Surrender

“God always gives his best to those who leave the choice with Him.”
― Jim Elliot

Back in February, the Lord began dealing with me on the topic of surrender. He brought to my attention several areas of my life that I was trying to control or wanting to control instead of entrusting them to Him. These areas were causing me much anxiety. I was worried about my mom and my sister and that my future wouldn’t turn out the way that I wanted. So the Lord began bringing this lack of trust, these anxious thoughts, and the things I needed to surrender to my attention. And I didn’t like it. Surrendering is not easy. It does not come naturally. And it took months of reading the Bible and listening to messages and reading other Christian books and talking to other believers to move my stubborn heart in the direction of even wanting to release my cares and dreams to God.

I began reading a trilogy by Nancy Leigh DeMoss that covered three topics: brokenness, surrender, and holiness. I resonated with the first part (Brokenness) as I could see the work of the Lord over the past several years to break me of my self-sufficient and prideful spirit. Yes, I could relate to what DeMoss was saying, the stories she recounted, and the Scripture promises she wove throughout that section. In fact, it was really encouraging to think about all the good purposes God had in mind in the pruning work He had been doing.

But then the next section came: Surrender. Suddenly, I wasn’t so encouraged; I was challenged. Surrender follows brokenness. God was indeed chipping away the areas of my life that were not pleasing to Him, like the grand Master Sculptor and Architect He is, but I had a part to play as well. There were some things I needed to let go of and entrust to His sovereign care and plan. I needed to surrender my will regarding the location and type of my/our future ministry. I needed to surrender how I wanted to be used by God. I needed to surrender to God’s will for our future family (i.e. what it will look like, motherhood, etc.). The brokenness God had been doing in my life was bringing me to a place of total surrender to God’s will – no matter what that might mean.

And it was hard. Hard to let go of my dreams. Hard to let go of my ambition. How to let go to my self-determination. Hard to let go of my fears. Hard to let go of what I wanted out of life. I desire so much for my life to count for Christ and His Kingdom, but I wanted it to count in the manner I wanted it to. And that was the problem. That was what I needed to surrender. And Jesus, who was completely surrendered to do God’s will, is my example:

And going a little farther, [Jesus] fell on the ground and prayed that, if it were possible, the hour might pass from him. And he said, “Abba, Father, all things are possible for you. Remove this cup [of God’s wrath for the sins of the world] from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will.” Mark 14:35-36

That is the heart of surrender: a heart that is completely and utterly yielded to God and His will. I have been asking God to cultivate in me such a heart. And, slowly (and very imperfectly), I have been relinquishing these things, entrusting them to my Perfect and Good Heavenly Father.

And what I’m learning, together with the last post, is that surrender and sacrifice go together. These are the questions I face in the prospect of surrendering my will and my plans…in surrendering my very self. Will I sacrifice my body, my time, my dreams, my expectations, etc. to what God has in store for me? Will I allow Him to have His way with me? Isn’t that the calling of marriage and motherhood and the totality of the Christian life – laying myself down for the sake of God and others? Even if that means staying in the States (!), even if that means my ministry will look different than I envisioned, even if that means serving God in a more well-developed, Western nation, even if that means laying down ministry ambitions for the more quieter ministry of motherhood (and I’m not pregnant, so stand down :). Yes; even if it means all of these things. God knows what is best. He created me and He knows what my life is for and how to use it to maximize His glory and my joy. So, with His help, I am choosing to bow to His will – whatever that may be and whatever it may entail. That is what Jesus did. He joyfully sacrificed His life and joyfully submitted to the will of the Father to the point of death, even death on a cross (Philippians 2:5-11). He did this for the good of the world (John 3:16) and the joy of His people and for His own eternal joy (Hebrews 12:1-3).

Lord, have Your way with me.