2016: A World of Possibilities

A new year is upon us. Usually, I enter a new year with the bright hope of new possibilities and opportunities and lofty goals. But not this year. Instead of feeling anticipation, I feel apathetic and maybe even dread. I am not sure why exactly – though usually it’s rooted in a lack of trust in the Lord. Even though Daniel and I were celebrating two years since our first date, I couldn’t help but think about how the year before that my family and I were at a hospital in Missouri receiving news that my dad’s cancer was terminal. My family is at a hospital in Missouri again this New Year’s. This time with the news that my grandma had a heart attack and is not expected to live much longer. I think these painful things have clouded my view and expectation of the good possibilities that lie ahead. Although 2016 will have it’s share of trials and pain to be sure, it will also be filled with many of God’s sweet graces.

Another factor in my lack of excitement, I think, is this new stage of life I am in. I used to be working towards something career-wise and spent a lot of time in ministry. Life looks different now. I am not working towards a career or long-term ministry goal, and I am not as busy with ministry commitments as I used to be. Some of this is because I have a husband to serve and spend time with (which, of course, I want to do), and some of this is due to the fact I am still figuring out what it looks like to serve Jesus here in Pittsburgh.

For my New Year’s post last year, I talked about having an open mind and heart to what direction the Lord wanted to take Daniel and me. Little did I know how much I would struggle in surrendering my will to the Lord last year. It took most of the year for me to lay down my desires for the future at the feet of Jesus and entrust them to His care. Whether it was thinking about motherhood or how I wanted to serve in ministry or where I wanted to live and serve with Daniel – all had to be surrendered, knowing that God’s purposes and plans are always better than mine, even if I can’t recognize or comprehend that truth in the moment. But Jesus gives us the grace we need to do the things He wants (Philippians 2:12-13). He wants us to give ourselves completely to Him. He wants us to trust Him with all that we are. So, with His strength, I told Him I would do whatever He wanted me to do and go wherever He wanted me to go. In short, I told Him that I trusted Him with the future (not that I don’t waver and have to re-surrender these things all over again).

And, really the possibilities are numerous. Daniel finishes coursework in May, takes comps in the summer, and, Lord willing, after that we really could go anywhere...in the world. Or we may wind up staying in Pittsburgh for another year or so. If I would fight to trust the Lord (the good fight of faith) and keep my hands open to whatever He gives, much joy is to be had. Because, as Daniel reminded me yesterday, what makes or breaks our year is not the circumstances we find ourselves in, but whether or not we have joy in Jesus Christ. He is joy and life and hope and peace, and that is what He offers in abundance to me and the rest of His followers. He just wants me to give myself to Him.

Furthermore, I am learning that love and sacrifice is what marriage and the Christian life are all about. As Elisabeth Elliot says, marriage is about “my life for yours.” I obviously didn’t know what doors would open and close when I married Daniel, but I did commit to follow him wherever the Lord led him and to support him in whatever vocation and ministry God granted him. Surrendering my vision for the future is part of dying to myself so that I can better love and support and serve Daniel. Jesus gave Himself over to death for the welfare of His people, and He calls His people to do that for Him and others. Life is to be both Christ-centered and others-centered. And we can only live out this calling as believers in Jesus who are dependent on His Holy Spirit. Let these words shape your heart this new year. I pray they do mine.

Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Philippians 2:3-8

Confessions of an Absent Blogger

Wow. It’s been a long time since I’ve blogged. I used to always have an idea for a post swimming around in my head, which would prompt me to write, but that has not been the case since I have got married over a year ago. I am not sure why. I would say it’s because I share my ideas, struggles, and feelings with my husband instead, but, even though that is true to an extent, it is not as true as it should be. Those who know me well know that I tend to keep things inside and have trouble expressing what I think and feel.

I haven’t been journaling as much either, and it’s not because I don’t have the time. I have more time now than I did before I got married now that I work part-time and don’t have as many extracurricular commitments.

So the lack of journaling and blogging probably has more to say about my spiritual and emotional state than anything. Pittsburgh has been hard for me in many ways. I have struggled to find my place in the city (besides being a wife and keeper of the home). I used to always have a goal I was working toward (school, getting overseas) and my time was filled with various commitments (ministry, church). So, what I have come to learn is that I had misplaced my identity in those things. Instead of taking my cue from Christ, I was finding my purpose and fulfillment in being busy helping, serving, working towards something – in doing – and had lost sight of the fact that God is not pleased with me because of what I do, but because of what Jesus Christ has already done for me through His life, death, and resurrection.

But Jesus has saw fit to sit me on the sidelines, so to speak. I am learning, though not always joyfully and willingly, to be content with where God has me. The city I live in and the job I have are not my preference, but they are God’s will for me – indeed, they are His gift to me. I have been blessed in many ways in this new season of life, yet I often fell to realize and count those blessings. I think God is trying to teach me both contentment and gratitude, and I have been struggling to embrace the lessons. But, as Elisabeth Elliot always says, “in acceptance lieth peace,” and that anything I offer up to God “can and will become my gateway to joy.” These things are true and I want them to be true of me.

After a year, I feel like I am finally beginning to settle into this city – to accept where God has me and even embrace it. I am learning to laugh at the things that drive me crazy about living here and to lean into God and His daily gifts. Obviously, my husband is a major blessing and my primary calling in being here is to support, love, and submit to him. But another major blessing is our church: Renaissance. We have been so blessed by our brothers and sisters that we worship and serve alongside of. And, because I don’t have to work a full-time job, I have been able to spend time getting to know a handful of women in our church. This has been such a joy. I think one way I can serve God and the church is by getting to know and to encourage and to be encouraged by these women.

It’s the season of Thanksgiving in our country, and I need to pay attention and start counting the many gifts God has given me. There may be things I don’t like about where God has me, but there are far more things for which I should be thankful.

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. – 1 Thess. 5:16-18

Surrender

“God always gives his best to those who leave the choice with Him.”
― Jim Elliot

Back in February, the Lord began dealing with me on the topic of surrender. He brought to my attention several areas of my life that I was trying to control or wanting to control instead of entrusting them to Him. These areas were causing me much anxiety. I was worried about my mom and my sister and that my future wouldn’t turn out the way that I wanted. So the Lord began bringing this lack of trust, these anxious thoughts, and the things I needed to surrender to my attention. And I didn’t like it. Surrendering is not easy. It does not come naturally. And it took months of reading the Bible and listening to messages and reading other Christian books and talking to other believers to move my stubborn heart in the direction of even wanting to release my cares and dreams to God.

I began reading a trilogy by Nancy Leigh DeMoss that covered three topics: brokenness, surrender, and holiness. I resonated with the first part (Brokenness) as I could see the work of the Lord over the past several years to break me of my self-sufficient and prideful spirit. Yes, I could relate to what DeMoss was saying, the stories she recounted, and the Scripture promises she wove throughout that section. In fact, it was really encouraging to think about all the good purposes God had in mind in the pruning work He had been doing.

But then the next section came: Surrender. Suddenly, I wasn’t so encouraged; I was challenged. Surrender follows brokenness. God was indeed chipping away the areas of my life that were not pleasing to Him, like the grand Master Sculptor and Architect He is, but I had a part to play as well. There were some things I needed to let go of and entrust to His sovereign care and plan. I needed to surrender my will regarding the location and type of my/our future ministry. I needed to surrender how I wanted to be used by God. I needed to surrender to God’s will for our future family (i.e. what it will look like, motherhood, etc.). The brokenness God had been doing in my life was bringing me to a place of total surrender to God’s will – no matter what that might mean.

And it was hard. Hard to let go of my dreams. Hard to let go of my ambition. How to let go to my self-determination. Hard to let go of my fears. Hard to let go of what I wanted out of life. I desire so much for my life to count for Christ and His Kingdom, but I wanted it to count in the manner I wanted it to. And that was the problem. That was what I needed to surrender. And Jesus, who was completely surrendered to do God’s will, is my example:

And going a little farther, [Jesus] fell on the ground and prayed that, if it were possible, the hour might pass from him. And he said, “Abba, Father, all things are possible for you. Remove this cup [of God’s wrath for the sins of the world] from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will.” Mark 14:35-36

That is the heart of surrender: a heart that is completely and utterly yielded to God and His will. I have been asking God to cultivate in me such a heart. And, slowly (and very imperfectly), I have been relinquishing these things, entrusting them to my Perfect and Good Heavenly Father.

And what I’m learning, together with the last post, is that surrender and sacrifice go together. These are the questions I face in the prospect of surrendering my will and my plans…in surrendering my very self. Will I sacrifice my body, my time, my dreams, my expectations, etc. to what God has in store for me? Will I allow Him to have His way with me? Isn’t that the calling of marriage and motherhood and the totality of the Christian life – laying myself down for the sake of God and others? Even if that means staying in the States (!), even if that means my ministry will look different than I envisioned, even if that means serving God in a more well-developed, Western nation, even if that means laying down ministry ambitions for the more quieter ministry of motherhood (and I’m not pregnant, so stand down :). Yes; even if it means all of these things. God knows what is best. He created me and He knows what my life is for and how to use it to maximize His glory and my joy. So, with His help, I am choosing to bow to His will – whatever that may be and whatever it may entail. That is what Jesus did. He joyfully sacrificed His life and joyfully submitted to the will of the Father to the point of death, even death on a cross (Philippians 2:5-11). He did this for the good of the world (John 3:16) and the joy of His people and for His own eternal joy (Hebrews 12:1-3).

Lord, have Your way with me.

 

Sacrifice

“We are the sheep of His pasture. ‘Enter into His gates with thanksgiving, and into His courts with praise’ [Psalm 100:4]. And what is their purpose inside those courts? To bleat melodies and enjoy the company of the flock? No. Those sheep were destined for the altar. Their pasture feeding had been for one purpose, to test them and fatten them for bloody sacrifice. Give Him thanks then, that you have been counted worthy of His altars. Enter into the work with praise.” – Jim Elliot quoted in Shadow of the Almighty

Back in the month of May [Yes; it has taken me this long to get around to writing this], while reading through my Bible reading plan and while traveling to Missouri for Mother’s Day, God continually brought one word to my attention: sacrifice.

Over the course of May 6th through 8th, I read the following verses:

• Offer to God a sacrifice of thanksgiving, and perform your vows to the Most High…The one who offers thanksgiving as his sacrifice glorifies me; to one who orders his way rightly I will show the salvation of God! Psalm 50:14, 23
• The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise…then will you delight in right sacrifices,in burnt offerings and whole burnt offerings; then bulls will be offered on your altar. Psalm 51:17, 19
• I appeal to you therefore, brothers,by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Romans 12:1
• Do not neglect to do good and to share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God…Now may the God of peace who brought again from the dead our Lord Jesus, the great shepherd of the sheep, by the blood of the eternal covenant, equip you with everything good that you may do his will, working in us that which is pleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory forever and ever. Amen. Hebrews 13:16, 20-21

And also the next week on May 14th, I read:

• As you come to him, a living stone rejected by men but in the sight of God chosen and precious, you yourselves like living stones are being built up as a spiritual house, to be a holy priesthood, to offer spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ. 1 Peter 2:4-5

When I see a common theme or word repeatedly in a short amount of time, I think it’s important to lean in and listen to what God is trying to say. He’s obviously trying to get my attention.  He is the most diligent and purposeful Teacher.

I read these verses during a time when I was discouraged and downcast. Life at the time seemed hard. I was not content. I complained inwardly about my job (was I doing any good there?) and about Pittsburgh (all the reasons why I don’t like it) and about Daniel being gone and barely getting to communicate with him. I was still going to church and small group and reading my Bible and praying and even serving in ministry, but my heart was a wreck.

So what was God saying to me? I think it was: “I delight in inward sacrifice. These are the sacrifices that please Me.” I was sacrificing my time and energy for these spiritual disciplines (which we should do!) without checking my heart in the process. God says to King Saul when he disobeyed him:

“Has the Lord as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices, as in obeying the voice of the Lord? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice,and to listen than the fat of rams.” 1 Samuel 15:22

Don’t get me wrong, we should sacrifice time and energy (and probably more than we normally do) in reading our Bibles and praying and serving and fellowshipping with other believers, but God sees behind our actions and cares more about our hearts. More than any external sacrifices we can make, God says these are the sacrifices that please Him: the sacrifice of thanksgiving, the sacrifice of a broken heart and contrite (repentant) spirit, the sacrifice of every ounce of our lives (living sacrifice), which includes our relationships and plans and jobs and finances and hobbies and every single aspect of who we are. Doing good and sharing what we have with others are also sacrifices that bring delight to God. These are spiritual sacrifices that are acceptable in God’s sight. They please Him. Imagine! We can bring delight to the most Powerful and Beautiful and Holy Being in the universe by being thankful and humbling ourselves before Him!

God is good to us. We have no reason to grumble and complain. We have no reason ultimately to despair. When we do, we dishonor Him. But when we look past our circumstances and feelings, we see that this life is only “light” and “momentary” (2 Corinthians 4:16-18). God has given us every spiritual blessing in Jesus Christ (Ephesians 1:3). He saved us from darkness and death and eternal separation from Him. He displayed His great love for us by going to great and costly lengths to restore us to Himself. When we have Jesus Christ, we have everything. Therefore, there is no reason to complain. There is no reason to not be content. By God’s grace and power, we can learn to be thankful (James 1:3) and learn to be content (Philippians 4:13) no matter what.

And because Jesus greatly sacrificed Himself for us, holding nothing back, we can sacrifice ourselves completely – inwardly and outwardly; mind, body, and soul; thoughts, attitudes, emotions, and actions – for Him. Why wouldn’t we want to? For the love of Christ transforms and compels us to live for God and others just the way He did. In sacrificing what we think we deserve or our preoccupation with our circumstances, we aren’t actually sacrificing anything at all. It is in giving up all the things that we tend to cling to that we will gain more than we could ever imagine. Our Savior gave up everything for us. He expects no less in return. "Give Him thanks then, that you have been counted worthy of His altars. Enter into the work with praise."

resting in the Everlasting Arms

I would have never guessed that I’d be back on the campus of Southern Seminary. But here I am, almost four full months into my new job as a full-time secretary. Not to say that I don’t love Southern, because I do. This was my home for three and a half years and even after I graduated, I never felt like I left the Southern community. It will always probably feel that way.

Now, even though I never would have chose this for myself, I can see the Lord’s great wisdom in bringing me here. I know without a shadow of a doubt that the Lord brought me to this job; that He has me exactly where He wants me. I think He has yet to disclose His full purpose(s), but He has been showing and teaching me so much already. He has brought me here to rest. Now, I know that is a strange thing to say because it is a job (and I am working, by the way :), but in the midst of all the burdens of life and ministry, this job has been a place of restoration. One of my office responsibilities is to transcribe Dr. Mohler’s sermons, lectures, interviews and Sunday School lessons. So basically I am getting paid to listen to God’s Word. :) The Lord is using these messages to heal the wounds of last year, to continue His refining work and to increase my trust in Him. I am always amazed at the fact that whatever I am assigned to transcribe, it is always what I need to hear. The Lord knows what He is doing.

The lessons this week have been especially pointed. I transcribed audio from both 1 Peter 5 and Hebrews 12:25-29. Both of them reminding me of what the Lord is presently doing in my life. From 1 Peter 5 sermon, the Lord reminded me that He is sovereignly working behind the scenes to accomplish His good purposes in my life, which will come about at just the right time. He also convicted me of my lack of faith. Sometime in these last few months, I stopped believing that the Lord was working for my good. I questioned His willingness to do good to me and wondered if He cared at all.

The Hebrews passage describes the shaking power and consuming fire of God. The Lord has done a lot of shaking in my life. Many people and things that used to be a part of my life no longer are. They didn’t survive the shaking. But not only that, but the Lord has been shaking my faith so that what remains is pure gold (Job 23:10).

Then there’s chapel. Yes, I actually get paid to go to chapel (which is sadly over now until the fall semester). The sermons and worship songs have met me where I am each Tuesday and Thursday. The Lord is very gracious is dealing with me this way.

Besides these things, the Lord is teaching me to submit better to authority and procedure, to be content where He has me and to deepen my understanding of serving others. All of this, I believe, is further preparation for the future. Plus, He is blessing me with some new and great friends. :)

We three secretaries - Rachel, Rachel & Cami

 
Below is a verse that, as I have mentioned before, the Lord gave to my friend Jodi to pray for me during one of my darkest times last year. The Lord has begun binding up and healing the wounds He inflicted last year and He is using this job as one of the means to do it. Not that the tearing is over; He just brings healing in between those seasons. He knows how much we can endure (Psalm 103:14).

    “Come, let us return to the LORD;
        for he has torn us, that he may heal us;
        he has struck us down, and he will bind us up.
    After two days he will revive us;
        on the third day he will raise us up,
        that we may live before him.
   Let us know; let us press on to know the LORD;
        his going out is sure as the dawn;
    he will come to us as the showers,
        as the spring rains that water the earth.” Hosea 6:1-3

The latter part of this passage exhorts us to press on to the know the Lord. And that is what I must do. In the midst of everything that feels unclear in my life, I must press on to know the Lord. He knows the future and is perfectly satisfied with it. Furthermore, Jesus Christ has me where He wants me now and is perfectly satisfied with it. He is about to do something big. I can sense it. In the meantime, however, I must press on to know the Lord. He wants to give me Himself (!) and He wants me to give Him myself as well. He desires this more than any sacrifice I can give Him (Hosea 6:6). He deserves nothing less.

Relaxing and Reminiscing

I had a wonderful, relaxing time in Missouri last weekend. Exactly what I had asked God for (minus the snow :). It was nice to get away and just chill for a few days and spend time with family. We didn't do anything much, but we did laugh a whole lot. :) My dad read to my sister and me from her Kindle. He read the end of Pilgrim's Progress. It is the first time I can remember him reading a book to us and it's one of those moments I will treasure.

While I was home, I was going through my filing cabinet and ran across a notebook from college. It in I found sermon notes, prayers and inspiring quotes. I even found a list for my ideal mate, which was pretty amusing. It had 27 things (!), which I am sure would be pretty intimidating for any guy. The Lord has brought me a long way since then, though, and now I only have 2 things on my "list" (both of which are pretty specific and neither of which I will budge on). One of the prayers was a response to the reading I had just done in Acts 6-7:

Verse that spoke to me: 7:3
"Get thee out of thy country (America), and from thy relatives (family), and come into the land which I shall show thee."
Is this not my future? For God has called me to something bigger than myself and my present lifestyle.
Use me as You please, Lord Jesus.

I believe that the Lord is continually answering this prayer.

I also got to spend some extra time with the Lord - reflecting on what He has done and is doing in my life, spending time in His Word and submitting myself to do whatever He leads. He continues to teach me about prayer and depending on Him (which goes hand-in-hand). I think I am in a period of preparation for whatever God has in store. Much of the verses, sermons and the like that Jesus sends my way have to do with waiting on Him, staying on the right path and hearing His voice. It is no wonder that the Bible exhorts Christ-followers to be strong and courageous as we wait on the Lord (Psalm 27:14). It's hard to wait!

I have started re-reading Elisabeth Elliot's Shadow of the Almighty: The Life and Testament of Jim Elliot. It is one of my favorite books and for some reason Jim Elliot has been on my mind lately. I did just read Psalm 91 last night, which may have something to do with it (where the title of the book comes from). He is one of my heroes in the faith. His life is one that encourages, inspires and challenges me...and I hope my life reflects a desire for Christ and impacts the Kingdom of Christ the way his did (and still does).