Times of Refreshing

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance… Ecclesiastes 3:1-4

The past two weeks, the Lord has been incredibly kind to keep my schedule pretty clear so that I can spend extra time with Him. And, let me tell you, I needed this time. I mentioned in my previous post that the Lord kept reminding me of His presence. He was beckoning me to rest in His presence, which is what I knew I needed. There is healing in the presence of Jesus that can be found nowhere else. I had been really struggling in the weeks following my dead’s death to trust the Lord for His grace and goodness (Ephesians 3:20; Romans 8:28), to count it all joy (James 1:2), to be thankful in all things (Ephesians 5:20), and to keep my eyes on Jesus (Hebrews 12:2). My faith was small and my perspective skewed, but times of refreshing come in the presence of the Lord (Acts 3:20).

So sensing the prompting of the Lord and the urgency of His call to draw near to Him, I sat aside a few days last week to rest and be in the Word. The Lord was kind to add to those days and give me some more of them this week. God’s promises are true: His Word does not return void (Isaiah 55:11) and when you draw near to Him, He draws near to you (James 4:8), which is what happened. In a way that cannot be explained apart from His grace, the Lord adjusted my focus and attitude, renewed my hope, realigned my priorities, and healed my brokenness, giving me a clearer vision of Him just as I had asked. He drew me out of the muck and the mire that I found myself in and set my feet on the Rock, filling my mouth with praise (Psalm 40:1-3). Even though my circumstances didn’t change, Jesus Christ has given me His unexplainable peace and joy. The change was in me. Jesus always works from the inside out.

As the Lord gave me comfort and strength, I sensed Him gently telling me, “Okay. You’ve had your time. It’s time to move forward.” It was time for me to stop being withdrawn and to start being about His work again. This is not to say that my grieving is over or that there is no pain because that is not the case, but it is to say that I cannot stay where I was. There is a time for more concentrated mourning and processing, but you cannot stay there forever. That’s not healthy or beneficial for anyone. The call to move forward came at the perfect time (as always), as I was already supposed to resume teaching the kids at church that Sunday. And the healing the Lord brought in that week prepared and strengthen me to dive back into that role as well as make a few hospital visits and reconnect with friends over the weekend. The time has come for the things that have been on hold (ministry, my future) to move to the forefront of my thoughts, as they slowly have been doing. Serving overseas has been more and more on my mind, and I have been praying about mentoring with Scarlet Hope for most of the year, and I believe the Lord is leading me to take steps forward in both of these areas.

But involving myself in these things and other ways of serving the Lord does not take the place of my need to be in His presence. His call to move forward doesn't negate my need to be silent in His presence and seek His face. By no means!

Seek the Lord and his strength;

seek his presence continually! Psalm 105:4

I can only serve Jesus when I spend time in the presence of Jesus. He empowers me to do His work. I will never outgrow my dependence upon Him for rest and strength and guidance, etc. Spending time with Jesus Christ is always the better portion, which will never be taken away from His people (Luke 10:42). Furthermore, the Lord's presence is our aim as Christians (Revelation 21:3). His presence will be our portion forever!

Dearly Loved

This is the message that a friend wrote on my calendar for me to find when I returned in September from Missouri: “You are dearly loved.” It is a phrase that kept popping up during those surrounding weeks from those dear to me and even from one of Spurgeon’s Morning and Evening devotionals. And I did feel loved, as people had poured into me for months (see previous post), carrying me through some of my most difficult hours. God revealed the depths of the relationships He had given me during that time. But, more importantly, God was revealing His love for me through His people. He was reminding me that I am dearly loved by Him (more on that in a moment).

Along with the above message, the Lord kept bringing a particular verse to my attention through my daily devotionals, other people, songs, and even a signature line at the bottom of an email:

The Lord your God is in your midst,
a mighty one who will save;
he will rejoice over you with gladness;
he will quiet you by his love;
he will exult over you with loud singing. Zephaniah 3:17

In the hardness, God wanted to remind me that He delights in me; even though I was in a deep valley, teetering on despair, He was singing over me. And He was (is) with me. That is a sweet verse and I gladly welcomed the reminder.

Then more hard weeks followed. Disappointments. Bad News. Failing Faith. Exposed sin. Zephaniah 3:17 forgotten. Most days felt like a struggle or a fog and the presence of Christ seemed far away. All I could see was my life crumbling around me and the wickedness of my own heart rising in response (selfishness, doubts, cynicism, bitterness, anger, etc.). Added to these things was an almost constant internal spiritual warfare. But Christ had a purpose in allowing all of these things into my life. Namely, He wants to magnify His grace as He refines me and reveals more of Himself (in, through and to me).

But it is hard to keep focus on that purpose in the heat of the fire. I realized that I was struggling and the Holy Spirit was prompting me to spend more time in the Word, but I felt like there was a veil keeping me from seeing Christ and His promises clearly. So, over the past week, I started praying for a fresh vision of Christ. And I believe the Father is answering that prayer and here’s why. First, Pastor Bryan prayed that for me and my sister this past weekend. He didn’t know I was desiring that, but God did. Second, the speaker in chapel today said something to that affect at the beginning of his sermon (and can I just say that that sermon was exactly what I needed to hear; pretty much a sum of all that God is teaching me, which I am describing in this post!). Third, God is constantly reminding me of His presence. I mean, constantly: almost daily in my devotionals, in His Word, through other people, and in the past three sermons I have heard. It’s like He is saying, “Just open your eyes, I am here!” Even when I can’t see Him, He is present. Even when I can’t sense Him, He is present. Even when I feel forsaken, He is present. How do I know that? Because the Bible tells me so (Joshua 1:9, Psalm 46:5; Zephaniah 3:17 above, Matthew 28:20, Hebrews 13:5, etc.; cf. Matthew 1:23).

Admittedly, these are much more pleasant lessons to learn than those of patience and waiting and endurance (though I’m learning the former in the midst of the latter). And it goes to show you that you never “arrive.” These are basic, yet deeply-profound truths. Even though I’ve been to seminary and have been following Jesus for a little over a decade, I still need to be reminded of them over and over again:

1. God loves me (Romans 5:8)
2. God is with me (Matthew 28:20)
3. God has a plan for my life (Jeremiah 29:11)

The first one is probably the most difficult one for me to grasp. I have trouble connecting with it. Maybe it's because I'm not a super-sappy kind of person. Maybe it's because I have heard this truth so flippantly used over and over again. I know mentally that God loves me and believe that He does based on Scripture, as a theological truth, but I have trouble feeling it, receiving it, letting it affect me daily (if that makes sense). I don't wake up saying, "God loves me" (though, maybe I should!). I mean, I get that God is just. I get that He is sovereign. I get that He is holy and perfect and true and worthy. But that He loves me specifically and personally (and not just generally), that’s another story. This is something I know that I’ve been deficient in for awhile and something the Lord is slowly growing me in. I know it is something I will never understand completely (see Ephesians 3:18-19), but I also know there is much room for growth. And it’s not like the Lord doesn’t demonstrate His personal love and care for me regularly (like all the examples noted above). The deficiency is in me. I’m having a connection problem. I know that I am dearly loved by Jesus Christ, but I want to feel it, sense it, soak in it. So, if you don’t mind, please pray these words for me from the Apostle Paul:

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Ephesians 3:14-19

Carried

The past two weeks have been rather rough. My attitude and response toward life has been less than praiseworthy and I have had several meltdowns when bad news or disappointment has come my way. There is an instability within myself that I’ve not known before as I struggle to cling to God’s promises and wrestle with deep questions. But although I’ve been struggling (more like drowning on some days), I am not alone. God has not abandoned me. In fact, He meets me everyday through His Word and through His people to strengthen, encourage, sustain, and even rebuke me.

God has given me some amazing brothers and sisters in Christ for which I am deeply thankful. I do not deserve such kindness, but, thankfully, the Lord does not give me what I deserve. These men and women have shared Scripture with me, prayed for and with me, cried with me, pointed me to Christ, and helped me remember God’s promises. They have literally been the hands and feet of Jesus to me during these turbulent times. Like on Friday when I was having one of those aforementioned meltdowns at work, one sweet friend took over my gatekeeper position in the office while I went to the bathroom to cry. As I was sitting on the floor sobbing, another sweet friend came in and sat with me and prayed with me. I know the Lord sent her to me to comfort me in that moment.

For just as the body is one and has many members, and all the members of the body, though many, are one body, so it is with Christ…But God has so composed the body, giving greater honor to the part that lacked it, that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another. If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together. 1 Corinthians 12:12, 24-26

One of the sweetest aspects of the last few months has been watching the church be the church (as described in the passage above). While I do have amazing friends at work and in ministry, I am also very blessed to be a part of two wonderful church families – one in my hometown in Missouri and the other here in the Kentuckiana area. While they are pretty different from one another in many ways, both are committed to the Word of God and both long to show the love of Christ in practical ways. They long to be the church found in Acts 2 that is committed to the teachings of Jesus and devoted to love one another as well as the those who are unchurched. Most people have trouble finding one solid church that they can be a part of, but the Lord has let me be a part of two.

The first is Meadow Heights Church in Fredericktown, Missouri. I started attending this church when I was in the seventh grade. It was instrumental in me coming to faith in Christ, watering the seeds of faith that were sown by my parents, and played a vital role in my early stages as a new Christian, teaching me what it meant to follow Christ and the importance of having a daily quiet time with Him. Even though I haven’t been regularly attending that church since I moved to Louisville, they are still like family to me and are always more than willing to help me and my family. They were more than helpful when my dad was sick and when he passed away, bringing us food, providing a location as well as the menu for the after-funeral dinner, offering many, many prayers, giving money – willing and eager to do whatever was needed. Even now, they continue to help my mom with things she needs done around the house. They do this because the love of Christ compels them. Because, honestly, they are not receiving many benefits from my family. You can’t say it’s because of our tithes or our service or any such thing because Kristi and I don’t live there anymore. They did it out of love – love for Jesus and love for us.  

After moving to Louisville, I began attending Rolling Fields Church in Jeffersonville, Indiana (right across the river from Louisville). I have been a member there for six years now (hard to believe!). It is a small church and most people in the Louisville area haven’t heard of it, but God is up to some great things there. It is a rare place where you get solid teaching and have plenty of opportunities to serve. The Lord has used this church to stretch me in many ways when it comes to serving and leading, and it has also been instrumental in sustaining me through these difficult years. Every sermon is exactly what I need to hear. Since the church is small, I have grown a lot when it comes to fellowshipping with other believes. I am a private person and sinfully self-reliant, so this wasn’t my strong suit when it came to the spiritual disciplines, but you can’t hide that well in small places, and I have learned to give of myself to others and let them give of themselves to me, and I have been blessed immensely by the deeper relationships that God has allowed me to develop there. Rolling Fields has also been such a blessing to me and my family (whom they’ve barely met) these past few months. Even though they couldn’t be with us physically (though I know they wished they could!), they sent money and encouraging cards and emails and offered up countless prayers – willing and eager to do whatever was needed. They too do this because the love of Christ compels them. I was gone to Missouri for three months. They had every excuse to let my home church care for me, to focus on more local things, to say they are too small and their resources too few, but they didn’t. They did it out of love – love for Jesus and love for me and my family.

So these two bodies of believers have been God’s means of grace to me. God is the God of all comfort, and He chose to comfort and provide and care for me and my family through His people, His body, His church(es). And isn’t that the way it should be? Yes. This is the way the church is supposed to function: supporting weak members, caring for one another, sacrificing to help those in need. This is what Christ does for us. He helps the weak (2 Corinthians 12:9). He cares for others (1 Peter 5:7). He sacrificed Himself to help those in need (Hebrews 10:10-14). He is the head of the church, His body, and His body is supposed to follow His example (Colossian 1:18). This is the mark of a true church: loving God and loving others, representing Christ (His heart and mission) to those around them. I am blessed to be part of two such churches and I am very thankful for them both.

We give thanks to God always for all of you, constantly mentioning you in our prayers, remembering before our God and Father your work of faith and labor of love and steadfastness of hope in our Lord Jesus Christ. 1 Thessalonians 1:2-3

The Aftermath

This week is the third week since my dad left us to be with Jesus. Even though it still seems surreal at times, reality has begun to set in. My dad is gone. His battle with cancer and his suffering are over, and his faith and hope has been realized. His pain has ended, but ours has just deepened. My emotions are mixed with with grief, relief, hope, and joy for him.

It’s amazing the things I have learned about my dad since his death. I knew him mainly in one capacity: as my dad. He never really shared his heart, his dreams, his hopes; he was a pretty private person (I guess I get that from him :). I suppose that is somewhat normal in the parent-child relationship, but the stories I have heard, the people he has impacted, and the things he did behind the scenes has made me appreciate him more, and made me realize how much I took him for granted.

Growing up, I was a daddy’s girl. When I was elementary school, I remember being at the water fountain and all the other little girls were talking about boys, boyfriends, etc. When I was asked something to the effect of who I liked or who I wanted to be my boyfriend, I answered my dad. I was perfectly content with him as the only man in my life (as I think it should be for every little girl). We kind of grew apart some when I went off to college and seminary – we didn’t usually see eye-to-eye on things – but the last year or so we started growing closer again (another grace of the Lord) and I started trying to do a better job of sharing what was going on in my life and heart.

The Lord was very kind to allow me to go home and take care of my dad during the last 10 weeks of his life. I know that is what my dad would have wanted (he loved having his girls around) and the Lord was so generous to give that to him. I was his primary caretaker during those days. It was the hardest thing I have ever experienced. My dad suffered a great deal and I saw things I’d rather not remember, but God’s grace was sufficient for those times (2 Corinthians 12:9). He always gave me the needed strength for each day, despite my faint heart and weak knees (Psalm 61:2). Now that it is all over, my mind is trying to process what just took place. In the moment, you just do what needs to be done with little thought, but now that things have slowed down, my mind is trying to get a handle on these last three months, and emotional/physical/spiritual exhaustion has set in. I feel like I could sleep for days.

I have to be careful, though. I realize I must allow myself time to grieve and process, but, at the same time, I have to be very careful what I am thinking about. It is easy to get lost in thought. I could probably think for hours about all that just happened, but I don’t think that’s good or healthy – especially if I am just thinking about the pain and turmoil that has marked my life as of late. So I have to be extra vigilant about taking thoughts captive (2 Corinthians 10:5). It is better to reflect on the situation, look for God’s goodness in it, and give Him thanks, or choose to think about the happy times with my dad instead (there are far more of those anyway) and give thanks for them.

It would be easy to question God during this time. Many of the prayers that were lifted up on behalf of my dad were not answered the way we hoped and desired. The answer from heaven was a continual “no” when it came to his healing and such. God was set on taking him Home. We received continual bad news from when he was diagnosed with cancer last November. So, again, I have to be careful. It would be easy to distrust or question God. But it is not like He was silent. Far from it. The peace and presence of Christ was continually with our family. He provided for us in every way and gave us some very, very sweet times with my dad. In fact, my dad was conscious and could communicate up to the last hours of his life. That is a priceless gift from God. My dad could have easily slipped into a coma hours and hours before he passed, but God did not allow that. And because He didn’t, many people in our family got to say their final goodbyes to him. God's kindness has been very evident throughout all this and I must remind myself of Romans 8:28 every time I am tempted to resent His hard dealings with my family. Many good things have come from my dad's death and continue to come from it because it is all orchestrated by a very good God.

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

Furthermore, God’s timing was so perfect. In fact, it was too perfect to not be orchestrated by Him. The Lord delayed my application to serve overseas until right before I went home. Also, when I went home in June is when my dad really started to deteriorate. The Family Medical Leave Act allows one to be gone from work for 12 weeks. I checked in with my employer every two weeks, so when it was time for my 10th week check-in, I sought the Lord on whether I should quit my job and stay in Missouri or return to Louisville. I sensed him telling me to do the latter, and I knew then He was going to take my dad. My dad passed away exactly a week later, which was a week and a half before I was supposed to return to Louisville. The Lord’s timing is perfect.

Below is a video of my dad singing. This was recorded on his 60th birthday, June 23rd of this year, the day Kristi and I came home to take care of Dad. He was in a lot of pain that day, but he got out his guitar and praised Jesus despite the pain. We could learn from him. Enjoy.

His Eye is on the Sparrow

As for me, I am poor and needy,
but the Lord takes thought for me. Psalm 40:17

What is man that you are mindful of him,
and the son of man that you care for him? Psalm 8:4

Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows. Luke 12:6-7

These verses came to my mind one evening while I was on a walk. It is when I do some of my best thinking, and the Lord is so kind to give me those times. There are no distractions (besides those of my own mind), and I am in the midst of God’s beautiful creation. I mean, who wouldn’t want to go on a walk with this as a backdrop?!

These days people, out of concern, often ask me, “How are you doing?” And I honestly don’t know how to answer them. None of the usual replies seem sufficient. For the most part I am doing okay (which is how I wind up responding). The Lord has been gracious to give me the strength needed for each day and has given me His indescribable peace. He is very kind to give me the morning time to spend with Him to prepare for the day ahead. And, let me tell you, I need this time alone with Him. Spending time with Jesus is the only reason why I am doing as well as I am in the middle of all of this horror. But it’s not like I don’t have my days (like yesterday) where I am tired and weary and hurting and overwhelmed and, well, just plain broken.

I have a lot on my shoulders and, most of the time, I don’t feel the weight of it all, which I guess is another one of God’s many graces. Every day presents a new challenge and trial, and I wear many hats to do the things that need to get done. Usually the response of others to what I am going through helps me see a glimpse of the magnitude, but I suppose I won’t really realize the full weight until after it’s lifted. At least that is how it was in South Asia. The burden of living in a different culture, learning a new language, and being surrounded by spiritual darkness weighed heavily on my shoulders, but I didn’t realize it while I was living in the midst of it. It wasn’t until after I returned to the States that I sensed that a burden had lifted, and I felt “lighter.”

A lot has happened these past few years, especially this year – much of it unpleasant – that the Lord has used to grow and change me. I am not the same as I used to be even back when I graduated from seminary in 2010. The bitter circumstances have left their wounds, but, most significantly, the Lord has used them to strengthen my faith, clarify my priorities, deepen my trust in Jesus, grow me in the knowledge of God’s Word, and refine me. And He did this all through brokenness. I am learning that that is His master tool. Only when we are broken and humble before Him can His glory and greatness shine through. Brokenness is where He does some of His greatest work. And, trust me, my independent-self needed some breaking and refining. I used to consider myself a pretty compassionate person, but the Lord has worked some tenderness into my heart through all this that wasn’t there before. It doesn’t take much to make my eyes well up with tears anymore. Seeing anyone who is in some kind of emotional pain or who is grieving sends a piercing pain through my heart. I mean, I can barely watch anything even remotely sad on TV now without tearing up. MASH, The Waltons, Up (yep, even a cartoon), and The Lord of the Rings, have all done their part in making the tears fall. This is not like me, at least the old me, but I guess it is now. The Lord tells us to be tenderhearted (Ephesians 4:32; 1 Peter 3:8; cf. Colossians 12:3), which doesn’t come naturally so the Spirit works it into our hearts through the circumstances God brings to help us obey this command.

As usual, the Lord meets me where I am. He wounds, but He also heals (Hosea 6:1). He has brought a few songs into my life this week to remind me that nothing is wasted. Every ounce of everything He has allowed into my life is preparing for me a glory I cannot even conceive of with my mind (1 Corinthians 2:9). It will be better than I can imagine (Ephesians 3:20). The weight that I referred to, both the big and small, is doing something unseen and majestic. It is preparing for me a particular weight of glory beyond all comparison that will make all of these trials, all of this suffering, “light and momentary” (2 Corinthians 2:16-18; cf. John Piper’s sermon on this text). Indeed, I am poor and needy, but my Lord takes thought for me and His thought is to do me good both now and forever.

What no eye has seen, nor ear heard,
nor the heart of man imagined,
what God has prepared for those who love him. 1 Corinthians 2:9

Good People Don’t Go to Heaven

Good people don’t go to heaven. This truth has been bouncing around in my head for several weeks now. I realize it is a scandalous statement that goes against everything we believe as humans, especially humans living in the American culture, but, according to the Word of God, it is true. I cannot tell you the number of people who have told me in recent weeks that they are “good people” or that someone they know is a “good person” when talking to them about their status with God. And, by human and societal standards, I suppose they are good. In fact, I used to believe the very same thing about myself before Jesus saved me and showed me otherwise. God’s Word, however, tells us something very different:

As it is written:
“None is righteous, no, not one;
no one understands;
no one seeks for God.
All have turned aside; together they have become worthless;
no one does good,
not even one.” Romans 3:10-11 (cf. Psalm 14:1-3; 53:1-3)

No one is good except God alone. Mark 10:18; Luke 18:19

Whether doctor, factory worker, homemaker, strip-club dancer, or whatever, each one thinks, “I’m a good person.” And, sure, compared to somebody else, we might be “good,” but not compared to God. He is perfect. He is the definition of good. These two men say it well:

“The terrible condition of man’s heart will never be recognized by people who assess it only in relation to other people…our depravity is a condition in relation to God primarily, and only secondarily in relation to man. This is the great awakening that needs to happen for people to see the extent of their sin and the greatness of the Savior.” John Piper, “Whatever is Not from Faith is Sin – Really?”

We should not be surprised that the secular world confuses sinners and sociopaths, prison and hell. Christians, however, must understand the differences. One need not be a monster, by human definition, to go to hell. The sinfulness of “normal” humanity is quite enough for that. But there are monsters among us, and Ariel Castro’s crimes and his lack of moral understanding put him in that category as well.” Dr. Mohler’s blog post, “'‘I Am Not a Monster’ – Ariel Castro as Sinner and Sociopath”

God is the essence of perfection and so is His standard. He requires perfection. You don’t have to be a sociopath to be deserving of hell. You need only to be a sinner, and we all qualify for that. So where does that leave us? I haven’t met anyone who says they are perfect. Usually they say, “Well, I’m not perfect…” But that’s the standard and absolutely no one meets it. No one. We all offend God in more ways that we could ever realize and He requires those who offend Him to be punished. So what do we do? What can we do? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

We have all become like one who is unclean,
and all our righteous deeds are like a polluted garment.
We all fade like a leaf,
and our iniquities, like the wind, take us away. Isaiah 64:6

All of our righteous deeds, our good deeds – the ones we depend on to outweigh our bad deeds and make us right with God – these deeds are like dirty, soiled rags to God. They are worthless and they earn us nothing in His sight; nothing, that is, but death.

For there is no distinction: for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, Romans 3:23

For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 6:23

BUT. Did you notice the “but” in that last verse? We cannot do anything to make ourselves good, to make ourselves right with God, to save ourselves from His anger and fury. But God can. As Pastor Bryan said last week, “A good God came to be good for us.” He so loved the world that He gave His Son Jesus Christ to die for us, to take our punishment, so that whoever believes in Jesus will have eternal life (John 3:16). They are set free and declared not guilty. The perfect record of Jesus Christ, who obeyed God completely and loved others perfectly, becomes ours, and He becomes our sin and takes our punishment (2 Corinthians 5:21). This is how we become “good” in God’s sight. C.S. Lewis calls it “the great exchange.” You can spend your whole live serving others, but you won’t pay off the debt you owe to God. You can go to church every week, but that still won’t cut it. You can give all your money to the poor, but that won’t work either. You can be a very moral person, but it gets you nowhere. God sets the standard, and His standard is perfection. And He sets the terms, and the term is that we turn from our sins and believe in His Son Jesus Christ who loved us and gave His life for us so that we may live (Ephesians 5:2). There is no other name under heaven by which we can be saved (Acts 4:12). He is the only way. This is good news! This is a good God. This is how you can be good in God’s eyes. Repent and believe and be saved.

Enclosed by the Everlasting Arms

The eternal God is your dwelling place,
and underneath are the everlasting arms. Deuteronomy 33:27a

It’s hard to put into words these past few weeks. The days have been long and tiring and filled with one trial after another, but the Lord has so strengthened me by His grace and given me His unexplainable peace and joy. Sometimes I almost feel guilty that I am not doing worse than I am considering the circumstances, but that’s the power of God’s sustaining grace. It is nothing in me, not at all. I would have collapsed under the weight of my life if not for Jesus Christ. And the primary way that the Lord Jesus has been sustaining me and my family is through His people, through the Church. We have been lovingly bombarded with emails, phone calls, text messages, meals (compliments of Meadow Heights Church), money, and even flowers (sent by my sweet coworkers in the President’s Office). Most importantly, though, and most powerfully, God has used the innumerous prayers of His people to carry us through these difficult days.

Another way that God has sustained us that is just as important and just as powerful is His Word. I am always amazed at how His Word always comes at just the right time. Sermons, devotionals, daily Bible reading, Scripture passages given to us by others – all of these things are exactly what my family and I have needed to hear and, often, the same Scripture verses are interwoven throughout all these various means. The Word of God has indescribable and mysterious power to speak directly to our specific circumstances and bring the kind of inner healing and comfort nothing and no one else can.

I have been trying to take each day one at a time and deal with each situation as it comes, but sometimes I see the magnitude of my current life circumstances and I am overwhelmed. Last week everything seemed to happen at once: I had a gallbladder attack and had to have surgery to remove it; while I was in the hospital, my mom took my dad to another hospital because he had been throwing up for three days; two of our three cars are having problems…even the cat has been limping. I am not one that thinks there is a demon behind every bush, but it really seems like our family is under attack from the enemy. But what he means for evil, God designs for good, and it is ultimately God who has allowed these circumstances into our lives for His good purposes, which are yet to be revealed and which I don't even pretend to understand.

Our circumstances darkened this week. My dad was scheduled to have surgery to remove a partial blockage and his gallbladder, but when the surgeon cut him open, he saw that he has many partial blockages and that the cancer has pretty much taken over his abdomen and intestinal system. He wound up not doing anything as planned, but instead inserted a tube in his stomach to use as a kind of pressure/overflow valve to help prevent vomiting. Then came the dreaded word: Hospice. They are calling in hospice next week.

I am so thankful that the Lord has settled in my mind the truths of His sovereignty and goodness in the difficult years leading up to this. I know for a fact that God is sovereign and good and those weighty truths have been a source of comfort and stability in the midst of this storm. But hard days do lie ahead. I mean, how do you prepare for someone leaving you for good, someone that has been a part of your whole life, when even now just walking into his bedroom makes me burst into tears…

It’s the unknown, I guess, that is the most scary. Kind of like with my recent surgery. I was not afraid of the actual surgery, but it was the pain I would experience afterward that made me a little apprehensive. It would be a pain I had not experienced before. It’s the same with this. I am not as afraid of the actual death of my dad, as much as of the pain that will follow with the empty shirts and the broken-down cars and when I need advice…How do you prepare for that?! The same way we prepare for anything: giving thanks, praying always, and trusting the Lord; taking each day one at a time, remembering that His mercies are new every morning, and that His grace is sufficient for anything and everything that comes.

But this I call to mind,
and therefore I have hope:
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“therefore I will hope in him.”
The Lord is good to those who wait for him,
to the soul who seeks him.
It is good that one should wait quietly
for the salvation of the Lord. Lamentations 3:21-26