "work" is unseen, unmeasurable, and unending. The Lord is giving me a vision and passion for ministry in my home and helping me to understand that motherhood is very important work. God has entrusted me (and my husband) with the responsibility of shaping a human soul. Granted, nothing of eternal value can be accomplished without God's strength, guidance, wisdom, and Spirit (John 15:5). Only He can open the spiritual eyes of Justus to see the glory and beauty of Christ - and we earnestly pray for that to happen. But God has entrusted me and Daniel with teaching Justus His word and ways. This responsibility is one of eternal significance. Making disciples of Christ (Matthew 28:18-20) is the most important things we can do with out lives and that includes making disciples inside our home. We have the privilege of having most influence in Justus's life.

So these daily deaths - trying to get a shower, Bible reading being interrupted, waiting to eat, having to delay going to the bathroom, not being able to write, read, or exercise like before - all these things are not for nothing. They are for the good of the one God has entrusted to my care, and, I trust, that the way Daniel and I sacrifice for our son will be a pointer to the One who sacrificed His Son for us all.

Lessons in Motherhood: Trust

There have been many challenges in being a new mom (like trying to find time and energy to write this post) and with those challenges many spiritual lessons. The three main ones are entrusting Justus to the Lord, dying to myself, and embracing this new calling (while at the same time counting my other ambitions as loss).

In this post I want to focus on the first one: entrusting Justus to the Lord. This is one that the Lord has been challenging me with before Justus was even born and was further heightened when he was admitted back into the hospital at two weeks old.

As recounted in an earlier post, Daniel and I lost our first baby to a miscarriage. So, although we were trying not to be ruled by fear, we were apprehensive the first few months of our second pregnancy until we were able to hear Justus's heartbeat. I found myself fighting fear off and on throughout the rest of the pregnancy: when was the last time I felt him move? What if he has a genetic abnormality? Questions like that came and went, but the Lord helped me to commit them to Him and reminded me that He was the one sustaining my baby, not me (although I was the primary means of that sustaining). Then little Justus was born, perfectly healthy. I was reminded of how fretting leads to nothing but emotional turmoil and spiritual doubt.

Two weeks later, we found ourselves back at the hospital with Justus as he had developed an infection in his umbilical cord stump (you can read about that here). Again, I was faced with the decision of whether or not I would entrust this sweet baby to the Lord. I still couldn't sustain him; only the Lord could do that (even though I was still a means of sustaining him). The Lord created Justus and knows him intimately (Psalm 139). But would I trust Him?

I am learning this is the theme of parenthood. There are always things to worry about concerning our children. Justus, for instance, just learned how to roll over onto his tummy and likes to sleep face down. As new parents, we find this terrifying. I hardly slept the first night and checked on him more than I would like to admit. I was gripped by fear (of SIDS) and had to confront that fear with the truth of God's Word if I was ever going to rest (and be sane). So I went to a familiar passage in Philippians 4:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (v. 6-7)

I prayed these words to God and tried to obey them. I thanked God for Justus and told Him that I entrusted him to His care. I recounted my fears and repented of my anxiety. And then, as a practical way of showing that I trusted Him, I did not check on Justus as much as I would have liked. When I wanted to do so, I told God that I trusted Him and knew He was taking care of Justus. And you know what? Those verses came true. God gave me peace, the strength to trust Him, and helped me to sleep (which I very much needed).

This doesn't mean I won't struggle with this anymore; I will. This is a lesson that I will continually learn and grow in, but hopefully I will find things less fearful as time moves on and find God more trustworthy. That, after all, is what it looks like to walk in faith and grow in Jesus: "progess, not perfection" (Pastor Rob, Renaissance Church).