Where to Set Your Hope

And now, O Lord, for what do I wait?
My hope is in you. Psalm 39:7

It has been about 10 years since I sensed God calling me to serve Him overseas. Yet here I am still in the United States, learning much, being further prepared and refined, waiting to be deployed. After struggling with the idea of leaving my family and the familiarity and comfort of life in Southeast Missouri (not to mention the United States) and talking to my pastor and telling my parents, I surrendered to the Lord’s beckoning and began to seek Him for the next step. My reluctance quickly changed to eagerness to pack up and go. But that wasn’t the next step that God had for me. I mean, I was to pack up and go, but it wasn’t to go to a foreign country; it was to move to Louisville, Kentucky, for further schooling. I didn’t know it at the time, but I had a lot to learn (and unlearn). So the Lord led me to Louisville to study at Southern Seminary and, as much as I wanted to be done with school, I absolutely loved my time at Southern.

When I graduated 3 years ago (where does the time go?!), I thought, “Finally. It’s time to go.” So I started the application process to serve abroad. Yet here I am still in Louisville, Kentucky. I still had (have) much to learn (and relearn), but this time the lessons came outside of a formal education. The classroom this time was life and Jesus walked (and carried) me through some of the most difficult years of my life in order to humble me and test me; to teach me to hunger for Him and depend on Him and feed from His Word (Deuteronomy 8:2-5).

Looking back, I can see the Lord's great wisdom and kindness in keeping me in the States as He has. There is no doubt that I am where I am supposed to be in this moment. For how long, I do not know, but the Lord continues to tell me to wait. And so that is what I will do until I receive my marching orders. Even though just a few months ago, I thought I might be leaving soon, God has made it clear that that is not the plan for the immediate future. There are several things happening in my life that make it clear that I should wait: my mom's health, my sister's engagement, something else (or should I say someone) that has entered my life...

Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12

So why I am rambling about and recounting all this? It’s because it is so easy to shift my hope, my aim, as I seek to follow the Lord and be obedient to what I believe He has called me to. It’s so easy to place my hope in the plan He may have for me or in circumstances or in relationships or in whatever I think God may be doing instead of in God Himself. But the truth is every single other thing will disappoint. Every single one. People disappoint. Ministry is hard. Plans get derailed. Circumstances change. But Christ is a sure foundation and hope. He will never disappoint. Sure, those who long for His coming may feel the reality of the proverb above, but they are still assured that it will be realized. Every other hope that is deferred will make our heart sick, but also sad and given to despair because all hope apart from Christ is not guaranteed.

The Lord has been reminding me of this lately. I can become so discontent with my job as I greatly desire to be in full-time ministry. I can become so frustrated with all the seemingly endless roadblocks to going overseas. I can become so weary in trusting God for direction. I can become so faint in praying and believing for my mom’s healing. I can become so impatient in waiting for things to unfold. But none of those things are the ultimate foundation and end goal of my hope (though I lose sight of that at times). I am not to pin my hope on full-time ministry or serving God overseas or in the prospect of marriage. None of which are bad desires in and of themselves, but they all point to something greater. The fulfillment of them can satisfy for a time. They may add to the tree of life mentioned in the proverb above, but they are not the tree of life. They do not give life; only Christ does that. He IS life. In the Christian life, Hope is a Person and His name is Jesus Christ. The Apostle Peter tells us believers to set our hope fully on Christ (1 Peter 1:13). He alone can satisfy completely and endlessly. Ministry and overseas service and marriage find their meaning and purpose and aim in Him. “For from Him and to Him and through Him are all things” (Romans 11:36).

So the verse I started this post with rings true. “And now, O Lord, for what do I wait?” In actuality I am waiting on a lot: direction, clarity, confirmation, my mom’s healing, fruit in ministry, Jesus’ return/going to be with Him…But what I’m waiting on doesn’t really matter ultimately. God is working out all the details of fulfillment when it comes to those things. And as I wait for Him to act instead of looking to the circumstances themselves, He promises to give me strength (Psalm 40:31). So then what am I really waiting for? Because “my hope is in You.” I need not wait on them, but on Him. These other things pale in comparison to knowing Jesus and being known my Him. It’s hard to keep that truth central and my focus where it should be, but this should be the aim and foundation of my life and I pray continually that it is. 

Whom have I in heaven but you?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. Psalm 73:25

Jesus, make this true of me.

Two things: My mom is visiting me and my sister for a week!

Also, today marks the 6th month since my dad’s passing. If you don’t mind, please say a quick prayer for me and my family. 

The Weight of Beauty

Obesophobia or Pocrescophobia = the fear of gaining weight

I recently saw an article about the high percentage of teenage girls who have a fear of gaining weight. The article called this fear “weight terror,” but it’s technical phobia name is above (which I just Googled to find out). I know this fear all too well. It’s been about ten years since I found myself in the midst of a struggle with what the psychological word calls a subclinical eating disorder. I have already written some about this, but this article as well as some other readings have prompted me to reflect on how the Lord rescued me from a prison of disordered eating – a prison I had unwittingly created for myself. And, honestly, there are still times I am tempted to fall into those old patterns of thinking; patterns that lead to nothing but destruction.

There are many heart issues and sinful desires that prompt and propel eating disorders. Most of the time you hear of women talk about wanting more control in their lives, and food and weight seem to be the only area of their lives where they seem like they have control. But that is not the case for all who struggle with their body image and that was not the case with me. Mine stemmed from an intense fear of becoming fat, which is no doubt a fruit of pride and fear of man, but was fueled by the standards of beauty in our culture and the standards of beauty in my own family. Even though my dad never directed any comments toward me regarding my looks or my weight, I took his comments regarding the weights of people on TV or people in real life to heart. Whether consciously or subconsciously, I took those comments to mean one thing: to be fat means losing my dad’s approval (and the approval of others). My dad had no idea he was sending this message with his comments and my sister didn’t pick up on that same message, but for some reason I did and it influenced the way I saw myself and the standards I set for myself regarding food, my weight, and my body image.

This is not to say that people who struggle with weight/food/body image are not responsible for their actions. We are. We may not be responsible for the messages we receive or the pressure we feel to be thin or look a certain way, but we are responsible to how we react, what we do with what we hear and feel. We are responsible for the priority we place of food and weight. We are responsible for making it our idol and letting it consume us. And consume us it will if God and others do not intervene.

Some were fools through their sinful ways,
and because of their iniquities suffered affliction;
they loathed any kind of food,
and they drew near to the gates of death.
Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble,
and he delivered them from their distress.
He sent out his word and healed them,
and delivered them from their destruction.
Let them thank the Lord for his steadfast love,
for his wondrous works to the children of man!
And let them offer sacrifices of thanksgiving,
and tell of his deeds in songs of joy! Psalm 107:17-22

It is no secret that thinness is one of the standards of beauty in our culture (and in much of the Western, developed world). Models, Hollywood, and even cartoon characters all praise women who have tiny waists. Skinniness and other standards of beauty in our culture are exploited at almost every turn: billboards, commercials, magazine ads, etc. Each one sends a message to both men and women. Scantily clad women abound in our culture, each presenting the woman’s body as an object to be desired or exploited or coveted. One of the many ills of feminism I suppose. Men are not the only ones affected by such sexualized ads; women also are affected. We are presented with a standard that is impossible to attain. I cannot compete with the women in advertisements, but, then again, neither can the models who are actually in the advertisements. The truth is that the printed images are lies. The women in those ads have been airbrushed and photoshopped to perfection. They are thinner and tanner; they’re blemishes and cellulite and stretch marks have been erased; their eyes have been widened and their legs lengthened. Even they cannot compete with their own falsified images. But that is the standard of beauty nonetheless and every woman, to some extent, feels the pressure to conform to it.

But those are the things that are seen. The Bible tells us to focus on what is unseen. The Bible gives and lifts up a different standard for women; one that focuses on a woman’s dignity and character. There are many women in the Bible who are described as being beautiful (Sarah, Rebekah, Bathsheba, Esther, etc.), but it is their character that gives them true beauty. This inner beauty is what God invites women to strive for and men to look for. External beauty pales in comparison (and is temporary anyway).

Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear—but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. 1 Peter 3:3-4

So, once again, our culture and our world have the focus all wrong. And I suppose the marring of and exploitation of beauty will only grow worse as our society continues to lose its moral compass (because how can you focus on the unseen, inner beauty when you don't even have a standard of what is truly good and lovely and right?). Outer beauty is fleeting. Standards of beauty change. But God’s Word never changes; it abides forever (1 Peter 1:24-25). And God’s Word says that God looks at the heart (1 Samuel 16:7) and that beauty is vain (Proverbs 31:30) and that cultivating inner beauty is precious to the Lord (1 Peter 3:4). The world looks at the outer appearance, but the Lord looks at the inward disposition of the heart. The former passes away like the flower of the field, but the latter remains forever when it is a heart truly given over to and made new by Christ.

Exciting News!

Kristi and James :: Engaged! February 14, 2014

“Ears You Have Dug for Me”

This world is broken. I hear/read about it every day. I experience it in ministry. I see it in my own heart. The world is broken. People are broken. I am broken.

I am broken and I have been broken (Hosea 6:1). The Lord has done a lot in my life over the last three years to bring me to where I am now. Even though I would not want to relive the heartaches, pains, and disappointments of the last few years, I wouldn’t trade the lessons for anything. God knows the best way to get the attention of each of His children. Out of a heart of compassion and mercy, He sometimes allows His people to experience suffering and difficult times to refine them, increase their faith, and reveal even more of Himself to them. These have been some of the results I have seen in my own life.

It is good for me that I was afflicted,
that I might learn your statutes…
If your law had not been my delight,
I would have perished in my affliction. Psalm 119:71, 92

I noticed during my time in South Asia, as I was teaching ESL to Muslims who opposed the truth of Christ, that the Lord was deepening my faith in His Word. It was an inner strength I could feel building within me as I defended God’s Truth and based my life on His Word. This conviction only deepened during the hardships I later faced and I have seen the mercy of God use it to give me a boldness and firmness when sharing the gospel that I had never had before. I believe this firmness and boldness is a direct result of all that God has allowed me to go through recently. It is a result of being forced to depend on God for everything; of realizing that I am not self-sufficient and that I need Him for everything – truths I knew mentally but wasn’t living out in my day-to-day life. But one of God’s many graces is that He does not let us live in self-deception; believing the lie that we are okay the way we are. He brings our sins to the forefront so that we might turn from them and experience more of the “abundant life” that He offers us in Christ (John 10:10). This abundant life does not necessarily mean a life of material things or comfort and ease, but one that is living in intimate communion with the Lord of the universe—Jesus Christ. He is Life and Freedom and Joy and the source of every good thing (James 1:17). And the way to know Him intimately is through His Word, the Bible.

Your words were found, and I ate them,
and your words became to me a joy
and the delight of my heart,
for I am called by your name,
O Lord, God of hosts. Jeremiah 15:16

And so through my time in South Asia and recent trials, the words of God have become to me a joy and the delight of my heart – just as the Prophet Jeremiah said above. I love God’s Word. It is the primary way in which God speaks to me and it is the foundation of all I do and believe. It is the only absolute truth (1 Peter 1:24-25) and tells us all we need to know about God, ourselves, our world, and how we can be saved from the punishment we deserve (2 Timothy 3:16-17). The Word of God is food for my soul; indeed, it is more important than the food I eat. I can go longer without food than without Scripture. My soul begins to shrivel rather quickly if I go more than one day without feasting on God’s Word.

And he humbled you and let you hunger and fed you with manna, which you did not know, nor did your fathers know, that he might make you know that man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. Deuteronomy 8:3

But feeding on God’s Word does not happen by accident. It takes intentionality and discipline. It also take the help of the Lord (remember: we are dependent upon Him for everything). He gives us the desire and will. He – as the psalmist says – opens our ear to hear and understand His Word (Psalm 40:6; also Job 33:16). Literally in the Hebrew the phrase “open ear” means “ears you have dug for me.” I like that imagery. Sometimes God’s digs ears for us through affliction (like Psalm 119:71 above) or trials or other circumstances. We may have physical ears, but Jesus has to give us spiritual ears so that we can hear His voice, understand His words – ears trained to contain His truth and long for His truth. That is why I think the imagery of digging works so well. Our spiritual ears must be opened and dug deep to contain the greatness of God’s Word. I guess God could just open our ears in an instant…but I doubt we would treasure His Word so much without the journey it takes to make us depend upon and treasure His Word. We (or maybe it’s just me) usually don’t learn the lesson of dependence easily.

So this year I have decided to read through the Bible using a chronological reading plan. I also plan to study the book of Psalms in depth (because I need more than just four chapters a day). I encourage you to make a plan for reading the Bible this year as well if you haven’t already. It’s only January 19th, so it’s not too late to start. You won’t regret it. I promise. :)

2014: His Purposes Will Ripen Fast

Last year when I was writing my blog post reflecting on 2012 and looking forward to 2013, I titled it “Trust Him for His Grace.” When I wrote that I had in mind trusting God for good things, pleasant circumstances, a better year. But the Lord had something different in mind. The title still deemed to prove true, though; just in a different respect. This year proved to be much harder than 2012, but God’s grace was just as sufficient. The dependence I had learned in the previous year only deepened as this year slowly unfolded. And while the circumstances didn’t lighten or become favorable (indeed, they grew quite grim), Christ was still very much present and still very much in control. In fact, the details of the events were too perfect to not to have been ordained by God.

By sovereign grace, He places you in daily, little moments that are designed to take you beyond your character, wisdom, and grace so that you will seek the help and hope that can only be found in Him. In a lifelong process of change, He is undoing you and rebuilding you again — exactly what each one of us needs. Paul Tripp, “Trading One Dramatic Resolution for 10,000 Little Ones”

So God is constantly at work in each of our lives. Nothing escapes His notice and nothing catches Him by surprise. Everything in our lives in under His sovereign control and He has loving and just purposes for everything He allows to happen. Nothing is arbitrary or random. There is no such thing as luck or fortune or happenstance. Jesus Christ is intimately involved in every detail, upholding all things by the word of His power (Hebrews 1:3). And for those who are believers, this involvement is for our good. I find much hope and comfort and strength in that. Nothing in my life is random; all of it is totally meaningful because Jesus Christ is risen and reigning and ruling over my life in such as way as to make all things work together for my good and, ultimately, to make me more like Himself (Romans 8:28-29). This is His will for me and every other believer.

So Jesus will continue His work of “undoing me and rebuilding me again” as this new year unfolds. The circumstances will look different, but the purposes remain the same. I have no idea what kind of joys and heartaches await me in 2014, but Christ does and His grace is more than sufficient for every one of them. As this new year begins, I have many things to pray about and consider. The Lord has had me in this waiting period for several years now and it seems that His plans and purposes for the next phase of my life are about to be revealed. So, as I look to 2014, I am going to continue the William Cowper theme from last year. The speed at which things are progressing regarding the near future and the decisions I need to make regarding them, lead me to believe that God's purposes are going to ripen fast. I don’t even pretend know what those purposes are (because they are usually far different than I expect), but I feel pretty sure that God is fixing to unveil them...and I'm pretty excited about that. 

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust Him for His grace;
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.
His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flower. William Cowper, “God Moves in Mysterious Ways”

Joy Has Come!

O come, Thou Day-Spring, come and cheer
Our spirits by Thine advent here
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night
And death's dark shadows put to flight.

One of my all-time favorite Christmas carols is  “O Come, Come Emmanuel.” I think no song captures the spirit of anticipation and longing that the Advent season is supposed to be about than this one. As I listened to or sung the song this year, these few words stood out to me: cheer our spirits. And isn’t that exactly what Jesus did? He entered our gloomy, sin-wracked world as a fragile baby in order to die a death that we deserved so that we could have the thing for which we were created and for which we desperately long (whether we realize it or not): a relationship with God. Or to put it another way: so that we can have JOY in God. Because before Jesus came to rescue us (from our sin and from God’s anger), we did not and could not enjoy God, and He could not enjoy us because of our sins (Isaiah 59:2; John 3:36). But when Jesus came, He brought life and peace and joy and freedom. Apart from Him, none of these things are ours in their fullest sense.

I think these lyrics stood out to me this year because God has been drawing my attention to the word JOY in the Bible (or some variation of the word), which appears quite frequently (177 times in the ESV). I mean, I have been listening to and reading John Piper for years and one of his main themes is joy in God. He says that “God's glory [is] exalted in our everlasting joy” and that “God is plotting for our joy.” But, as much as I have read/heard these words and believed them, I feel like I am just now starting to grasp this concept.

Jesus Christ is JOY.  He came to not only reveal true peace and true life to us, but to show us what true joy is and to make a way for us to have it. He came to bring true and lasting joy; not the temporary joy we are so used to. Apart from Christ, we can have glimpses of happiness and joy, but they are just shadows of the true. We only think we have joy until we experience the ultimate joy that is found only in God. That is where Jesus’ joy came from. He was in perfect fellowship with the Father, so even though He was called a “Man of Sorrows” (Isaiah 53:3), he could say, “These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full” (John 15:11). He had a perfect, intimate relationship with His Father (John 10:30, 17:11, 21) and He greatly delighted to do His Father’s will (John 5:30, 8:28, 15:10). Jesus could be joyful despite the sorrows and the suffering because He looked to the unseen (2 Corinthians 4:16-17). He knew that the Father was working out a plan that was far greater than His momentary suffering (Romans 8:28). That is why He could leave His rightful place in heaven and humble Himself to the point of death on a cross, because He was focused on the JOY that awaited Him (Hebrews 12:2; Philippians 2:5-11).

And that is how we as believers can have joy to in the midst of whatever circumstances we find ourselves in. Whether you find yourself this Christmas delighting in the sights and sounds of the seasons, or wishing this time of year would pass you by (or somewhere in between), true joy is available to you if you are in Christ.

You make known to me the path of life;
in your presence there is fullness of joy;
at your right hand are pleasures forevermore. Psalm 16:11

In the presence of God there is fullness, or completeness, of JOY. And God promises that His presence is always with His people (Matthew 28:20), which means that JOY is always available to us as believers. That is why James can exhort us to “count it all joy” no matter what circumstances we may face (James 1:2) and why Paul can say that all of our present suffering is not worth comparing to what awaits us (Romans 8:18). No matter what, we have God. No matter what, we can still rejoice in Him. Because no matter what, He is at work for His glory and our everlasting JOY. Because no matter what, nothing can separate us from His love (Romans 8:37-39). This is “good news of great joy” (Luke 2:10). Jesus has come and through His life, death, and resurrection, we can know life and peace and joy. We can know God.  

Now to him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you blameless before the presence of his glory with great joy, to the only God, our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion, and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen. Jude 24-25

This is the God who came to us so long ago. To Him be the glory forever. Rejoice, rejoice with me for Emmanuel (which means "God with us") has come!

 Merry Christmas!

It’s Christmastime

I have to admit that I am a little excited about Christmas this year. The past two Christmases have been rather difficult and unpleasant (2011 and 2012), so Christmas had kind of lost its spark for me. It no longer symbolized the fun and relaxing times it used too. But this year is different. I think because the last two have been so different and because this year has been so hard, I see Christmas this year as a chance for kind of a fresh start. I know it will still be painful and bittersweet, but it also gives me, my sister, and my mom an opportunity to celebrate Christmas in a new and better way as compared to the two previous years.

But while Christmas has lost a lot of its holiday flavor for me, it has gained much theological meaning for me. In a way, it is almost fitting that some of my hardest times have come at Christmas because the first Christmas was hard. Yes, there was much rejoicing. Heaven rejoiced greatly as they saw God’s plan of redemption beginning to unfold at the birth of the long-awaited Messiah, God’s very Son (Luke 2:14). And, yes, there is always much joy surrounding the birth of a new baby. But this no-name couple of little means and little reputation had just traveled hundreds of miles to a small town, by themselves, with the help of a donkey. Oh, and the young woman was very, very pregnant. They knew God was up to something great – given the miracle of this virgin’s pregnancy – but they didn’t know exactly what and they didn’t know how it would all pan out. I am sure they were afraid, anxious, apprehensive, and confused at times, but they still obeyed in the midst of the unknowns. The first Christmas was not all roses – far from it – but there was still much to rejoice about even in the midst of such adversity. Maybe this is what the true Christmas spirit is really supposed to be.

Kristi and I have continued our fairly-recent tradition of preparing our hearts for Christmas. What began as just reading the accounts of Jesus' birth found in Matthew and Luke a few days before Christmas has now extended to participate in the season known as "Advent" (starting the first Sunday in December and continuing to Christmas Day). This year we are using a devotional based on Christmas songs so it’s added the interesting dynamic of singing into our devotionals. It isn’t as meaty theologically as the one last year (John Piper’s Good News of Great Joy), but it is serving its purpose of pointing us to Christ and His coming. The Lord usually shows me something new about His coming each year and this year is no exception, but I’ll save that for a future post.

"It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas..."

 So even though I have been gearing up for Christmas in different ways – hosting two parties, decorating our apartment (beyond mine and Kristi’s usual hang-a-stocking-on-our-bedroom-doors tradition), listening to Christmas music constantly (also a new thing for me; I even bought a CD this year) – it's hard to believe that Christmas is only ten days away. I am not sure what Christmas will look like this year, but I am trusting God for good things and looking forward to Him making it "new" (Revelation 21:5) for me and my family.