When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul. Psalm 94:19It has also been an emotionally hard season of life. There are so many things going on that it’s hard to keep my focus on the One Thing that is necessary (Luke 10:42; Psalm 27:4). And because of that, I have been a wreck on the inside. One minute I am excited and happy about all that God is doing (I mean, I am getting married :), and the next minute I’m fighting tears and feel that my heart is breaking with all the burdens and grief that this past year as brought. It’s a rollercoaster of emotions to say the least.
Father’s Day and Dad’s birthday have come and gone, and I have been missing my dad a lot. It feels like I'm losing him all over again. I have been concerned for Mom and Kristi, wondering how they will fare without me (as if their well-being depended upon me). There are so many things to tend to and relationships to invest in – and the days are dwindling in which to do so. Then there is the spiritual warfare/oppression I’ve felt – like an invisible weight on my shoulders - and all the anxieties and fears and doubts about the future. I am usually ready to pack up and leave for wherever God is leading, but I've been dragging my heels just a bit. Maybe I’ve been trusting in comfort and familiarity in the midst of this past storm more than I realized. Or maybe that’s why they say not to make major life changes within the first year of losing someone…
As usual, I am learning to navigate these emotions and share them. While God has taught me much about being vulnerable with others and sharing my burdens with my brothers and sisters in Christ (Galatians 6:2), my natural tendency is to close up and withdraw, to put on my I’ve-got-it-together face and smile, and to ignore/suppress my feelings altogether (because, honestly, I don’t trust them). So I think I’ve regressed a little in that area and I’m having to re-learn the same lessons that God taught me these past few years.
But, as usual, Jesus met me in my struggles – in my pain and doubts and fears and circumstances. He has been showing me through His Word and through His people how much I have not been trusting Him and how I need to seek Him above all other things and how I need to cast my cares on Him (1 Peter 5:7; Matthew 11:28; Phil. 4:6-8). Two main ways He did that was through a Scripture passage in the Old Testament and through ReConnect at church.
The passage was 2 Chronicles 14:-15. It is the story of Asa, who was king of Judah. He was a faithful king who feared and served God. He took away all the pagan gods and commanded the people to seek and obey the one, true, and living God. And because he and the nation of Judah sought the Lord, the Lord gave them peace on every side. This was contrasted with the time period before when the nation did not seek God and had no peace at all. Furthermore, King Asa was humbly dependent upon the Lord when they were being attacked by their enemies and the Lord rewarded him by fighting for the nation of Judah and delivering them. As the I read this, the Lord pressed upon me the need to seek Him above all that is going on. He revealed to me that I didn’t have peace because I wasn’t looking to Him and depending upon Him. Instead, I was consumed with my circumstances, trying to handle everything on my own. One Thing was necessary – I needed turn my focus to the Lord. Only then would I have peace (Isaiah 26:3-4).
Then a few days later we had ReConnect at Rolling Fields (a special service we have when there is a 5th Sunday). Pastor Andy led us in a study of Psalm 22. We read through the psalm, noting the emotions that David felt and how he was focused on his circumstances, how he would then turn his focus to the Lord and remember His faithfulness, only to switch back to focusing on his circumstances again (looks like he was on a roller coaster like me). He ended the psalm by re-directing and setting his gaze on the Lord and choosing to praise His name even though his circumstances had not changed. He remembered that God was working in his troubles for a purpose that he could not yet see, and He remembered that he had a responsibility to share God’s goodness and truth with others. He remembered that making God known among the nations was the aim. I needed to remember that too.
So I've been continually giving my cares to the Lord and slowly sharing them with others. And the Lord has been giving me His peace that surpassing all understanding (Philippians 4:6-8). The circumstances haven't really changed, but God has re-directed my focus. He is bigger than my circumstances. He is sovereign over my circumstances. And He has already gone before me into the future to work all of these things out for my good and His glory (Romans 8:28). There is no God like Him.
Therefore, preparing your minds for action, and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. 1 Peter 1:13
