The Performer

The Lord has been slowly exposing some deep-rooted sins over the past few months. Trials seem to bring those kinds of things to the surface.

The Father first starting bringing this particular sin to light in late August as I was listening to a Meadow Heights sermon about emotional baggage. The sermon focused on three types of people: The Poser, The Performer, and The Clinger. Each type believed specific lies that fueled them to basically act how their titles described.

I immediately knew which one I was: The Performer. I resonate with the feeling that I am not good enough. Almost every day I feel that I don’t measure up, that I constantly fall short. And, in truth, we all fall short. The Bible is clear that every single person does not and cannot measure up to God’s perfect standard. We repeatedly fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). But if you don’t look to the gospel when you realize/notice/feel like you’ve fallen short, you have no hope and you, therefore, begin placing hope in other things and/or people. And hope that is built on anything other than Christ will always disappoint, will always fail.

In saying I am a performer, I do not mean that I am not genuine or that I’m not the same person at church as I am at home or work or elsewhere. I think, or at least hope, that I am. But it is to say that I sometimes hide my feelings and pretend I have it all together. You may never know that I feel that I don't measure up, but I do. I feel this incredible pressure to be the perfect wife (a pressure that I put on myself and that has by no means been projected onto me by my husband in any way), even though I know there is no such thing. I feel pressure to know the answers to whatever questions may be asked of me. I feel pressure to hold it together; to be strong; to save face – which means that I mask my pain and sorrow and grief and put on a smile and pretend everything is okay. Where this pressure, these lies, come from, I am not completely sure, but they are probably some mix of lies from the past, lies from the enemy, and my own prideful standards. But the source(s) really don't matter as much as the Remedy that eradicates them.

Historic Old Stone Church, Pittsburgh, PA

So all of this has been slowly coming to a head, and it did just that the Sunday before last. We are going through the book of Philippians at Renaissance Church, and that Sunday, the sermon was on 3:1-11. In it, Pastor Rob talked about how Jesus saves us from both our bad works and our good works. The former is what we think about – all the bad things we do, say, and think that cause us to fall short of God’s standard for us. The latter things, the good things, are what we generally rely on to assert our goodness, as if to give us some kind of bargaining chip with God, treating Him like He’s this Great Cosmic Santa who is making His list and checking it twice. But the truth is that the Bible says that our good works, our very best deeds, are filthy, disgusting, soiled rags in the presence of an all-wise, all-good, completely holy and sovereign God (Isaiah 64:6). None of it matters - the good, the bad - only knowing Jesus matters. And even though I know all this, I needed to be reminded of it, which God knew. Pastor Rob reminded us that in Christ we do measure up. In Christ, I measure up. God is not disappointed with me. He is not calculating the minutes I spend in prayer and Bible reading. He doesn’t have a balance in which He keeps my worldly thoughts/actions on one side and more Christ-centered thoughts/actions on the other. He wants me to become more like Christ, yes, but He knows me better than I know myself and He knows that He must help me grow to become like Christ. He is pleased with me because I am in Christ and He is pleased with Christ. He’s not concerned with outward actions mainly, but inward dispositions. He wants me to know Him. I want that too. I need that. Desperately.

So as I was listening to the sermon, God reminded me of Romans 8:1:

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

And that’s when I realized – for weeks I have been believing accusations from the enemy. He has been condemning me every day and I hardly realized it. I just accepted the accusations as truth. I have been believing his lies instead of dwelling on God’s promises. Like the promise of Romans 8:1. But it gets better. Romans 8 goes on to say that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared to the glory that awaits us (v. 18). A verse that I have often quoted to others, but not to myself. But it gets even better still. Who can separate us from this love of Christ? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Not illness or persecution or trials or spiritual forces or death or even my own made-up standards. Nothing in all creation can separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord (v. 31-39).

There is freedom and healing in these truths. I do not have it all together. I need Christ and I need His Church. Christ is everything I need to be.  I measure up because of Christ. He fills in all the areas I fall short. I am not condemned because of Christ. Better things await me because of Christ. God loves me with an unending, never-changing, better-than-I-can-imagine kind of love because of Christ. And these are truths that I need to be reminded of constantly because I seem to forget them constantly. Thank God for His reminders and for His people that help me remember.

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness;
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly lean on Jesus’ name.
Refrain:
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand,
All other ground is sinking sand. The Solid Rock, Edward Mote