Reflections on a Year Ago :: Marriage

Photo credit: Sarah Mesa Photography

A year ago yesterday Daniel and I got married. It’s crazy to think it’s been a year since we committed our lives to each other and I traded my name for his, but, then again, so much has happened that it's also not that unbelievable.

Our first year of marriage was, in a word, grace-filled (or is that two words?). The Lord has been so incredibly generous to pour so much grace and love into our marriage. Sometimes I wonder if there is something wrong with us as a couple because we rarely disagree. It could be our temperaments. It could be our desire to please the other. But I really believe it’s the Lord. He alone can create the peace and grace we’ve experienced in our relationship to date.

Though, don’t get me wrong, we have had our share of apologizing and compromising and forgiving. We have had miscommunications and conflicting desires. We have sinned against each other. But these have been, with God’s help, easily and quickly worked through, and we have been growing in communication through them (me especially).

One of the things I expected in marriage was that God would use it as a means of sanctification in each of our lives. By living in such a intimate relationship, our selfishness and pride has many opportunities to express itself. What I did not expect, however, was how the Lord would use Daniel in my life to expose, in greater depths, my desire to please others (especially him) and my desire to appear as though I have it all together (which is hard to do when you're having an almost weekly emotional meltdown due to all the stressers in life).

Photo credit: Sarah Mesa Photography

Not only was I still grieving the loss of my dad and still reeling from all the changes, but – and this is what I didn’t expect – I saw how much I fell short every day. You see, before I got married I would have considered myself a pretty competent person. But then I married my husband, who is extremely competent and does almost everything well (now I know he’s not perfect, but sometimes he comes pretty close!). All of a sudden, I saw how incompetent I was. It seemed like I was always making mistakes or getting my facts mixed up. It was very humbling – very pride-killing. Daniel never pointed out my flaws or really even noticed, but I did. I felt in a new way the weight of Romans 3:23. If I can’t even measure up to my own standards or to the standard my husband sets by his own competence and ability, then how on earth could I measure up to God’s? I can’t. The Bible tells me that. I knew it mentally. But now I felt it.

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. Romans 3:23

This was one thing I did not expect marriage to sharpen for me, but it did. God knew I needed it. He knew I needed to feel my utter dependency and need for Him. He needed to kill my self-sufficiency and self-determination. And I think that the emotional stress and chaotic circumstances along with this drove me to God in a new and deeper way. I couldn’t be the wife God called me to be without Him. I couldn’t work with special needs children without Him. I couldn’t be the church member, friend, sister, daughter – you name it – without Him. I need Jesus desperately every single day.

Photo credit: Sarah Mesa Photography

On the heels of this, though, was another lesson filled with beauty. Any time I messed up, Daniel was always willing and ready to lavish me with grace – to help me and forgive me. He never thought twice about it. He didn’t see me as a mess up. In fact, he probably couldn’t recall the things I did or said wrong. He sees me much differently than I see myself. Isn’t that a picture of Jesus? He is always willing and ready to forgive us when we come to Him and He wants to help us grow. He doesn’t recall the sin He forgives - the sin which He paid for. God doesn’t see us for the mess we really are because the perfection of Jesus covers us. He sees us much differently than we see ourselves. When we look in the mirror, we see our mistakes, imperfections, what could have been; but when Jesus looks at us, He sees us as perfect.

So although marriage has exposed my imperfections and my sinful desires, it has also revealed Jesus to me in a deeper, fuller way. I understand and experience and visibly see His love better than I ever have before. My husband loves me a lot. He tells me so and shows me so every day. But Christ loves me infinitely more. There is so much more to learn about His great love (see the Ephesians passage below), but I am thankful for this first year of marriage that has taken me deeper into it already.

Daniel, thank you for showing Jesus to me. I love you.

No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us. 1 John 4:12

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Ephesians 3:14-19