Deeper Understanding

I am currently in Southern Missouri soaking up the countryside and taking a much needed breather from the daily demands and responsibilities of life. The Lord has been ever so gracious to answer mine and Kristi's prayers for a restful and relaxing weekend with beautiful weather.

The Lord has recently revealed to me something that I have allowed to become an idol in my life, namely, the understanding of what He has been doing. One of the verses the Lord continues to use in my life is Proverbs 3:5-6:

    Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
        and do not lean on your own understanding.
    In all your ways acknowledge him,
        and he will make straight your paths.

These are words I strive to live by. I do not want to make decisions in my own strength, but in His strength. I do not want to rely on my own limited wisdom, but on the infinite wisdom of my sovereign God. But what the Lord has shown me is that instead of fully trusting Him, I have been relying on my understanding of what I think He is doing. I have been tying to connect the dots of how He is working and figure out what He is doing, and when I connect a few dots, I run with it. But the Lord doesn't want me to trust in how I perceive Him to be working; He wants me to trust HIM. This is hard. I like answers and desperately want them, so much so that my focus has shifted from Christ to trying to figure out what He's doing. As messed up as this sounds (and sin is messed up!), I have made trying to understand what God is doing (which is in itself a good thing) into an idol (which is sin). The Lord has been very kindly and gently showing me this over the past few weeks, but He hit me with it full-force this morning at Meadow Heights. Pastor Bryan was giving an update on the fire that occurred at the AV campus and in so doing was testifying to the sovereignty of God over the fire and the delay that will now occur with future expansion plans. He shared this verse, which the Lord led him to in his personal study:

The Lord directs our steps,
so why try to understand everything along the way? Proverbs 20:24 NLT

Guilty, guilty, guilty. I am really struggling with this, and it's frustrating. Why can't I just rest in the Lord? He knows what He's doing and He doesn't need my help and He doesn't need my understanding of what He's doing. In my pride, I have been occupying myself with things to great and too wonderful for me (Job 42:3; Psalm 131:1). Verse seven of Proverbs three continues with this warning: "Be not wise in your own eyes." Which is what I have been doing. The truth is that the secret things belong to the Lord and only what He chooses to reveal is what is mine (Deuteronomy 29:29). He has given me everything I need to walk in faithfulness to Him (2 Peter 1:3). I need nothing else and any understanding He chooses to give me is a gift from Him.

One connection He has allowed me to make was when I was recently reading through my past journal entries of the last couple of years. As I was reading, I realized that the trials and lessons and struggles that I have faced these past 18 months or so have been a direct result of things for which I have been praying. Although, admittedly, they were not the answers I envisioned, the Lord has been graciously answering the cries of my heart for more of Him and less of me (John 3:30). It is a testament to the fact that we don't always fully understand what we're praying for (John 10:38). Here is a sampling of the requests that the Lord has been pleased to answer:

“make me like Christ in every way”
“give me patience”
“teach me how to wait” (For real, who prays for that???)
“kill my pride”
“make me more humble”
“break me”
“be my only satisfaction”
"help me to be more vulnerable with others"
“remove all the dross from my life”
"remove all the idols of my life”

Etc, etc. The Lord is obviously pleased with these kinds of prayers because He has been answering all of them at one time. I look at these and I’m like, “Rachel, these are good things to pray, but did you have to ask for them all at once?” :) But, obviously, it was the Lord’s will for me to do so. It is the will of the Father to make each of His children more like Christ (1 Thessalonians 4:3). His Holy Spirit gave me these desires and led me to pray what I did. And I would pray them all over again and I will continue to pray them because, even though they bring the refining and disciplining hand of the Lord, I know that the end result (more of Christ) is worth it. Even in the midst of the pain that these answered prayers have caused there is great joy because I know that the Lord is fulfilling His purposes in and through me (Psalm 138:8). In John 16:24, Jesus tells us to ask so that we will receive so that our joy may be full. The ESV footnote to this verse says:

Ask, and you will receive reminds believers that frequent answers to prayer will give Jesus' followers great joy as they see God actively at work in the world in answer to their prayers.

And it's true. It is encouraging to see that the Lord is answering my prayers for more of Christ. Everything He allows in my life is for that purpose. He works all things for good (Romans 8:28). Nothing comes into my life that does not first pass through His sovereign hand. In this there is hope and joy and freedom and, although I cannot say I am thankful for the pain or the circumstances themselves, I am thankful for the what Jesus is doing in me and for what He is teaching me. Pray that I will fully embrace all that He is doing and trust Him more fully.

There are many more lessons that I have learned in the darkness of these past 18 months, but the ones in this blog series have been the dominant ones and I pray that the Lord will continue to work these lessons deep within me and use them to further His kingdom purposes in making much of Christ.

What I tell you in the dark, say in the light, and what you hear whispered, proclaim on the housetops. Matthew 10:27

Lessons Learned in the Dark :: Brokenness

The Lord continues to reveal the many lessons from the events and difficulties of last year. The lessons are numerous (waiting, singleness, vulnerability, more waiting), but I think this one kind of undergirds all the others: Brokenness.

A few years ago while I was sitting in a seminary class, one of my professors was giving his testimony of how the Lord revealed to him that he was too strong for God to use in ministry because other people would be able to look at my professor’s life and deeds and think he did it on his own. The Lord then took my professor through a very difficult time and completely broke him so that it was the strength of the Lord that shone through and not that of my professor. This man is one of the most humble men I have ever met. Christ has made him that way and I have no doubt that this breaking by Christ has everything to do with it.

As he was telling this story, I knew that I was just like him. I was too strong. As I have recounted many times over, one of the biggest sins I struggle with is self-sufficiency. Just look at my life; the evidence abounds. For instance, I have the desire to be able to work on my own car. Now there are many reasons for this (it’s cheaper; I like cars; I like to fix/figure things out), but, let’s face it, I really just don’t want to have to depend on anyone else. Like the stubborn two-year old, I want to “do it myself.” The Lord allowed me to see this vividly recently in an interview with the organization with which I hope to go overseas. We were talking about some pretty difficult things from my past and the interviewer kept asking, “Who did you tell about this (at the time)?” My answer each time, “No one.” Then it hit me: Rachel, you are a self-sufficient fool. No wonder the Lord is making you be more vulnerable now with others.

So, when I heard this testimony from my professor, I knew the Lord would have to break me too. So I braced myself for God’s breaking. But it didn’t come. The Lord was very gracious to allow me to complete my seminary degree without this breaking, and so I forgot about it. But after graduation, the real lessons began (the kinds textbooks and classrooms don’t really prepare you for). My life was flooded with disappointments, difficulties, and struggles. My soul was in turmoil and all I could see was the sin—my selfishness and pride and self-righteousness—that these circumstances revealed (Matthew 18:15-19; Luke 6:45). And, through it all, God was silent. I can all-to-well relate with these words from Jonathan Edwards:

I have had a vastly greater sense of my own wickedness, and the badness of my heart, than ever I had before my conversion . . . My wickedness, as I am in myself, has long appeared to me perfectly ineffable, and swallowing up all thought and imagination; like an infinite deluge, or mountain over my head. I know not how to express better what my sins appear to me to be, than by heaping infinite upon infinite, and multiplying infinite by infinite. Jonathan Edwards (quoted by John Piper in “Job: Reversal in Suffering”)

But, after the last year and a half or so, I think the Lord has me (or almost has me) where He wants me. My pride has been diminished. My will has been broken. My self-sufficiency has been shattered. My trust in the sovereignty and wisdom of Christ has been solidified. And my identity has taken deeper roots in Christ. Not that I have “arrived,” there is still much, much more work the Lord will continue to do in me. But this period of my life was designed by God for a purpose and I think it is for this very purpose described by Piper (in the same sermon) here:

That’s [below] what God is after, Brothers and Sisters, in your life and mine. If He has to lay you in the hospital, He’ll do that. If He can prosper you, He’ll do that. If it takes your spouse, He’ll do that. If it takes your children, He’ll do that. God is after broken-hearted, child-like joy of faith. Whatever it takes. It’s the most valuable thing He could give you. Whatever it costs is worth it.

Even so, Lord Jesus, Your will be done. Amen.

Cracking My Shell

I have been doing some things this year that are very against my naturally reserved nature (including the recent contents of my blog posts). Or maybe the better way to phrase that sentence is to say that God has been allowing me do a lot of things that make me trust Him in many different areas of my life.

Work

For starters—and this wasn’t really my choice—I have to wear dresses/skirts for work. Now I have nothing against dresses and skirts and it may seem weird that wearing them is against my reserved nature, but those who know me well, know that I don’t show my legs. I haven’t wore shorts since the seventh grade and I only occasionally wear skirts/dresses. That changed in January, though, when I began working at Southern where the dress code requires women to wear dresses or skirts. I don’t like showing that much of my skin (i.e. legs) so this exposed one of my insecurities. And I will admit that at first I was very self-conscious, but after several months I got over it (which is a good thing). I mean, I least my legs were still covered by pantyhose, that is, until the dress code changed last week and pantyhose are no longer required. Now I could technically still wear pantyhose, but, seriously, who really wants to? So I am learning to get comfortable with this increased level of exposure. I know this sounds ridiculous (and it is), but it is the truth, and it is good for my sanctification because at the root of insecurity is fear and fear is anti-God. The Apostle Paul says that God’s love casts out all fear (1 John 4:18) – even little fears like this one.

Socially

So far this year I have been to a dance party (seminary student related – don’t worry), I have sung karaoke (which was partially videoed), and I went contra dancing for the first time (and loved it!). The first two definitely weren’t my thing, but were good experiences, but the last one was so much fun and I plan to do again if given the opportunity. All of them, though, were good ways to build relationships and kick self-consciousness in the face.

I have also been developing some deep friendships with some of the godly women the Lord has placed in my life. I meet with two ladies for prayer and accountability every week (one each week) and have made an intentional effort to go deeper with the ladies at RF. Even though I would (selfishly) prefer to keep most people at arms length, these relationships have been great blessings and the Lord is continually teaching me the importance of His body, the church (not the building, but other believers). The Lord has a lot to say about this in His Word, especially in Ephesians and First John.

Ministry

Let me just say that ministry is usually out of our comfort zones. We are naturally selfish, so ministry, by definition, pulls us out of ourselves. Now some methods of ministry I find more comfortable than others because of the gifts and abilities the Lord has given me, but I find the Lord likes to call me to do things that I don’t especially feel equipped to do – like teach or speak in public settings. So far this year, the Lord has allowed me to—dare I say—lead the congregation in prayer during a couple of our Sunday morning services at RF; He has given me the opportunity to speak at my sister’s Sunday School class regarding Scarlet Hope; He allowed me to teach a parable to the kids during VBS; and He constantly empowers me to teach children’s Sunday School every Sunday at RF. All of these situations force me to rely more on God and seek His strength because public speaking and teaching don’t come “naturally” to me. I am quite inadequate to do both, but where I am weak (in all these situations), Jesus Christ proves to be very strong (2 Corinthians 12:9).

Storying with the kids during VBS

Why I’m Not a Preacher

It’s interesting the reactions I get when people find out that I moved to Louisville to go to seminary. One of the most common ones is, “So are you a preacher?” (In fact, my neighbor asked me that a week or so ago). Um, no. Not in the official, professional sense anyway. I mean, I do preach (proclaim) the gospel of Jesus Christ whenever the Lord gives me the opportunity (regardless of race, gender or age), but I am not a preacher by vocation and I think the Bible’s pretty clear why I shouldn’t be:

Let a woman learn quietly with all submissiveness. I do not permit a woman to teach or to exercise authority over a man; rather, she is to remain quiet. 1 Timothy 2:11-12

The context of this verse pertains to women publicly teaching in the church and exercising authority over men within the church. The Bible is very clear that men are called to lead the church. This isn’t an equality issue or capability issue. It is simply the way that God has chosen, in His wisdom and sovereignty, to order His church. So really, for women, this is a submission/obedience issue. Will we believe and obey what God says or not?

God has a right to order His church the way He sees best. He ordered creation as He pleased and the events of the world reflect His grand design. In the same way, He has ordered Christian households/marriages with and for a particular purpose. All of this order is designed to display Jesus Christ and Christ’s loving sacrifice for His people/His church, which is His bride (Revelation 19:7; 21:2-3). The order within the church (male leadership) is also reflective of that. If a woman is leading a congregation, this also means she is leading her husband, which makes the whole thing topsy-turvy and mars the image of Christ and His church, which marriage is supposed to portray. Christ never submits to His people and His people never lead Him. He has ultimate authority and He perfectly leads His people, His bride, in love and holiness. He always does what is best for her, including sacrificing His life on her behalf in order that she would be saved from the wrath of God and completely cleansed from her sins. (For this paragraph, see Ephesians 5:22-33).

In the same way, husbands are to lead and love their wives and men are to lead and protect the women God has placed in their sphere of influence. Now men do not have ultimately authority as Christ does; they themselves are subject to the authority of Christ. They will be held accountable to God for how they led their wives and their churches (James 3:1). In this respect, men have a much weightier responsibility than women do. This headship-submission calling is a picture of the reality of Christ and His church. God designed marriage particularly for this very purpose (Ephesians 5:31-32). Even before Christ came to ransom His bride through His sacrifice, death and resurrection, God instituted marriage to display this reality. God planned before creation that He would send His Son to purchase a people for Himself from every tribe, tongue and nation (Ephesians 1:4-6; Revelation 5:9-10).

One young South Asian believing woman teaching a newer believer from God's Word.

So this is the order in marriage (the husband’s servant leadership and the wife’s joyful submission) and this is the order in the church (male elders who preach and teach and lead the body of Christ). Do I feel limited by this? No. I’m not one for public speaking anyway :), but, more importantly, God has given me many leadership opportunities within the church and outside of the church to use the gifts and abilities He has entrusted to me. He continues to show me just how much influence I have over the those in my life (both men and women). Just because women are not permitted by Scripture to preach, doesn’t mean they don’t have important roles within the church. Women most definitely can participate in and are called to roles of leadership. We are to be influential in the lives of others and we can lead and serve in many different capacities throughout the church and outside of the church. There are children than need to be taught. There are younger women who need to be trained and discipled. There are bulletins that need to be prepped. There are prayers that need to be offered. There are lost people who need to hear the gospel. There are people who need to be encouraged. There are ministries that need to be led. There are guests that need to be welcomed. There are songs that need to be sung and offerings that need to be collected and elements that need to be served and a whole host of other roles that women can and need to take part in. But the elders of the church are the heads of the church (under Christ) and they cannot be women.
 
So maybe the problem isn’t really that women don’t want to submit to the men that God has called to lead them (husbands, pastors, etc.), but maybe it’s that women don’t want to submit to the calling and boundaries that God has outlined in His word that they should follow. If God’s word is authoritative and completely true (and it is), then everything it states and affirms is authoritative and true and should rule our lives – no matter how hard it looks on the outside. We need to take God at His word and trust His purposes. By embracing who God has called us to be as women (or men), we will find freedom to live out our unique callings in such a way that we will make much Christ, which is our ultimate aim.