The Aftermath

This week is the third week since my dad left us to be with Jesus. Even though it still seems surreal at times, reality has begun to set in. My dad is gone. His battle with cancer and his suffering are over, and his faith and hope has been realized. His pain has ended, but ours has just deepened. My emotions are mixed with with grief, relief, hope, and joy for him.

It’s amazing the things I have learned about my dad since his death. I knew him mainly in one capacity: as my dad. He never really shared his heart, his dreams, his hopes; he was a pretty private person (I guess I get that from him :). I suppose that is somewhat normal in the parent-child relationship, but the stories I have heard, the people he has impacted, and the things he did behind the scenes has made me appreciate him more, and made me realize how much I took him for granted.

Growing up, I was a daddy’s girl. When I was elementary school, I remember being at the water fountain and all the other little girls were talking about boys, boyfriends, etc. When I was asked something to the effect of who I liked or who I wanted to be my boyfriend, I answered my dad. I was perfectly content with him as the only man in my life (as I think it should be for every little girl). We kind of grew apart some when I went off to college and seminary – we didn’t usually see eye-to-eye on things – but the last year or so we started growing closer again (another grace of the Lord) and I started trying to do a better job of sharing what was going on in my life and heart.

The Lord was very kind to allow me to go home and take care of my dad during the last 10 weeks of his life. I know that is what my dad would have wanted (he loved having his girls around) and the Lord was so generous to give that to him. I was his primary caretaker during those days. It was the hardest thing I have ever experienced. My dad suffered a great deal and I saw things I’d rather not remember, but God’s grace was sufficient for those times (2 Corinthians 12:9). He always gave me the needed strength for each day, despite my faint heart and weak knees (Psalm 61:2). Now that it is all over, my mind is trying to process what just took place. In the moment, you just do what needs to be done with little thought, but now that things have slowed down, my mind is trying to get a handle on these last three months, and emotional/physical/spiritual exhaustion has set in. I feel like I could sleep for days.

I have to be careful, though. I realize I must allow myself time to grieve and process, but, at the same time, I have to be very careful what I am thinking about. It is easy to get lost in thought. I could probably think for hours about all that just happened, but I don’t think that’s good or healthy – especially if I am just thinking about the pain and turmoil that has marked my life as of late. So I have to be extra vigilant about taking thoughts captive (2 Corinthians 10:5). It is better to reflect on the situation, look for God’s goodness in it, and give Him thanks, or choose to think about the happy times with my dad instead (there are far more of those anyway) and give thanks for them.

It would be easy to question God during this time. Many of the prayers that were lifted up on behalf of my dad were not answered the way we hoped and desired. The answer from heaven was a continual “no” when it came to his healing and such. God was set on taking him Home. We received continual bad news from when he was diagnosed with cancer last November. So, again, I have to be careful. It would be easy to distrust or question God. But it is not like He was silent. Far from it. The peace and presence of Christ was continually with our family. He provided for us in every way and gave us some very, very sweet times with my dad. In fact, my dad was conscious and could communicate up to the last hours of his life. That is a priceless gift from God. My dad could have easily slipped into a coma hours and hours before he passed, but God did not allow that. And because He didn’t, many people in our family got to say their final goodbyes to him. God's kindness has been very evident throughout all this and I must remind myself of Romans 8:28 every time I am tempted to resent His hard dealings with my family. Many good things have come from my dad's death and continue to come from it because it is all orchestrated by a very good God.

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

Furthermore, God’s timing was so perfect. In fact, it was too perfect to not be orchestrated by Him. The Lord delayed my application to serve overseas until right before I went home. Also, when I went home in June is when my dad really started to deteriorate. The Family Medical Leave Act allows one to be gone from work for 12 weeks. I checked in with my employer every two weeks, so when it was time for my 10th week check-in, I sought the Lord on whether I should quit my job and stay in Missouri or return to Louisville. I sensed him telling me to do the latter, and I knew then He was going to take my dad. My dad passed away exactly a week later, which was a week and a half before I was supposed to return to Louisville. The Lord’s timing is perfect.

Below is a video of my dad singing. This was recorded on his 60th birthday, June 23rd of this year, the day Kristi and I came home to take care of Dad. He was in a lot of pain that day, but he got out his guitar and praised Jesus despite the pain. We could learn from him. Enjoy.