When I wrote that post, I could sense that God was about to unfold some of His plans, but I had no idea what direction He was taking me. It was a whirlwind of change that left me reeling at the end of the year and slightly unsettled. Besides lavishing me with His grace and guiding my every step, He also used this season of change to expose some deep-rooted sins. At the heart of them all, though, was the fact that I was not trusting Jesus’ wisdom or love or goodness. I was clinging to my own preconceived notions of what my life should look like with a tight fist as God began breaking me down piece by piece, exposing a heart full of fear and pride and doubt.
But God is a compassionate and loving heavenly Father who knows perfectly how to discipline and redirect and guide and encourage His children (Hebrews 12:5-11). He does not delight in causing us grief (Lamentations 3:32-33), but He does know that sometimes He has to break us down in order to built us back up (Hosea 6:1). I am not pretending that I have “arrived” as far as being broken down or that I’m now in the building-back-up phase; but I do believe that this is what the Lord is currently doing in my life. And with it, He has been slowly bringing me back to who He is and what He has done, to His incomprehensible love and grace.
One of the biggest joys of 2014, of course, was that God answered my prayers for a husband, proving that His timing and will is perfect. He brought Daniel into my life last November and we went on our first date beginning on New Year’s Eve and ending in the wee hours of the morning on New Year’s Day (so one year ago today). Jesus’ grace is so evident in the man that He chose to be my husband; bringing someone into my life that was abundantly more than I could have imagined or hoped for (Ephesians 3:20).
With marriage came many changes all at once (moving, new job, new church, new responsibilities), but the most difficult is the obscurity of the future. I have been on the path to serve God overseas for so long, with a specific goal and vision in mind, thinking my life was going to look a certain way, but now all of that has changed. I mean, my husband and I still want to go overseas, but what that looks like could take so many forms and almost completely destroys all of my preconceived ideas. This has been hard for me. It has also been hard realizing that I am not as open to whatever God has for me as I thought I was or said I was. This is a recent realization and conviction and I am just now beginning the journey of asking the Lord for a posture of heart that is open to whatever it is He wants for us. [Though the new possibilities are exciting! ;)]
As 2014 came to a close, I struggled a lot. My poor husband had to endure my weekly breakdowns as I was wavering in my faith and struggling to look past my pain and circumstances. Underlying most of it, I believe, was the fact that I was still grieving. When the one year mark came of my dad’s death, I expected for things to be better, but instead it felt worse. I had more questions than I had before, had trouble trusting God’s wisdom in taking him, and my heart hurt incessantly. Thankfully, God brought a little booklet across my path that reassured me that this was normal (because, to make matters worse, I was down on myself for still struggling) and that I needed to allow myself to grieve (which I wasn’t doing). So I have been trying to do a better job of sharing with my husband these struggles and this pain, and he has been more than gracious and supportive through it all. Daniel has been one of God’s means of grace and comfort through all this.
What 2015 has in store, I have no clue. I pray that it is a year of tremendous growth in trusting the Lord and that He shows me how to best serve Him in this city. One thing I do know, and I’m starting to cling to, is that whatever this new year brings, good or bad, Jesus Christ is in control of it all and He has good and glorious purposes behind each and every circumstance. He who calls us is faithful and we can surely trust Him.
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11
