The Year of the Lord’s Favor

It has been a year since I graduated from Southern.  It was probably one of my top experiences because so much hard work had gone into my studies and the Lord had grown me and taught me so much about Himself through them. My life looks much different now than it did then. When I graduated, I thought I knew the direction the Lord was taking me. I was sort-of seeing a godly guy, which, at the time, the Lord was clearly leading in. I knew the region of the world that I wanted to serve in and I thought I knew what that serving would look like. The year of 2010 was like my mountaintop experience. I could see and sense the Lord clearly working in many areas of my life and it was exciting.

Then, enter 2011. Everything seemed to change. I went from the mountaintop into a dark valley. The people I hung around, the ministries I was involved in and my desires for the future all began to look different. The Lord was doing a deep work in my heart - purging, refining and humbling me so as to make me more like Christ. He began taking away many people and things from my life - my laptop was stolen, the relationship ended, ministry opportunities stagnated and friendships changed. Even my future seemed less certain. The desire for serving and living overseas never did, but the where and what did. South Asia had been my focus, but the Lord slowly began shifting my interest and desire to East Asia. Then there was His continual dealings with my sinfulness. And the very worst part of it all was that Jesus was silent. For eight long months, I could not sense Him working around me or leading me in any kind of direction except in one way: while I was in His Word, He took me to passages that explained why He had led me into the valley (Deuteronomy 8:2-10). I learned to identify with Job, cry out with the psalmists and see first-hand that I had a High Priest who could identify with my weaknesses because He had experienced them Himself but without sin (Hebrews 4:15).

This year has definitely been one of brokenness and waiting. The Lord has been breaking my independent and self-sufficient nature so as to make more and more dependent on Him. He has taught me my own weakness and insignificance apart from Him. He is also teaching me how to be vulnerable with others and how to truly grieve. I am so thankful that the Lord counts every tear (Psalm 56:8), because I have cried more this year than probably all my years put together. I am not one to cry. I grew up in a home that taught that crying was a sign of weakness. Even though I later learned better, my prideful self still acted as though it was true. I had become accustomed to being disconnected with my emotions. Sometimes this can be helpful in the moment in order to think more rationally, but eventually, I need to work through things and because I refused to deal with the pain immediately, it usually crept back up later. So, the Lord is helping me to share my burdens and tears with others. Not an easy or enjoyable lesson...but it is a humbling one.

Waiting has been another theme of this year. Patience isn't always my strong suit, but it is starting to become one as the Lord refuses to give me any clarity for the future and refuses to answer some of the questions that have risen from the events of this year. He just tells me to wait and trust. Sigh. His ways are not mine and neither are His thoughts (Isaiah 55:8-9). My next step in getting overseas is not until February of next year. Wait and trust. My work future is still up in the air. Wait and trust. I still don't understand some of the events of this year. Wait and trust. Sometimes I fear I will never get to the field. Wait and trust. Another sigh. The Lord reminded me the other week of how the Israelites were wandering in the wilderness. He was with them the whole way - leading them, providing for them and teaching them. He would lead them by day with a cloud and by night with a pillar of fire. Wherever the cloud rested, the Israelites were to set up camp. They were to stay there until the Lord took up the cloud and moved on and, then, they were to pack back up in follow. For now, the Lord has settled me in Louisville and His cloud is still resting here. He told them when it was time to go and will tell me as well. I guess this is my time to stay.

The events of this year began to take their toll physically last month. I developed a sharp pain in my shoulder/left side of neck that sent me to the chiropractor for the first time. The chiropractor said that it was due to stress and that I carry my stress in that area of my body. It was like physical evidence of the Lord's heavy hand this year (Psalm 32:4). As 2011 draws to a close, I am looking forward expectantly to 2012. I have spent the majority of this year studying the Book of Isaiah. As I read through the book, I felt like I was living what Isaiah was talking about. Near the end of the book, Isaiah speaks of the "Year of the Lord's Favor" (Isaiah 61:2). My prayer is that 2012 will be the year of the Lord's favor for me. Not that I am not in His favor because all of those who are in Christ are in God's favor (Ephesians 1:1-14) and His disciplining of me is evidence of His favor (Hebrews 12:3-11), but I pray that His favor is seen more outwardly in the coming year. Nonetheless, I want Him to complete the refining work He has began in me so that I will be "perfect and entire, lacking nothing" (James 1:2-4).

Of course, I have much to be thankful for in 2011. Even though the Lord took away ministry opportunities for a while, He brought them back in full force during the latter part of the year so that my schedule is quite full. He is deepening my friendships and my roots at Rolling Fields. Actually, RF is one of my favorite things about staying here. It will be hard to leave them when it comes time. Though I cannot say I am thankful for the events of this year, I am very thankful for their sweet fruit. I have probably experienced more growth in Christ this year than in any other. The Lord has taught me about His complete sovereignty and goodness, how He is my portion, how to feed on His Word and how to trust Him when all I see is dark. In the words of Andrew Peterson, "The aching my remain, but the breaking does not" (from his Silence of God song).