Forgotten Faith

I will be honest: these past several weeks have been rough. I feel like I have been experiencing culture shock without even leaving the United States. And that’s not because of marriage or moving to Pittsburgh; although I am sure the newness of both plays into it a bit. There have been so many changes all at once. Most are good, but all contribute their own bit of stress: getting married, moving to a new city, starting a new job, finding a new church, making new friends – pretty much all that was familiar is not anymore.

I honestly didn’t expect to have such difficulties adjusting. I have moved to a new place before (Louisville) to start school and had to make new friends and find a new church and job. But on top of all of the changes were other trials and circumstances that brought me to the end of myself. I won’t recount them all lest I seem to be complaining (which is a very fine line), but let it suffice to say that things were breaking right and left, things were taking longer than they should, and my mom went into the hospital for a bit.

And in all this, God felt so very far away. Even though I continued to meet with Him daily through Bible reading and prayer, I felt like I could not connect to Him or His promises. And it’s not like He wasn’t there. He’s been providing for Daniel and me continually (especially with providing us with a church family before we even got here!). But I have had trouble sensing the Lord’s presence. And I hate that. Absolutely hate it.

And it’s no wonder that I had trouble sensing Him; my heart attitude has been less than honoring to Jesus Christ. I had completely lost focus of who He was and who I am in Him. After several meltdowns, the Lord began revealing to me my sin: I was constantly grumbling and complaining (internally) at the inconveniences I was facing; I was refusing to be transparent with my husband (one of the continual lessons of my life it seems); I was doubting God’s care and willingness to heal/help; I was trying to keep the I-have-it-all-together persona intact; and, as usual, I was relying on my own strength. Sigh. Symptoms of depression and despair and irritability and impatience all have their root causes in something else and here are all mine.

I am more like the Israelites of the Old Testament than I would like to think. Much like they had quickly forgotten God and His greatness when they were thirsty in the desert after He single-handedly delivered them from slavery in Egypt by performing breathtaking miracles, including the parting of the Red Sea, I had quickly forgotten God’s provision for me and my family after my dad’s death and throughout my dating and wedding experience. I was only weeks out from watching Him meticulously work out the details of mine and Daniel’s wedding and move, but as soon as the trials hit, my heart was full of doubt. I was living as a practical atheist as I tried to face these changes and trials on my own accord. O me of little faith.

But the awesome thing about God is that He is personal and that He actively and relentlessly pursues His children. Over the weeks, He has been speaking to my heart through His Word, through sermons, and through other people to reveal to me my sin. He is very kind and patient to do it so slowly and not smack me over the head with it all at once (which is what I deserve). This past weekend, while Daniel and I were traveling back from Kristi’s wedding in Louisville, Daniel put in a sermon/lecture from Wayne Grudem on miracles. It was exactly what I needed. Daniel didn’t know that, but God did. While I was listening, the Holy Spirit convicted me of my lack of faith. It was like I had forgotten what faith in prayer looked like. God flooded my mind with the many answers to prayer I have experienced. How could I be so doubtful?

Since then the Lord has been impressing on me the importance of seeking Him in all things. How should I use my time? Ask God through prayer. Should Daniel and I buy or rent after our current lease is up? Ask God through prayer. I have already seen Him answer several specific prayers since that sermon on Sunday. I still have a lot of growing to do when it comes to this, but the awesome thing about seeing answer to prayer is that it increases your faith.

Jesus said to her, “Did I not tell you that if you believed you would see the glory of God?” So they took away the stone. And Jesus lifted up his eyes and said, “Father, I thank you that you have heard me. I knew that you always hear me, but I said this on account of the people standing around, that they may believe that you sent me.” John 11:40-42

And, what’s even better, is that God’s answers to my prayers are not based on the amount of faith that I have. They are based on Jesus Christ. He obeyed the Father perfectly and had perfect faith for those that trust in Him. He has perfect faith for me. The Father always heard the prayers of His Son Jesus and, therefore, He always hears my prayers as well. He may not always answer in the timing or manner I would prefer, but He will answer.

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him! Matthew 7:7-11

Weddings and a Funeral

A lot has changed in my family in the past year. There have been some very joyous occasions, but also some very heart-wrenching ones. All of which were determined and designed by a loving God (Job 2:10; Romans 8:28). My sister and I both got engaged earlier this year. I got married a month ago yesterday and she gets married a month from tomorrow. Yesterday also marked two weeks since I moved to Pittsburgh with my new husband. It's been a whirlwind to say the least.

But while we did gain two new members to our family, a year ago today, we also lost one - the pain of which can still be keenly felt. Even though I have tried not to dwell on the memories leading up to my dad's death, everything within me has been very aware that the anniversary of his passing was coming. He started appearing in my dreams two weeks ago, which is probably why I haven't been sleeping well, and there have been so many things that remind me of him. I can't help but reflect back to this time last year as he slowing slipped away...The emotions and memories of which are still very real and raw.

It was hard not having my dad at my wedding. It was hard to have someone else walk me down the aisle and give me away (although I am very thankful that my uncle, my dad's brother, did). It was hard not to have my dad involved in the details and days leading up to the wedding and the move, and it's hard that he will never get to meet Daniel.

Sarah Ayer Photography

But God's grace is sufficient for these things. He helped me find ways to remember and honor my dad in the midst of his absence. I was able to work through some of these emotions the weekend before the wedding, and the Lord filled me with His perfect peace the day of the wedding so that I was not battling sorrow in the midst of the joy. I wrote a poem for my dad for my wedding. It was a way to express what I was feeling and to remind myself of the Hope that both his death and my wedding point to:

"Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be His people, and God Himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away. And He who was seated on the throne said, 'Behold, I am making all things new.'" (Revelation 21:3-5).

In Loving Memory of Gary Lynn Hovis 

(June 23, 1953 - September 3, 2013)

I wish you were here, Dad,

to experience this day

to walk me down the aisle,

and to give me away.

I wish you were here, Dad,

your presence in this place,

so we could dance at the reception,

so I could kiss your face.

But God in his goodness, Dad, (Psalm 119:68)

took you Home to be with Him (2 Corinthians 5:8)

So we trust God for His wisdom

when our understanding's dim. (Proverbs 3:5-6)

I know you're worshiping with us, Dad,

with the rest of the saints above (Hebrews 12:23)

as we magnify the Lord Jesus

and celebrate His love. 

You won’t return to me, Dad,

but I will go to you. (2 Samuel 2:23)

And then we’ll celebrate together

the Wedding this day looks forward to. (Revelation 19:6-8)

Sarah Ayer Photography

It Takes the Church

Wow. I can’t believe it's almost been two months since my last post - a testament to the craziness of the last few months. During that time I quit my job at Southern (July 25th), got married (August 2nd), and moved to Pittsburgh (August 19th) where my husband (!) just started a Ph.D. at Duquesne (August 25th). I am just now starting to feel like I can catch my breath.

There are so many things I could blog about, but I wanted to take time to focus on the faithfulness of God shown through His people, the church, to make my marriage ceremony to Daniel Hurst happen.

It is true that God cares about the most minute details of life. I experienced that firsthand. Jesus says that our heavenly Father feeds the birds and that He adorns the flowers with their many colors, shapes, and sizes (Matthew 6:25-33). How much more will He care for His children for whom He sent His Son Jesus to die…and care for them in every single detail of their lives (John 3:16; 2 Corinthians 9:8; Philippians 4:19)?

Daniel and I wanted Jesus to be put on display through our wedding ceremony (and most importantly our marriage), so we covered every detail of it with prayer. And God answered and provided. We wanted the ceremony to be a worship service that was full of God’s joy and peace and we wanted to honor God with our resources (i.e. we didn't want to spend a lot of money or have an elaborate ceremony). And God honored those desires. When choosing colors and cake and such, neither of us were set on any particular ideal. We were both very open to whatever the Lord might have for us. As I prayed about details, ideas would just “come to my mind.” For example: while looking at wedding cakes (which apparently are very expensive), I didn’t want to spend over $200. Everything I found was around $300 for a three-tier cake and sheet cake. I don’t even like cake. So I talked to the Lord about this and, as I was falling asleep one evening, the thought came, “What about a two-tier cake?” The next day, Daniel and I went to Whole Foods (who we heard had decently-priced wedding cakes). Each Whole Foods is different, and the one in Louisville was just starting to tap into the wedding-cake industry. Since that hadn’t launched, they could only do two-tier cakes for $50. Sold. And it turned out beautifully (especially after Daniel’s sister added the flowers).

Sarah Ayer Photography

That is just one example of many of how the Lord guided and provided. But what’s even better than that is how God’s people came together to make our wedding day happen. My bridesmaids and other Christian sisters let me borrow things to use as décor or connected me to people who had what I needed/wanted AND they did a lot of the work. I honestly could care less about decorating and such (not my forte), but these women were more than eager, not to mention joyful, to help in any way they could.

The same can be said about our church family, Rolling Fields Church. There was a buzz of excitement in the air throughout the church body leading up to our wedding day. There were so many people who helped out behind the scenes before, during, and after the ceremony: setting the stage, setting up chairs and tables for the rehearsal dinner and reception, preparing and serving food at the reception, making the bouquets and floral arrangements…I can’t help thinking that last year, Rolling Fields wept with those who wept, and how this year, they rejoiced with those who rejoiced (Romans 12:15). They practically showed the love of Christ to Daniel and me – and still continue to do so even though we’ve moved away.

The day of the wedding, everything just seemed to “fall into place” (Psalm 37:5). The rain moved out that morning just in time for outdoor pictures, and the Lord provided the beautiful weather for which we had prayed. Jesus filled me with His peace throughout the day and His presence was evident in our ceremony. Many people commented on how the ceremony pointed to Jesus – which is what we had deeply desired and prayed for (Psalm 37:4). To Him be the glory.

Sarah Ayer Photography

So this is why I titled this blog “It Takes the Church.” Could we have pulled off this wedding day on our own? Probably so, but it would have taken more time and money, been more stressful (because it turned out to be rather stress-free) and less joyful, and we wouldn’t have had the blessings of watching the church be the church to us. And these brothers and sisters not only invested in our wedding day, they invested into our lives and into our marriage, which they were rightly more concerned about. So in saying “It takes the church,” I am saying it takes the body of Christ expressed in the form of the local church body (not the building – though that was useful for our ceremony :). And that’s the way it should be, right? Because, after all, the wedding ceremony is a picture and foretelling of the Great Wedding to come: the marriage of Jesus Christ to His Bride, the Church (Revelation 19:6-9; Ephesians 5:32). This is the Wedding Day we’re all waiting for (whether we realize it or not) and the only one that matters eternally. “Blessed are those who are invited to the marriage supper of the Lamb” (Revelation 19:9).

If you were unable to make it to our ceremony and want to watch it, click below.
 

One Thing is Necessary

It has been a very busy season of life (evidenced by my significant lack of posts). I truly believe I am doing the things that the Lord wants me to do, but I have been tired and spent and struggling to trust the goodness of Christ, struggling to "fight the good fight of faith" (1 Timothy 6:12).

When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul. Psalm 94:19

It has also been an emotionally hard season of life. There are so many things going on that it’s hard to keep my focus on the One Thing that is necessary (Luke 10:42; Psalm 27:4). And because of that, I have been a wreck on the inside. One minute I am excited and happy about all that God is doing (I mean, I am getting married :), and the next minute I’m fighting tears and feel that my heart is breaking with all the burdens and grief that this past year as brought. It’s a rollercoaster of emotions to say the least.

Father’s Day and Dad’s birthday have come and gone, and I have been missing my dad a lot. It feels like I'm losing him all over again. I have been concerned for Mom and Kristi, wondering how they will fare without me (as if their well-being depended upon me). There are so many things to tend to and relationships to invest in – and the days are dwindling in which to do so. Then there is the spiritual warfare/oppression I’ve felt – like an invisible weight on my shoulders - and all the anxieties and fears and doubts about the future. I am usually ready to pack up and leave for wherever God is leading, but I've been dragging my heels just a bit. Maybe I’ve been trusting in comfort and familiarity in the midst of this past storm more than I realized. Or maybe that’s why they say not to make major life changes within the first year of losing someone…

As usual, I am learning to navigate these emotions and share them. While God has taught me much about being vulnerable with others and sharing my burdens with my brothers and sisters in Christ (Galatians 6:2), my natural tendency is to close up and withdraw, to put on my I’ve-got-it-together face and smile, and to ignore/suppress my feelings altogether (because, honestly, I don’t trust them). So I think I’ve regressed a little in that area and I’m having to re-learn the same lessons that God taught me these past few years.
But, as usual, Jesus met me in my struggles – in my pain and doubts and fears and circumstances. He has been showing me through His Word and through His people how much I have not been trusting Him and how I need to seek Him above all other things and how I need to cast my cares on Him (1 Peter 5:7; Matthew 11:28; Phil. 4:6-8). Two main ways He did that was through a Scripture passage in the Old Testament and through ReConnect at church.

The passage was 2 Chronicles 14:-15. It is the story of Asa, who was king of Judah. He was a faithful king who feared and served God. He took away all the pagan gods and commanded the people to seek and obey the one, true, and living God. And because he and the nation of Judah sought the Lord, the Lord gave them peace on every side. This was contrasted with the time period before when the nation did not seek God and had no peace at all. Furthermore, King Asa was humbly dependent upon the Lord when they were being attacked by their enemies and the Lord rewarded him by fighting for the nation of Judah and delivering them. As the I read this, the Lord pressed upon me the need to seek Him above all that is going on. He revealed to me that I didn’t have peace because I wasn’t looking to Him and depending upon Him. Instead, I was consumed with my circumstances, trying to handle everything on my own. One Thing was necessary – I needed turn my focus to the Lord. Only then would I have peace (Isaiah 26:3-4).

Then a few days later we had ReConnect at Rolling Fields (a special service we have when there is a 5th Sunday). Pastor Andy led us in a study of Psalm 22. We read through the psalm, noting the emotions that David felt and how he was focused on his circumstances, how  he would then turn his focus to the Lord and remember His faithfulness, only to switch back to focusing on his circumstances again (looks like he was on a roller coaster like me). He ended the psalm by re-directing and setting his gaze on the Lord and choosing to praise His name even though his circumstances had not changed. He remembered that God was working in his troubles for a purpose that he could not yet see, and He remembered that he had a responsibility to share God’s goodness and truth with others. He remembered that making God known among the nations was the aim. I needed to remember that too.

So I've been continually giving my cares to the Lord and slowly sharing them with others. And the Lord has been giving me His peace that surpassing all understanding (Philippians 4:6-8). The circumstances haven't really changed, but God has re-directed my focus. He is bigger than my circumstances. He is sovereign over my circumstances. And He has already gone before me into the future to work all of these things out for my good and His glory (Romans 8:28). There is no God like Him.

Therefore, preparing your minds for action, and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. 1 Peter 1:13

Gladdened Days

but, though he cause grief, he will have compassion
according to the abundance of his steadfast love - Lamentations 3:32

The verse has been running through my mind the past few weeks. It’s no secret that the last few years have been hard. The Lord has done much to cause grief, but He did so in order to show His compassion. He has been at work refining and pruning and disciplining and teaching and revealing through the various trials and difficulties He has allowed in my life. The lessons have been invaluable, and even though I may not be thankful for the circumstances themselves, I am thankful for all that the Lord did in me and through me because of them.

But these latter months have been different. The Lord has been pleased to bring more joyous occasions into mine and my family’s lives. Namely, both my sister and me are getting married this year. This is the gift of the Lord and many people have pointed out His kindness in bringing such happy circumstances into our lives after such a tough season. I couldn’t agree more. But, yet, I still have this underlying fear that this will all end badly too; that the hard lessons aren’t over. In essence, I am not trusting God or hoping in Him or believing that He is working for my good – which is sin. God has proven Himself over and over to be both good and faithful to me, but yet I still have troubling believing Him. When my focus is on Him and not my circumstances or fears or my inabilities or shortcomings, I can live in the freedom and joy and peace of all God is for me in Jesus Christ. But when my focus is elsewhere, fear and disbelief and mistrust takes over.

But even when I’m faltering, God is still kind and ever-willing to show Himself faithful. As Jerry Bridges says, whether I believe it or not, God is still working all things for my good just as He promises in Romans 8:28. And God has been ever so gracious to give me glimpses of that.

There are some pretty hard holidays/occasions coming up for me and my family that will remind us of the pain from last year. There are also several bridal showers. As I was looking at the calendar for the summer, I realized that every single occasion coming up was surrounded by a celebratory event. God had already gone before us. 

May 3 – Azalea Weekend in Frederickown, MO (Derby Weekend in Louisville): Last year, Kristi and I went home to MO to spend Azalea weekend with Dad. We had visions of the tractor pull and car show…but it was not to be. It was rainy and chilly that weekend and my dad was super sensitive to the cold because of the chemo. It was a disappointing weekend and it was hard to see my dad so frail and miserable. But this year was not disappointing. This year I got engaged. :)

Mother’s Day – Mom said this would be a hard day for her because Dad always got her a gift and card. This year the Lord worked it out that Kristi and I could spend the weekend with her. We went wedding dress shopping. We went out to eat. We watched a movie together. I also had a bridal shower.

Father’s Day – We weren’t home last year, but we did call our Dad. I can’t do that this year. For obvious reasons, this will be a hard day. This year, on the day prior to Father’s day, Kristi & James and Daniel & I plan to go to St. Louis to do each other’s engagement photos.

Dad’s Birthday (June 23rd) – Last year, Kristi and I went home for Dad’s birthday. It was also the start of my FMLA leave from work to take care of Dad. This year, we are going home to Missouri again, but this time for Kristi’s first bridal shower.

Fourth of July – Last year, Dad was extremely sick and was throwing up for days. Both he and I went into the hospital (different ones) on July 5th. This year, Rolling Fields is throwing me a bridal shower on July 6th.

Mom & Dad’s Wedding Anniversary (July 11th) – Not only is this Mom and Dad’s wedding anniversary, it was also the day that Dad had surgery last year and the day that the surgeon told us to call hospice. This year, I am throwing my sister a shower on July 12th.

September 3 – This will mark the one-year point since my dad’s death. Although, time does heal the wound, the pain is still very much there and so is the void. There actually isn’t an event this year to offset this date like those listed above, but both mine and my sister’s weddings (August 2nd and October 4th respectively) surround it perfectly. September 3rd is smack dab in the middle of those two dates.

Do you see the kindness of the Lord in this? We did not plan these dates, but He did. These were just the dates that “happened” to work best with our schedules or with the schedules of others. This is not to say that there won’t still be pain and tears and sorrow. There will be, but the Father is kind to give us something to celebrate in the midst of the sorrow. He is helping us make good memories in the midst of the painful ones. I’m not even that big on showers, but they are a celebration of something good that God is doing in our lives, of an earthly gift that the Lord is giving us, and of the future marriage union we believers will one day have with Christ.

My Turn

Rachel and Daniel :: Engaged! May 3, 2014

Chosen and Proven Love

Resurrection Weekend (aka Easter Weekend) and the days leading up to it flew by in a whirlwind of activity. I usually take some time during this time of year to reflect on what is known as Holy Week and to place special attention on the death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus Christ. I continued this tradition this year, but I wasn’t able to deeply reflect on the meaning of Easter as much as I would have liked.

Yet, God in His grace still helped me understand the depths of His love and the power of the gospel in a fresh way this year. He led me to a short Holy Week devotional called Love to the Uttermost by John Piper that helped greatly guide and focus my thoughts regarding the Easter story. This is the central and most crucial event in the Christian faith (as in, without it, we have no faith), so even though it deserves our constant reflection and attention, it is fitting to set aside specific time to ponder the depths of its reality and truth.

There seems to be several key words that encapsulate what God has been showing me about Jesus’ death and resurrection this year: joy, delight, choice, and love. All of them are related and all of them find their source in God, not in me – as in Jesus showed me it was the Father’s and His delight and joy and choice and love for Him to suffer, die on the cross, and then come back to life three days later. As Piper said over and over in his devotional, this extravagant love was a free love and it was driven by joy. The Father freely chose to send His Son to save rebellious, sinful people from eternal torment and separation from Him in hell, and the Son freely chose to give His live as a ransom for many (Mark 10:45). The greatest and truest expression of love is a love that is given freely, not out of duty or coercion.

It was the Father’s delight to send His Son as the perfect substitute for sinners (John 3:16; 1 John 3:9-11). He freely chose to do so. He chose to set His love on us, even though we were spiritually dead in our sins (Ephesians 1:3-10; 2:1-10). God was not under any obligation whatsoever to do this. There was nothing in us that was desirable or that warranted His attention or affection (Deuteronomy 7:7-8; 10:15). There was nothing we did or could do to earn His favor or love because even the good things we think we do are filthy according to His perfect standard (Isaiah 65:6; Romans 3:23). So God didn’t owe us anything that He should set His love on us or show us favor. 

Furthermore, it was Jesus’ delight to do His Father’s will (Psalm 40:8) and to save a people for Himself (Hebrews 12:2). He freely chose to die a gruesome death in order to do so. His life was His to give over to death and it was His to bring back from the dead (John 10:17-18). No one took His life from Him in the ultimate sense; He freely chose to lay it down. He freely chose to endure the cross because of the joy and glory and reward that was set before Him (Hebrews 12:2). That reward was a people from every tribe, tongue, nation, and people that would be His treasured possession and that would sing His praises forever and ever (Revelation 7:9-10). So God demonstrates His love through the death of His Son Jesus Christ to save a people for Himself.

But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8

What more can He do to prove His love for us (something God has asked me when I've doubted or questioned His love for me)? Nothing. The life, death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus Christ is the ultimate expression of God’s love for His chosen people. It is something we will never fully grasp or explore or exhaust, but it is real. And it’s reality is rooted in history: in the real, historical person of Jesus Christ of Nazareth. God’s love is not abstract. Not at all. It was displayed in the most critical event of all of human history. 

So God chose a people for Himself and then He pursues that people and rescues that people by sending His Son to die in their place in order that He can be with His people for all of eternity. That’s grace. That’s love – love that’s chosen and proven. That is love to the uttermost (John 13:1).

This is the center of the gospel—this is what the Garden
of Gethsemane and Good Friday are all about—that God
has done astonishing and costly things to draw us near. He
has sent his Son to suffer and to die so that through him
we might draw near. It’s all so that we might draw near.
And all of this is for our joy and for his glory. Piper, Love to the Uttermost (page 28)

On a slightly different note, I have been thinking about how the resurrection of Jesus on that first Easter morning gives us such hope for our future resurrection to life with Him. I have been thinking about this especially in regards to my dad. Because of Jesus’ victory over death and His resurrection, my dad too will have victory over death and will be raised to new life. Because of Jesus’ resurrection, I will one day be re-united with my dad…but in much, much better circumstances. :)

He will swallow up death forever;
and the Lord God will wipe away tears from all faces,
and the reproach of his people he will take away from all the earth,
for the Lord has spoken. Isaiah 25:8