Confessions of an Absent Blogger

Wow. It’s been a long time since I’ve blogged. I used to always have an idea for a post swimming around in my head, which would prompt me to write, but that has not been the case since I have got married over a year ago. I am not sure why. I would say it’s because I share my ideas, struggles, and feelings with my husband instead, but, even though that is true to an extent, it is not as true as it should be. Those who know me well know that I tend to keep things inside and have trouble expressing what I think and feel.

I haven’t been journaling as much either, and it’s not because I don’t have the time. I have more time now than I did before I got married now that I work part-time and don’t have as many extracurricular commitments.

So the lack of journaling and blogging probably has more to say about my spiritual and emotional state than anything. Pittsburgh has been hard for me in many ways. I have struggled to find my place in the city (besides being a wife and keeper of the home). I used to always have a goal I was working toward (school, getting overseas) and my time was filled with various commitments (ministry, church). So, what I have come to learn is that I had misplaced my identity in those things. Instead of taking my cue from Christ, I was finding my purpose and fulfillment in being busy helping, serving, working towards something – in doing – and had lost sight of the fact that God is not pleased with me because of what I do, but because of what Jesus Christ has already done for me through His life, death, and resurrection.

But Jesus has saw fit to sit me on the sidelines, so to speak. I am learning, though not always joyfully and willingly, to be content with where God has me. The city I live in and the job I have are not my preference, but they are God’s will for me – indeed, they are His gift to me. I have been blessed in many ways in this new season of life, yet I often fell to realize and count those blessings. I think God is trying to teach me both contentment and gratitude, and I have been struggling to embrace the lessons. But, as Elisabeth Elliot always says, “in acceptance lieth peace,” and that anything I offer up to God “can and will become my gateway to joy.” These things are true and I want them to be true of me.

After a year, I feel like I am finally beginning to settle into this city – to accept where God has me and even embrace it. I am learning to laugh at the things that drive me crazy about living here and to lean into God and His daily gifts. Obviously, my husband is a major blessing and my primary calling in being here is to support, love, and submit to him. But another major blessing is our church: Renaissance. We have been so blessed by our brothers and sisters that we worship and serve alongside of. And, because I don’t have to work a full-time job, I have been able to spend time getting to know a handful of women in our church. This has been such a joy. I think one way I can serve God and the church is by getting to know and to encourage and to be encouraged by these women.

It’s the season of Thanksgiving in our country, and I need to pay attention and start counting the many gifts God has given me. There may be things I don’t like about where God has me, but there are far more things for which I should be thankful.

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. – 1 Thess. 5:16-18

The Weight of Beauty

Obesophobia or Pocrescophobia = the fear of gaining weight

I recently saw an article about the high percentage of teenage girls who have a fear of gaining weight. The article called this fear “weight terror,” but it’s technical phobia name is above (which I just Googled to find out). I know this fear all too well. It’s been about ten years since I found myself in the midst of a struggle with what the psychological word calls a subclinical eating disorder. I have already written some about this, but this article as well as some other readings have prompted me to reflect on how the Lord rescued me from a prison of disordered eating – a prison I had unwittingly created for myself. And, honestly, there are still times I am tempted to fall into those old patterns of thinking; patterns that lead to nothing but destruction.

There are many heart issues and sinful desires that prompt and propel eating disorders. Most of the time you hear of women talk about wanting more control in their lives, and food and weight seem to be the only area of their lives where they seem like they have control. But that is not the case for all who struggle with their body image and that was not the case with me. Mine stemmed from an intense fear of becoming fat, which is no doubt a fruit of pride and fear of man, but was fueled by the standards of beauty in our culture and the standards of beauty in my own family. Even though my dad never directed any comments toward me regarding my looks or my weight, I took his comments regarding the weights of people on TV or people in real life to heart. Whether consciously or subconsciously, I took those comments to mean one thing: to be fat means losing my dad’s approval (and the approval of others). My dad had no idea he was sending this message with his comments and my sister didn’t pick up on that same message, but for some reason I did and it influenced the way I saw myself and the standards I set for myself regarding food, my weight, and my body image.

This is not to say that people who struggle with weight/food/body image are not responsible for their actions. We are. We may not be responsible for the messages we receive or the pressure we feel to be thin or look a certain way, but we are responsible to how we react, what we do with what we hear and feel. We are responsible for the priority we place of food and weight. We are responsible for making it our idol and letting it consume us. And consume us it will if God and others do not intervene.

Some were fools through their sinful ways,
and because of their iniquities suffered affliction;
they loathed any kind of food,
and they drew near to the gates of death.
Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble,
and he delivered them from their distress.
He sent out his word and healed them,
and delivered them from their destruction.
Let them thank the Lord for his steadfast love,
for his wondrous works to the children of man!
And let them offer sacrifices of thanksgiving,
and tell of his deeds in songs of joy! Psalm 107:17-22

It is no secret that thinness is one of the standards of beauty in our culture (and in much of the Western, developed world). Models, Hollywood, and even cartoon characters all praise women who have tiny waists. Skinniness and other standards of beauty in our culture are exploited at almost every turn: billboards, commercials, magazine ads, etc. Each one sends a message to both men and women. Scantily clad women abound in our culture, each presenting the woman’s body as an object to be desired or exploited or coveted. One of the many ills of feminism I suppose. Men are not the only ones affected by such sexualized ads; women also are affected. We are presented with a standard that is impossible to attain. I cannot compete with the women in advertisements, but, then again, neither can the models who are actually in the advertisements. The truth is that the printed images are lies. The women in those ads have been airbrushed and photoshopped to perfection. They are thinner and tanner; they’re blemishes and cellulite and stretch marks have been erased; their eyes have been widened and their legs lengthened. Even they cannot compete with their own falsified images. But that is the standard of beauty nonetheless and every woman, to some extent, feels the pressure to conform to it.

But those are the things that are seen. The Bible tells us to focus on what is unseen. The Bible gives and lifts up a different standard for women; one that focuses on a woman’s dignity and character. There are many women in the Bible who are described as being beautiful (Sarah, Rebekah, Bathsheba, Esther, etc.), but it is their character that gives them true beauty. This inner beauty is what God invites women to strive for and men to look for. External beauty pales in comparison (and is temporary anyway).

Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear—but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. 1 Peter 3:3-4

So, once again, our culture and our world have the focus all wrong. And I suppose the marring of and exploitation of beauty will only grow worse as our society continues to lose its moral compass (because how can you focus on the unseen, inner beauty when you don't even have a standard of what is truly good and lovely and right?). Outer beauty is fleeting. Standards of beauty change. But God’s Word never changes; it abides forever (1 Peter 1:24-25). And God’s Word says that God looks at the heart (1 Samuel 16:7) and that beauty is vain (Proverbs 31:30) and that cultivating inner beauty is precious to the Lord (1 Peter 3:4). The world looks at the outer appearance, but the Lord looks at the inward disposition of the heart. The former passes away like the flower of the field, but the latter remains forever when it is a heart truly given over to and made new by Christ.

It’s Christmastime

I have to admit that I am a little excited about Christmas this year. The past two Christmases have been rather difficult and unpleasant (2011 and 2012), so Christmas had kind of lost its spark for me. It no longer symbolized the fun and relaxing times it used too. But this year is different. I think because the last two have been so different and because this year has been so hard, I see Christmas this year as a chance for kind of a fresh start. I know it will still be painful and bittersweet, but it also gives me, my sister, and my mom an opportunity to celebrate Christmas in a new and better way as compared to the two previous years.

But while Christmas has lost a lot of its holiday flavor for me, it has gained much theological meaning for me. In a way, it is almost fitting that some of my hardest times have come at Christmas because the first Christmas was hard. Yes, there was much rejoicing. Heaven rejoiced greatly as they saw God’s plan of redemption beginning to unfold at the birth of the long-awaited Messiah, God’s very Son (Luke 2:14). And, yes, there is always much joy surrounding the birth of a new baby. But this no-name couple of little means and little reputation had just traveled hundreds of miles to a small town, by themselves, with the help of a donkey. Oh, and the young woman was very, very pregnant. They knew God was up to something great – given the miracle of this virgin’s pregnancy – but they didn’t know exactly what and they didn’t know how it would all pan out. I am sure they were afraid, anxious, apprehensive, and confused at times, but they still obeyed in the midst of the unknowns. The first Christmas was not all roses – far from it – but there was still much to rejoice about even in the midst of such adversity. Maybe this is what the true Christmas spirit is really supposed to be.

Kristi and I have continued our fairly-recent tradition of preparing our hearts for Christmas. What began as just reading the accounts of Jesus' birth found in Matthew and Luke a few days before Christmas has now extended to participate in the season known as "Advent" (starting the first Sunday in December and continuing to Christmas Day). This year we are using a devotional based on Christmas songs so it’s added the interesting dynamic of singing into our devotionals. It isn’t as meaty theologically as the one last year (John Piper’s Good News of Great Joy), but it is serving its purpose of pointing us to Christ and His coming. The Lord usually shows me something new about His coming each year and this year is no exception, but I’ll save that for a future post.

"It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas..."

 So even though I have been gearing up for Christmas in different ways – hosting two parties, decorating our apartment (beyond mine and Kristi’s usual hang-a-stocking-on-our-bedroom-doors tradition), listening to Christmas music constantly (also a new thing for me; I even bought a CD this year) – it's hard to believe that Christmas is only ten days away. I am not sure what Christmas will look like this year, but I am trusting God for good things and looking forward to Him making it "new" (Revelation 21:5) for me and my family.

Just Embrace It

Time and tide wait for no man, but time always stands still for a woman of thirty. Robert Frost

Last Friday, I turned 30. It’s hard to believe that I have been alive for three decades. [What am I doing with my life?] My life looks different than I thought it would at this age. I thought I would be married. I thought I would be overseas. I never imagined that my dad would be gone. But Jesus has planned and established every one of my steps, so I am exactly where He wants me to be. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Indeed, with the psalmist I can say, “The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places” (Psalm 16:6).

Although there are things that have happened in my life that are not good in and of themselves, God’s pronouncement over them is good because He is working in them for my good (Psalm 119:68; Romans 8:28; 2 Corinthians 4:16-18). And He has graciously allowed me to do some pretty incredible things and He still chooses to use me, usually in ways that I don’t even in realize, and I trust and pray that He will continue to do so. Without Christ, my life would look WAY different. I am so thankful that He chose me and saved me and has allowed me to know Him. All true joy and peace and satisfaction are found in Him. I realize that more and more with each passing year.

It’s been my experience that most people who turn 30 hate it. They get depressed or they freak out or they dread it. But to me it’s just another birthday. I’ve decided to embrace it. I mean, I don’t feel 30 and I don’t look 30, judging by the number of people who think I am in my late teens or early twenties or by the shock on their faces when they find out my real age (though, if I have too many more years like this one I will look my age! ;). Getting older means one glorious truth: I am one year close to my true Home. :)

I usually don’t do anything to celebrate my birthday in any formal way (I haven’t done that since I was 12 or 13) nor do I particularly care about my birthday. It’s usually around or even on Thanksgiving, which is my favorite time of year so that is celebration enough for me. But this year was a milestone birthday so my sister and one of my close friends wanted to make it memorable. It was. The details of it were a surprise, but they made a reservation at The Old Spaghetti Factory in downtown Louisville where we celebrated with some of my dearest friends (and, thankfully, there was no corporate singing of Happy Birthday). It was cool to see the ladies from different areas of my life (Rolling Fields, Scarlet Hope, and SBTS) in one room. Normally those aspects of my life never collide.

Mostly, this birthday has been a reminder to reflect on the Lord's grace and goodness displayed in my life. That in itself is a grace from the Lord as He has been gently reminding me of all that He has done and continues to do. He has done a lot in my heart these last few weeks to restore my hope in Him, particularly in regards to the future. I just want to be used by Christ and consumed with Him (though I lose focus of that at times), and I know that is what He wants too. That is my birthday “wish” this year (and every year).

Breaking Habits

Over the past few weeks, the Lord has been helping me slim-line my priorities and weed out distractions. Mainly this has been in regards to how I spend my time and the influences I allow into my life. I am already pretty strict about what movies and other media influences I consume, but He has been calling me to an even higher standard in this regard. I don’t mean this is a legalistic way, but in a way that frees me more to serve God and focus on Him. The Bible tells us that not all things are beneficial for us and that we are to fling away all distractions as we try to run the race that Christ has marked out for us (1 Corinthians 10:23). I have a very vivid imagination and images stick with me, so it is important for me to filter what I watch and listen to and read. For example, I watched Shudder Island with a friend and couldn’t shake some of the images for a week. Some things that may not bother others, will hinder me, but, in general, I think it’s important that we do not take in things that might grieve the Holy Spirit. It’s also important that we do not spend too much time gorging ourselves on the world’s entertainment – both for the sake our of walk with Christ and for the fact that time is short, so let’s not waste it.

This all began with Lent. After debating with myself, I decided to give up sugar. It’s not because I’m a junk-food junkie, but eating sweets had become a HABIT. Partly motivated by wanting to be healthier and partly because I wanted to give up something for the Lord for Lent, I denied myself chocolate and frozen yogurt and every other savory treat. And after a few weeks, I no longer wanted these things. Even when Easter came, I didn’t feel like I had to have dessert (though I did). The desire for something sweet was put back in its rightful place. It was no longer a habit or a must have or a craving, but simply an occasional treat. Now, by the Lord’s grace, I only have dessert when it is something I really like, not just to have it.

In nearly the same time period, I recognized another habit: Facebook. I wasn’t on there for long periods of time, but I did get in the HABIT of checking it daily. So even though I spent maybe a max of 30 minutes on it, it was distracting. So I took a break. I disabled my account for three weeks. And you know what’s pitiful? Immediately after I disabled my account, I was a little sad. Geez. That’s exactly why I needed to take a break.

Even though these things are rather small, they were distractions. And the discipline the Lord helped me learn in these areas has spilled over into other areas of my life, so that my time and energy can flow more fully and freely into what matters – Jesus and people. Prayer and Bible reading and ministry and fellowship have taken on a new and sweeter importance. The emails can wait and so can eating for that matter – only one thing is necessary and that will not be taken away from me (Luke 10:42). :)

All this is a small reflection of the biblical principle that sometimes God withholds the good we think we need so that He can give us the greater good that we truly need: Himself. A lot of time I lose sight of this truth, but the Bible is clear that the Lord has nothing but good intentions toward His own.

For the Lord God is a sun and shield;
the Lord bestows favor and honor.
No good thing does he withhold
from those who walk uprightly. Psalm 84:11

I am currently reading Dr. Moore’s book, Tempted and Tried, about the temptations of Christ. In talking about the first temptation, when the devil tempted Jesus to turn stones into bread to satisfy His hunger, Dr. Moore pointed out that one of the lies undergirding this temptation was that God was withholding something good, which was Jesus’ basic need and desire for food. Jesus wouldn’t buy this. He knew that His heavenly Father was all He needed and He would wait for Him to provide. This lie isn’t a new one. It is the same one that the devil sold Eve. He told her that God didn’t want her to eat of the forbidden fruit because He didn’t want her to become like Him. In essence, He was withholding good from her. So she bought the lie, ate the fruit, along with Adam, and plunged humanity into its present chaos. The truth is that God knows our needs better than we do, gives us what we need, and never withholds good from those who are in Christ. The Lord has been teaching me a lot about His goodness and His disposition to do His children good, but more on that in the next post.

Food for Thought

One of the things I do at work is archive the articles that are a part of Dr. Mohler’s The Briefing. This is how I stay up-to-date on current issues, which is nice since I don’t watch TV and rarely listen to the radio. But it can also be quite depressing and discouraging. America’s culture is becoming more and more hostile to Truth (and Jesus Christ is Truth – John 14:6) and less and less clear in its ideals, laws, and definitions. Things that used to be taken for granted (like our Constitutional Rights to bear arms, practice religion, and free speech) are now being redefined and threatened. Almost every day I read some article that leaves me saying, “Really? Don’t people see how ridiculous this is?” And, of course, they don’t because the god of this world has blinded them from seeing the light of the gospel of the glory of Jesus Christ (2 Corinthians 4:4), who is the truth, and if you don’t know truth, you don’t have a basis for anything. No wonder America is in the downward spiral she is in.

It never seems to fail that the headlines cover one of three topics: homosexuality/marriage, gun control, and abortion. Our society and government is grappling with how to deal with all three based on their own rationale and humanistic reasoning. Those who write the articles would have you think that two of these issues (homosexuality and abortion) should be from all restrictions and that the other issue (gun control) should have every restriction. What really strikes me, in the case of homosexuality and marriage, is the amount of energy, effort, time, and attention being dedicated to it. Less than four percent of people in the United States consider themselves homosexual/bisexual/transgender. That’s less than the amount of people who are unemployed, which I rarely hear or read about (unless it’s election time). I was actually shocked that so few Americans were homosexual, etc. Based on the amount of media and political attention dedicated to their perceived rights, I expected the percentage to be much higher. But it’s not. And it makes me wonder: why are we catering to so few? What if we did that to every single faction of society? They have the same Constitutional rights as every other American citizen, so why are they getting such special treatment (and they are getting specialized treatment)? I’m not totally sure what the answer to these questions are, but it definitely has something to do with lobbyists in the capitol and the secularization of our country.

The word that keeps reoccurring in these articles is rights. It seems like that is the big talk: rights of women, rights of homosexuals/bisexuals/transgender/gender-confused people, rights of animals, rights of nudists, and the right not to be told what to do. So, basically, the right to do whatever one thinks is right in his/her own eyes (Judges 21:25). But, of course, the word rights does not apply to gun owners or evangelical Christians or unborn babies or people who know what it means to male or female. The truth is, though, that none of us really have a right to anything. Jesus Christ has all rights and authority, and as God He makes the rules. He determines what marriage is and what life is and how we should treat one another. The only way to know what are “rights” are are to key off of Him because He earned our rights for us (Ephesians 2:8-10; Galatians 5). He is our Creator and He gives us the rights we think we deserve.

It’s amazing how much our culture has changed just in the last ten years, and it’s becoming more and more ridiculous. Consider two of the current hot topics in our society: gender identity and gun control. The liberal arguments for both are extreme and illogical (though they don’t see that). The idea that there is no distinction between male and female goes not only against God’s creation and design (Genesis 1:27), but against science, biology, sociology, and psychology (all of which are pretty naturalistic in their views). The studies of each of these fields have proven over and over again that men and women are different. This is not to mention experiential observations. Can’t you just tell by interacting with the opposite sex that they are different? Even if you refuse to admit it, it’s obvious that God created men and women differently, and we glorify Him uniquely by embracing the gender He gave us. He could have made humans beings asexual like amoebas, but He didn’t. He created humans male and female, and it’s a beautiful thing.

Then there is gun control. I can remember growing up playing violent video games (namely, Tomb Raider) and shooting water guns and BB guns. My sister and I even had a fake, plastic knife that’s blade retracted when we stabbed it into each other. We even used fake blood for dramatic effect. We thought it was awesome, but I am sure nowadays that that kind of play would have sent us straight to the psychiatrist because that's what's been happening recently. Consider these two articles:

"Not Always Fun and Games" by Jesse McKinley and Matt Richtel from The New York Times [“What am I going to do when he asks for one [a Nerf rifle]?” a mother asked. Um, say no. And that seems to be the problem. We don’t know how to say no to anything.]

"The Pop-Tart Terrorist" by George F. Will from The Washington Post [Pop-tarts – really? Does this mean I should stop giving my kids Pop-tarts in Sunday School? I don’t want to encourage terrorism…]

All this is just another reminder that this world is not my home. I belong to another kingdom whose King executes justice perfectly and always rules in complete sovereignty, wisdom, and benevolence (Isaiah 9:6-7). This King, my King, IS Truth, Peace, Freedom, Joy, Right and Righteous. He is good and does good always (Psalm 119:68). This is not true of our government or any other government in our world, and any good we see in any political entity is only a shadow of the True Kingdom which is to come. I close with these final words from George F. Will’s article, cited above:

Government is failing spectacularly at its core functions, such as budgeting and educating. Yet it continues to multiply its peripheral and esoteric responsibilities, tasks that require it to do things for which it has no aptitude, such as thinking and making common-sense judgments. Government nowadays is not just embarrassing, it is — let us not mince words — inappropriate.

Cracking My Shell

I have been doing some things this year that are very against my naturally reserved nature (including the recent contents of my blog posts). Or maybe the better way to phrase that sentence is to say that God has been allowing me do a lot of things that make me trust Him in many different areas of my life.

Work

For starters—and this wasn’t really my choice—I have to wear dresses/skirts for work. Now I have nothing against dresses and skirts and it may seem weird that wearing them is against my reserved nature, but those who know me well, know that I don’t show my legs. I haven’t wore shorts since the seventh grade and I only occasionally wear skirts/dresses. That changed in January, though, when I began working at Southern where the dress code requires women to wear dresses or skirts. I don’t like showing that much of my skin (i.e. legs) so this exposed one of my insecurities. And I will admit that at first I was very self-conscious, but after several months I got over it (which is a good thing). I mean, I least my legs were still covered by pantyhose, that is, until the dress code changed last week and pantyhose are no longer required. Now I could technically still wear pantyhose, but, seriously, who really wants to? So I am learning to get comfortable with this increased level of exposure. I know this sounds ridiculous (and it is), but it is the truth, and it is good for my sanctification because at the root of insecurity is fear and fear is anti-God. The Apostle Paul says that God’s love casts out all fear (1 John 4:18) – even little fears like this one.

Socially

So far this year I have been to a dance party (seminary student related – don’t worry), I have sung karaoke (which was partially videoed), and I went contra dancing for the first time (and loved it!). The first two definitely weren’t my thing, but were good experiences, but the last one was so much fun and I plan to do again if given the opportunity. All of them, though, were good ways to build relationships and kick self-consciousness in the face.

I have also been developing some deep friendships with some of the godly women the Lord has placed in my life. I meet with two ladies for prayer and accountability every week (one each week) and have made an intentional effort to go deeper with the ladies at RF. Even though I would (selfishly) prefer to keep most people at arms length, these relationships have been great blessings and the Lord is continually teaching me the importance of His body, the church (not the building, but other believers). The Lord has a lot to say about this in His Word, especially in Ephesians and First John.

Ministry

Let me just say that ministry is usually out of our comfort zones. We are naturally selfish, so ministry, by definition, pulls us out of ourselves. Now some methods of ministry I find more comfortable than others because of the gifts and abilities the Lord has given me, but I find the Lord likes to call me to do things that I don’t especially feel equipped to do – like teach or speak in public settings. So far this year, the Lord has allowed me to—dare I say—lead the congregation in prayer during a couple of our Sunday morning services at RF; He has given me the opportunity to speak at my sister’s Sunday School class regarding Scarlet Hope; He allowed me to teach a parable to the kids during VBS; and He constantly empowers me to teach children’s Sunday School every Sunday at RF. All of these situations force me to rely more on God and seek His strength because public speaking and teaching don’t come “naturally” to me. I am quite inadequate to do both, but where I am weak (in all these situations), Jesus Christ proves to be very strong (2 Corinthians 12:9).

Storying with the kids during VBS

Challenges of the Week

Last week was a tough week. It was one of those weeks when nothing seemed to go right:

• Several things happened at work that did not go smoothly (and were extremely frustrating) that weren’t my fault (though it usually is) or anyone else’s. One of the things being that there was a problem with Google and I couldn’t get a campus-wide email out in a timely manner.
• The upper radiator hose in my grandma’s car started splitting, spewing antifreeze. This should have been an fairly simple repair, but the manufacturers put the lower clamp on the hose upside down, making it almost impossible to get to. What should have taken an hour, took almost three. Plus, my pliers stopped working.
• I discovered I contracted head lice from one of the ministries I am involved in. I haven’t had to deal with this since South Asia and it’s got me wondering, is this going to be my Achilles heel of ministry? :) Oh, and I gave it to my sister as well.
• I have had late nights and little sleep due to taking care of the above two things, so I have been extremely tired.
• My laptop decided it didn’t recognize it’s battery. It told me to install an official DELL battery. (?!) The original battery has never been removed. I restarted it and I think it is okay now.

By the end of the week, nothing caught me by surprise. I believe the Lord is using these things to humble me. It’s a lesson I never seem to catch on to. I am completely exhausted now (and sore) and realize more than ever how much I need Christ in every moment of every day.

The pesky clamp (put back in the upright position)

The week, of course, had some bright spots. I went to a Hymn Sing on campus where the Lord graced me without His presence in a much needed way. In the weeks preceding, all I could see was my sin – my selfishness and pride and self-absorption. Every motive, every decision and even my worship seemed to be rooted in these things. I felt like I really was living life in Romans 7 (“for I know that nothing good dwells within me, that is in my flesh,” verse 18). And the worst part about it was my apathetic disposition towards the Lord. My feelings were not warm towards Him and I had no desire to do the things that I knew I should do. I hated feeling this way. I prayed constantly for Him to reveal what was going on and had others praying as well. The Lord is extremely kind in all this – even in allowing me to see the ugliness of my sin. It is only when we see ourselves as we truly are that we can see and appreciate and grow in love for Christ. At the Hymn Sing, the Lord was like water to my parched soul. I could literally feel the scales of sin and stubbornness fall from my being and my heart was warmed toward the Lord.The external struggles that I faced this week are much preferred to the inner ones I experienced the weeks prior. (I hope I don’t have to eat these words later).

Also, during these difficulties, I got to watch my sisters in Christ step up to the plate to help me. My friend, Jodi, who went with me to the Hymn Sing and was with me when I discovered the split hose, worked right along side of me to repair it (even though she knew I had lice!). My other friend, Katelyn, gave up her Saturday night to de-lice mine and my sister’s hair. Hasn’t the Lord given me amazing friends?! This is how the body of Christ is supposed to function – something the Lord is teaching me a lot about lately.

Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though He was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. Philippians 2:3-7

A Change in Wardrobe & A Change Within

It’s hot. I am saying this as a statement of fact, not complaint. I’d rather be hot than cold, and all I have to do is remember the harsh winter we had and I am thankful for these hot summer days. I am actually sitting outside now as I type this blog, listening to the songs of the evening birds and the hum of the central air unit. :)
Because of the heat and because the air conditioner in my car isn’t currently working, I have been sporting more dresses these days. I am definitely more of a jeans and Doc Martins kind of gal, but this weather calls for lighter material. Plus, it makes me get outside of my comfort zone. :) This increase in wearing dresses created a need for a pair of dress shoes as the shoes I have are a little too casual. I am not the type that has a fetish with shoes and cannot even remember the last time I bought a new pair, but I stumbled across some that were on clearance when I took Kristi to Kohl’s. As a result, I discovered the difference between $10-$15 shoes (which is what I would normally buy) and $50 shoes (which I would never buy): comfort. You get what you pay for, I guess.



I have been thinking and praying about my future a lot lately. I feel like I know less now about God wants me to do than I did six months ago when I graduated from Southern. I know that I am to serve the Lord overseas, but I have no idea what that looks like. What organization do I go with? What country and people group will I serve? What will my ministry look like? These are the questions the Lord has yet to answer. Six months ago, I thought I had a better idea, but the Lord has been changing my desires (or at least awakening previous ones) and it has given me much to think about. Sometimes I feel like my ambitions and desires are so varied that I wonder how they can be in the same person. Part of me wants to work with an unengaged people group in a remote village – venturing into the unknown to share the love of Christ with those who have never even heard His name. While another part of me wants to work with underprivileged women and/or trafficked victims in the urban slums. And there is the part of me that simply desires to be a wife and mother tending the home (though still serving Christ overseas). Not that all these things are mutually exclusive because I know awesome women who do at least two of the three…but they do seem rather conflicting at the present. Sanctify these desires, Lord.

“Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.” Proverbs 19:21

My boss and I have worked it out so that I can have an extra day off per week. I had been working six days a week and it was catching up with me. It is amazing what an extra day off can make! Plus, it allows me to run errands and such, which I didn’t have time for before. This week I had packages to mail. I told Kristi, who accompanied me to the post office, that it was my Acts 1:8 mailing as I was sending a package here locally, another one to Alabama and a third one to the other side of the world. :) We caused a scene as usual. The post office is like going to the library or DMV - nobody says a word and everyone looks straight in front of them. Of course, Kristi and I broke the silence upon entrance as we were laughing and carrying on about something. Our laughter and banter continued as we stood in line (though we did try to keep it to a low level). The gentleman behind us starting laughing at/with us and began talking to the lady behind him (about us). Then, before we knew it, the atmosphere had relaxed and there was a low murmur in the place. Another job well done by the Hovis girls. :)

Coming Up Empty

I am on the search for a new journal. I only have a couple pages left in my current one. I have had it since 2007 and over half of it contains my thoughts since last September. Finding a suitable journal is more difficult than I remember. Someone asked me once if I was a journal snob. I said no, but apparently I am. I have went to both LifeWay and Borders and come up empty. I have one more store to check to see if I can find one similar to the one I already have: small, brown and contains a Bible verse on each page. I thought for sure I would find one at LifeWay, I mean aren't they the one-stop-shop for all things devotional? :) While I was there, the very nice cashier pointed me to the Moleskin journals, which "are very popular"...they are also very pricey. He then took me to a different area to view the rest of the journal selection. They were all hard back, bulky and very ornate and frilly. No sale. I just want a journal that doesn't scream, "I'm a journal!" I mean this is something I will be writing in for a few years (unless I keep up the current rate of journaling!). I then proceeded to Borders thinking they would have a nice selection to choose from. Plus, they sent me a 50% off coupon. :) Their selection was better, but not by much. They had the same bulky, flashy ones that I passed over at LifeWay, but they did have a few small, simple, genuine (thanks to Dr. Schreiner for help pronouncing this word!) leather journals that were right up my alley. I will probably wind up getting one of these, but there is a Christian bookstore on the Indiana-side of the river that I want to check first.

I am also on the search for pepper spray to buy for my friend who worries about her safety. I looked at Walmart while getting groceries today, but to no avail. Where would they even keep something like that? My sister and I tried using logic (which never works in Walmart): with the repellents? No. By the guns? (It's like a weapon, right?) No. An associate informed us that they don't carry it anymore. What's that all about? Our next stop was Walgreens. The place that prides itself on having everything you need. Everything, that is, except pepper spray. We weren't sure where to look. The family planning aisle, maybe? :) Nope. They told me to check Autozone. Yeah because that is the first thing I think of when I think of Autozone...but we'll see...

The Promise of Spring

Can you be "in love" with weather? Because I think I am. I am so excited for spring that I can hardly stand it. Today, I got off work early and went to one of my favorite places in Louisville - Cherokee Park. It's like a little hint of the country in the city. I was probably a little over zealous to go there since it's still a little chilly (I mean, it is still February), but I was itching to spend time with the Lord Jesus outside. I spent about 45 minutes there until the cool wind got to me. I then headed to Southern's campus (another of my favorite places) to continue reading until Kristi got out of class. I am reading a book called Integrity by Henry Cloud. It has been an enlightening and challenging read and it is really expanding my view of the word integrity. 

Whoever walks in integrity, walks securely,
but he who makes his ways crooked will be found out. Proverbs 10:9

I read today in Dr. Mohler's blog that Borders filed for bankruptcy yesterday and that they are closing 200 stores. I find this news very disheartening. I thoroughly enjoy reading and very much enjoy spending time in bookstores. I would place the Borders on 4th Street downtown as another one of my favorite places to hang out in Louisville. I fear what this means for the future of books in general. Call me old-fashioned, but I am not yet used to the idea - nor do I like the idea - of an electronic book. There is just something about holding a physical book with real pages that adds to the experience of reading.

In my quiet time in the morning, I have been reading through the book of Proverbs. I recently came across this verse:

for by wise guidance you can wage your war,and in the abundance of counselors there is victory. Proverbs 24:6

As I have mentioned several times before, the Lord is teaching me a lot about wisdom - namely, just how limited mine is. Over the past several months, I have had different things come up that required me to diligently search God's Word, seek the Lord in prayer and pursue wise counsel from others. The Lord is so gracious in providing me with (and making me aware of) the "counselors" He has placed in my life. There is a core group of six or seven people that God has used to speak His truth into my life and to steer me on the right path. I am so thankful for these people. They are an incredible blessing in my life and have helped me through some difficult decisions and choices. 

Through all this, the Lord has taught me how to be more open, more trusting, more humble and less independent. It has been a growing experience to say the least, but I am learning to share my burdens with others and express what I think and feel (when appropriate, of course). The wisdom, grace and kindness of the Lord that He so willingly lavishes on His children is so amazing.

But God being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ - by grace you have been saved - and raised us up with Him and seated us with Him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages He might show the immeasurable riches of His grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. Ephesians 2:4-7