I honestly didn’t expect to have such difficulties adjusting. I have moved to a new place before (Louisville) to start school and had to make new friends and find a new church and job. But on top of all of the changes were other trials and circumstances that brought me to the end of myself. I won’t recount them all lest I seem to be complaining (which is a very fine line), but let it suffice to say that things were breaking right and left, things were taking longer than they should, and my mom went into the hospital for a bit.
And in all this, God felt so very far away. Even though I continued to meet with Him daily through Bible reading and prayer, I felt like I could not connect to Him or His promises. And it’s not like He wasn’t there. He’s been providing for Daniel and me continually (especially with providing us with a church family before we even got here!). But I have had trouble sensing the Lord’s presence. And I hate that. Absolutely hate it.
And it’s no wonder that I had trouble sensing Him; my heart attitude has been less than honoring to Jesus Christ. I had completely lost focus of who He was and who I am in Him. After several meltdowns, the Lord began revealing to me my sin: I was constantly grumbling and complaining (internally) at the inconveniences I was facing; I was refusing to be transparent with my husband (one of the continual lessons of my life it seems); I was doubting God’s care and willingness to heal/help; I was trying to keep the I-have-it-all-together persona intact; and, as usual, I was relying on my own strength. Sigh. Symptoms of depression and despair and irritability and impatience all have their root causes in something else and here are all mine.
I am more like the Israelites of the Old Testament than I would like to think. Much like they had quickly forgotten God and His greatness when they were thirsty in the desert after He single-handedly delivered them from slavery in Egypt by performing breathtaking miracles, including the parting of the Red Sea, I had quickly forgotten God’s provision for me and my family after my dad’s death and throughout my dating and wedding experience. I was only weeks out from watching Him meticulously work out the details of mine and Daniel’s wedding and move, but as soon as the trials hit, my heart was full of doubt. I was living as a practical atheist as I tried to face these changes and trials on my own accord. O me of little faith.
But the awesome thing about God is that He is personal and that He actively and relentlessly pursues His children. Over the weeks, He has been speaking to my heart through His Word, through sermons, and through other people to reveal to me my sin. He is very kind and patient to do it so slowly and not smack me over the head with it all at once (which is what I deserve). This past weekend, while Daniel and I were traveling back from Kristi’s wedding in Louisville, Daniel put in a sermon/lecture from Wayne Grudem on miracles. It was exactly what I needed. Daniel didn’t know that, but God did. While I was listening, the Holy Spirit convicted me of my lack of faith. It was like I had forgotten what faith in prayer looked like. God flooded my mind with the many answers to prayer I have experienced. How could I be so doubtful?
Since then the Lord has been impressing on me the importance of seeking Him in all things. How should I use my time? Ask God through prayer. Should Daniel and I buy or rent after our current lease is up? Ask God through prayer. I have already seen Him answer several specific prayers since that sermon on Sunday. I still have a lot of growing to do when it comes to this, but the awesome thing about seeing answer to prayer is that it increases your faith.
Jesus said to her, “Did I not tell you that if you believed you would see the glory of God?” So they took away the stone. And Jesus lifted up his eyes and said, “Father, I thank you that you have heard me. I knew that you always hear me, but I said this on account of the people standing around, that they may believe that you sent me.” John 11:40-42
And, what’s even better, is that God’s answers to my prayers are not based on the amount of faith that I have. They are based on Jesus Christ. He obeyed the Father perfectly and had perfect faith for those that trust in Him. He has perfect faith for me. The Father always heard the prayers of His Son Jesus and, therefore, He always hears my prayers as well. He may not always answer in the timing or manner I would prefer, but He will answer.
“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him! Matthew 7:7-11
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