His Eye is on the Sparrow

As for me, I am poor and needy,
but the Lord takes thought for me. Psalm 40:17

What is man that you are mindful of him,
and the son of man that you care for him? Psalm 8:4

Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows. Luke 12:6-7

These verses came to my mind one evening while I was on a walk. It is when I do some of my best thinking, and the Lord is so kind to give me those times. There are no distractions (besides those of my own mind), and I am in the midst of God’s beautiful creation. I mean, who wouldn’t want to go on a walk with this as a backdrop?!

These days people, out of concern, often ask me, “How are you doing?” And I honestly don’t know how to answer them. None of the usual replies seem sufficient. For the most part I am doing okay (which is how I wind up responding). The Lord has been gracious to give me the strength needed for each day and has given me His indescribable peace. He is very kind to give me the morning time to spend with Him to prepare for the day ahead. And, let me tell you, I need this time alone with Him. Spending time with Jesus is the only reason why I am doing as well as I am in the middle of all of this horror. But it’s not like I don’t have my days (like yesterday) where I am tired and weary and hurting and overwhelmed and, well, just plain broken.

I have a lot on my shoulders and, most of the time, I don’t feel the weight of it all, which I guess is another one of God’s many graces. Every day presents a new challenge and trial, and I wear many hats to do the things that need to get done. Usually the response of others to what I am going through helps me see a glimpse of the magnitude, but I suppose I won’t really realize the full weight until after it’s lifted. At least that is how it was in South Asia. The burden of living in a different culture, learning a new language, and being surrounded by spiritual darkness weighed heavily on my shoulders, but I didn’t realize it while I was living in the midst of it. It wasn’t until after I returned to the States that I sensed that a burden had lifted, and I felt “lighter.”

A lot has happened these past few years, especially this year – much of it unpleasant – that the Lord has used to grow and change me. I am not the same as I used to be even back when I graduated from seminary in 2010. The bitter circumstances have left their wounds, but, most significantly, the Lord has used them to strengthen my faith, clarify my priorities, deepen my trust in Jesus, grow me in the knowledge of God’s Word, and refine me. And He did this all through brokenness. I am learning that that is His master tool. Only when we are broken and humble before Him can His glory and greatness shine through. Brokenness is where He does some of His greatest work. And, trust me, my independent-self needed some breaking and refining. I used to consider myself a pretty compassionate person, but the Lord has worked some tenderness into my heart through all this that wasn’t there before. It doesn’t take much to make my eyes well up with tears anymore. Seeing anyone who is in some kind of emotional pain or who is grieving sends a piercing pain through my heart. I mean, I can barely watch anything even remotely sad on TV now without tearing up. MASH, The Waltons, Up (yep, even a cartoon), and The Lord of the Rings, have all done their part in making the tears fall. This is not like me, at least the old me, but I guess it is now. The Lord tells us to be tenderhearted (Ephesians 4:32; 1 Peter 3:8; cf. Colossians 12:3), which doesn’t come naturally so the Spirit works it into our hearts through the circumstances God brings to help us obey this command.

As usual, the Lord meets me where I am. He wounds, but He also heals (Hosea 6:1). He has brought a few songs into my life this week to remind me that nothing is wasted. Every ounce of everything He has allowed into my life is preparing for me a glory I cannot even conceive of with my mind (1 Corinthians 2:9). It will be better than I can imagine (Ephesians 3:20). The weight that I referred to, both the big and small, is doing something unseen and majestic. It is preparing for me a particular weight of glory beyond all comparison that will make all of these trials, all of this suffering, “light and momentary” (2 Corinthians 2:16-18; cf. John Piper’s sermon on this text). Indeed, I am poor and needy, but my Lord takes thought for me and His thought is to do me good both now and forever.

What no eye has seen, nor ear heard,
nor the heart of man imagined,
what God has prepared for those who love him. 1 Corinthians 2:9