The Aftermath

This week is the third week since my dad left us to be with Jesus. Even though it still seems surreal at times, reality has begun to set in. My dad is gone. His battle with cancer and his suffering are over, and his faith and hope has been realized. His pain has ended, but ours has just deepened. My emotions are mixed with with grief, relief, hope, and joy for him.

It’s amazing the things I have learned about my dad since his death. I knew him mainly in one capacity: as my dad. He never really shared his heart, his dreams, his hopes; he was a pretty private person (I guess I get that from him :). I suppose that is somewhat normal in the parent-child relationship, but the stories I have heard, the people he has impacted, and the things he did behind the scenes has made me appreciate him more, and made me realize how much I took him for granted.

Growing up, I was a daddy’s girl. When I was elementary school, I remember being at the water fountain and all the other little girls were talking about boys, boyfriends, etc. When I was asked something to the effect of who I liked or who I wanted to be my boyfriend, I answered my dad. I was perfectly content with him as the only man in my life (as I think it should be for every little girl). We kind of grew apart some when I went off to college and seminary – we didn’t usually see eye-to-eye on things – but the last year or so we started growing closer again (another grace of the Lord) and I started trying to do a better job of sharing what was going on in my life and heart.

The Lord was very kind to allow me to go home and take care of my dad during the last 10 weeks of his life. I know that is what my dad would have wanted (he loved having his girls around) and the Lord was so generous to give that to him. I was his primary caretaker during those days. It was the hardest thing I have ever experienced. My dad suffered a great deal and I saw things I’d rather not remember, but God’s grace was sufficient for those times (2 Corinthians 12:9). He always gave me the needed strength for each day, despite my faint heart and weak knees (Psalm 61:2). Now that it is all over, my mind is trying to process what just took place. In the moment, you just do what needs to be done with little thought, but now that things have slowed down, my mind is trying to get a handle on these last three months, and emotional/physical/spiritual exhaustion has set in. I feel like I could sleep for days.

I have to be careful, though. I realize I must allow myself time to grieve and process, but, at the same time, I have to be very careful what I am thinking about. It is easy to get lost in thought. I could probably think for hours about all that just happened, but I don’t think that’s good or healthy – especially if I am just thinking about the pain and turmoil that has marked my life as of late. So I have to be extra vigilant about taking thoughts captive (2 Corinthians 10:5). It is better to reflect on the situation, look for God’s goodness in it, and give Him thanks, or choose to think about the happy times with my dad instead (there are far more of those anyway) and give thanks for them.

It would be easy to question God during this time. Many of the prayers that were lifted up on behalf of my dad were not answered the way we hoped and desired. The answer from heaven was a continual “no” when it came to his healing and such. God was set on taking him Home. We received continual bad news from when he was diagnosed with cancer last November. So, again, I have to be careful. It would be easy to distrust or question God. But it is not like He was silent. Far from it. The peace and presence of Christ was continually with our family. He provided for us in every way and gave us some very, very sweet times with my dad. In fact, my dad was conscious and could communicate up to the last hours of his life. That is a priceless gift from God. My dad could have easily slipped into a coma hours and hours before he passed, but God did not allow that. And because He didn’t, many people in our family got to say their final goodbyes to him. God's kindness has been very evident throughout all this and I must remind myself of Romans 8:28 every time I am tempted to resent His hard dealings with my family. Many good things have come from my dad's death and continue to come from it because it is all orchestrated by a very good God.

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

Furthermore, God’s timing was so perfect. In fact, it was too perfect to not be orchestrated by Him. The Lord delayed my application to serve overseas until right before I went home. Also, when I went home in June is when my dad really started to deteriorate. The Family Medical Leave Act allows one to be gone from work for 12 weeks. I checked in with my employer every two weeks, so when it was time for my 10th week check-in, I sought the Lord on whether I should quit my job and stay in Missouri or return to Louisville. I sensed him telling me to do the latter, and I knew then He was going to take my dad. My dad passed away exactly a week later, which was a week and a half before I was supposed to return to Louisville. The Lord’s timing is perfect.

Below is a video of my dad singing. This was recorded on his 60th birthday, June 23rd of this year, the day Kristi and I came home to take care of Dad. He was in a lot of pain that day, but he got out his guitar and praised Jesus despite the pain. We could learn from him. Enjoy.

Cracking My Shell

I have been doing some things this year that are very against my naturally reserved nature (including the recent contents of my blog posts). Or maybe the better way to phrase that sentence is to say that God has been allowing me do a lot of things that make me trust Him in many different areas of my life.

Work

For starters—and this wasn’t really my choice—I have to wear dresses/skirts for work. Now I have nothing against dresses and skirts and it may seem weird that wearing them is against my reserved nature, but those who know me well, know that I don’t show my legs. I haven’t wore shorts since the seventh grade and I only occasionally wear skirts/dresses. That changed in January, though, when I began working at Southern where the dress code requires women to wear dresses or skirts. I don’t like showing that much of my skin (i.e. legs) so this exposed one of my insecurities. And I will admit that at first I was very self-conscious, but after several months I got over it (which is a good thing). I mean, I least my legs were still covered by pantyhose, that is, until the dress code changed last week and pantyhose are no longer required. Now I could technically still wear pantyhose, but, seriously, who really wants to? So I am learning to get comfortable with this increased level of exposure. I know this sounds ridiculous (and it is), but it is the truth, and it is good for my sanctification because at the root of insecurity is fear and fear is anti-God. The Apostle Paul says that God’s love casts out all fear (1 John 4:18) – even little fears like this one.

Socially

So far this year I have been to a dance party (seminary student related – don’t worry), I have sung karaoke (which was partially videoed), and I went contra dancing for the first time (and loved it!). The first two definitely weren’t my thing, but were good experiences, but the last one was so much fun and I plan to do again if given the opportunity. All of them, though, were good ways to build relationships and kick self-consciousness in the face.

I have also been developing some deep friendships with some of the godly women the Lord has placed in my life. I meet with two ladies for prayer and accountability every week (one each week) and have made an intentional effort to go deeper with the ladies at RF. Even though I would (selfishly) prefer to keep most people at arms length, these relationships have been great blessings and the Lord is continually teaching me the importance of His body, the church (not the building, but other believers). The Lord has a lot to say about this in His Word, especially in Ephesians and First John.

Ministry

Let me just say that ministry is usually out of our comfort zones. We are naturally selfish, so ministry, by definition, pulls us out of ourselves. Now some methods of ministry I find more comfortable than others because of the gifts and abilities the Lord has given me, but I find the Lord likes to call me to do things that I don’t especially feel equipped to do – like teach or speak in public settings. So far this year, the Lord has allowed me to—dare I say—lead the congregation in prayer during a couple of our Sunday morning services at RF; He has given me the opportunity to speak at my sister’s Sunday School class regarding Scarlet Hope; He allowed me to teach a parable to the kids during VBS; and He constantly empowers me to teach children’s Sunday School every Sunday at RF. All of these situations force me to rely more on God and seek His strength because public speaking and teaching don’t come “naturally” to me. I am quite inadequate to do both, but where I am weak (in all these situations), Jesus Christ proves to be very strong (2 Corinthians 12:9).

Storying with the kids during VBS

resting in the Everlasting Arms

I would have never guessed that I’d be back on the campus of Southern Seminary. But here I am, almost four full months into my new job as a full-time secretary. Not to say that I don’t love Southern, because I do. This was my home for three and a half years and even after I graduated, I never felt like I left the Southern community. It will always probably feel that way.

Now, even though I never would have chose this for myself, I can see the Lord’s great wisdom in bringing me here. I know without a shadow of a doubt that the Lord brought me to this job; that He has me exactly where He wants me. I think He has yet to disclose His full purpose(s), but He has been showing and teaching me so much already. He has brought me here to rest. Now, I know that is a strange thing to say because it is a job (and I am working, by the way :), but in the midst of all the burdens of life and ministry, this job has been a place of restoration. One of my office responsibilities is to transcribe Dr. Mohler’s sermons, lectures, interviews and Sunday School lessons. So basically I am getting paid to listen to God’s Word. :) The Lord is using these messages to heal the wounds of last year, to continue His refining work and to increase my trust in Him. I am always amazed at the fact that whatever I am assigned to transcribe, it is always what I need to hear. The Lord knows what He is doing.

The lessons this week have been especially pointed. I transcribed audio from both 1 Peter 5 and Hebrews 12:25-29. Both of them reminding me of what the Lord is presently doing in my life. From 1 Peter 5 sermon, the Lord reminded me that He is sovereignly working behind the scenes to accomplish His good purposes in my life, which will come about at just the right time. He also convicted me of my lack of faith. Sometime in these last few months, I stopped believing that the Lord was working for my good. I questioned His willingness to do good to me and wondered if He cared at all.

The Hebrews passage describes the shaking power and consuming fire of God. The Lord has done a lot of shaking in my life. Many people and things that used to be a part of my life no longer are. They didn’t survive the shaking. But not only that, but the Lord has been shaking my faith so that what remains is pure gold (Job 23:10).

Then there’s chapel. Yes, I actually get paid to go to chapel (which is sadly over now until the fall semester). The sermons and worship songs have met me where I am each Tuesday and Thursday. The Lord is very gracious is dealing with me this way.

Besides these things, the Lord is teaching me to submit better to authority and procedure, to be content where He has me and to deepen my understanding of serving others. All of this, I believe, is further preparation for the future. Plus, He is blessing me with some new and great friends. :)

We three secretaries - Rachel, Rachel & Cami

 
Below is a verse that, as I have mentioned before, the Lord gave to my friend Jodi to pray for me during one of my darkest times last year. The Lord has begun binding up and healing the wounds He inflicted last year and He is using this job as one of the means to do it. Not that the tearing is over; He just brings healing in between those seasons. He knows how much we can endure (Psalm 103:14).

    “Come, let us return to the LORD;
        for he has torn us, that he may heal us;
        he has struck us down, and he will bind us up.
    After two days he will revive us;
        on the third day he will raise us up,
        that we may live before him.
   Let us know; let us press on to know the LORD;
        his going out is sure as the dawn;
    he will come to us as the showers,
        as the spring rains that water the earth.” Hosea 6:1-3

The latter part of this passage exhorts us to press on to the know the Lord. And that is what I must do. In the midst of everything that feels unclear in my life, I must press on to know the Lord. He knows the future and is perfectly satisfied with it. Furthermore, Jesus Christ has me where He wants me now and is perfectly satisfied with it. He is about to do something big. I can sense it. In the meantime, however, I must press on to know the Lord. He wants to give me Himself (!) and He wants me to give Him myself as well. He desires this more than any sacrifice I can give Him (Hosea 6:6). He deserves nothing less.

The Past Weeks (and a Movie) in Review

It is currently pouring down rain outside. I love it. :) I just stood outside the door, letting the rain splash onto me as it hit the ground. 


There have been a few changes during the last few weeks. My roommate got married and moved out and my sister moved in. Boxes are the decor as of late. In a little less than two weeks, Kristi and I are moving to a new apartment across town. It's closer to work, school, ministry and church. A blessing from the Lord. He laid upon my heart earlier this year to move out of the basement I live in and it's finally about to come to fruition. What's really exciting is that our new apartment has an oven! I told Kristi that I am going to celebrate by baking. :)
This will be the fifth time I have moved in the last year (!). I have become quite the expert in packing. Although, I am not holding my breath as to how long I'll be at this next place. :)

At work, I have been flying solo. My boss has been out of town on a well-deserved vacation (her first one in 20 years!). It can be overwhelming at times, but the Lord is gracious and has provided me with the needed strength and endurance. During my early years of college, I thought I wanted to own a small business. The Lord has graciously given me a taste of it...and I don't think its for me. :)

Summer Movie Review: Secretariat - 5 out of 5 stars

It's been a long while since my last movie review. As you can tell, I am not that much of a movie watcher. There just seems to be so many other worthwhile things to do. :) I had heard rave reviews about the movie Secretariat, so I finally watched it with my friend Melissa. It did not disappoint. It is based on a true story, which automatically makes it more interesting. Plus, it is about a horse. I have always liked horses. When I was younger, I hung pictures of them on my wall and I asked my parents, on multiple occasions, if we could have one (despite the fact we didn't have anywhere to keep one). I have said multiple times that if God had called me to stay in the States, I would want to live on a ranch. Anyway, the movie was great. The plot, acting and camera-work were all superb. Plus, it began and ended by quoting from the book of Job, which is fitting because the accomplishments of Secretariat are an amazing testament of God's creative work and power. If this movie is not on your to-watch-list, it should be. :) 

Do you give the horse his might?

Do you clothe his neck with a mane?

Do you make him leap like the locust?

His majestic snorting is terrifying.

He paws in the valley and exults in his strength;

he goes out to meet the weapons.

He laughs at fear and is not dismayed;

he does not turn back from the sword. Job 39:19-22

Wisdom and Planning in Light of God's Providence

The Lord's lessons are not sporadic. He is the perfect Teacher. I have said this and witnessed this first-hand numerous times. Yet again, I find it to be true. I have this small card with a verse on it that I have used as a bookmark this past year to mark the reading plan I have been using in my Bible. I read it sporadically when I moved the card out of my way, but last night I really read it. The Lord by His Spirit used it to grab my attention and heart. It reads:

Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and all your plans will succeed. Proverbs 16:3

I started thinking about the store where I work and all the dreams that my boss and I have for it. I then thought that this would be a perfect verse for us to use for the business side of the store. Instead of hoping in our own plans and ideas, we should pray over them and commit them to the Lord. Sounds like a no-brainer, right? For some reason, it never occurred to me. Pray for the store, yes. Pray for good sale days, yes. But pray about our marketing, sales and managerial plans...

Anyway, today I worked my first bridal show on behalf of Papers Unique. It was a great way to meet future brides (and potential customers) and network with other businesses. Since I was unable to attend RF this morning due to the show, I went to one of the Sunday night services at Sojourn Community Church. And just what did the sermon "happen" to be about? Wisdom and planning from Proverbs 16. Yep, that's right. I took notes like a mad woman and cannot wait to share them with my boss.

I am a planner by nature so the sermon was good for me on many levels. There are too many times when I trust my own plans instead of submitting them to the Lord and fully trusting Him and His plans. God is in control of all things and all of His plans are good...and much better than my own.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

Furthermore, I was reminded of God's amazing grace. His grace covers our mistakes, failed plans and bad decisions. His grace also gives us freedom. We plan by grace. We don't plan under the burden of performance. He gives us freedom to make decisions by following the principles He gives and committing the decisions we make to Him. When we fail, we need not despair because we are living for something more than our own plans - His Kingdom.

I guess that means I need to commit my goals for 2011 to the Lord, huh? :)

By the way, Papers Unique has been nominated again for WHAS11's Best of Kentuckiana in Invitations. Help us keep our title and vote for us by clicking here.