Times of Refreshing

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance… Ecclesiastes 3:1-4

The past two weeks, the Lord has been incredibly kind to keep my schedule pretty clear so that I can spend extra time with Him. And, let me tell you, I needed this time. I mentioned in my previous post that the Lord kept reminding me of His presence. He was beckoning me to rest in His presence, which is what I knew I needed. There is healing in the presence of Jesus that can be found nowhere else. I had been really struggling in the weeks following my dead’s death to trust the Lord for His grace and goodness (Ephesians 3:20; Romans 8:28), to count it all joy (James 1:2), to be thankful in all things (Ephesians 5:20), and to keep my eyes on Jesus (Hebrews 12:2). My faith was small and my perspective skewed, but times of refreshing come in the presence of the Lord (Acts 3:20).

So sensing the prompting of the Lord and the urgency of His call to draw near to Him, I sat aside a few days last week to rest and be in the Word. The Lord was kind to add to those days and give me some more of them this week. God’s promises are true: His Word does not return void (Isaiah 55:11) and when you draw near to Him, He draws near to you (James 4:8), which is what happened. In a way that cannot be explained apart from His grace, the Lord adjusted my focus and attitude, renewed my hope, realigned my priorities, and healed my brokenness, giving me a clearer vision of Him just as I had asked. He drew me out of the muck and the mire that I found myself in and set my feet on the Rock, filling my mouth with praise (Psalm 40:1-3). Even though my circumstances didn’t change, Jesus Christ has given me His unexplainable peace and joy. The change was in me. Jesus always works from the inside out.

As the Lord gave me comfort and strength, I sensed Him gently telling me, “Okay. You’ve had your time. It’s time to move forward.” It was time for me to stop being withdrawn and to start being about His work again. This is not to say that my grieving is over or that there is no pain because that is not the case, but it is to say that I cannot stay where I was. There is a time for more concentrated mourning and processing, but you cannot stay there forever. That’s not healthy or beneficial for anyone. The call to move forward came at the perfect time (as always), as I was already supposed to resume teaching the kids at church that Sunday. And the healing the Lord brought in that week prepared and strengthen me to dive back into that role as well as make a few hospital visits and reconnect with friends over the weekend. The time has come for the things that have been on hold (ministry, my future) to move to the forefront of my thoughts, as they slowly have been doing. Serving overseas has been more and more on my mind, and I have been praying about mentoring with Scarlet Hope for most of the year, and I believe the Lord is leading me to take steps forward in both of these areas.

But involving myself in these things and other ways of serving the Lord does not take the place of my need to be in His presence. His call to move forward doesn't negate my need to be silent in His presence and seek His face. By no means!

Seek the Lord and his strength;

seek his presence continually! Psalm 105:4

I can only serve Jesus when I spend time in the presence of Jesus. He empowers me to do His work. I will never outgrow my dependence upon Him for rest and strength and guidance, etc. Spending time with Jesus Christ is always the better portion, which will never be taken away from His people (Luke 10:42). Furthermore, the Lord's presence is our aim as Christians (Revelation 21:3). His presence will be our portion forever!

Dearly Loved

This is the message that a friend wrote on my calendar for me to find when I returned in September from Missouri: “You are dearly loved.” It is a phrase that kept popping up during those surrounding weeks from those dear to me and even from one of Spurgeon’s Morning and Evening devotionals. And I did feel loved, as people had poured into me for months (see previous post), carrying me through some of my most difficult hours. God revealed the depths of the relationships He had given me during that time. But, more importantly, God was revealing His love for me through His people. He was reminding me that I am dearly loved by Him (more on that in a moment).

Along with the above message, the Lord kept bringing a particular verse to my attention through my daily devotionals, other people, songs, and even a signature line at the bottom of an email:

The Lord your God is in your midst,
a mighty one who will save;
he will rejoice over you with gladness;
he will quiet you by his love;
he will exult over you with loud singing. Zephaniah 3:17

In the hardness, God wanted to remind me that He delights in me; even though I was in a deep valley, teetering on despair, He was singing over me. And He was (is) with me. That is a sweet verse and I gladly welcomed the reminder.

Then more hard weeks followed. Disappointments. Bad News. Failing Faith. Exposed sin. Zephaniah 3:17 forgotten. Most days felt like a struggle or a fog and the presence of Christ seemed far away. All I could see was my life crumbling around me and the wickedness of my own heart rising in response (selfishness, doubts, cynicism, bitterness, anger, etc.). Added to these things was an almost constant internal spiritual warfare. But Christ had a purpose in allowing all of these things into my life. Namely, He wants to magnify His grace as He refines me and reveals more of Himself (in, through and to me).

But it is hard to keep focus on that purpose in the heat of the fire. I realized that I was struggling and the Holy Spirit was prompting me to spend more time in the Word, but I felt like there was a veil keeping me from seeing Christ and His promises clearly. So, over the past week, I started praying for a fresh vision of Christ. And I believe the Father is answering that prayer and here’s why. First, Pastor Bryan prayed that for me and my sister this past weekend. He didn’t know I was desiring that, but God did. Second, the speaker in chapel today said something to that affect at the beginning of his sermon (and can I just say that that sermon was exactly what I needed to hear; pretty much a sum of all that God is teaching me, which I am describing in this post!). Third, God is constantly reminding me of His presence. I mean, constantly: almost daily in my devotionals, in His Word, through other people, and in the past three sermons I have heard. It’s like He is saying, “Just open your eyes, I am here!” Even when I can’t see Him, He is present. Even when I can’t sense Him, He is present. Even when I feel forsaken, He is present. How do I know that? Because the Bible tells me so (Joshua 1:9, Psalm 46:5; Zephaniah 3:17 above, Matthew 28:20, Hebrews 13:5, etc.; cf. Matthew 1:23).

Admittedly, these are much more pleasant lessons to learn than those of patience and waiting and endurance (though I’m learning the former in the midst of the latter). And it goes to show you that you never “arrive.” These are basic, yet deeply-profound truths. Even though I’ve been to seminary and have been following Jesus for a little over a decade, I still need to be reminded of them over and over again:

1. God loves me (Romans 5:8)
2. God is with me (Matthew 28:20)
3. God has a plan for my life (Jeremiah 29:11)

The first one is probably the most difficult one for me to grasp. I have trouble connecting with it. Maybe it's because I'm not a super-sappy kind of person. Maybe it's because I have heard this truth so flippantly used over and over again. I know mentally that God loves me and believe that He does based on Scripture, as a theological truth, but I have trouble feeling it, receiving it, letting it affect me daily (if that makes sense). I don't wake up saying, "God loves me" (though, maybe I should!). I mean, I get that God is just. I get that He is sovereign. I get that He is holy and perfect and true and worthy. But that He loves me specifically and personally (and not just generally), that’s another story. This is something I know that I’ve been deficient in for awhile and something the Lord is slowly growing me in. I know it is something I will never understand completely (see Ephesians 3:18-19), but I also know there is much room for growth. And it’s not like the Lord doesn’t demonstrate His personal love and care for me regularly (like all the examples noted above). The deficiency is in me. I’m having a connection problem. I know that I am dearly loved by Jesus Christ, but I want to feel it, sense it, soak in it. So, if you don’t mind, please pray these words for me from the Apostle Paul:

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Ephesians 3:14-19

Carried

The past two weeks have been rather rough. My attitude and response toward life has been less than praiseworthy and I have had several meltdowns when bad news or disappointment has come my way. There is an instability within myself that I’ve not known before as I struggle to cling to God’s promises and wrestle with deep questions. But although I’ve been struggling (more like drowning on some days), I am not alone. God has not abandoned me. In fact, He meets me everyday through His Word and through His people to strengthen, encourage, sustain, and even rebuke me.

God has given me some amazing brothers and sisters in Christ for which I am deeply thankful. I do not deserve such kindness, but, thankfully, the Lord does not give me what I deserve. These men and women have shared Scripture with me, prayed for and with me, cried with me, pointed me to Christ, and helped me remember God’s promises. They have literally been the hands and feet of Jesus to me during these turbulent times. Like on Friday when I was having one of those aforementioned meltdowns at work, one sweet friend took over my gatekeeper position in the office while I went to the bathroom to cry. As I was sitting on the floor sobbing, another sweet friend came in and sat with me and prayed with me. I know the Lord sent her to me to comfort me in that moment.

For just as the body is one and has many members, and all the members of the body, though many, are one body, so it is with Christ…But God has so composed the body, giving greater honor to the part that lacked it, that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another. If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together. 1 Corinthians 12:12, 24-26

One of the sweetest aspects of the last few months has been watching the church be the church (as described in the passage above). While I do have amazing friends at work and in ministry, I am also very blessed to be a part of two wonderful church families – one in my hometown in Missouri and the other here in the Kentuckiana area. While they are pretty different from one another in many ways, both are committed to the Word of God and both long to show the love of Christ in practical ways. They long to be the church found in Acts 2 that is committed to the teachings of Jesus and devoted to love one another as well as the those who are unchurched. Most people have trouble finding one solid church that they can be a part of, but the Lord has let me be a part of two.

The first is Meadow Heights Church in Fredericktown, Missouri. I started attending this church when I was in the seventh grade. It was instrumental in me coming to faith in Christ, watering the seeds of faith that were sown by my parents, and played a vital role in my early stages as a new Christian, teaching me what it meant to follow Christ and the importance of having a daily quiet time with Him. Even though I haven’t been regularly attending that church since I moved to Louisville, they are still like family to me and are always more than willing to help me and my family. They were more than helpful when my dad was sick and when he passed away, bringing us food, providing a location as well as the menu for the after-funeral dinner, offering many, many prayers, giving money – willing and eager to do whatever was needed. Even now, they continue to help my mom with things she needs done around the house. They do this because the love of Christ compels them. Because, honestly, they are not receiving many benefits from my family. You can’t say it’s because of our tithes or our service or any such thing because Kristi and I don’t live there anymore. They did it out of love – love for Jesus and love for us.  

After moving to Louisville, I began attending Rolling Fields Church in Jeffersonville, Indiana (right across the river from Louisville). I have been a member there for six years now (hard to believe!). It is a small church and most people in the Louisville area haven’t heard of it, but God is up to some great things there. It is a rare place where you get solid teaching and have plenty of opportunities to serve. The Lord has used this church to stretch me in many ways when it comes to serving and leading, and it has also been instrumental in sustaining me through these difficult years. Every sermon is exactly what I need to hear. Since the church is small, I have grown a lot when it comes to fellowshipping with other believes. I am a private person and sinfully self-reliant, so this wasn’t my strong suit when it came to the spiritual disciplines, but you can’t hide that well in small places, and I have learned to give of myself to others and let them give of themselves to me, and I have been blessed immensely by the deeper relationships that God has allowed me to develop there. Rolling Fields has also been such a blessing to me and my family (whom they’ve barely met) these past few months. Even though they couldn’t be with us physically (though I know they wished they could!), they sent money and encouraging cards and emails and offered up countless prayers – willing and eager to do whatever was needed. They too do this because the love of Christ compels them. I was gone to Missouri for three months. They had every excuse to let my home church care for me, to focus on more local things, to say they are too small and their resources too few, but they didn’t. They did it out of love – love for Jesus and love for me and my family.

So these two bodies of believers have been God’s means of grace to me. God is the God of all comfort, and He chose to comfort and provide and care for me and my family through His people, His body, His church(es). And isn’t that the way it should be? Yes. This is the way the church is supposed to function: supporting weak members, caring for one another, sacrificing to help those in need. This is what Christ does for us. He helps the weak (2 Corinthians 12:9). He cares for others (1 Peter 5:7). He sacrificed Himself to help those in need (Hebrews 10:10-14). He is the head of the church, His body, and His body is supposed to follow His example (Colossian 1:18). This is the mark of a true church: loving God and loving others, representing Christ (His heart and mission) to those around them. I am blessed to be part of two such churches and I am very thankful for them both.

We give thanks to God always for all of you, constantly mentioning you in our prayers, remembering before our God and Father your work of faith and labor of love and steadfastness of hope in our Lord Jesus Christ. 1 Thessalonians 1:2-3