How Deep

Today marks the 13^th year since God saved me. But I guess that is just from my finite point of view because, according to the Bible, God chose to save me long before time even began.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption as sons [and daughters] through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved. Ephesians 1:3-6

This morning God graciously overwhelmed me with His love and presence. I have been thinking about how God chose me to be His more and more lately. I think the relationship I’m currently in has prompted this. Even though dating/marriage relationships are finite, they do mirror God’s relationship to us in some respects, and this relationship has helped me to better understand God’s choosing and loving pursuit of me. I didn’t really do anything to earn the attention and pursuit of the man I’m dating (though, unlike God, he must have seen something attractive in me). He chose to pursue me and, for some reason, keeps choosing to do so. God, on the other hand, saw me before I was created, saw that I was a rebellious sinner in whom there is nothing good (Romans 7:18), and still chose to make me His, to pursue me and save me and love me. It was not because He saw anything in me worth saving or that I did anything to earn His favor or that He even looked into the future and saw that I would follow Him (because I wouldn’t have without His initiative first – 1 John 4:19). No. There was nothing in me that prompted Him choosing me to be His. He just chose to. That is called free grace – God giving me what I do not deserve at no cost whatsoever to me. I couldn’t earn it and didn’t even know I needed it or wanted it. But He gave it and He gave it freely. I do not even pretend to get or understand this.

For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die—but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:6-8

God shows His love for us in that WHILE we were STILL sinners, He sent His Son to die for us. We are not good in and of ourselves. This is what this passage is saying. We might be willing to die for the people we love or for someone who is a good person, but the love of Christ is deeper than that. He gave His life not only for those who aren’t good (Romans 3:10-11), but for His enemies (Romans 5:10), for those who deserved His punishment and anger (John 3:36). This is like giving your live to save an Adolf Hitler or a Timothy McVey. We wouldn't do that. But the love of Christ is radical.

I realize more and more the truth that there is nothing good in me apart from Christ (Romans 7:18); that there is nothing in me to commend me to God. But the love of Christ is deep. It is deep enough to cover the deep crevices of sin that lurk in my heart (sin that I don’t even know exists). It is deep enough to cover my limited view of His grace and love. It is deep enough to cover the entirety of my life: from my first breath to my last; all my fears and failures…to cover all of me. Whatever may be my trial or temptation or lot, Christ love is deeper still. He interrupted the darkness that was my life and spoke His light into it (2 Corinthians 4:6). He specializes in such interruptions. I once was dead in my sins, following the course of this world, being ruled by the prince of the power of the air (Ephesians 2:1-2). I once was not on a path that would inherit God’s kingdom (1 Corinthians 6:9-10). I once was one who did not believe in God and disobeyed His Word (1 Peter 2:7-8). Then come the great “buts” of Scripture:

• But God, because of His great love and mercy, made me alive in Christ Jesus (Ephesians 2:5)
• But God washed me clean of sin and sanctified me and justified me in Christ by the Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 6:11)
• But God chose me as His own possession, to be a part of His chosen race (1 Peter 2:9)
• But God shows His love for me in that while I was still a sinner, Christ died for me (Romans 5:8)

The depth of the love of Christ initiates, provides for, and secures these things. This is not something I even pretend to grasp – and I think I need to be further along in my grasp of it than I am – but it is something that I pray to grow in as I continue to walk with the Lord. It is a prayer that I believe the Lord is answering.

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father…that according to the riches of his glory, he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Ephesians 3:14, 16-19

Seek & Find

You're calling me to lay aside the worries of my day
To quiet down my busy mind and find a hiding place – from the song Unashamed Love

God has been calling me to commune with Him and, to my shame, I have been rather slow in responding. I’m so easily distracted and so easily pleased. Ministry can be distracting. Relationships can be distracting. Change can be distracting. Burdens can be distracting. Anything really can be distracting. It doesn’t take much to lure my mind and affections away from Christ.

Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me.” But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.” Luke 10:40-42

Oh, how many times has the Lord applied this verse to me! Like the old hymn goes, “Prone to wander, Lord I feel it.” And I do feel it. But what’s awesome is that the Lord is never distracted. His pursuit of His children is constant. He is gentle, never forceful, but He is persistent, and He will do whatever it takes to help us to see how much we need Him.  

The Lord has been reminding me through sermons and Scripture of His desire for intimacy with me. He is not so much concerned with me serving Him as He is with me knowing Him. The former naturally and beautifully flows out of the latter. The God of the universe wants to meet with me. Whoa. Over and over we see in Scripture the command and call to seek God. “Come to Me.” “Abide in Me.” “Seek Me.” “Delight in Me.” And when we do so, He promises we’ll find Him. He promises to meet with us. He promises to give us Himself.

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. Revelation 21:3

So after becoming weary and worn and unsettled, I have finally started responding to the Lord’s call by carving out more time to spend with Him, taking thoughts captive, and meditating on His promises. I am in no way saying that this is works-based. The amount of time I spend with the Lord does not affect my standing with Him. Jesus does not favor me more or less (as hard as that is for me to grasp!) if I spend 2 hours with Him or none at all. But how can I clearly discern His voice, how can I be strengthened and refreshed in His presence, how can I abide in His love and peace, if I do not seek His face, soak in His Word, or desire His presence? His love and favor and grace and mercy are never failing and He lavishes them upon us, but we do have a part to play. We are commanded to ”seek His presence continually” (Psalm 105:4). And we cannot do that apart from the means which God gave us; by relying on His Spirit to illumine His Word as we read it and direct our prayers as we raise them. He is worthy of us seeking Him with our whole heart. He is worthy of such attention and devotion. Our search will be rewarded. We will find Him (for He is very near - Psalm 145:18) and we will not be disappointed.

Where to Set Your Hope

And now, O Lord, for what do I wait?
My hope is in you. Psalm 39:7

It has been about 10 years since I sensed God calling me to serve Him overseas. Yet here I am still in the United States, learning much, being further prepared and refined, waiting to be deployed. After struggling with the idea of leaving my family and the familiarity and comfort of life in Southeast Missouri (not to mention the United States) and talking to my pastor and telling my parents, I surrendered to the Lord’s beckoning and began to seek Him for the next step. My reluctance quickly changed to eagerness to pack up and go. But that wasn’t the next step that God had for me. I mean, I was to pack up and go, but it wasn’t to go to a foreign country; it was to move to Louisville, Kentucky, for further schooling. I didn’t know it at the time, but I had a lot to learn (and unlearn). So the Lord led me to Louisville to study at Southern Seminary and, as much as I wanted to be done with school, I absolutely loved my time at Southern.

When I graduated 3 years ago (where does the time go?!), I thought, “Finally. It’s time to go.” So I started the application process to serve abroad. Yet here I am still in Louisville, Kentucky. I still had (have) much to learn (and relearn), but this time the lessons came outside of a formal education. The classroom this time was life and Jesus walked (and carried) me through some of the most difficult years of my life in order to humble me and test me; to teach me to hunger for Him and depend on Him and feed from His Word (Deuteronomy 8:2-5).

Looking back, I can see the Lord's great wisdom and kindness in keeping me in the States as He has. There is no doubt that I am where I am supposed to be in this moment. For how long, I do not know, but the Lord continues to tell me to wait. And so that is what I will do until I receive my marching orders. Even though just a few months ago, I thought I might be leaving soon, God has made it clear that that is not the plan for the immediate future. There are several things happening in my life that make it clear that I should wait: my mom's health, my sister's engagement, something else (or should I say someone) that has entered my life...

Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12

So why I am rambling about and recounting all this? It’s because it is so easy to shift my hope, my aim, as I seek to follow the Lord and be obedient to what I believe He has called me to. It’s so easy to place my hope in the plan He may have for me or in circumstances or in relationships or in whatever I think God may be doing instead of in God Himself. But the truth is every single other thing will disappoint. Every single one. People disappoint. Ministry is hard. Plans get derailed. Circumstances change. But Christ is a sure foundation and hope. He will never disappoint. Sure, those who long for His coming may feel the reality of the proverb above, but they are still assured that it will be realized. Every other hope that is deferred will make our heart sick, but also sad and given to despair because all hope apart from Christ is not guaranteed.

The Lord has been reminding me of this lately. I can become so discontent with my job as I greatly desire to be in full-time ministry. I can become so frustrated with all the seemingly endless roadblocks to going overseas. I can become so weary in trusting God for direction. I can become so faint in praying and believing for my mom’s healing. I can become so impatient in waiting for things to unfold. But none of those things are the ultimate foundation and end goal of my hope (though I lose sight of that at times). I am not to pin my hope on full-time ministry or serving God overseas or in the prospect of marriage. None of which are bad desires in and of themselves, but they all point to something greater. The fulfillment of them can satisfy for a time. They may add to the tree of life mentioned in the proverb above, but they are not the tree of life. They do not give life; only Christ does that. He IS life. In the Christian life, Hope is a Person and His name is Jesus Christ. The Apostle Peter tells us believers to set our hope fully on Christ (1 Peter 1:13). He alone can satisfy completely and endlessly. Ministry and overseas service and marriage find their meaning and purpose and aim in Him. “For from Him and to Him and through Him are all things” (Romans 11:36).

So the verse I started this post with rings true. “And now, O Lord, for what do I wait?” In actuality I am waiting on a lot: direction, clarity, confirmation, my mom’s healing, fruit in ministry, Jesus’ return/going to be with Him…But what I’m waiting on doesn’t really matter ultimately. God is working out all the details of fulfillment when it comes to those things. And as I wait for Him to act instead of looking to the circumstances themselves, He promises to give me strength (Psalm 40:31). So then what am I really waiting for? Because “my hope is in You.” I need not wait on them, but on Him. These other things pale in comparison to knowing Jesus and being known my Him. It’s hard to keep that truth central and my focus where it should be, but this should be the aim and foundation of my life and I pray continually that it is. 

Whom have I in heaven but you?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. Psalm 73:25

Jesus, make this true of me.

Two things: My mom is visiting me and my sister for a week!

Also, today marks the 6th month since my dad’s passing. If you don’t mind, please say a quick prayer for me and my family.